Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Yes I might be tempted to make that break a bit longer too. Having to “grit your teeth” to go through with it is horrible. It shouldn’t have to be like that.

This!

OP that is awful. It’s coercive and abusive. He sounds vile, no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him. I should imagine the more he behaves like this, the more you’re repulsed by him, and the less you want to have sex with him. It’s self-perpetuating, a vicious spiral. I’m not sure there’s much hope for your marriage tbh I’m sorry, you can’t go on living like this.

Whilst I agree he’s crossing the line with the pestering this is all a reflection that the marriage can’t work. You’re not compatible. For you it’s sex under duress. For him sex is clearly key. You can’t continue like this. And neither can he. You do need to end the marriage.

No matter how much I was gagghing for sex, if I knew my partner was feeling like you're feling about it, I could not physically do it myself. Knowing a person feels the act of sex with me is repulsive and is dreading it happening would be enough to put me off it.

Have you actually explained to him, with the same words you've told us here, how sex with him makes you feel?

OP this is very serious and not normal.

Please review this page and seek help rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/sexual-consent/

I agree. Being with someone with such a sense of entitlement to sex, or forcing yourself to endure it, would also become a turn off.

I wouldn't be surprised if pornography use is to blame for his attitude to sex and women.

That's kind of like me and my OH except I want sex more often than he does.

There is no right or enough amount of sex in a relationship, you need to find a happy medium. In some couples that happy medium is having sex once a day instead of multiple times a day, in some couples it is once a week or once a month.

You are not wrong in not wanting any sex, and your OH s not wrong in wanting sex twice a week. But equally you shouldn't agree to have sex when you don't want it and your OH shouldn't coerce you into having sex by nagging you into it.

You need to have an open and honest conversation about it. You need to explore if there are ways to increase your sex drive e.g by making sure you come first every time you have sex because I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex that is not pleasurable. The book on love languages is quite cheesy but it can be helpful in helping work with your partner in making you get more attracted to him, which can increase the amount of sex you want. He may need to give you more physical attention that doesn't lead to sex or he might need to take housework of your plate. Whatever it is, he needs to put work into it because it is not solely on you that you don't want to have sex with him.

If the above doesn't work and he still wants sex twice a week and you never, then your sex drives are not compatible. You both need to decide if that is a deal breaker and grounds for ending the marriage or if there are other ways to satisfy your husbands sexual needs without divorce or him cheating behind your back.

Enjoy your lovely two week break Op 🍸

Honestly, if you can "suck it up" once a week, he should be willing to make the same sacrifice for you, and give you some of the casual intimacy you need. It might be worth trying the couples therapy just to get that idea to click into place in his head. If he can have sex with you, he can be physically intimate with you. It doesn't have to be PDA in the street, but you're not asking for that. You want the occasional surprise kiss, a hug when you need it, someone to hold your hand. You're not asking for the moon.

There are only two real reasons he's not doing this for you. The first is awkwardness - he never learned how to be easy in this kind of affection, and it feels vulnerable to change. But that's like starting anything new. You feel a bit silly and exposed at first, but then you get used to it and it stops feeling unnatural. He could do this. You're really not asking for too much.

The depressing alternative, of course, is that he doesn't bother to engage in casual intimacy with you, because any physical intimacy that doesn't result in sex feels pointless to him. This is a much more selfish attitude, and not something I could overcome, personally.

I understand the fear of finding out, but I'm guessing, if you'd rather not go there, that you already suspect the answer.

Your DH sounds pretty off-putting, although well aware we’ve only got your side of things. However, you can’t have your cake and eat it. Most people want to have some kind of regular sex in a marriage and knowing your husband is one of those people, if you don’t want it, make it clear that you never want sex and allow him to find someone else.

You said you’ve thought about whether the grass is greener, but that doesn’t matter. You can’t stay with him because it suits you and have sex occasionally to keep him sweet. Maybe if he knew that you never wanted it and all the things you’ve said here, he would stop asking and find someone else. You need to allow him to make that choice, knowing the full facts. You’ve made a point of saying there’s no issue with you, but do think it’s usual to find sex in a long-term relationship so bad? I’d be pretty annoyed if my partner was like this as unwilling to seek help because it’s not how most people want to live and there’s an arrogance in not being willing to do anything about it but also not ending things and letting your spouse move on.

You said you thought about him being in a car accident and that it would get you off the hook sexually. This is not a marriage. I’m sure he’d be pretty horrified if he thought you felt like this about him and in general. Quite honestly, it doesn’t sound like you like him at all and given what you’ve said about not enjoying sex in any long-term relationship, it seems unfair to not be upfront about this as I doubt most men would want to continue in this kind of relationship. You’re giving him false hope of it ever being what he counts as normal.

You mentioned having children. Is this really what you want to model as being a good relationship? Just go your separate ways and focus on parenting.

id guess speeding and being hazardous in his large guzzler

Straight up creep vibes on this one. We're roughly once a week. If I indicate that i'm not up for it, that is that, same if he says hes tired/sick or just not in the mood. Occasionally if it's been a few weeks, he will try more (snuggle in bed, try to chat etc), it's obvious what he wants, but he would never beg for it, make me feel uncomfortable, demand BJs, to know if i'm on my period etc. What you describe is really bad, and gives me the ick and some.

You are damaging your mental health and yourself esteem by forcing yourself to submit to sex that you don't want. You are an autonomous human being and if you never want to have sex again for the rest of your life that is your choice, and you have a perfect right to live without it. The problem is that your marriage probably won't survive if sex is no longer on the table. As others have said, it's really horrible to think that your husband is happy to have sex with you knowing that you don't want it. He can't have a single shred of respect for you.

Do you not like sex in general or just not with him?
Are you tired and stressed?
Would you like to be up for it more?
Do you fancy him?
Do you fancy other people?

I'd be devastated if my life partner just stopped wanting to do it with me without considering any of those things

Why don't you want it? Don't you fancy him anymore?.Doesn't he turn you on?
Is he selfish?
Or are you ill?
What about sexual therapy?
How old are you?
I'd give anything to beable to have a beautiful sex life... but l can't ( severely disabled) due to an ex throwing me under a moving bus.
Crushed pelvis/ vagina .. host of other physical problems.. l don't even have a full vagina or clitoris..
I use to have a very high libido.. before this happened.
Please if your marriage is good in every other way.. find some help.
I always said if there isn't a mutual sexual relationship in a relationship... then there is NO relationship.
Sex should not be a chore.. it should be enjoyable.

They believe they're entitled to sex and marriage implies ownership. She's not having sex because she wants to and he knows this. He's pressuring someone into unwanted sex which is rape.

It doesnt sound like it is the frequency with you, but that you have to do it at all.

have you considered therapy to unpick why? At keast then youll be confidently armed with knowledge.

He really needs it?

OP get out - this is not good for you.

what do you need? Is that ever considered? So is he ever considerate of your needs?

This.

How would men like this “cope” if they found themselves single?! Surely they are better to have sex occasionally with a willing partner than pester for more, risking divorce and a potentially much longer dry spell because they are single?

I feel so sorry for you, you really shouldn’t have to live like this. You don’t owe anyone sex, least is all someone who is begging you for it.

I’d be telling him to F off and go and have a wank. If he doesn’t like that he’s welcome to leave.

Some questions to consider:

Is sex with him pleasurable for you, OP?

Do you ever climax, or is the best you can hope for that it feels sort of okay, and you feel "connected" to him?

Has sex ever been pleasurable with anyone? You say your desire to keep doing it fades over time in any relationship. Is that because you stop enjoying orgasms, or because you slowly realise the men you're with can't give you orgasms? I ask because if sex is just years and years of one-sided pleasure, combined with the pressure to pretend you're enjoying it, then it's not surprising resentment builds up over time. Of course you stop wanting to repeat the experience. Every time is a waste of your time, and a reminder that he doesn't care about your needs.

In most romantic relationships, where there is real love, sex is something both parties desire. Sex drive might differ, but the desire to be intimate at all is generally present. Forgive me, but it doesn't sound like this is the case for you. The idea of having sex with him repulses you. You desperately wish he would leave you alone, to the point where you've encouraged him to have sex with other women. You don't seem concerned at the impact such a suggestion might have on his feelings, so I'm going to assume that despite all his begging and pleading, you don't feel he actually loves you. Really hard question now: do you honestly think you love him, OP?

It's obvious you don't want to leave him. Why? When you look at your reasons for staying, whatever they are . . . does love factor into it? Do you really want to be in a romantic relationship with this man? It sounds like you'd rather be friends - and maybe not even that. You find him quite irritating, that much is obvious, and he's given you a giant dose of the ick. You don't feel he listens to you or respects your desires. You feel like what you want is secondary to what he wants, and that you have to keep him happy. All that would be very one-sided even for a friendship. What are his good qualities? Does he have any? Is there anything about him that makes you light up inside? When you think about spending the rest of your life with this man, do you feel warm inside, or does it feel like a prison sentence?

Is it that you want to stay, or just that you're afraid to leave? Do kids come into it? Finances? A lack of self-esteem? Fear of being judged by friends and family? It might be worth looking at those obstacles and really questioning if they're as scary and insurmountable as they seem.

Difficult isn't the same as impossible. You might find you're tougher than you think. You might find you're happier without this relationship, even if it means you have to contend with new stresses in other areas of your life. Sometimes happiness comes at a cost - but sometimes staying in your comfort zone does too. And that can be worse.

Best of luck, OP.

To be fair, even if you started off liking coffee, and the first time you said oh I don't think I fancy one right now, you got bullied and sulked at etc... you'd still end up never wanting another fucking coffee

Well looks like you'll be off then cause everyone here's been 100% open about how they feel about him/this situation & not once have you said "you're right, this going to change"