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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does this sound like a happy marriage?

208 replies

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:25

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

OP posts:
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laraitopbanana · 10/04/2025 07:39

cramptramp · 08/04/2025 14:29

Do you have babysitters so you can go for nights out together?

That!

JudithOx · 10/04/2025 02:29

This is very sad, especially for the children. Everything in this scenario is depressing. A child that spends two hours on the screen while the parents do the same? How about board games for all of you? Aren't you worried about your child becoming addicted to games or screens? You must introduce changes now, for the sake of the children, and both of you.

Honestly, you should be more worried about the kids than your marriage. You seem to have a 9-year-old who risks becoming addicted to screens or gaming, a toddler, and a teenager (your husband). Gaming for two hours? Not having dinner with you all, and then having pizza or a toastie by himself?
Gosh. There is a lot to change here, and you should have a serious discussion with him. Please look out for your children.

Laurmolonlabe · 09/04/2025 23:09

Well this wouldn't suit me- I am in a very long term relationship, but we do try to do things together, and we always endeavour to spend as much time together as possible. I would definitely look into trying to find an interest in common so you can spend more time together.

WhiteJasmin · 09/04/2025 23:01

There's several problems that I see here:

  1. Him not role modelling for his kids what is a good father figure, family is. The kids will accept this is what is "normal" when they seek out future relationships.
  2. He doesn't sound like he's helping much around the house.
  3. The gaming to unwind is an excuse. We all work but as a parent you don't get the luxury of coming home and having 2 hours to yourself with no kids. He's not even interacting with the toddler or his 9 year old. He sounds like he has a gaming addiction and should go to therapy and do a screen detox.

If you don't resolve this, it's not a healthy relationship for all involved.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 09/04/2025 21:44

Him gaming you reading/gymmimg I think is fine so long as you’re both happy. Him not eating with you and gaming every night while the kids are still up is rubbish parenting though and sounds like he’s not involved with the kids at all?

Snoken · 09/04/2025 21:43

Isthiswhatmenthink · 09/04/2025 21:28

This was very long.

Gaming is not healthy.

Agreed! And ignoring your wife and children in favour of gaming every night of the week is not healthy. It's an addiction at that point. If he wanted a life where he goes to work and spend all his free-time gaming then he had no business creating a family. I see that they spend a little time away from the TV too but I doubt OP or the kids feel that is where he wants to be. He wants to be in front of that TV.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 09/04/2025 21:28

FluffyChickenBehind · 08/04/2025 18:06

So, reading some of these comments, I'm going to try and be a bit more of a voice of reason here.

I am someone who enjoys gaming, as does my fiancé. I do understand that you don't and that's totally okay. But I do have experience with my fiancé gaming because he loves it, and we often end up playing different games from each other. Some people have said your husband is a 'loser' for gaming and frankly I think that's ridiculous.

Let me try and put context to this: My partner is also a programmer by day in a business that is currently expanding massively, so he has a whole lot of responsibilities that means he not only has to get up at 6am to get to work, he gets home sometimes as late as 6.30pm and during that time he is absolutely run off his feet putting out proverbial fires and having to do work that really tests his brain as he's making new apps/websites/networking etc. So when he comes back, he loves to cook, so he very kindly does this for us, and then if I don't jump in with 'let's play a board game' or 'let's watch a film' or some other activity, he will jump onto his favourite game and play it for the very few hours he has left in the evening just so he doesn't completely burn out. His favourite game is quite a passive brain-shut-off game, so it helps him relax and puts some order back into what usually are very chaotic and stressful days for him. If he doesn't game or actively take his mind off work, he ends up so stressed he often works late into the evening, sometimes I have even caught him up working later than 2am even when he has to get up in 4 hours. So I would much rather he does what he can to relax whilst work is as mad as it is for now!

Sometimes, there are days he simply cannot manage to do anything other than game even if I do suggest something, because there was something like a complete server meltdown where the company was being fined tens of thousands of pounds per minute the server was down and the CEO is freaking out all day, etc. etc. And I don't know exactly what your partner does but maybe some days are like that for him too. So don't let people make you jump to the conclusion that he's a loser or any other presumptuous things that have been said, because honestly that all sounds rather harsh. Your partner could be having an extremely tough time at work, and just not communicating that very well.

As a side note, I will ask if you, your DH or DC have ever been diagnosed with autism? It is really not something to be afraid of, as both I and my partner have the 'high functioning' kind, if you want to get into labels like that. I ask because a tendency to prefer gaming over other activities, as well as your partner's dislike of foods other than toasties and pizza does make me wonder if maybe there's something unaddressed here. It may be that your partner genuinely really struggles to eat what you feel is a healthy and balanced diet for you and your DC. This is something you could maybe look into and have a think about, though I wouldn't suggest immediately going out and confronting your partner about it as I have no idea if this is actually the case or not lol.

However, I will say, and this is my own presumption so feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are afraid to talk to him about how you feels and have reached out to us on the internet instead. That makes sense, because ultimately, you are asking us, 'does this sound happy', but you're asking us this because clearly this isn't what you wanted. So, there are a few things you can do from here.

First, you take the nuclear option and break up with this man immediately. I don't think, personally, you need to do that at this stage.

Secondly, you sit down and explain to him that you're really scared you're growing apart from each other. The way you do this is very important, you have to try and be as honest and open as you can, engaging with the fact you clearly care about your partner and their wellbeing, and also that you probably don't actually want to lose them. From here, if he's listening, you need to very carefully list the things that are bothering you and what would be happening in an ideal scenario for you. But when you do this, you have to be prepared he may need to say some things are also bothering him too about you. That could sting, but you've got to listen with as open mind as you can. If you both can't listen to each other and take on board what each other is saying at this point, it can mean you just shut down to each other which is not going to get either of you anywhere. You'll know if you've really reached him or not, I can guarantee that at least.

There are a few things that might go wrong here: Firstly, he (or you) emotionally totally shuts down and does not connect with you (or him) on any meaningful level. If this happens, he may not understand the gravity of what you're saying, OR he may understand it but be absolutely terrified about saying something wrong when he knows that could mean the end of the relationship. The best thing to do is to try again another time to have that conversation and see if he responds differently then, even though it might mean going into another room and screaming into a pillow in the meantime or whatnot. Secondly, it all gets incredibly emotional and you end up having a big fight. Not all is necessarily lost if that happens. Again, try again another time and try to remain cool and apologise in the mean time if needs be. 10 years is a long time, so there is obviously something that's keeping you together and I always say it's worth fighting for.

Thirdly, if you've tried a few times to talk and it just doesn't feel like it's working, couples therapy may be an option here. I would encourage you to be very picky here about your therapist and go to someone who specialises in 'attachment theory' (See 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson if you like to read). If you don't like the therapist when you meet them, pick someone else until you do. And if you find no one you like, don't bother with it. A bad therapist is not better than no therapist.

To give you some more context and maybe some hope, I recently had a very traumatic time of having to move all the way down the country and then back up again to stop my very disabled mother from dying because of neglect from my awful, abusive family, who then essentially forced us to move away again having got me and my partner to sort out all my mother's care in the mean time. It was extremely tough on us both for the year we were down there, and took another whole year after moving out again for us to get back into the swing of things now. During that time there were a lot of moments where we just simply were not connecting to each other and separate games/activities from each other. We were simply too exhausted to talk sometimes and silly things turned into big arguments (like buying a new washing machine lol). At points, we were barely even hugging each other anymore. I really did think we were going to split. But ultimately, I really didn't want to lose him, so after quite a few conversations (some angry, some upset, some a lot more calm), we started working out what needed to be done and make steps to fix it. In my case, it meant I finally put an end to being in any way financially or legally tied to my toxic family, and I also got personal therapy for some of the stuff I'd gone through with them all. He switched jobs from a place that was totally taking advantage of him financially and made a bigger effort to give me more physical affection when he gets back from work. We keep a close eye on his current job and I'm ready to step in now to support him if he needs to walk away from this place too. We also set aside Sunday evenings for us time now, and all of these things really helped.

The most important thing was we made it clear to each other how much we meant to each other, and how scary it was to think we might lose each other. He does still go and play games solo every so often like I say, but we nearly always sit and eat together, and we make time to do things like go out even just to the garden centre and get a coffee every so often, or recently we explored somewhere outside we'd never been to before which basically just cost our fuel and time. Even more recently, we've started sitting out in the garden and having tea together on the weekend mornings. Something I really like is every time he gets up to go to work he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me how much he loves me before he heads out. Like I say, it's taken time to get back into the swing of things, but I am really glad I took that time instead of giving up. I truly hope that is the same for you.

Good luck and best wishes whatever you ultimately end up doing :)

This was very long.

Gaming is not healthy.

Supersares · 09/04/2025 21:15

Hi OP

My DH is a gamer too and the one think I know is that serious gamers are addicted to gaming.

DH cannot go a whole day without gaming. I didn’t know about it until we lived together but boy do I know now. He’s a night owl so doesn’t mind playing late in the evening so that’s his time to do it.

I once asked him what he loves more, me or gaming and he hesitated before he said ‘you’ (may have done it jokingly, not sure though)

Is he playing violent game with the kids around?

I know where you’re coming from. Just ask if he can cut back abit so you can do things together..does he realise he’s even addicted?

lots of questions sorry!

Pessismistic · 09/04/2025 20:16

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:25

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

Only you can know if it’s a happy marriage but from the outside it sounds lonely and I get that phones etc take over but it’s usually because the other person is doing something themselves you distract yourself. I think the gaming can wait until he’s spent time with his older dc and you. was your dh ever involved with the kids at any point. He sounds like one himself if I’m being honest imagine how lonely your oldest feels up in his room the time will come when he prefers this but now you both should be spending time together with him. I feel sorry for you and dc even the younger one going to bed before dad gets home. He is definitely having his cake and eating it.

Laura95167 · 09/04/2025 20:07

Do you talk about your shared interests? Ask him about his game? Tell him about your gym session? Talk about plans/trips/date nights? If not maybe start and see?

Emonade · 09/04/2025 19:11

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:39

Our older child is 9 so between the toddler going to bed at 7 and him going to bed at 9 we’re all just sitting in the lounge, but ds will be on his Nintendo switch. Dh on his XBox and me on my phone or at the gym.

He’s setting an awful example to your son

theworldsacrazycrazymess · 09/04/2025 19:01

Livingbytheocean · 09/04/2025 18:46

You haven’t mentioned at all the impact of their choices on their own children, whom are entirely reliant on their parents to explore, discover, learn to communicate and socialise properly.
This is more important than an adult’s ‘happiness’.

Livingbytheocean.

I was answering the question does this sound like a happy marriage.

Yes, modeling good relationships to children is important but it's not the only way kids learn.

I grew up in a single parent household where there was no adult relationship to learn from, I've done alright.

I agree that adult happiness isn't everything, but that wasn't the original question.

CSectionUncertainty · 09/04/2025 19:00

OP in your shoes I would put my foot down and designate 2 nights a week as “family nights”. Make it the same nights each week so it’s a set habit. These nights are for you and DH to spend quality time with DS. On these nights there will be NO gaming or phones at all until DS is in bed at 9pm. You can take it in turns to pick an activity to do together, be it a board game, a card game, DS showing you something, reading stories or watching a kids’ film together (and no going on your phone for you or DH during the movie).

If DH can’t commit to even this then I’d not bother with him anymore and start making plans to leave as this is honestly the bare minimum needed to bond as a family and make your children feel loved and part of a family unit (every night in our house is “family night” while the kids are young so 2 nights a week should be very easily doable).

he is a gaming addict and needs to break free from the gaming spell before it’s too late for your son.

Livingbytheocean · 09/04/2025 18:46

theworldsacrazycrazymess · 09/04/2025 18:21

@nosywithabuttonnose
I think what really matters here are two things.

  • if you both happy. ( Ie are you posting because you're not happy and want confirmation that this situation isn't good. Or you are happy and someone else has told you their is something wrong with your relationship)
  • is their tension between the two of you.

Most nights in our house my husband and I watch TV and don't really talk because we're both worn out, but the weekend much more conversational and we'll often play a board game together in the evening.

Relationships are hard to guage because everyone is different and what works for you and your partner might sound terrible to another couple.

I think general contentedness and lack of tension in your marriage is a good gauge, rather than the mechanics of what is done by each person.

You haven’t mentioned at all the impact of their choices on their own children, whom are entirely reliant on their parents to explore, discover, learn to communicate and socialise properly.
This is more important than an adult’s ‘happiness’.

1AngelicFruitCake · 09/04/2025 18:42

I think what you’re describing is typical of a lot of families. Your oldest is only 9, what are they doing from leaving school and bed? What do you do with your children at the weekend?

Thestarsinthesky · 09/04/2025 18:38

can I be honest… I think it depends on what you’re both like and your personalities. I don’t get lots of time with DH as he works late and we have very busy weekends and social life’s but when we do we have so much to chat about and catch up on . But I wonder if that’s because we’re not on top of each other and both of us lead very busy lives so there’s a lot to chat about. Whereas I have friends who are similar to you both, where they are together every evening so don’t have lots to say. Weekends - do you have a big social and lots on? I find a lot of our chat comes from the shared stuff we do and our social circle and friends- family events etc that seems so take a lot of our time.

so I don’t think it’s an unhappy marriage at all- it just depends what’s normal for you both

Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 09/04/2025 18:29

What really matters is are you both happy with this arrangement? If you are then it’s fine, if not then things need to change.

DH Nd I don’t have loads of shared interests. We both like fitness but don’t do the same types of exercise so never do it together. He doesn’t like to waste much money on eating out and likes to buy stuff for his hobby. I eat out regularly with my friends or dds. We enjoy a dog walk or an afternoon in the garden with a bbq and drinks together and enjoy the same sort of holidays.

he often likes to talk more than me as he doesn’t talk very much at work where as I have the sort of job where I have to be super nice and communicative all day and am often quite peopled out at home. We do now socialise together with a couple of couples but this has only been in the last year or so. Before that he was really resistant to social active unless it was with his one close friend.

we rub along well and I’d say we’re happy together.

theworldsacrazycrazymess · 09/04/2025 18:21

@nosywithabuttonnose
I think what really matters here are two things.

  • if you both happy. ( Ie are you posting because you're not happy and want confirmation that this situation isn't good. Or you are happy and someone else has told you their is something wrong with your relationship)
  • is their tension between the two of you.

Most nights in our house my husband and I watch TV and don't really talk because we're both worn out, but the weekend much more conversational and we'll often play a board game together in the evening.

Relationships are hard to guage because everyone is different and what works for you and your partner might sound terrible to another couple.

I think general contentedness and lack of tension in your marriage is a good gauge, rather than the mechanics of what is done by each person.

NaiceEagle · 09/04/2025 18:19

Maybe make memories for the whole family by say, going to a pleasant park and talking to each other there. You both have responsibilities to relate to each other and the children instead of just using tech all the time when 'together.' You are to be role models to your children. It is so easy to become engrossed on the phone, gaming etc. Maybe cook or bake with the 9 year old, praise them too, not just share a house together.
With lighter evenings could you all go for a walk 'round the block' locally and chat. Let the children and each other see that you enjoy being with each other. You don't need to spend money going on dates necessarily. This will all give things to talk about. You could even enthuse to the children that you are going out. The older one can build with bricks with the younger child and dh encouraged to spend time WITH the children and you too. Chat to him about your concerns and that you too need to be less on the phone. Then not just accusing him. Talk about getting addicted to tech and how easy that is. I find the word 'Let's. . ' is less threatening.
All the best.

Mumof3confused · 09/04/2025 18:13

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:42

He doesn’t like proper food so I cook for myself and the children while he prefers a pizza or a toastie which he’ll get himself when he’s hungry which will be after 9 when he’s stopped gaming.

This also fills me with dread

Mumof3confused · 09/04/2025 18:12

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:39

Our older child is 9 so between the toddler going to bed at 7 and him going to bed at 9 we’re all just sitting in the lounge, but ds will be on his Nintendo switch. Dh on his XBox and me on my phone or at the gym.

This sounds truly dreadful

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2025 06:57

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:43

I do too, but he used gaming to unwind.

Unwind from what? It doesn’t sound like his job is that stressful?

and he doesn’t like “proper food”?

between that and the gaming he sounds like he’s 14.

SparklesGlitter · 09/04/2025 06:53

When you first got together what were your shared interests then? I don’t think it sounds unhappy. Perhaps try and get some date nights in. If things feel forced, find a couples game that will ignite conversation and a laugh. All relationships go through periods of being in a bit of a rut.
I’ll be honest, I was in a blissfully happy relationship 18 years ago which ended in tragedy. I liked watching friends and scrubs, he loved death metal so we spent our evenings in separate rooms. It was fine.

(apologies, I’ve not really scrolled through comments, this came up as I’m heading out to work)

stayathomer · 09/04/2025 04:48

Op while I commented upthread I’d guess this thread is hard to read, as someone commented nobody’s house is perfect and there’s a huge issue with screens that was probably played out instead on the tv in the 90s and 00s, the people saying they garden and chat and do x y and z before they all read before bed are probably more in the minority now, and is extreme, most people I know have some tv / gaming time and to be fair how many do you hear say as a couple they just watch Netflix?

it’s just the whole night gaming then bed every single night is extreme and is probably too numbing for all of you to continue long term.

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/04/2025 04:12

DH and I game, occasionally together.
However dinner has always been eaten at the table every night, and has been at every stage of children with zero screens. He almost always put DS to bed as he got home later than me. We do it as did the children in addition to other hobbies. DS football teams and air cadets and DD piano and drawing, DH and I sports and hiking. Gaming is fine just like any other hobby just as like any other hobby it doesn’t become all encompassing and too dominant. I have woken in the middle of the night as I’m a bit unwell so logged on to my console for an hour. Now I’m scrolling MN and watching tv. He is disengaged with the family so it’s a problem but actual gaming doesn’t have to be a problem, just like any other hobby.