I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

You’ve just had a drunk “blackout” - I’ve had them a couple of times and it really scared me as I literally remember nothing - although friends have reported that I was either chatting away to random people or I was sat quietly not saying anything.

In all likelihood you’ve gone to the loo and fallen asleep in a cubicle, been chatting shit to random strangers or gone off and sat on your own for a bit. There is no reason that in your drunken state you would have gone off and shagged someone - unless you were subconsciously wanting to do that (which by the sounds of it that was far from your mind).

I think you are building this up in your mind into something that it isn’t - give yourself a break, you just had too much to drink.

Also edited to say I put YANBU- meaning YANBU to feel anxious, however it is highly unlikely you have done anything sinister.

I have ADHD and anxiety. I take a high dose of Sertraline and Lamotrigine, and carry Propranolol around in my bag fgs! I'm also a victim of SA. Am I not allowed to share my experience and opinion?

I'm not invalidating her feelings, I have anxiety and Adhd and a somewhat complicated history with sex. Am I not allowed to share my thoughts and experiences without someone jumping down my throat? I would be reassured knowing it happens to other people and that there's probably nothing to worry about.

Sorry Op, it sounds like you would be better to give up drinking at work events. It sounds as though you will. Has anything been mentioned at work. If not you might have got away this time. Next time might be a different story so please don't drink so much that you are not aware of your own actions let alone anyone else's.

STD tests are confidential. If you are concerned you can say you don't currently have a GP or something.

OP, that happened to me once when I was young, never again. I blamed myself for years and years, it's only in recent times that I have seen I was taken advantage of.

In my case, no STD or problems.

Good luck - and in your case nothing may have happened. Don't dwell on it but make sure you don't drink again. I don't have to tell you that.

Are you sure you were not spiked?
I think it sounds unlikely you have lost all memories from just drinking. I know some people do, but if you are someone that doesn’t blank out usually. This would set off serious alarm bells for me op. It can happen in any environment. Sadly we are seeing an epidemic of cases such as this. Don’t assume or rule it out,

Did you do some intimate checks? Have you noticed anything that feels different? Was all your underwear in tact and in the same position?

I would also ask the venue for camera footage and see if you can see what happened.

I feel for you OP. This happened to me once on holiday. I used to drink lots in my youth and could handle my alcohol fairly well, I also ALWAYS remembered everything that happened until this one night. I remember being in a bar, outside a bar and in a guys hotel room but I couldn’t tell you how I got to each place. I don’t know if we had sex but it was possible. I ended up taking the morning after pill just in case and then tested when I got home. All was fine but it is a horrible feeling. There’s nothing you can do about it now (apart from getting an STI check) just learn from it and ensure if doesn’t happen again!

** spiralling

OP. You were vulnerable and your sprinkling because you feel guilty that you made yourself vulnerable.

you need to speak to someone and try to forgive yourself for that. As most posters have said, you most likely sat on the loo asleep for a long time (hence the piles). You are a good person and deserve the life you have. This has given space for your worst fears about yourself to surface. Work on some positive self talk, kindness and speak to someone who clan help you work through these feelings.

I have anxiety. I know what it's like. I reported myself to the police when I was convinced I'd pranged a car in a car-park whilst reversing at 1 mile per year. The fact I hit the brake was neither here nor there. I was convinced (hours later) that I must have hit it and I was going to be charged with leaving the scene of an accident. I wasn't.

If you were raped it's unlikely he would have used a condom, thus there would have been evidence. There wasn't. It's unlikely you wouldn't have felt something the next morning. You didn't.

Your anxiety is more likely to damage your relationship. Are you getting counselling? If not, do so. If so, you need to discuss this with them.

You probably didn't do anything OP. Might have been in the toilets throwing up!
I had a few nights out where I couldn't remember all the details from getting too drunk and decided enough was enough and now i rarely ever drink. I was scared I'd jeopardise my job saying something I shouldn't to the wrong person!

@BeLemonTraybake You ask "what if I do this again" but why would you? Surely you've learnt your lesson? You're not the first woman to get seriously drunk and you won't be the last, but fortunately you've lived to tell the tale and it's only your over-active imagination that's causing you to believe anything untoward happened to you whilst drunk, particularly given that you say there's no physical evidence that you had sex whilst incapacitated.
You have a family and DH who you say you love and who clearly love you, so why would you even consider leaving them? Don't you think they'd be devastated if you left? (I'm sorry, but the "they deserve better" is self-indulgent nonsense - stop being a martyr and get on with living your good life with them, which you say you value after everything you've been through previously).
If your level of anxiety is so great that it's causing you to catastrophise to this extent then you need to seek counselling to address your awful previous life experiences. You owe this to yourself and to your lovely family. Best of luck moving forward.

I think that depends. A wife prone to being very anxious and dramatic, but that the husband believes is unlikely to cheat? Then the reaction seems perfectly plausible to me.

I used to end up in a toilet sleeping for hours

OP I have been in a similar situation, it was over 15 years ago and I still think about it sometimes.

I was out with friends and got far too drunk, I woke up in bed the next morning and had no idea how I got home, there was an empty bottle of wine and two glasses on the table, CDs everywhere, my front door was unlocked and I had text messages from a man called “Geoff” saying he hoped I wasn’t too hungover.

My friends said I had just disappeared from the nightclub we were in, apparently I’d been drunk when they last saw me but they didn’t think I was incapable of looking after myself, I’d no idea how or when I got home. I also lost my keys so that added to the beer fear as I’d obviously gone home with someone.

I did manage to contact Geoff who told me that he’d got me a taxi home, drank some wine then I’d gone and got into bed. He said he stayed the night sleeping on the bed covers next to me. Apparently this was because he couldn’t get a taxi to his house that late (small town) and to check I wasn’t sick as I’d apparently been sick previously, he’d then walked 3 miles home to get ready for work in the afternoon.

I woke up fully dressed in the same clothes I’d been out in, there was no evidence whatsoever that I’d had sex and Geoff seemed a genuinely nice man who had wanted to get me home safely and then make sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit! There didn’t appear to be anything sinister but there COULD have been and not knowing or remembering meant I’d never know what actually happened and that terrified me.

I was like you, I went through different scenarios and felt like my brain was blocking something from me or I worried over and over about what could have happened, I understand how easy it is to keep focusing on it because you desperately want answers. I was also fretting about my missing keys, I wondered if Geoff had taken them to start with but it turned out I didn’t have them when I’d got home and had to get my neighbour to let me in with my spare set he had. When I later asked my neighbour how I seemed he just said “pissed, loud and annoying”.

I was a bit wild when I was younger but that night changed everything for me, I didn’t stop drinking altogether but that was the last time I ever put myself in a risky situation. I was single but if it had happened whilst I was married I’d have felt a lot worse.

I agree with the majority of people who think you fell asleep on the toilet. As a pp said the loss of memory is because your brain stops making memories due to alcohol, you would have still been you and if you would never cheat sober then it’s unlikely you did on this occasion, piles are likely from sitting on a toilet seat for hours!

It sounds like you are happy and settled in life but haven’t always had it easy, you have a lot to lose that you value so that’s why you are fixating on worst case scenarios, there is nothing to suggest that you’ve had sex or been sexually assaulted, there would be evidence from both, I’m sure your work mates would have picked up on it too.
It’s either this or you do know deep down but don’t want to face up to it, I think if that’s the case you aren’t disclosing everything because there is nothing in your OP to really suggest anything untoward happened. If that’s the case then you can choose to be honest and face up to it or you can just put that night behind you as a lesson, we all fuck up and I doubt you’ll ever be in this situation again.

Take a pregnancy test and have STI tests if you think they will put your mind at rest, please try to move on afterwards. You drank too much, that’s something that many many people have done before at least once in their life, would you judge them the way you are judging yourself right now? If someone else had posted similar would you think they deserved to leave their husband or would you be sympathetic and assume they just drank too much and likely ended up having a little snooze somewhere?

Please don’t let this keep haunting you, you can’t change anything now and you need to make peace with that, it will take time but eventually you’ll stop thinking about it and worrying and feeling that sense of panic, in a few months hopefully it’ll be just a vague sense of curiosity. I do occasionally still think about “the night of Geoff” as I think of it but it’s more of wondering where the door keys could have ended up or whatever happened to Geoff!

@rosemarble people can rtft or all of OP's posts, there's not many of them, it's not hard. People with mental health problems can post anywhere they like and I think your reply is disingenous. You know OP isn't saying people need to share her experience to respond. Those people are implying that because OP's brain went there, her feelings are likely to be true, which is not necessarily the case.

Maybe that just isn't a particularly triggering thought for you or something you worry about. OP has a slightly complicated history with sex if you RTFT. You seem to be implying that the fact this has occured to her means that's a likely scenario but for OP I don't think that's true necessarily.

OP I really, really think this is just anxiety and The Fear. You're worrying over what you're most frightened of losing. Alcohol is a depressant. I have anxiety and bad social anxiety and the level to which reality can become distorted in my head after a night of drinking is shocking (don't really drink now.) You don't do this often and I think you're underestimating the powerful physical and mental effects it can have. I know it's possible that you're right and the tests seem sensible but there's a strong chance all of this is just worry and the horrors of the morning after.

You might be better moving this to the MH board OP.

People are going to respond in AIBU with the information they are given.
You did not initially say you suffered from anxiety (you said some way back that you have been treated for anxiety, I'm not sure if that means you have a current diagnosis). And clearly the traumatic events of your childhood have had an impact.
People can only respond the best they can. If you don't want comments from people who have not had the same life as you then you either need to give more detail about your own past and/or you need to say "only people with anxiety need reply"

LOL, this never happened to me. When I am with people like colleagues and others who are not personal friends I never feel comfortable socialising. So I have a glass , then get annoyed with the idea why I am there with strangers with whom I have no common theme for conversation and apparently I storm out the door and leave. I made people both love me and laugh their heart out and hate for leaving them

This has happened to me before and I didn't for one second think I'd had sex with someone, voluntary or not.

It isn't remotely uncommon.

I think you’re getting some really good advice from people who have experienced similar anxiety and blackouts.

You do have someone to talk to IRL as you said you spoke to your husband……