Met Step Son for the first time!

I would slow way down here. In pragmatic terms, you have a strange teen, soon a young adult, who is joining your family. He is on his best behaviour now and seems lovely. So do most people on short term acquaintance. Who he really is will be revealed in time, and while he will always be part of your family, you may need to implement boundaries and rules that would be easier if it hasn't been a free for all from the start. Similarly, when the first rush of emotion wears off, you will all have to negotiate new relationships, and you all might find this very difficult. Bearing this in mind and that he doesn't and won't have the relation with his father that he would have had if he had known him from birth, I would be wary about giving away a lot of money or buying things. You don't want to end up being regarding as a cash machine and supporting another adult's lifestyle. Definitely build up a relationship, and hopefully one that will last for the rest of your lives, but relationships built on guilt are rarely healthy ones, so take the time needed here to lay a good foundation.

This is so lovely, you sound like you are all handling it brilliantly.

This has warmed my stone cold heart

I’m tearing up a bit reading this thread.

You are lovely people. 💐

What does your son think of it all, I'd very careful with his feelings about suddenly not being the eldest/only son. Even if he is doing and saying all the right things at the moment.

You your son and your DH sound fab
So take it slow and easy

remember you have a lifetime to get to know each other

you have done a great job with your son I’m sure you will do equally as well with your step son

ah bless him. Maybe you could get him a card which says welcome to the family - it will be meaningful for him and something he can keep. How as your son together reacted to this - big change for him too.

His mum gave him a list of who the father's might be, then said she wanted no contact.
Sounds wonderful.

Take it slow, take it easy. Build the relationship and spend time together. Get to know him and assimilate him into the family.

Sure, you can buy him some trainers and a few things, if he plans to stay over you can buy him some stuff to keep at yours etc. , but all this is too much too soon and it can backfire in various ways and really mess with his head .

Your husband can start a savings account for him and put a lot of money in there for him to have later , if he wants to make up for it. He can make plans about supporting him at Uni/ college. What he can’t do and it would be entirely counterproductive is try and make up for 17 years (especially financially) in a matter of months. It won’t do anyone any good.

This is the loveliest post to read 🥰 It sounds like you’re doing everything right and I think it’s ok to spend money on meeting his basic needs if it goes alongside the emotional warmth and support you’re providing.

The provisional license might be nice if your husband is able to take him out and teach him to some extent. It could be a nice bonding thing and way to get to know each other, giving them a common activity.

Obvs look after your own son, you will ask him for his opinions on things a little more than usual. You can dress it up as asking for his advice. Is SS up on music or games as your D boy is?

We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

You're presumably not going to do that without (a) checking with his mum first and (b) planning to pay for driving lessons?

I think you sound like you are doing everything right. No, you don’t need to go in all guns blazing on showering him with gifts but if he has basic needs that aren’t being met - clothed, fed, shoes etc then it’s right that these be provided. It sounds like the first meeting has gone really well, be prepared that the relationship may be up and down as you all find your way, and good luck! How exciting. Someone else to love.

Concentrate on building a relationship and getting to know each other by spending quality time together. Showering him with gifts, while initially may be a wonderful novelty to him, isn’t what you should be focussing on here.

Also, buying him loads of stuff and funding passports/drivers license could cause ill-feeling with your DS and Step-son’s DM. The latter may feel pushed out and like she is a poor provider for her DS because you think his clothing isn’t good enough etc.

It sounds like he is being welcomed into a lovely new family for him which is amazing that you are so open-hearted, but just slow down or he could end up feeling smothered and ‘bought’ after the novelty has worn off.

Love this, kudos to you both for the way you've handled things

I’d dial way down on the buying stuff. Along with wanting to get him a passport and a provisional licence it risks sounding a bit King Cophetua and the Beggarmaid. I do get your DH’s feeling that there’s a lot of time to make up for, but I think better all round to keep things low-key while you’re building up a relationship. And I’d try to protect your son, too — the initial fizz of new brotherhood may not last.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to wish you all the best - what a lovely post to read!

From recently reading threads about stepmums resenting the kids, it's so refreshing to read your post, it actually brought a lump to my throat.
I wish you all the best of luck in your journey x

aww this is so lovely. It doesn’t sound like he is after material things, just grateful to have a family. I think you guys are really noble and I wish you all the best!