I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

Why have you come back with a different account? Were you kicked off?

I do think you were either quietly asleep on the loo, or you stopped off and bored another table to tears or joined the smokers outside and bored them to tears. Have done alll those things in the dim past when I was drunk and thus thought I was a fascinating raconteur.

Is it possible you may have the piles from being sick and violently vomiting whilst you were away from your friends?

I hope you’re okay OP?

If you do decide to go to a sexual health clinic you can opt for your GP not to receive any information about your visit or the results. Personally I think you should go - not because I think anything happened but because I think it is the only thing that will put your mind at rest. Don’t beat yourself up, we all do daft things at times x

Are there wider problems in your relationship? Have you had issues with infidelity previously? I’ve had my fair share of drunken brown outs, particularly in my younger party girl phase: not once has it ever occurred to me to even think I must have gone off and had sex with a stranger in them. Your fixation that this must have happened over any of the many infinitely more likely and plausible scenarios implies something more going on here. Why do you think you’re so much more likely to have had random sex than to have, say, snoozed in a chair, chatted shit you don’t remember to people you don’t remember, or embarrassed yourself a bit in front of your boss? The usual stuff people worry about when they drink a bit too much at a work event.

I honestly think you would remember if it something along those lines and it’s just your mind playing tricks. Have you asked for CCTV footage?

Do you worry about other stuff in every day life? Wondering if this could be generalised anxiety or ocd. If so a therapist would be able to recognise this. Just take a deep breath I think you’re brains maybe just said I’ve had enough for now and you can’t control you’re worrying. You will be ok and you will feel better again even if it feels like you won’t right now x

I’m sorry to keep posting.

What if the thoughts I’m having are actually flash backs?

@Ineedanotherholidaynow thank you for being so kind to me.

I know it’s hard but try and get out and around other people - it will make you feel better and try and get back to a bit of normality. Speak to yourself as if you were a friend. Don’t self loath, say no to yourself to stop the thoughts in their tracks

Thank you @Ineedanotherholidaynow. I’m currently in the bathroom. Trying to shut myself off from everyone. I can only hope things will get better, as I just feel like I’ve snowballed so far with this. I still have no real answers but the story my mind has (hopefully) created has just got stronger and the self loathing is just getting worse. I try to put it out of my mind, which works very briefly, until I get a huge wave of panic that comes over me as the thoughts return.

I promise you it does get better. I know it seems impossible right now and like you’ve ruined your life, everything, but it will be okay. Talk to your therapist, she will help explain why you feel the way you do. A lot of it is anxiety and all in the mind. But it will get better I promise just stick with it

@madaboutpurple - I know you’re right.

To be brutal with you if you stopped drinking you would not be facing this situation. Maybe get help as well as seeing a therapist.

What is wrong with me? I’m frightened by the mess I’ve created. I’m afraid that this is all going to come back on me whether I try to move on or not. I feel like I just need to live on some desert island somewhere where I can’t cause problems for those I love.

Thank you. I have now booked an appointment with a therapist. I don’t want to tell my husband that but I also feel like I’m being deceitful. The appointment isn’t for another 2 weeks.

You need to stop spiralling. I know it’s hard but you’ve got to try and get yourself into the right mindset. You’ve most likely just been chatting away, just because you can’t remember it doesn’t mean you will have done something completely out of character. You are still you, even when blacked out. I wouldn’t keep saying things to your husband, just focus on getting your mind right

Thank you. Hate that I’ve caused all this drama for myself.

This is the latest scenario your mind has created, this new faceless person in a hotel room. You do need therapy. Imagining newer and progressively worse scenarios and seeking reassurance from yourself or others post alcohol blackout is not unusual. The reassurances become counterproductive in feeding the cycle. Get help to tackle this for the sake of all of you.

It is the beer fear too. There is no evidence of an assault so hopefully it is fear only.

I am not a regular drinker either, I attended an early occasion recently started a glass wine, drank a further 7.

I have huge memory gaps but flashbacks, anyone could have sidelined me.

DH was at home, thankfully I was with family but it has put me off drinking again.
Next time I'll count 3 and stop drinking.

It made me realise that although I was walking and talking, I was completely gone.

Get therapy and sort your anxiety out for the sake of your child, this is not healthy 😑

It’s almost like you’re trying to sabotage your marriage.
If he knows of your anxiety (is that a current diagnosis?) and OCD (others have suggested it’s this but you haven’t actually said you have it so I’m not sure) and will rationally put it down to that, and you will believe what he says, then of course you should tell him.

But if you’re going to dismiss his support and push and push then I don’t see the benefit.

I think you need to get some therapy first. Sort your own head out, work on the anxiety which is causing you to catastrophise and think you need to tell your husband about something that in all probability didn’t happen and wanting to end your marriage to punish yourself.

Your husband currently believes you and trusts you. At worst, all this focusing on and telling your husband how you think you must have been with another man is potentially going to convince him that you were, that you were fully aware of it, and that you’re making sure if there were any witnesses who might tell, you have this little story going first to explain it away.