Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

109 replies

Crikey85 · 08/04/2025 21:08

I need to start by saying I really value my in laws. They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it (although sometimes I’ve felt uncomfortable about this) and are brilliant grandparents to our two children.

The problem is I’m finding their involvement in everything suffocating to the point I’ve started snapping at them and having arguments with my husband about it. It makes me feel terrible, ungrateful and just a cow in general. But when I’m around them with my kids I feel like I’m on a supervised visit with my own children! They make me feel like I’m not capable enough and it’s really affecting me. But I just don’t know if it’s me being over sensitive.

The way my brain works it’s easier to list examples of the things they do that make me feel so smothered and then you can tell me what you think :

  • tell my children to “be careful” countless times when we’re out and about even when I’m there and have risk assessed the situation myself. All toddlers run!!
  • remind me of things I need for the kids - hats, gloves
  • tell me I need to buy my daughter new school shoes then ask me if I’ve bought them yet
  • fil in particular doesn’t like 2 year old having her dummy if she’s not napping or asleep so he repeatedly makes comments of “what do you need that dummy for?” I agree but sometimes I need her to calm down a bit
  • if we’re at a play park together fil in particular will constantly check where the eldest is (he’s four) even though today we were playing hide and seek he kept repeatedly asking “where’s Emily?!” Making me feel as though I can’t be left to ensure her safety by myself!

General things that also become overwhelming:

  • entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?
  • commenting on our plans for renovating our house by our self. Telling us we’d bought the wrong tools or should do this should do that

All of this has been exacerbated this week because we’ve all been away together. At the start of the week my eldest was having a tantrum about going down a water slide again even though we needed to go, I told my husband, mil and fil to go on and leave me to deal with my daughter. Apparently no one heard so just as I was about to put my foot down with my daughter who is very head strong anyway, my fil walked up picked her up and started comforting her! I’m sad to say I flipped. I just feel totally undermined all the time.
Another example today we went to a museum all morning. Father in law again quite domineering, questioning my explanation of how to get on the train, telling me my daughter needs the toilet, rather than walking off without us when she wants to do an interactive game stands in the distance watching us and waiting for us to follow as though we can’t be left to our own devices. I ended up snapping when on the train back into town I suggested he and mil go for a coffee or something whilst I go with my kids to buy some books (as I jusr wanted some time me and them) and he said “naaaa it’s fine” whilst once again pushing my kids in their pram when maybe id quite like to do it. I snapped and said “don’t you trust me to look after them or something?” He couldn’t even deny it!!

My in laws have paid for everything for this trip which makes me feel so guilty for complaining. I am totally open to being told I’m being a completely oversensitive nightmare. I am neurodivergent (recently diagnosed).

For what it’s worth I’m self employed with a successful business, have a great circle of friends and family (just don’t have my own parents around but that’s another story). So I’m fairly normal and not sure why I feel so undervalued and underestimated by my in laws!! But it’s really getting me down and not sure what to do now.

thanks for reading this absolute monstrosity of a post

ps don’t want to drip feed - my husband came on this trip but left on Monday due to work

OP posts:
Springadorable · 08/04/2025 21:46

The only weird one there is going into your house to get the shed key. All the rest is just normal caring, if mildly irritating if you're feeling sensitive, grandparent stuff.

Timeforsnacks · 08/04/2025 21:38

They sound a bit much but they are similar to my in-laws. I think maybe you just don't like them?
Imagine one day your son having a baby, imagine how excited you would be to take care of them and push the pram and dote after them, that's all they are doing. They wouldn't have even thought about you or how good or bad a mother you are so try not to take it personally.
Yes they are a bit annoying sounding so just don't have any holiday time without your husband. Also maybe really ask yourself if it's really too hard for you to give up some of your matriarch position when they are around?

vincettenoir · 08/04/2025 21:35

Most of that sounds like standard grandparent behaviour. I think the key problem here is the amount of time spent together. I think 90% of people would be fed up with their in-laws after a week away with them.

You seem to value what you bring to your family generally, you just need a break from them.

CandyCane457 · 08/04/2025 21:34

I would find all that frustrating too OP, it sounds too much. My in laws can be a little like that, very over involved, telling me what to do and sometimes treat me and my partner like we are children. They have an opinion on everything we do, always like to make “suggestions” and think because they are older and have lived longer, they know best. I get really irritated. But in the same breath, tney are kind, generous, and would do anything for us. They’re just a lot.
Sounds like you spend an awful lot of time with yours, just been on holiday and now on a day out at the museum? Is there possibility to dial back a little?

BananasInPyjamasAreRunningDownTheStairs · 08/04/2025 21:33

A lot of this sounds like a nightmare.

One thing I will say, as a grandparent, I find myself fussing over safety of my grandchildren more than I did my children and hear myself saying "be careful" and the like constantly. I just don't have the same confidence and really close understanding of their exact current capabilities as I did my children, if that makes sense? Eg my children I knew exactly if they were ok climbing up a climbing frame, jumping on and off something etc because I was with them all the time. Grandchildren, might change week to week and if I've not taken them to the park for a month I'm not up to date enough to have the parents confidence.

juicelooseabootthishoose · 08/04/2025 21:28

I think some of the examples sound mildly irritating as can often be the case of close relatives you are not blood related to. But none of it sounds targeted at you or malicious. It sounds like well intentioned helpful grandparents who are sometimes not getting it quite right. It sounds to me more like your own insecurities about yourself, yourself as a parent or your relationship with your own close family are clouding your judgement a bit at the moment and making you feel attacked and criticized. That must feel terrible but i dont see that from your examples myself. Id take a little space, decrease the frequency a little and try to figure out what nerve it is they are hitting and why.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/04/2025 21:21

This sounds nightmarish to me. I'd be dialing back the time with them. Holidaying without your husband is clearly a big no no. Let him sort them out while you get a break. If they start questioning your parenting have a stock phrase to use e.g. I know you mean well but I'm the parent now Frank. Let's talk about something else, shall we? . And repeat.

AnneLady · 08/04/2025 21:19

why have you given them keys to your house? I would ask for them back as they came in looking for shed keys. Some of the comments need to be ignored by you really. They probably mean well. Or calmly state you will be doing the parenting your way. Can you see a bit less of them? Doesn't seem a great idea to go on holiday with them.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/04/2025 21:12

Sorry but that all sounds pretty normal and caring of them. You sound like you have an opinion and are twisting everything to fit it. Just let them get involved when they're there, sounds like they just want to be engaged with your kids.