Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

When she is not telling him never he isn’t going to work it out. How brutal is that? My wife never wants to be affectionate with me. Imagine your husband looking you in the face and telling you that. Imagine knowing this. That your husband. The man you married. Is actively not interested in any intimacy with you ever.

Again. It’s not as straightforward as people are making out.

No I don't want to - is pretty clear and honest.

A marriage where both people are miserable by choice might be a first lol.

Yeah God forbid he employ a bit of deduction and think "my wife never initiates, always refuses when I initiate, only sometimes eventually agrees after I moan for ages. Doesn't evince any pleasure when we do. Hmm, I wonder if maybe she doesn't want to be having sex?"

Yes generally it dwindles when there is a medical issue.

Dealing with the situation is required, not hoping for a future medical issue.

And the OP’s partner isn’t saying that.

You can keep going all day but as he is not informed of the situation he is due to deceit from the OP he cannot act with knowledge. She needs to be clear and honest.

My dads 79 and still actively horny!

We have established you are not good communicators.

If you don’t want to have sex anymore and are fine with him having sex with other people then this sounds like the worst way to address it. You said something obviously in frustration which would be a free pass to cheat and you want him to take that as an offer? I’m not sure if you do love him still and would still want affection excluding sex.

You need to sit down and have a conversation where you set out that you have serious issues with sex now and have lost all interest, you can’t see that changing. However, you recognise that you should not trap him in a sexless marriage but also are not looking to get divorced. Then say you want to offer him the option of opening the marriage on his side, point out this is not you wanting to go elsewhere for sex as you have lost interest. If you do still love him and still want non-sexual affection say that too.

You may want to do this with a councillor in a therapy setting or just when you both have a clam time together and not a time where the topic of sex will come up. Then suggest researching and coming up with how it would work.

You need to know what you want and what you are willing to risk, but this is not a sustainable situation.

Have you thought about why your sex drive is so low?
Are you not attracted to him?
Are you not attracted to men?
Is it hormone related?
Is it mental health related?
Is it work related?
There's lots to explore but you're clearly not happy with things as they are.

None of those things are coercion, they're persuasion. As you say, he is trying to get you in the mood, not trying to get you to submit to his desires irrespective of your mood. It only becomes coercion when he says 'you have to have sex with me now, I did all those nice things for you!"

It is straightforward. You're talking about changing your mind, she's talking about being bullied into something she doesn't want to do.

Coerced sex in this case is not having the freedom to refuse. The OP is subjected to a relentless harassment campaign until she gives in.

Your example is someone changing their mind about sex and consensually agreeing to sex. There is no comparison.

Nah you can't spin it that way. He's not the one saying "do this thing you don't want to do or I'll leave." He is just not doing something he doesn't want to do. Just as, if she left, she wouldn't be manipulating him - she'd be taking responsibility for her own 'deal breaker' instead of making it his problem.

Especially in this gender flip actually. For women, sex is not hard to come by. If she leaves her husband she is not going to have to go without. You could argue that for men, sex is at a premium and therefore if sex is their priority leaving a stable relationship with very little sex may not be the best way to go about getting more. But for the poster, she can leave her husband and get much more sex pretty much whenever she chooses. There is no 'carrot' to dangle. Even if he was having sex with her a lot more often, their monogamy is still actually inhibiting her from getting all the sex she could be getting, if that's her main priority.

Anyway, even if you do spin it that way, and he's the manipulator - apparently she still wants sex with someone who doesn't want it, and who she knows doesn't want it. That, IMO, makes her a pretty dreadful person.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Presumably it depends on the man. DH is in his mid 60s and his (high) libido doesn’t show any signs of dwindling.

Literally all human behaviour could be pigeon holed into coercion. My husband is horny. He knows I’m not. He buys me gifts. Cooks me dinner. Gets me in the mood. Coerces me into a place where earlier in the day it was a definite no.

Humans coerce. It’s simple.

But this specifically the OP has not been honest. She has said that. She has a man who values sex who she is coercing into staying into that marriage by sometimes saying no then yes then no and no but never actually telling him the reality of the marriage he is in. There are, as I’ve said, layers to this. It is possible for women to be assholes and recognise that and then change their mind because they own it. It’s also possible for menopausal women to own that their dwindling sex drive doesn’t mean when they can actually bothered they don’t enjoy it. And it’s possible to do things and enjoy it that really you aren’t that bothered about to make someone else happy.

Like I said it’s not straightforward.

That's not a very good counter argument. Though when you think about it, why are you trying to justify rape?

And you don’t understand the human brain.

Or let’s spin it.

He doesn’t want the marriage to end. He knows she might leave if he cuts off sex. So he dangles it like a carrot, having sex just enough to keep her coerced into staying in a marriage where really she isn’t loved and cared for.

You don't understand coerced sex. For sex to be consensual, the other person needs freedom to consent. You don't have freedom to consent when you are being constantly harassed to give in.

Giving in to sex after being ground down is rape.

No she hasn't, in fact it seems it's very rare for her to refuse and not be pestered into giving in. Do you think that's acceptable?

I'm not surprised this is your take though, I've seen you on multiple threads excusing and brushing over appalling behaviour from men.

Agree, this is an extreme case, not simply a difference in sex drives. Op, it sounds like you will both be happier apart? I don't know it I have missed a post. Is it menopause or an attraction/pestering issue that has worsened over time maybe? This cannot continue, it isn't healthy for anybody.

She has said herself that she has not been upfront about where she is at. She needs to be clear and honest. So he is able to make an informed decision.

No I do not agree what’s being described here is rape. As I said it’s offensive to think women cannot way up the pros and cons, to want to make their spouse happy, to change their mind. There are layers to this that are beyond.

Yo. Wife. Fancy sex?
No
.
.
.
he rapes her.

There is a LOT that can happen in between. It’s not as simple as people here are making out.

He's perfectly aware she doesn't want sex. He has to wear her down to get it. Does that sound like enthusiastic consent?

I did and she’s been very clear that there are multiple times that she doesn’t even when he asks.

In that instance he doesn't "want" sex once a week. You know this, he is having it so you don't leave. So you are happy to have sex you know he doesn't want. That is what is wrong here, not you having sexual needs. You are staying with someone who doesn't want sex. You're just making him having sex he doesn't want a condition of you staying.

What you ought to do is leave, or ask him to explore options for increasing his drive first but then leave. I don't know how you can stomach sleeping with a man who you KNOW is checking the day of the week, counting back to the last time, sighing deeply then girding his loins and getting down to it, getting it ticked off the list. How is that satisfying? How don't you feel filled with guilt and shame?

You are using the fact you care less about the relationship to manipulate it to your liking. Just have the courage of your convictions and leave him, and fulfil you "need" for sex with someone who actually wants it with you.