Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Reading this thread as a man made me want to sign up and reply. I hope what I say is kind and thoughtful because I am not a natural writer and I mean you well, OP.

That said I have been appalled by the tenor of many of the replies here.

You married this man. You entered into a relationship where the very vows you take - to love, cherish and adore, to have and to hold - imply a degree of physical intimacy that doesn't exist in other partnerships. Sex is integral to marriage.

Your husband is a man like me and like millions of others. If he is a normal man then sex isn't some optional extra. It is one of the main ways he feels close to you. It is the thing that separates you from other women. It is the thing in his mind that makes you his.

Consider this from his perspective: You love him but you don't really want to touch him. What would you say to a person who said "I love my baby but I cannot bear to pick it up or give it physical affection"? He feels crushed and rejected, I would bet, by the woman he loves.

I have read people here say, outrageously, that he is "coercing" you. I would say that this is a terrible and unjustified attack on him. He is instead being honest: He desires you and he is hurt and upset that you do not desire him in return. You offered an open marriage and he was horrified, you say: Is that the behaviour of a man who just wants sex, or the conduct of a man who specifically wants sex with you? I would say the latter.

Of course he sulks, as you put it. You are hurting him. Because he married you in part because he valued your sexual relationship. He didn't marry you solely because you are friends, or he would have married one of his mates instead. He married you because Sex was integral to the whole deal.

Now later in life (sorry I don't know how old you are) you have altered the deal. You are within your rights to do so.

But.

Doesn't your husband deserve somebody who loves him and actually wants him? And who desires him as much as he desires her? I think he does because I think we all do.

And I think you should either try and do something about your sex drive, or you should be honest with him AND give him the chance to walk away if he wants. He is not being unreasonable here.

(Note: I am NOT saying that every man wants needs or deserves sex twice a week. Or anything like that. Or that it is something women have to offer up. What I am saying is that one partner doing what OP is doing and saying she wishes to take sex off the menu is as destructive to a marriage as almost anything else).

Reading this thread as a man made me want to sign up and reply. I hope what I say is kind and thoughtful because I am not a natural writer and I mean you well, OP.

That said I have been appalled by the tenor of many of the replies here.

You married this man. You entered into a relationship where the very vows you take - to love, cherish and adore, to have and to hold - imply a degree of physical intimacy that doesn't exist in other partnerships. Sex is integral to marriage.

Your husband is a man like me and like millions of others. If he is a normal man then sex isn't some optional extra. It is one of the main ways he feels close to you. It is the thing that separates you from other women. It is the thing in his mind that makes you his.

Consider this from his perspective: You love him but you don't really want to touch him. What would you say to a person who said "I love my baby but I cannot bear to pick it up or give it physical affection"? He feels crushed and rejected, I would bet, by the woman he loves.

I have read people here say, outrageously, that he is "coercing" you. I would say that this is a terrible and unjustified attack on him. He is instead being honest: He desires you and he is hurt and upset that you do not desire him in return. You offered an open marriage and he was horrified, you say: Is that the behaviour of a man who just wants sex, or the conduct of a man who specifically wants sex with you? I would say the latter.

Of course he sulks, as you put it. You are hurting him. Because he married you in part because he valued your sexual relationship. He didn't marry you solely because you are friends, or he would have married one of his mates instead. He married you because Sex was integral to the whole deal.

Now later in life (sorry I don't know how old you are) you have altered the deal. You are within your rights to do so.

But.

Doesn't your husband deserve somebody who loves him and actually wants him? And who desires him as much as he desires her? I think he does because I think we all do.

And I think you should either try and do something about your sex drive, or you should be honest with him AND give him the chance to walk away if he wants. He is not being unreasonable here.

(Note: I am NOT saying that every man wants needs or deserves sex twice a week. Or anything like that. Or that it is something women have to offer up. What I am saying is that one partner doing what OP is doing and saying she wishes to take sex off the menu is as destructive to a marriage as almost anything else).

Reading this thread as a man made me want to sign up and reply. I hope what I say is kind and thoughtful because I am not a natural writer and I mean you well, OP.

That said I have been appalled by the tenor of many of the replies here.

You married this man. You entered into a relationship where the very vows you take - to love, cherish and adore, to have and to hold - imply a degree of physical intimacy that doesn't exist in other partnerships. Sex is integral to marriage.

Your husband is a man like me and like millions of others. If he is a normal man then sex isn't some optional extra. It is one of the main ways he feels close to you. It is the thing that separates you from other women. It is the thing in his mind that makes you his.

Consider this from his perspective: You love him but you don't really want to touch him. What would you say to a person who said "I love my baby but I cannot bear to pick it up or give it physical affection"? He feels crushed and rejected, I would bet, by the woman he loves.

I have read people here say, outrageously, that he is "coercing" you. I would say that this is a terrible and unjustified attack on him. He is instead being honest: He desires you and he is hurt and upset that you do not desire him in return. You offered an open marriage and he was horrified, you say: Is that the behaviour of a man who just wants sex, or the conduct of a man who specifically wants sex with you? I would say the latter.

Of course he sulks, as you put it. You are hurting him. Because he married you in part because he valued your sexual relationship. He didn't marry you solely because you are friends, or he would have married one of his mates instead. He married you because Sex was integral to the whole deal.

Now later in life (sorry I don't know how old you are) you have altered the deal. You are within your rights to do so.

But.

Doesn't your husband deserve somebody who loves him and actually wants him? And who desires him as much as he desires her? I think he does because I think we all do.

And I think you should either try and do something about your sex drive, or you should be honest with him AND give him the chance to walk away if he wants. He is not being unreasonable here.

(Note: I am NOT saying that every man wants needs or deserves sex twice a week. Or anything like that. Or that it is something women have to offer up. What I am saying is that one partner doing what OP is doing and saying she wishes to take sex off the menu is as destructive to a marriage as almost anything else).

It’s not normal for you, but it’s normal for many people. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with someone. That’s such an outdated view.

of course I’ve raised it! But what can we do ? He can’t be in a sexless marriage. It’s not a real marriage for him if there’s no sex. He really needs it. What can we do ? We used to have less sex, but recently it feels like it’s constantly demanded. I don’t want to leave my husband but I just can’t help how I feel about sex.

It will also depend on the men too. If she only has experience of men who beg, sulk and pester when she says no then she may not realise that it shouldn't be like that and no wonder she gets completely put off sex.

She has already stated she isn't up for it with ANYONE after about 5 years in a relationship. I gather she's speaking from experience.

The husband may be a prat but I think we should take OP at her word when she says sex has a sell-by-date in a relationship for her.

The reason you may well be up for it with someone else is because he treats you like a cum receptacle. If you aren't up for sex, he asks for a BJ.

What does he think he is giving you in all this? He is a selfish man, no wonder you're repulsed.

How is op in an abusive marriage!? In a marriage both parties would have sex with one another with consent of course, he isn’t raping her! , it’s not fair on the man to go without and likewise if it was the woman in his position, when ur partner keeps refusing you for sex it’s only normal that you would start to look elsewhere and it will be a problematic marriage. The issue here is the OP, you either have a very low sex drive or none at all, speaking with a professional will help and also speak to ur dh, so he understands but be prepared for him to not accept a sexless marriage.

You are damaging your mental health and yourself esteem by forcing yourself to submit to sex that you don't want. You are an autonomous human being and if you never want to have sex again for the rest of your life that is your choice, and you have a perfect right to live without it. The problem is that your marriage probably won't survive if sex is no longer on the table. As others have said, it's really horrible to think that your husband is happy to have sex with you knowing that you don't want it. He can't have a single shred of respect for you.

Well yeah of course it would, with a new person. I know it would but then after 5 years it would just be the same. I wouldn’t want to do it anymore.

I could have written the original post. I feel exactly the same was and it is such a shit situation to be in. My partner isn’t abusive, and perhaps the OP’s isn’t either. But when two peoples sex drives don’t match up anymore then noone is in the right and no one is in the wrong. You’re both just incompatible.

so then what to do? Call it a day and go through with a divorce. Or stick it out for the kids, the security and the fact you’ve built a life together. Plenty of people stayed in fairly loveless marriages a few generations ago when divorce wasn’t a thing. Maybe it’s normal for many peoples relationships to cool off after 20 years, but to still be valid for many other reasons. If you wanted to go down this route though then he would have to accept the lack of sex, or consider an open marriage.

I have no suggestion what you do. My issue I think is that my partner is completely non affectionate outside of the bedroom. No hand holding, kissing, hugging. I’ve stopped doing any of this to him either over the years as I feel like it makes him uncomfortable. But then he comes at me wanting sex. So it’s really hard to go from being held at arms length to suddenly having to be passionate with someone. It makes me feel sick tbh. I expect what I should do is talk to him about it, flag it as a problem, be honest with him, go to couples therapy, make more time for date nights, etc etc. But I hate the confrontation of something I know has been going on in our relationship for years. I don’t think anything will change as I know he doesn’t like physical contact outside of sex, and that is what I need. So it’s easier to just suck it up once a week and try to get into the mood. The payoff for that is a stable household while the kids grow up, no money issues, and I keep a friend I have had for 15 years who I’ve been through a lot with. I agree with you that, when you look at the options, is the grass actually greener?