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Original poster

Met Step Son for the first time!

187 replies

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:02

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

OP posts:
viques · 08/04/2025 10:58

I would hold back on the driving licence/ passport thing. There are other ways to get him ID if that is what they are for. A driving licence and passport indicate other things like driving lessons and holidays, it doesn’t sound as though his mum is in a position to provide those and unless you are willing to fund them I wouldn’t raise them as a possibility.

As others have said concentrate on building a relationship. A similar thing happened to friends of mine, he had a short lived fling at university and didn’t realise a child was the result until twenty plus plus years later. They had no other children, and it all worked out surprisingly well, a ready made set of grandchildren came with the unexpected adult /child. I think the difference was the offspring ( seems silly to call them a child) was a confident adult with their own established strong relationship and a successful professional career , so they could concentrated on building their own emotional relationship.

primroseandsunshine · 08/04/2025 10:58

Omg I’m fucking crying 😭
you sound amazing OP

this boy now has a bigger family and more people to love him

your doing everything right going at both the boys paces

Antiperspirant · 08/04/2025 10:58

Oh this just made me cry! I’m the stepson in this scenario except I was a lot older when I got in contact with my father and whilst he and my stepmom are very nice, they’re not as welcoming as you guys have been. I’ve never even been invited to their house for example.

For what it’s worth, I think the clothes, passport, driving gifts etc are a fab idea! I didn’t have the materially richest life either (still don’t drive) and I would have loved for help with clothes/gifts for me and/or my kids.

A sentimental gift like a card, or a keepsake would be amazing too. Just realised looking around my flat that I don’t have anything from my father at all. The one ornament that he brought back from a holiday broke.

Anyway, good luck to you all. I imagine once the feelings settle in there may be some anger from stepson about the whole situation, as in the unfairness of it all so do expect that.

Hwi · 08/04/2025 10:56

This ss can turn out a blessing or a nightmare, depending on what sort of soul he has. You sound lovely.

lifeonmars100 · 08/04/2025 10:54

You sound lovely and so open to welcoming this young man into your lives and family. I brought my child up on my own and was horribly skint for some of the time and it ate me up inside thinking of all the things and experiences I simply could not afford. I felt guilt and shame and inadequate as a mum even though I always put them first. With this in mind I would hold back from getting your SS lots of material things and focus on you all getting to know each other. Wishing you all much happiness together.

midlifeattheoasis · 08/04/2025 10:54

This is lovely. It has also made me feel emotional. I'm so happy for your SS and I wish you all the best of luck

Waterincrease · 08/04/2025 10:53

Be careful not to ruin/damage him by start giving him lots of money/stuff, if he knew not money before this will be worse. Support with love, basic needs, education, etc.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:53

cestlaviecherie · 08/04/2025 10:51

You all sound so lovely.

How about planning a bunch of exciting things you can do together over Easter and summer so it fulfils DH's need to give him things without it being all about materialistic "stuff" and ensures everyone has a good time together and makes some memories to make up for lost time? It's an easy way to bond without it being awkward or pressured if there's a theme park or funfair or chocolate making class or concert involved.

Edited

We asked if he would like to do something on Sat after we have been shopping. He asked that he come back to the house as he has been so emotional he just wants to chill and talk x But yes- I am very of the mindset once he looks decent (his one pair of trainers have a hole in which is why we are doing shopping) we will do days out etc of things he's missed. For example he's never been to a theme park so I think thats first on the list!

OP posts:
Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:51

Snoken · 08/04/2025 10:46

I get that your DH is excited but I would also slow down on the gift buying. It could result in his newfound son feeling in some way indebted to you all. I think the emotional side of it need to settle first and you all need to get to know each other in a normal day to day fashion and then then decide what type of relationship you will have going forward. He can absolutely buy him a pair of trainers but paying for his drivers licence after the first meeting is a bit OTT.

It is more so the young man has no form of ID. Can't open his own bank account or anything of the sort x

OP posts:
cestlaviecherie · 08/04/2025 10:51

You all sound so lovely.

How about planning a bunch of exciting things you can do together over Easter and summer so it fulfils DH's need to give him things without it being all about materialistic "stuff" and ensures everyone has a good time together and makes some memories to make up for lost time? It's an easy way to bond without it being awkward or pressured if there's a theme park or funfair or chocolate making class or concert involved.

FigTreeInEurope · 08/04/2025 10:50

You sound very appropriate, careful and lovely OP. I'd say trust your own judgement and carry on as you have been.

ASongbirdAndAnOldHat · 08/04/2025 10:50

He is a teenager, that has obviously had a rough time and crap clothes of course he wants gifts.

Yes time as well, but gifts in the short time will be very welcome

RedHelenB · 08/04/2025 10:49

That's lovely, just a shame he wasn't told about him 17 years ago..

Snoken · 08/04/2025 10:46

I get that your DH is excited but I would also slow down on the gift buying. It could result in his newfound son feeling in some way indebted to you all. I think the emotional side of it need to settle first and you all need to get to know each other in a normal day to day fashion and then then decide what type of relationship you will have going forward. He can absolutely buy him a pair of trainers but paying for his drivers licence after the first meeting is a bit OTT.

Staceysmum2025 · 08/04/2025 10:45

Actually, I think your husband is right and that he does have a lot of years of child support to make up and if the child is in ill fitting clothing and worn out trainers that’s not quite the same as “what you’re currently wearing is shit mate I’m gonna take you and buy you the stuff that I’m prepared to be seen with you” in type mentality. Which you do see.
The passport and the provisional drivers license is really minimum standard, that should be provided.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:44

CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:38

While I appreciate people saying you shouldn't go over the top, he IS your son/step son so actually he should be taking him out and buying trainers etc if he's not dressed properly. He also shouldn't look like the poor relation next to your other children.

Maybe offer the money directly to his mother so she can kit him out? He should be paying child support for his son. And of course, I'm not saying that in a snidey way, he didn't know there was a child to pay for! But he does now. So he needs to be paying for him

I have suggested this after the first shopping trip. Ask for mums bank details and put in some money for his keep at home as while he will be visiting us he has said he won't feel comfortable staying over for a while x

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/04/2025 10:43

Congratulations, it’s a boy! What a lovely thread. Wishing you and your family all the best.

CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:42

Oh and if he has a will, he probably wants to revise that too

butterpuffed · 08/04/2025 10:40

This is really lovely , a couple of things you've said have brought a lump to my throat .

CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:40

Oh, and I'd start looking at some potential family therapy or speaking to organizations who have experience with this kind of thing. To prevent any issues long term.

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:40

Faranth · 08/04/2025 10:35

I'd add to PP great advice, to be careful with your DS. He may be feeling very mixed emotions and may not feel comfortable talking to you about it if your and DH seem to him to be 100% delighted.

I'd suggest you (rather than DH) make sure you have a check in 2ith him often - maybe when in the car or something - so he can talk to you about anything on his mind.

I have been where your DS is and it was really really destabilising. I felt like I had had a lot of things that I considered my 'identity' taking away. For you son that might be 'only child' 'first grandchild' etc etc. Stupid things bring me up short, like I used to buy my dad 'favourite daughter' cards, and I can't do that any more.

He's comfortable talking to us and we have had very lengthy conversations building up to the meeting of other child. We did do the option of meeting first and not mentioning it to our son, but we just aren't that kind of family, If there are any issues we do it together. He has been asking for a brother every month since he was about 10. We don't do only child and first born stuff in the family so that shouldn't be too much of an issue. We are taking things at both the boys paces, so I guess we will navigate as we go x

OP posts:
CleverLimePoet · 08/04/2025 10:38

While I appreciate people saying you shouldn't go over the top, he IS your son/step son so actually he should be taking him out and buying trainers etc if he's not dressed properly. He also shouldn't look like the poor relation next to your other children.

Maybe offer the money directly to his mother so she can kit him out? He should be paying child support for his son. And of course, I'm not saying that in a snidey way, he didn't know there was a child to pay for! But he does now. So he needs to be paying for him

Outnumbered99 · 08/04/2025 10:37

No experience of anything like this OP but you and your husband and son sound absolutely wonderful! You seem to have your eyes open and are considering everyone's feelings and perspectives while opening your heart and your home- i hope it continues to go as well as it seems to be going! Reckon new step son is due a bit of luck and seems to have it- love this thread!

beAsensible1 · 08/04/2025 10:37

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:24

I agree. They've been texting all morning bless him and I think he has the same outlook as he's said I really appreciate going shopping but can I defo come back to the house and hang out with you guys after.

Show quote history

😥 oh my heart

Faranth · 08/04/2025 10:35

I'd add to PP great advice, to be careful with your DS. He may be feeling very mixed emotions and may not feel comfortable talking to you about it if your and DH seem to him to be 100% delighted.

I'd suggest you (rather than DH) make sure you have a check in 2ith him often - maybe when in the car or something - so he can talk to you about anything on his mind.

I have been where your DS is and it was really really destabilising. I felt like I had had a lot of things that I considered my 'identity' taking away. For you son that might be 'only child' 'first grandchild' etc etc. Stupid things bring me up short, like I used to buy my dad 'favourite daughter' cards, and I can't do that any more.

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