Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Ah so you’re advocating playing games. Not honesty.

it’s not team sex on tap. It’s team if you aren’t honest the marriage is doomed. If your needs aren’t compatible the marriage is doomed. And expecting anyone who wants intimacy to stay in a marriage where there is none, that’s scum.

What I meant was if one of you is never really in the mood for sex but doesn’t say that then this could look like:
Day 1 having a conversation along the lines of “you look amazing in that dress let’s head upstairs” and “I’m just feeling a bit bloated/have a bad head/whatever at the moment”.
Day 2 He tries to initiate something the next night and she says she’s just not feeling very up for it right now
Day 3 He attempts something to help her get in the mood (maybe rubbing back, holding hands or other touching etc). She feels if she makes another excuse he will want to know why she is never in the mood and she will be formed into a difficult discussion so she has sex & may well also pretend to enjoy it.

I can absolutely see how you can create an environment where your partner feels pressured without that being your intention if there isn’t open and honest communication.

OP has however since come back and said she’s had that discussion and been clear how she feels so even if there was some misunderstanding going on previously there certainly isn’t any longer.

I can also see the argument of others that boils down to people in relationships do lots of things they may not be keen on to make their OHs happy/because their OH likes something. I fully appreciate it’s a different thing but my OH and I will both go on a holiday/partake in an activity of the other’s choosing sometimes and we will enjoy the experience through what it offers to our partner even though we may not directly enjoy the activity itself. I can absolutely see some couples may extend this to their sex life and if that is how they want to do it I wouldn’t criticise them for it as it’s not an entirely unreasonable position. I don’t see it can work in this instance as it’s not that OP is a bit ambivalent but goes along with regular sex as she knows it’s important to her OH and enjoys his pleasure in it even if she’s not always that into it herself. She clearly actively dislikes it to an extent that it’s making her miserable. What I wasn’t clear on from the initial posts was if her OH actually knew how she felt or if she was feeling this way and hiding it as she was afraid it would be a marriage ending conversation to say she just doesn’t want sex

I’m yet to meet a man who’s happy to go without who isn’t doing it with someone else…

But he does sound happy to bully OP into sex.

@Riaanna my point was, that his behaviour during the break may open OPs eyes about her husband's intentions. If he leaves her alone he's probably a decent guy. If he coerces her again then he's scum.

Not sure why you're so adamant about being team sex on tap. 🤷🏻‍♀️ There's nothing in wedding vows about vaginas being open access at all times.

I assume this is generalised (yes, such men sadly DO exist), because the OP's husband does not sound happy.

Always baffled by men who are happy to have sex with reluctant and coerced women. How revolting.

Exactly. There's a deceitful theme throughout the morally horrified replies - 'don't bend to his will, bend him to yours'!

And as a general observation/thought about 'respectful' husbands, there's always the possibility that your husband is happy to go sexless because he doesn't fancy you.

A sexless marriage when you’re both happy is not the same.

Requesting a 2 month break when you know it will change nothing is deceitful.

How about it's the effects of peri/meno/menopause?

How about she has the beginnings of vaginal atrophy? NOT just dryness, but a shutting down of her system down there? Causing pain, tearing, shrinkage.

It isn't immediately obvious when it starts, but it can end up causing lichen sclerosus and even cancer.

Everyone just banging on about her just increasing her libido has no idea. OVER 50% of women will get vaginal atrophy. Some of you who are suggesting she just thinks about her sex drive will be in that category. Bet you'll rethink your perspective then.

OP it is possible to be married and say no to sex and not be guilt tripped into doing against your wishes. I'm in a sexless marriage but we have discussed it a lot and are both happy with not doing it currently.

What would happen if you told him "sex is causing me pain, I need a break from it and the begging for at least two months". Would he really sulk that long? Would he force you to do it anyway?
Any man who cares more about the fate of his penis than his wife's body and mental wellbeing is just a terrible person in my opinion.

I would never let anyone's sexual desires override the right to have control over my own body. If some women are OK with maintenance sex then good for them but I'm not one of them. (And I've made peace with the potential consequences of either cheating or divorce happening due to this boundary I've set myself). I would rather divorce and never date again than have something forced upon me.

Honestly I’ve read through your points but you seem to have a problem with no viable solution.

neither of you are wrong in your position. Some women would be ecstatic their DH desires them so much and complain their husband isn’t interested. Others feel the same way as you and don’t want to do it much anymore and wish their husband wasn’t interested.

Your husband wants to sleep with his wife regularly. That is also normal.

you love each other and want to stay together.
what solution are you looking for? you either are compatible or you aren’t. Neither of you should be forcing each other to meet each other’s needs.

The OP has said it's sex in general.

is your issue sex in general or sex with your husband? sounds like it’s time for you to leave if the thought of having sex with your husband makes you feel sick.

The OP says she doesn't want to divorce therefore she has to have sex she doesn't want. She has recently had a conversation with her husband where she's asked him to stop bullying her and she'll approach him for sex.

However the OP seems pretty traumatised by her frequent sexual assaults and it's highly unlikely he'll stop.

The OP is actually describing a weight of expectation (and sex isn't an unreasonable expectation in a marriage).

She hasn't directly told her husband that she wants their marriage to be sexless. She's told him that it's 'just' a frequency issue, not a complete issue, thus (unsurprisingly) he has continued trying to initiate. And he'll continue sulking (and whether that is a good or a bad way to express his confusion/unhappiness is incidental) for as long as her actions are contradictory; there is a BIG difference between infrequent sex and no sex. The OP kicking the can down the road, hoping he won't notice the contradiction, isn't working.

As will always be the case on MN, some will be determined to have him down as a rapist, instead of being a husband who doesn't know whether he's coming or going. I don't think any of us would advise another to just lay back and think of England (which is self coercion, in order to remain married). The only option open to the OP now is to be honest - tell her husband there's to be no more sex. At all.

I’m not saying what he’s doing isn’t disgusting (to say the least) but she’s still just circling around it.

I might have missed it but has OP responded to anyone yet about whether or not she even still loves him? Everything about this seems convenience, at most.

Sad for both parties.

I was going to say.

I'm confused with a few pp's claiming that OP's DH doesn't know. Yes he does, OP says he knows and that they've talked about it 'many times'. OP has even said he can leave if he isn't happy and DH has declined.

There are two issues here and some people appear confused.

One is a husband who finds himself in a sexless relationship and has no idea why. He asks his wife and she doesn't respond and he has no clue what's going on. Yes, she really should communicate with him.

Two is a husband who won't take no for an answer. His wife has turned him down for sex and he relentlessly harasses and bullies her into giving in. He knows his wife doesn't want to have sex because she said no but he has sex with her anyway.

Man here,
Keep saying no and it will soon die out. I gave up a long time ago, I did want it all the time but the constant resentment has killed my want to even try, at this point you would be where you want to be.

On a side note. No does mean no nowadays and he can't push it as others have stated it's abusive.

His partner has Alzheimer’s and it’s an issue.

How is that enough in a marriage?

Imagine your partner suddenly never wanting sex and you just don’t know why. It’s not because they’re sick, it’s not because they’re having an affair - they just stopped wanting you and you have no clue if it will ever change and you’re just expected to… wait?

I’m sorry but it’s disingenuous. OP needs to tell him the truth and then he can decide if he wants to stay married or not. Telling him to wait for her to come to him (in a month? Two months? A year?) is ridiculous.

She has communicated plenty. Read the OP's posts. He knows she doesn't want it. He knows she is only doing it to serve his needs. And he bloody well knows fine well what 'no' or 'not now' means, but on a regular basis he is pushing past those very clear statements and begging, pleading etc until the OP gives in. What is the point of communicating any further when he clearly doesn't give a damn what she says?

God forbid that people are expected to communicate!

she has an issue where it is causing her distress and your answer is "well he should deduce what she thinks."

Well he obviously hasn't so far and both sound miserable. So perhaps trying the revolutionary approach of communicating may help make progress.

Ewww, how do you even know that? 😂