Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

I’d be pissed off with FIL looking through your bedroom for the keys and I’m sure they’re probably a bit irritating to you but it all sounds as if they just care, so you’re lucky in that respect.
Your FIL was right about the dummy if your little one didn’t need it but I also appreciate that sometimes it’s not a battle you need to have if it calms them down.
Oh and unless you get on with them exceptionally well, I think it was pretty shit of your DH to up and leave for work, leaving you with them. If he had to work, he should have declined the offer of the holiday.

I don’t think you are “ just horrible” op.

I think you are processing a lot of difficult things regarding parental relationships and becoming a parent was always going to be complicated for you.

It’s probably been easy for you to imagine that “ when it works” it just works flawlessly for many others; but honestly all these interactions are anything from occasionally slightly aggravating to devastating for everyone.

However, at the occasionally aggravating end, they are also hugely supportive and enriching relationships and I’m actually really happy for you that in many ways these ILs are able to provide that for you to some extent. Be kind to yourself when you find it hard; it can be. But please don’t let that tempt you to throw away this opportunity for a loving ( if sometimes a bit overbearing) extended family for your Dc - and, in fact, for you. Because you deserve it too and I do believe you can work with it to make it a big positive going forward.

I wonder if being quite open with your ILs about finding it hard to adjust to involved family would help? And that you can be inclined to take it as criticism or lack of faith in you. It’s a perfectly natural response and stating that you genuinely appreciate the involvement but also don’t find it comes naturally might be an opportunity to put in a few boundaries ( like coming in your house uninvited?) without torching them off completely.

I’m so sorry to hear about your parents @Crikey85. If you tiptoed around them people pleasing as a child this will have a significant impact on your relationships as an adult. It’s very difficult for people with good solid experiences as children to understand.

I would suggest you seek out some help for your experience with your own parents. A psychologist who specialises in CPTSD and family dynamics would be a good starting point.

It's not all about the sensitivity though. It's the reactivity. And that's hard as a tired mum I know my own emotions want to spill over on occasion. But being snappy never improves things does it. Just gives us regrets and more to overthink.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad x that must be a huge weight to bear. And your mum too.
Self compassion might be a good thing to explore. Other people can't really give us the level of love and validation we need but we can try to give some of that to ourselves. ❤️

I agree, normal stuff, they arent undermining you, they are just concerned. I think i do everyone of those things with my grandaughter whether her parents are there or not, if she says something to her parents i think is rude, i tell her off. i ask if she has her coat or hat because i dont want her to be cold, its just me.

I looked after her for the first 4.5 years of her life so dont know if that makes a difference.

I was given the key for her house but wouldnt go in unless she asked me to but if they are willing to look after your garden, just be gratefull.
As the saying goes, “choose your battles”

This. My in laws came round recently and kept shouting "careful!!!" in a panicked way at my two year old. At first I thought they were being overbearing - then I realised that the last time they saw her (nearly a year before) she was unsteady on her feet and they just didn't know what was safe for her and what wasn't. My DH reassured them that she was fine running and would slow down rather than trip, so they didn't need to keep worrying.

Saying that though, the other scenarios would annoy me too OP. Don't go on holiday with them again!

Yes! It's not because we don't trust or respect the parents. It's a natural instict especially if you're responsible for them sometimes.

I’m not sure it’s usual to have both DGps present all the time. Usually it’s DGM. But being two you are a bit outnumbered.
The post at the start of the thread by a DGM I agree with - very hard to be confident DGC won’t run on the road or fall off the swing if you are not always with them.

Yep. It's really hard to explain, and I wouldn't have understood it before I became a grandparent. But just being in my grandchildren's presence brings out a protective instinct and feeling of responsibility in me. Even when I'm not responsible for them in any practical sense.

It's taken me by suprise, this whole primitive stuff that happened when I became a grandparent. It shouldn't have surprised me, because from an anthropological and biological point of view, it's known to be instinctive, and in many cultures, grandparents play a very important role right from birth, in caring for the baby's basic needs.

This is why I have a new respect and appreciation for my wonderful late MIL, and wish I'd understood back then, how visceral her feelings were for my kids.

It does sound very annoying and can understand why you might feel how you do. You could just politely say , thanks for being concerned but you don't need to remind me to get gloves and hats. They do sound quite intrusive, looking round your home for keys and getting involved and comments about your renovation. These things can be sorted though , you just need to say things like thanks for trying but I'd appreciate it if you didn't go around our home when we are away, something along the lines of

As auntie who did alot of babysitting, i sympathise with them a bit. It is hard for me to switch off from being my nephews 'responsible adult' even when his parents are there.

@Crikey85
oh op re your patents.
that is so sad.
I know that must be difficult.

it feels to me like what they do comes from a position of kindness, but that doesn't mean that you're not right to feel as you do - my inlaws drive me nuts not because they mean to but because they're very different from my family (who also drive me nuts because they're my family 😁)

Personally I would try and have a conversation about it - make them a cup of tea or bring them a glass of wine, after the kids are in bed, and say that you realise that you probably got snappy with them earlier/yesterday and that you hate to feel that you hurt them when you did that. Say you really appreciate that their intentions are good and that everything they do comes from a place of love (assuming this is how you feel) but that because of your own history and relationship with your parents you sometimes hear what they say as a criticism or it makes you feel [insert what you feel here]

Yes perhaps you shouldn't 'need' to do this but if they're nice people and genuinely care about you and their grandchildren they will hopefully then feel able to back off a bit, or at least understand and properly back off if you do reach a snappy point again.

At the moment they're mayby having their own conversations about you saying "Crikey seems really stressed, lets take the pressure off by being more proactive with the children so she can relax" blissfully unaware that you feel the opposite. Just clarify things for them without making it sound accusatory and hopefully they will understand a bit better?

I think if OP refused to let them do childcare everyone would say she's being unfair keeping her children from their grandparents, but if people want to use it against the mother for having them involved, they're helping her and getting nothing from it themselves.

It's like childcare/spending time with grandchildren is whatever the person wants it to be in that moment, that helps them get what they want.

If you want them to be less involved then stop involving them so much. Pay for your own holidays and don’t ask for their financial help. Whatever’s gone on in the past where you needed them/their money has made them think you can’t stand on your own two feet so they’re trying to help.

Most of your examples are normal caring grandparent things, you can choose to see them as love and care or unwelcome criticism and interference. I’d do the former if I still needed their involvement in your lives. Or you can continue snapping, hurt their feelings and damage relationships that are important to your kids.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this too much OP. Your feelings about this are really normal. unsolicited parenting advice is annoying! But the truth is most of us doubt ourselves most of the time. Can you talk to your DH? Do you have any friends with similar age kids? Sharing the challenges of parenting with others can be really helpful to gain perspective and learn that all the other mums doubt themselves too. If you’re going on hols with your PIL are you close enough to be open with them? You could apologise for snapping and say that it was because you feel all their advice and suggestions to do things differently make you feel like they don’t think you are doing a good job and it gets on top of you sometimes.
I will say though that as the kids get older their suggestions will reduce.
also get your bloody house key back!

It could be the paying thing.
And a generation thing.
Its not how I behave with my grandchildren
Around Christmas we were treated to a very expensive meal ( my young adult son was included ) so quite an expense - but person proving thought it was fine to be super critical and boss my son around.
I was appalled- we won’t be going again …. Put some distance between you and then.

I have anxious controlling ILs too OP. I feel you. Reducing time spent together and learning from two disastrous holidays was the solution for us.

The key thing is a big overstep, and needs to be separated from the other things.

The other stuff, whilst annoying, you need to learn to laugh at in your head - and carefully limit your exposure/put in breaks with longer visits etc.

My MIL has a really annoying habit of "explaining" my son to the rest of the family, and to us. E.g. turning to BIL and saying things like, "look, that's a pee face! He's doing a pee!"

DS was VERY OBVIOUSLY grunting out a poo. She does it all the time, explaining his behaviour to anyone who'll listen, and 3/4 of the time she's wrong. But it's just a silly thing she does. It probably annoys everyone else just as much as it annoys me!

This!

Or if they moan about something, I suggest they do xyz then since they seem to know my child who is with me 24/7 more than them who has only met them once or sees them a few times a year.

Tends to quiet them quite quick. Do have some even older elders who send a comment their way that shuts them down which helps too.

I think you are being over sensitive and reading into things that aren't there. So YABU

I hearya OP, my in laws are just like this
Feeling like you are on a supervised visit with your own kids when they are around is a great way to describe it!

I had a thread a few weeks ago when my PIL were visiting because they were driving me insane with this kind of shit.

You need to be polite but assertive with them and set firmer boundaries. For example, I had to tell MIL that I didn't want her to do our laundry. She looked shocked, asked why so I literally said to her as evenly as I could that I didn't like her handling my underwear. She did stop. We also had to "grey rock" them, repeating over and over "Please only do tasks that we have asked you to help with".

I would change your locks to physically reset your boundary too.

If it's any consolation, our kids are older now and they feel exactly the same about PIL as we do.

Take a break and create some distance. They see themselves as indispensable and needed. You need to stop spending quite so much time with them and show them you’re all perfectly capable.

They shouldn’t have keys to your house. They’ve destroyed the trust for that already. If you really can’t tell them you need the keys back, just change the locks and don’t say anything. They are overstepping even if they don’t realise it.