Met Step Son for the first time!

Buying him stuff also comes across as judgemental of people (including him and his mother) who are poorer and who have fewer material possessions.
I would dress in the same clothes and have your son not be covered in brand names and new runners.

Having good manners means making people feel comfortable and of equal value.

Put your efforts into doing things together, listening to new SS life experiences and making food together etc.

It is so lovely that you, DH and your son are all on the same page as to welcoming the new family member.

I met my dad for the first time at a similar age.

the scariest part for me was he was suddenly wanting to be ‘family’ and trotting me out to his extended relations, telling me this was my uncle, grandad etc when they absolutely weren’t that to me, it felt so weird.

I also gained a brother and a sister in the process. I have never thought of them as such as they didn’t feel like that to me, because we weren’t brought up together I guess.

the financial stuff I was very grateful for (we were extremely poor) and I did feel he had lots of maintenance to make up for! Difference circumstances though as he refused to pay for me growing up. He was pretty well off, nice cars, expensive holidays, house paid off, own business etc and I found it difficult that my siblings had what that offered when I grew up getting hand me down clothes that were worn out and didn’t fit.

just take his lead.

This is a lovely post. I think your right take it at his pace and concentrate on getting to know you all. You say he hasn't had the best upbringing emotionally or financially but he sounds lovely and that won't have happened by chance plus you don't want to create an issue lavishing everything on him that his mum can't afford and creating friction. I wish you all the best :-)

This is a really good question and I think about it often, not being quite where I’d like to be with my relationship with my father.

So firstly, the fear of rejection was huge so being very aware that my father/ stepmother/ sibling didn’t have to accept me or have any relationship with me and therefore I felt like I needed to always put my best side forward. Time spent with them felt very exhausting as a consequence.

Regular and frequent contact would have helped reassure me I think.

I also think that my father was too reserved in a way, I think he was very cautious with contact and didn’t want to push things whereas I believe it would have worked better for me to have just been included as family from the very beginning. So invited to family occasions invited to see extended family, etc.

Lastly, we are quite different personalities with completely different interests and haven’t really found a common ground. You mentioned theme park trip? If you all love a theme park that could be great! If not then watching the football, or the theatre, music concerts or playing pool? Something that both your stepson and you, his father and brother genuinely like will help further that bond. This could be an activity all together or three separate interests you can do as pairs.

Also...I've not been in this situation so I could be wrong...but what about sitting down with both boys (they sound like great lads) and being honest in a kind of 'this is all really new and we aren't quite sure how to navigate it and sometimes we might mess up or not do something the right way, so we would really appreciate if you talk to us and if we longer it wrong, let's figure out together how to make it right'

It goes without saying to make sure your younger boy doesn't feel pushed out because even if he's over the moon about having a new brother, it's still a huge thing, but you already know this by the sounds of it and have considered that. Remember teenage boys will have their ups and downs, even if they've grown up together, but so far it sounds really positive.

Agree with this. Dont forget him in all the excitement. It's a stranger to your son, to all of you, really, who is now in his life and home.

Personally, if I was your husband, I'd be sending a letter to his son's mother. Nothing judgemental, no blame, just simply thank you for raising such a wonderful young man, and that he will always be greatful. Happy to be in his life, and the doors always open to her too sort of thing. Then ask her bank details for setting up child support until son turns 18/leaves education. This letter is where he can say he's intending to get a provisional/driving lessons sorted for his son, to keep her in the loop. If he gets no response that's fine, but I think it would be important. Contact between parents certainly isn't necessary at this age, but certainly regarding a passport I think his mother might be concerned this means you are about to whisk him away or something.

You should also think about careers guidance. He's 17 and soon to be an adult. Does he have GCSEs? Is he studying for A-levels and have ambitions for university?
I think he would really appreciate support in figuring out what he wants to do with his life. This will show you care about his long term future and success.

I have to say what a lovely thread. Made me tear up.

I also think as a PP suggested, that you look at some family counselling. It's all new and shiny at the moment but challenges may start when you all feel a bit more comfortable with each other.

May be better to nip them in the bud with counselling.

Yes to emotional connection.

I bite him to family days out.
invite him to dinner.
Give him an allowance to help toward everyday costs within your budget.

But well done to you and your DH from facing this head on and allowing the boy into your lives - many would have shut themselves and run.

Allowing him to be part of your lives will mean so much.

First of all, what a shock!

Secondly, I think it is great that your husband realises he has a lot of financial stepping up to do and wants to make sure his son is provided for.

It's also amazing that you clerly want to build up a relationship with this lad and that you are both considering the impact on him by not rushing the meeting etc, and taking his mums feelings into consideration as well. Whether he's had a tough upbringing or not due to things she has or hasn't done, being a single parent with no support from dad (because he didn't know, not because he sounds feckless!) must have been tough ans it's great you're recognising this.

I can see why your husband wants to go all out and treat him and give him what he hasn't been able to give him before, but I think you're right to slow ir down, take it day to day and put the main focus on building up the relationship. Even the most materialistic of teenage boys will no doubt appreciate the time and bonding with their dad more than having the money side of it especially as he's actively sought him out.

Good luck with it all op. Slow and steady. It sounds like you're a great family!

Wow. Firstly, how amazing are you!!! Lucky lad coming into your family. I agree, slowly, slowly. I think buying him a few clothes items and trainers are fine but I would let the relationship build before passport/provisional licence.

Good luck

It's actually very lovely how you have both reacted to this, and offered to do things for him.
It's going to take some time to adjust
But might be all lovely and work out in the end.

Oh what a lovely thing OP, it sounds wonderful for him to have you being so supportive.
I would agree with previous posters ,slowly slowly. Don't iverdo the gifting and spending just yet, give him time to process and for you all to get to know each other. But don't go crazy, tou don't know rverything about him yet and like any new relationship it will take time and possibly a few arguements along the way to get really comfortable with being in each others lives.
There may be things and viewpoints you find you disagree on, he and you all may go through a range of emotions, youre all happy now but any of you could suddenly feel at times resentful or depressed and you should be prepared for that too. Its a huge thing for you all to process.

Souls are only a thing if you’re religious and believe in some unevidenced innate essence that survives death. At 17, with what sounds like a comparatively impoverished one-parent upbringing, having just got a list of potential fathers from his mother, he’s probably confused and dealing with all kinds of conflicting emotions — happiness at discovering a father who is happy to acknowledge him, fear that it’s too good to be true, excitement at being given all this stuff, but also, potentially, suppressed guilt, resentment, anger, complex feelings towards both parents and his ‘new’ half-brother who’s had a wealthier and happier upbringing.

He absolutely may attempt to press buttons or nudge boundaries, but that won’t be because there’s anything wrong with his ‘soul’, it will be because he’s young, confused and on uncharted territory. Adopted people tracing their birth families are advised to access specialist counselling for good reason. It might be worth considering whether he might benefit from some.

I don't see why he should "take the reins". It's an extremely different situation to most step children. He's entering a fully formed family, so he needs to be dealt with by the family.

Usually, the step parent is the one entering the family and needs to let the other parent keep charge so as not to upset the apple cart. This is different. He needs to belong to your family as a whole. OP's husband has also not found the OP to do the job of parenting his first child (which often happens!). So there isn't much reason to step back and they have a child together already. They're already a set as far as parenting goes. Though I would make sure they do get one on one time together (as I would with any child).

Of course, I just meant if your husband wants to buy him stuff then I think that’s a pretty natural response and to just follow his lead. I really hope you all work this out happily ❤️

This. The more you give him, the more it will skew the relationship. My daughter is the example here - she adores her dad but he only gave her 'stuff' and it made her blind to what he actually did to her, which wasn't nice. So, concentrate on the relationship instead of moulding him to be a cookie cutter son. Forget the 'Disney stuff dad', just be a dad

You all sound lovely.

Agree with others, baby steps, spend time together, get him things if he needs them, but don’t go flashy. Once relationship established introduce big things like driving licence, maybe a holiday, offer to help him train in a chosen field or go back to school. If he’s not had the best upbringing he may not have had the best education and not have the confidence to go with it. Make sure the offers there without making him feel shit, not that I think you will but he may feel like that.

Also make sure your DH understands that lavishing his new DS with gifts may not make your joint DS feel good, so again baby steps.

You sound like you have a good DH, not many would step up as he has x

Edited - I’d also be wary of any childhood trauma that may need addressing. This may show up slowly as your relationship progresses. Right now he’s happy but that could easily turn to anger and resentment he’s had to wait 17years for this new life.

I wish you all well. It was lovely to read your information.

Respectfully, and I say this while already thinking you have already been very supportive ❤️, try to let your husband navigate this. He must feel a huge amount of guilt though he shouldn’t, and while you can advise, you are best taking a step back and letting him take the reins.