Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

It very clearly is. I suggest you look it up. Coerced sex is rape.

Maybe, but there are also a lot of women who get older, have hormonal changes, their bodies change after children, get "touched out" with children hanging off her. We're allowed to change, in fact it's completely normal to change and is generally a social norm to stay together forever and not a biological one.

People change! It amazes me how entitled a man feels to his wifes body just cos she was sex crazy in her 20s/30s and 3 kids ago 🙄

It’s really not.

I haven’t said that. I have said he would be miserable. Because he would. There is nothing wrong with wanting a marriage that includes physical affection. To have that and then for it to be withdrawn. To have your wife say given the option she would prefer divorce over sex. That’s not a place you can expect someone to exist in.

Under the law it is rape.

What do you mean is he aware? She tells him she doesn't want to do it and he pressures her until she gives in. Saying no means she doesn't want to do it. The fact that he has to pressure her into it is obvious that she's not freely consenting.

When I was with my last partner years ago we stopped having sex because neither of us wanted to. So we sold the house and split up and went onto new relationships.

I wouldn't stay with someone if it was only one sided, me or him. It's not fair on either person.

I still fancy my DH after over 20 years and I'm sure he feels the same way.

The problem is obviously deeper if you don't WANT to have sex with your husband. You absolutely shouldn't be doing it unless you actively want to, but the fact you don't speaks volumes. A sexless marriage isn't the answer but finding someone you want to sleep with might be.

So, reading this you say if he would be miserable, sulk and pressure you or miserable and take it on the chin.

There is some nuance there.

I hope you don't feel I am insulting you or your husband. That isn't my intention at all.

Keep the message up that you don't enjoy, like or want what he wants.

I would love to know how the women on this thread would feel if they wanted to have sex with their husbands and they kept being told the above?

Because if every time I wanted to have sex, my DH told me he didn't enjoy, like or want it, I would be devastated. I would be gutted if he even said / implied it once tbh!

But to "keep the message up that you don't want to have sex with him".

Wow.

I think it depends on the individual. But this is what I hate about relationships and why I cannot be arsed to find one. I HATE the dating process and also hate the thought of having to have sex I don’t want. Which makes relationships hard going.

Are there a lot of women who want the nice house, children etc but not really an intimate relationship with their DH?

Edit

Well done for having that difficult conversation . Keep doing it, calmly, compassionately, truthfully.

For him, sex=love. And not having sex, being told no=unloved.

His pleading, begging, summoning and sulking will just drive you further and further into resentment, anxiety and feeling used.

Your saying no, your reluctance, will just drive him further and further into resentment, anxiety and feeling rejected.

Keep the message up that you don't enjoy, like or want what he wants.

Ensure he knows what you DO like and want.

Op, are you ok with an open marriage?

Why do you dislike sex so much ? Is it him or something to do with menopause etc ?

If you don’t like him, you must tell him that.

Only it’s not that simple because I know that my husband would be miserable in a sexless marriage. Which I will not subject him to because I love him. It’s not that black and white.

Op, did you used to enjoy sex with your husband? Are you physically attracted to him? Or maybe his constant nagging about it is killing your sex drive. Tell him his constant winging and disrespecting your boundaries is a huge turn off. It is okay for dh to want sex, it isn't okay for him to demand it. This sounds like you need to have a serious conversation if you're able to even move forward, and how it is possible to do so, if you haven't already. Dh has a higher sex drive than I do, and would do it every day if he could, but I couldn't be in a sexless marriage so we compromise, and meet in the middle. Most people don't want to feel undesired.

Yes, and then I responded.

You don't say if you ever want sex, if you enjoy it or if it happens only when you feel like it and to the extent that you feel like. Just that you are only enthusiastic about your bed.

If you are putting yourself through something uncomfortable or unpleasant then that's not OK for you or for your husband if he knew that.

How bloody patronising! OP asked a question about male sex drive. A man anwered. So, respectfully, you should probably wind your neck in!

Did you actually read what I said?

Firstly, orgasms aren't necessarily always the goal.

I feel confident that the enthusiasm is authentic through lots of conversations about sex, intimacy and closeness and how we relate to these things. Because of this, we are comfortable saying this is what I want and it's all I want or this was nice, shall we stop now and cuddle?

Maybe this is less dramatic because as two women we are comfortable with different forms of sex, there isn't a 'premium act' that either of us would feel let down without? That doesn't mean that it's always plain sailing, just there is less pressure for a single act if that isn't working for one of us.

So, you're right, this comes down to a level of trust but I feel confident in this because throughout the rest of our relationship the communication and honesty is there.

He is going to think that. Because there is another side to this. You’re telling him that having sex with him is so intolerable you would rather end your marriage. How else is he supposed to take that?

I am in a similar situation, as are many of my female friends with young children, jobs etc, possibly some or most of us are perimenopausal too.

We often discuss that if you want to stay married (we do) you have to put out from time to time. Once a week seems to be the agreed minimum, as the OP has identified.

I don't think it needs to be any more complicated than that. None of us particularly wants to have sex with our husbands right now, we are tired and would prefer to get some sleep or read a book. But we also don't want to sell our houses, and co-parent and deal with our ex husbands new wife, or try and date in 2025 when the last time any of us dated was pre-tinder.

None of us see ourselves as being in a coercive marriage!

If relevant, we also discussed that our husbands are all quite skilled in that department and we actually quite like it when we get past the beginning. Maybe this is actually the issue for the OP, the husband isn't doing it right? Can that be worked on at all?

If it's more than what I have outlined above, then I think divorce is probably the answer.

Do you love him?