Is companiable silence ok, or the death of a marriage?

God, that sounds like absolute bliss!

Just depends on whether or not you mind it. If you feel disconnected from him, then you need to say so. If you’re just second guessing yourself and your relationship, wondering if it’s “normal”, then try not to. If both parties are happy then who cares? If you aren’t, speak up and change it.

Reading with a drink sounds lovely to me. As long as you do still have things to talk about and you are both still willing to make an effort to maintain the relationship I think you are all good. The transition from being primarily parents, back to just being a couple is scary though.

Sometimes on holiday - when you've spent a lot of time together, you are basically just out for tea. You need to get fed so you eat and you might not say much or read your phone or whatever.

I think you can tell when it's a companionable silence and when people literally have nothing to say to each other!

I remember we were out once talking a lot and another couple lent over and said - you two clearly haven't been married long! We'd been together 15 years of something at that stage.

One of the things my DP and I always say we enjoy about our relationship is that we're comfortable with being silent together!

We're both introverted people who like our own space. Despite that, in social situations and at work we can't bear a painful silence and will often be the ones who say something to fill it, which gets draining after a while. So when we're together, we both enjoy the fact that we don't feel awkward if there's no conversation. We talk a lot - in fact, I'd say that we both generally have plenty to say for ourselves - but we are very happy with a long silence. We've often done long car journeys where we've barely spoken, and have greatly enjoyed it. And on holiday we'll sometimes sit and have a drink together, both of us reading or scrolling on phones or playing a game rather than chatting the whole time. But it's a happy silence, not a grim one.

Yes you can totally tell when it's an awful, stony silence. I, too, have vowed to myself never to be in that kind of situation.

And tbf I must say I don't really mean literally no words said to each other over a meal out! We do still talk an awful lot to each other at home (and DH can really talk when he gets going 😁), so when we do go out - maybe once a year, these days - we often just discuss the food and what we think of it, or comment on drinks pairings and so on, here and there throughout the meal. People observing us might wrongly think, oh how sad they have nothing of substance to talk about, but that wouldn't be correct.

That should read, 'or for a meal'.

I wouldn't sit in the pub or for a new with my husband and not talk-we might as well have not bothered. Quite happy to sit in 'companionable silence' at home though.

I remember about 20 years ago when DH and I were child-free and spent our Friday nights having bar meals at a range of country pubs, that one night there was a couple in stony silence across the pub that barely spoke to each other the whole evening. It looked really awkward and not companionable at all. I resolved that I did not want to end up in a relationship like that in a few decades time.

It's not the quiet that's the problem, its the comfort in each other's company (or lack of)

We're at the older end of parenting now and are taking advantage that we can do things as a couple again after 10+ years, and that will be good for us when the nest empties in future years.

Smart phones mean the awkward older, stony-silence couples have become rarer as they can now look at their phones rather than studiously ignoring eachother uncomfortably

A lot of things feed into it. There are plenty of people who might say, separate lives, oh how sad, that must be awful, I like constant connection and engagement, how can you possibly exist that way etc etc etc, whereas you might say, no, this works really well for us and this way we each lead rich lives but more importantly when we're together we always have something to say.

Maybe it is. I was with my ex for 23 years and we never had silent dinners or went out for a drink and didn't chat the whole time. At home we would obviously not chat all the time but if we were both sitting at the dinner table then we would. It's just how I was raised so I'm like that with everyone. We had quite separate lives though so when we did spend time together we had plenty to talk about that would be new information for the other person. Maybe that matters too.

We talk a lot, DH can talk the hind leg off a donkey when he's feeling like it - I'm the quiet one. To be honest though I sometimes wonder what we would talk about if we didn't have a dog. She's the topic of about 60% (75%?) of our conversations.

It's perfectly possible to sit in comfortable silence with a great deal of depth, love and affection. Especially in public whilst eating.

Stony silence is a totally different thing. And of course it matters a great deal if one party feels unseen, unappreciated and unloved.

I used to think it was terribly boring pre-phones but now I guess it doesn't matter so much. We are still in the middle of parenting primary aged kids so don't get much time to ourselves but I can see how we would totally spend hours on our phones without talking to each other. Is it good, not sure as I do think that Dh are running out of things to say to each other, but it's certainly doable.

That is a lot to ask if you've lived together for decades, but I do see your point. I wonder if we lived with our friends we would have the same issues or if the chat would keep flowing?

I hope not. We’ve always had companionable silence; and we’ve been together 22 years.

the idea of someone chatting constantly would drive me up the wall

When I'm out and I see a couple sitting in silence eating their dinner I have always assumed they either have a completely dead relationship or they have had an argument. I have always felt a bit sorry for them. It's a completely new thought for me to see that there are in fact couples who do decide to go out to the pub or a restaurant and be completely fine with sitting there in silence. I was raised to sit at the dinner table and converse to make it more enjoyable for everyone.

I think companiable silence is great, but I'd be worried if we didn't have something to talk about. You can't always be talking, but if it you never have a good chat then yes I think there is a deeper issue. You thinking of things to talk about is all fine and good, but do you get anything back when you do that? I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to converse with me at all beyond the practical.

I'm similar to you OP

My DH will talk if there's something to discuss but doesn't tend to chat a lot otherwise

I'd like to be a bit more chatty but companionable silence isn't such a bad thing

It is only not OK if you are being blocked - if he is being silent only when you are trying to sort out an issue or have raised a question. That is manipulative behaviour and can get abusive when it goes into silent treatment territory.

If you're both just sitting reading or watching TV together that's fine. If you are bored you could plan the odd weekend away or trip to the theatre?

Depends on if it's a problem for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with a marriage like that, if you're both happy.

My husband and I don't have a ton of common subjects to talk about. We don't often sit in companionable silence though, we just talk complete nonsense/shit to each other. It's fun and lighthearted.

Our serious conversations are usually in bed together at the end of the day.

Yes, exactly — the key question is whether you enjoy his company? Personally, I’d be terribly bored, but everyone’s different.

And to add my own perspective: I'm very happy with companionable silences, although DH and I do still talk a lot about many different things. A good balance is nice.

DH isn't very sociable anymore. He's happy to see family and a few close friends at hom but he doesn't like more than that and going out is just not his thing. I'm okay with that. If I need more I go out and about under my own steam.

I often wish DH would shut up!
He has no internal thought process and can fixate on one subject (probably ND) and hates silence BUT I can tune out now and we have reached compromise where we can interact at a level both of us are happy with. If he trips over into monologue we have a safe word