I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

Then maybe you should have thought of that before you got pissed.

Or could have been, likely is you say somewhere spinning but what a mess.

It's very unlikely you were with someone op. You were at a work event, had clothes on. I'm sorry you're feeling so upset. If something out of the ordinary happened, you'd be more likely go have some memory of it.

But if you were so drunk you couldn’t consent are you suggesting you have been assaulted?

The most likely thing is that nothing happened and you spent the time on the loo, hence the piles.

Would suggest you get some treatment for your anxiety and (if necessary) your drinking. Drinking to excess won't be helping your anxious tendencies at all.

“What if” on repeat is classic intrusive thoughts, caused by OCD. Why you are fixated on that rather than (say) “what if I took drugs?” or “what if I stole some money out of an unattended jacket?” is something therapy could untangle, but it’s probably that you love your family and husband so much that your brain goes to the worst thing it can imagine. It actually makes it less, not more, likely to have happened. Like when mothers have intrusive thoughts of harming their baby and try to give their child to social services because they want to keep them safe.

Have you told your two friends who helped you get to bed about your fears? And do you trust them to be honest with you? In your position I would ask them to tell you honestly what kind of state you were in, I agree with pp that if you had had sex or been assaulted they would probably have has some kind of inkling of that at the time.

I honestly think the same as others, you just fell asleep on the loo. Everything is ok.

Well it doesn’t matter does it because you don’t remember?

You sound like you have OCD intrusive thoughts here.

You can’t remember what you did. So what? Why does it matter?

You’re massively overreacting to literally nothing here.

Well you won’t if you don’t drink 🤷‍♀️ Easy fix.

Why does it matter?

I'm not NOT trying to be unkind. I think you do know what happened.

Anyway, if I'm wrong, and you really don't... You spent an hour sat on the toilet. 100%.

Unless you are a person who likes to hook up with random people at parties etc (no judgement, I was one of them once upon a time), it is vanishingly unlikely that you would have willingly gone off and had sex with someone when drunk. If you were assaulted that would be a different story, and you would not be to blame however drunk you were.

However, the fact that you are thinking about these scenarios if you do not have a history of, shall we say, partying hard, is very odd and I wonder whether something else is going on. Either you do in fact remember something, or your unrelated fears about your relationship are surfacing? I and millions of other people have had drunken blackouts and mised time at events and parties, and would not immediately go to "did I have sex" the next day, rather than "oh God was i loud and embarrassing?" or "did I overshare?" for example.

I really think you should try and access some support for your anxiety. You’re being really cruel to yourself.

If anything happened, which seems vanishingly unlikely, you couldn’t have consented and you are not to blame.

In reality it sounds like you are experiencing some kind of reaction to previous trauma which is leading to intrusive thoughts.

I had a terrible upbringing and it took a long time for me to feel worthy of the lovely life I created with my husband.

Please so try and access some further support. Speak with your DH about these feelings of not being deserving and I’m sure he’ll support too. My DH had no idea what my brain was playing out to me on a frequent basis.

That's what intrusive thoughts do, they seem like genuine thoughts and go round on a loop.

well thinking prosaically, if there were no signs that you had sex....disturbed underwear and so on....then I think you can rule that one out. If you were so drunk that you can't remember whether you did or not, then you were in no condition to clean your self up and rearrange your clothing and I doubt that anyone taking advantage of your state would manage to do it either.

Sounds to me like you suffer from Anxiety and alcohol has made it worse and formed some sort of OCD behaviour about 'what if I did this' situation. have you felt like this before?
Anxiety for me results in OCD, this is not uncommon.
There is a thread on here (under chat) and people talking about OCD has made them believe to be true, but aren't. Might be worth a read.

You didn't do anything totally out of character because you were still the same person, it's just that the alcohol level reached meant your brain stopped creating memories. Blacking out is not passing out. You were still walking and talking as normal albeit drunkenly. I've had blackouts and people who were with me said I was the same. Walked home with them etc. But yes, it's a horrible feeling and it made me give up alcohol completely out of utter fear and terror of what I might have done. Which was a very good thing as it made me evaluate why I drink.

Keep calm, keep rehydrating over the next few days, take pain killers and alka seltzer or rehydration salts. Practice deep belly breathing. Yoga or go for a run or a swim to get your endorphins going. Write down all your worse fears.

This will pass. Each day you will feel a bit better.

Regardless of what happened you can't change anything. You can either view this as a huge mistake & a lesson in life, or ruin the time you have left as a family through guilt and worry. Your husband has forgiven you so for the sake of your family please forgive yourself. We are only human and we all make mistakes. Stop beating yourself up and start appreciating the good in you.

Did you have any stickiness, discharge, sex type smell on you to indicate you had sex? If not then it’s more likely you just zonked out on a sofa or chair or toilet somewhere. If someone’s boundaries were so lax they’d have sex with you when you’re blind drunk they probably wouldn’t have even thought about cleaning you up afterwards.