Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

They sound like very well meaning and kind grandparents who just miss the mark sometimes. The be careful etc sounds very normal and checking where little ones are- grandparents worry! I’m sure they want to help and want to give you a rest- it may come across as undermining like the water slide. The asking about buying school shoes maybe she was thinking of buying for you but needed to check if you’d bought first to make sure you didn’t double up on them. The only think I would be very anointed at is the letting
g in to do the garden- again well intentioned but I wouldn’t like that

I completely disagree, they are being overbearing and trying to parent your children rather than being grandparents. Being a grandparent isn't a second run at having kids, it's a different, more removed role.

• entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?

This is definitely not on,I agree it’s an invasion of privacy

They do sound too interfering but it's a them problem and have nothing to do with your capabilities as a parent.
As for "be careful" all the time it's because they don't have the same intimate/innate understanding of your children as you do so they will worry more. My Ds 11 hates it when my Mil takes his hand for crossing a road (he walks home on his own after school so no need). I've told her and she acknowledges that she's more nervous with her gc than she was with her dc and tries to stop this impulse.
As for New shoes/other. Smile and tell them "I got it."
Also, you seem to spend too much time with them. Leave one of your dc with them and spend some time with the other.

To be honest I think you've got a lot of cheek.

You're happy to keep taking from them, then blow up on them over nothing. Either stop accepting money/help whatever else they're giving, or stop complaining about them being involved grandparents.

I agree! I'm so risk averse with my grandchild and I'm always telling her to be careful. But, I only do this when I'm looking after her on my own. When either or both of her parents are there, I would never do this and I leave it to them to make the decisions.

OP's in-laws behave as though they are the ones who call the shots which must be so frustrating.

The main issue is that because they have been so generous and pay for everyone, OP and her DH feel a sense of obligation towards them. OP certainly needs to stop going on holiday with them without her DH.

They sound fairly intense I would say! Interestingly, do they look after any grandchildren (not yours) a lot for childcare? I feel that really blurs the lines.

I also could never do a holiday with my in laws and no dh (prob also not with DH 🤣).

My only advice would be to be more direct - “I will deal with my daughter’s tantrum about leaving, please leave us alone” or “I’d like some time with the kids in this busy week - meet you back here in an hour?”

I don't think you're horrible, but it seems like they really really trigger you....and it'd be best to try to be less reactive I think or it's going to make stuff more and more awkward going forward.
Part of its probably working out what works for you to feel most chilled, and then trying to have that when with them.
is there a connection with your parents that is what's triggering or this feeling of being watched/suffocated.

My parents were like this when my kids were young. Extremely performative in their vigilance. For example, on holiday with them and I’d sit on a sun lounger whilst the kids were in the pool. I could see them both (and hear them) but the moment my bum hit the chair, my mum jumped up to patrol the poolside. They were right in front of me but she thought we had to look vigilant.
same with keys. They had a key “just in case “ but would use it whenever they liked, even when I was in, they’d use it to just come in! I took it back.
loads of other overstepping, my kids are adults now and we don’t see very much of them.

This.
take a break from them. They mean well but they are over bearing.

I agree with this. One of my siblings has incredibly dominant MIL - a lovely woman, it all comes from love, but she bankrolls so much of my siblings family ‘extra’ stuff, that she buys herself a voice.

its rough with the smooth. If you want more control, you need to be a bit more independent

It's a normal problem to have. I see it as essentially 4 adults trying to do the same task so if course it's going to be frustrating and some people (usually not the parents) have to step back. Even my DH and I have to often remember that the other parent not to get involved if the other parent is handling something. It can also be the grandparents seeing you as younger, or even still children, and so thinking they know more. The dummy thing (along with socks!) is definitely something almost all older people I know harp on a lot.

Your DH should have a talk with your ILs and tell them they need to back off trying to parent when you're already doing it. I also find it easier to let the grandparents just take the kids and have them out of sight of me. I trust them overall, even if I don't agree with every decision they make.

Also it's really common for parents to see your house as something they have input on which is annoying because it is useful to have ideas or help but you don't need them doing things on their own accord. I think both my father and MIL got the idea to ask first before doing things after I promptly just undid things they had done around my house.

Sounds like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder and are reading situations to confirm that chip.

All ILs can be a bit annoying - I’m sure they feel the same about you - but if you know their actions and words are coming from a good place, supportive and loving, I’d suggest trying to shift your mindset and cut them some slack. If you do this, your communication with them will also improve, expectations will be better understood, and misunderstandings like the comforting your dd just as you were about to get tougher with her will be less likely in future.

They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it

Knock this on the head as much as possible. You have (for whatever reason, I’m not dismissing the severity of the issues) made them feel indispensable and like you (both of you) can’t cope without them.

Keys? Just why? 🤦‍♀️

Holidays without your husband there? Just no. No.

I think you've allowed this in by taking money or advice from them before so you've let them overstep your boundaries and now it's going to be hard to redraw them

This would annoy me too OP. I would let a couple of things go but I would be saying ‘don’t worry Clive I’m the mummy and I’ve got this! You do know I look after them every day don’t you?!’ And tinkle laugh. And then I would be repeating later ‘don’t worry Clive I’m still here being the parent and watching them - as usual!!’
‘I can cope / I can manage / thanks for your help though’

Love your answer. And so true.
I'm a Granny and I worry more about my DGS than I did when mine were that age ! But I do try not to 'parent' and just have fun. The in-laws are so lucky to have so much time with their GC
And the shed key...my FIL and MIL would totally have done that. My MIL used to rearrange all my ornaments/knick knacks when she was here. Sigh.

My DM forgets that we deal with our children day-in, day-out and are capable of thinking about their needs.

Examples that stick in my mind are my DParents popping in to see our new kitchen on their way past and my DM anxiously asking if I needed them to collect my DDs from school. I don't think they've collected them from school for about 3 years, so why we would have failed to arrange to collect them ourselves on that one day is a mystery. Another classic was 5 minutes before FIL's funeral was due to start, DM tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I'd given my DDs lunch. Again, no idea why she thought I would have forgotten to feed them when we manage every day. Also no idea what she thought anyone could do while sitting in a pew with a funeral about to start, if we had forgotten to feed them lunch.

I can sort of understand that it might be hard to understand your own child as a functioning adult, but it seems worse from an inlaw, as they aren't seeing you as the child they once knew, just an incompetent adult.

I think most of the examples are quite endearing and helpful. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I get the feeling you enjoy their help but also resent them.

I don't think it sounds normal at all - especially not poking around the house uninvited looking for keys while they're away. Most grandparents know when to back off and not constantly interfere.

They sound overbearing and interfering. I couldn't stand that! I'm sure they have good intentions but you need to distance yourself a bit - not sure how though. You are definitely NBU.

I'm the same as you in some ways, no parents of my own anymore, run my own business etc, when I first met my DH, his parents had a say in pretty much everything he did, it never bothered him, he relied on their opinions quite a lot back then and they weren't shy in telling him what he should and shouldn't be doing, they were quite forceful about it, and in fact his dad would come round and ALWAYS have to mention something about the house that needed doing, or ask him about something he hadn't done yet, or subtly criticise him in some way, it used to wind me up on his behalf as I've never tolerated parental influence in the way DH did and I used to find it quite jarring/annoying, although I accepted that they mostly meant well.

It slowly changed over time, I used to respectfully listen to them, but then do what I wanted anyway and they soon got the message that their opinions would not change my mind as I'm too strong willed for that (stubborn), I said to his dad quite amicably one day 'why do you care so much, you always go on about it and you don't even live here!' when he mentioned something for the 10th time, he stopped himself doing it after that. DH also started trusting his own decision making a lot more and stopped listening to the unsolicited advice once we became our own team, it helped enormously that we were both on the same page.

I think borrowing money off them, and relying on them to fill a gap through your situations may have opened the door for them feeling like they now have some parental authority over you both, which explains the secret gardening too, they feel they need to step in and help even though you haven't asked for it, I do think you are being oversensitive about some things (My MIL is a massive worrier about our DD4, but it seems to stem from her own anxiety rather than a criticism of my parenting, she is always telling her to be careful, or reminding me about something that she perceives as dangerous etc), but your sensitivity is not entirely unwarranted tbh, they seem to be overstepping somewhat, how are they with DH and how is he in response to things they do?

There are two broad schools of thought on MN op.

The first is that having the support of doting grandparents is well worth a few aggravating comments or incidents - and there will be irritations. It’s normal when people are in both physical and emotional proximity, have generational differences in attitudes, and, finally ( often overtired) little people are thrown into the mix. Nonetheless, this first attitude is that the overall benefits of having involved grandparents to fall back on for practical and often emotional support, to enjoy your children with you, even to ask for advice on occasion and, above all, to add life and generational texture to your children’s existence is well worth the occasional tensions.

The other school of thought is that the really important thing is that they know that you, as Wife of the Son and Mother to the Children, are fully in charge and will have your wishes, feelings and preferences heeded at all costs and as a priority. I honestly think it’s the second group who find life as a parent far harder. It’s a blessing to have involved grandparents. Many people don’t and really feel their children miss out.

The one thing I thought was overstep was entering the house while you were not there. Other than that, maybe just try to take little “ space breaks” before you end up snapping and saying things like don’t you trust me etc. I suspect fil just didn’t deny it as he found it awkward, rather than that he genuinely doesn’t trust you. He was possibly a bit hurt.

Depends so much on the relationship and you can't get that across here.

The same thing from different people I would take differently. From one I know it's based in caring, other it's a dig.