I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

Why did you do this? It seems very strange to be a non-drinker and then drink a huge amount at a work event.

Talking about leaving your husband over getting drunk and having no memory of a couple of hours seems extreme. If your colleagues found you, they’d have had a pretty good read on whether you seemed distressed or dishevelled. You can make up all kinds of scenarios but in the absence of ever knowing, I’m going to bet something like my EA at the work Christmas party. She chatted a lot of shit to a few people at a completely different Christmas party, had a snooze in a corner, and then got scooped up and ushered through her hotel room door to sleep it off when a couple of colleagues found her in the lift just travelling up and down between the floors.

People get drunk sometimes. There’s nothing to be gained from beating yourself up with what ifs which are in all likelihood not at all what happened, you’ll drive yourself mad. You’ve taken from it that you aren’t going to get drunk again - that’s the important bit. Your children don’t “deserve better” (an otherwise happy family splitting up is better?) because you made a dumb judgement call on handling your wine.

@BeLemonTraybake I expect this is all down to anxiety from drinking too much which can take weeks to get over and that nothing happened. But you could get tested at a sexual health clinic without it being reported to your GP. You can also order free at home STD tests online to test for most things that wouldn't get back to your GP - https://www.sh.uk.

Are you sure your drink wasn't spiked? Having a complete blackout sounds like it could have been. I would go to the doctors and ask for a sexual health check-up and do a pregnancy test if you don't have contraception.

I'm surprised that you'd think "what if I had sex without knowing" rather than "I was sat in a corner pissed for an hour or two"

I can't be the only one who would be worried I'd gone off with another bloke rather than just been pissed and forgotten what I'd done (i.e. nothing noticeable) in my drunken state?

I think if you'd had sex or been assaulted in a condition that you cannot remember then I'm sure your friends would have noticed that your clothing, hair and general appearance would have indicated thus.

But you haven't done anything to him. You have a great relationship with him and he'd be heartbroken if you left him. Surely you wouldn't leave him in the same thing happened to him?

You really need to calm down!! This is not a big deal at all… please be kinder to yourself!

Let me be clear, the feelings you are experiencing ARE horrendous, but you are imposing them on yourself (unjustifiably)!

Do a test as others suggest simply to put your mind at ease - can do walk in, or order test online etc etc.

Even IF you did hook up with someone… you can’t remember it, so there’s nothing to tell…!

Or fallen asleep while sat on the loo.

Does part of you want to leave your husband?

Piles the night after drinking = you had terrible diarrhoea as a result of the alcohol and were sitting on the loo for ages. Possibly even fell asleep on it. It's the most logical explanation.

@BeLemonTraybake yes do all what you have suggested and then take it one step at a time as new information comes into play.

Don't do anything drastic.

You haven't done anything to your husband.

Definitely get std tests and seek professional help.

It's possible the excess alcohol has caused a chemical chain your brain that is behind all the anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

Do you take any medication that can be affected by alcohol?

Have a look a this video on intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them;

If you can't put it behind you in the next few days consider having some sort of counselling before you blow your life up for absolutely no good reason.

Did you have any bruising or aching or pain anywhere, apart from the piles?
When you woke, where you fully dressed?

As your concern seems to be that you made some bad choices in the missing two hours, if something you haven't ruined anything as you were not in a fit state to consent.

It’s horrible when you get black out drunk and have a black hole where your memories can be and it’s very usual for anxiety and ‘what if’ type thoughts to plague you afterwards. That said, I think it is unlikely that sex or any other worrying scenario occurred. Often when something out of the ordinary occurs flashes of memory do come back after time so the fact you can’t remember anything at all suggests that nothing unusual happened. If you’d had sex in that state there would likely be some physical signs, either you’d feel it or your friends would have found you with your clothes disheveled/ on wrong etc. in that state it’s unlikely you could dress or undress properly.

It seems most likely that you passed out/ fell asleep for a short while somewhere - perhaps on the toilet or sat on the floor which would explain the piles - and then woke up and made your way back to the party.

These are intrusive thoughts and you are catastrophising. I really feel for you op. You need professional mental health support.

I was horrendously wasted at a work do when I was 25. Either my drink was spike or it was the combination of different types of alcohol that did it (because I had only had a few drinks) but I lost a period of time I've never got back.

I categorically DID rule out sex though because I certainly didn't feel like I'd had sex. Surely you can rule it in or out on that basis alone?

Do you get them sometimes OP? TMI (and NC for this!) but mine are irritated by anal sex- but I would definitely feel it if I had had sex anally, it would be slightly uncomfortable and I'd be a bit anxious about farting if you get what I mean! Did you have any of that?
This sounds really awful and stressful, I hope you're okay. I say this with no judgement, but if you drink until you're in this state, even if it's only once every five years, it shows a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I'd go teetotal. Again, no judgement, binge drinking is frighteningly common and accepted socially.