Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

This is genuinely horrifying to hear. You need to contact an advice centre immediately. This is being ruled by fear. No good man would ever want to have sex with a person that they knew was crying/scared/upset to do it. Does he ever control or coerce your children in this way for any reason? Please get help, you don't deserve this.

I actually know exactly how you feel. I’ve been there. The sulking, URGH the sulking when you’ve said or inferred NO, yeah I used to hate that so much, would make me feel worse about it all, hate it even more.
are you on any contraception?
Hormone contraception makes me feel horrible about sex and turns the drive right off.
if you are on a hormonal contraception, it could be worth coming off for a while to get your regular hormones back.
or, have you hit menopause, as that can cause a decrease in drive as well.
Other wise my final suggestion, having been in that exact situation is leave him. Leave him before he cheats and someone gets upset or something. I left, and after spending some time on my own I found my drive again with the person I couldn’t see my life without.
previously I could see my life without the other guy, via death or cheating or whatever, I just didn’t feel bothered. I think that’s because you’re not meant to be together

To answer your question, my DH started with performance problems in his early 50’s. He went on antidepressants, and that killed anything, so he stopped mid to late 50’s.

OP, your marriage is over. You can't continue like this and he shouldn't be forced to be in a sexless relationship.

It's the end of the road.

Divorce.

Tell him to get a fuck buddy because you don’t want to have sex any more?

The men I know who have divorced tend to get new girlfriends and have a ton of new-person sex, and to repeat the cycle. I'm getting divorced, and it's true that you have much more alone-time, but then you have the new-person times with lots and lots of sex.

Oh OP, I could have written this. I endured this pattern for years and years, fearful of the arguments that would eventually arise if I kept saying no. I couldn't see him as someone who cared for me in the end, and it was very damaging to me and our relationship. I ended my marriage, not only because of this, but it was a big big factor. You don't have to have sex you don't want. If I could go back in time I would hammer that home to my younger self.

If you still want to be with him, then counselling could maybe help you both to work through this. Ultimately if you never want to have sex with him again, he needs to know this so he can decide if that's a marriage he wants. If he doesn't want a sexless marriage but you do, then you have some tough decisions to make.

Good luck. Please give yourself (and follow) the same advice you'd give your daughter in the same situation xxx

I think it was a great post.

It does! It's quite a good book.

I'm so sorry that happened to you! Did he go to jail?

If it's any consolation, I have fully working bits and I'm 50 but have never, ever had a beautiful sex life. Not even close. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I've had truly tender sex. Most men just jackhammer, and that includes the one I was married to for a long time. And I've never met a man who realises how sensitive women's skin is and that we like to be tenderly touched all over.

Really?

Given how many men believe they need a " variety of partners" then this surely assumes it's normal for women to have an even bigger sexual appetite and even less discrimination than they do?

He's fully aware that the ONLY reason you do it is for the marriage and that you don't want it at all? And he still begs and pleads? Quite apart from everything else that's wrong with this, he also doesn't have much self-respect, does he. If I was a man, I'd be way too proud to have sex with anyone unless they really wanted it.

No means no. End of discussion. There should be no begging or pleading. Sounds like this is a deal breaker for him. Let him walk away. You’ll be better off emotionally without him.

We have it once a month, were tired from work and kids and been togdther 20 years, but we do still want to do it, just can't coordinate our tiredness. That's the key thing here, we both actually want to.
If you don't want to, and don't want to ever again with him but he does want to, reguarly, then that is a problem.
Do you ever want to, do you still actually find him attractive?
I would think about leaving tbh, you can't live in a situation where you feel forced to have sex, it will destroy you.
Does he know you feel like this?
If he doesn't then he also deserves to know that you don't want to have sex with him. Then you can make your decisions about whether it is right for you both to stay married. Marriage should also be friendship, you can't be friends with someone that you feel forced into having sex with. So what is your marriage if it is not friendship, or sex and you can't be open with him and him accepting of your feelings.

Nobody cares love.

He's continually coercing you into sex you don't want, it's abusive and it's sad that you don't see it, to the extent that you wouldn't even advise your daughter to leave in a similar situation.

Having said that, if you never want sex again, fine, but tell him that and let him decide if he wants to stay married under those conditions

He is an abuser. He knows you don’t want sex.

Precisely.

Mismatched drives are very hard to overcome. It's a real trap in marriage, actually.

For those saying he desires you. Bullshit. He's treating you with no more consideration than a sock he wanks into. It's grim that he hounds you for sex. That's not love or empathy. I can't imagine repeatedly forcing someone out of "duty".

You may not want sex OP, but are you physically attracted to your husband, do you actually like him as a person?

OP - the begging and begging and pestering sounds absolutely awful. What a complete turn-off.

There's a book called "Untrue" by a female author who is convinced that women need variety of partners more than men do, and that's why we tend to go off sex with them while they're still going strong. The author's name is Wednesday Martin.

"The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage."

Yup, that's marriage. Why do you think I'd never get married again?

To answer your question, I think it varies tremendously. I'm 50 and have a 60-year-old lover, and he's very sex-focused. I had another one who was 64 and he was the same. But there are many men who are low-drive, too.

I'm sorry you've lost your mojo in that department. It must be a complete turn-off feeling pestered and like you have to do it. You have my sympathies. Mismatched sex drives are a difficult thing to handle in a marriage.

Op, you don't need to ever give in to unwanted sex.
Stop doing so.
Be honest and take the consequences.
It's not as if it is a one off pretend on your behalf.

Say - I'm no longer interested in sex, I'm not turned on any more. I do not want to seek professional help as I feel best being asexual. The sexual part of our marriage agreement I can no longer keep. Feel free to leave and find a more fulfilling partnership. Please stop expecting sex as part of what I will ever offer. Please stop asking for sex.

If the boot were on the other foot.. In good faith, I could not stay married to a man who does not give my physical needs any consideration. I would hate to feel like my husband is just doing rote sex, with me having to initiate the contact, suggest the liason and try to be attractive enough to be sexy in his eyes. Your husband deserves better.

Op, workout your financial and material split and leave. Your husband might want to find some one new.
You, Op, should consider how to find fulfilment in a celibate, single life.