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Original poster

Met Step Son for the first time!

187 replies

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 09:02

Good Morning Everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice this morning as I am not sure how to navigate this.

Backstory: Me and my husband have been married for 12 years together for 15. A few months ago he got a message on Facebook messenger from a teenage boy saying he never knew his dad and his mum has finally given him a list of names of who the dads might be with a long message attached with his feelings etc and how much if it were the right person he would want to be a part of their life. We have a not run of the mill surname so my husband was quite easy to find. (My husband had no idea he existed). Anyway, he was the spitting image of my husband at 17. He came into me a bit pale faced and showed me the message then the picture of the lad. I then also went a bit pale faced 😅.

Long story short although we were pretty adamant it wasn't needed husband did a DNA test which we funded and they came back father and son match.

They/ we spoke for a few weeks on Whatsapp. Had some video calls and we told him when he was comfortable we could meet up. We met up for the first time last night. It was HIGHLY emotional. He hasn't had the best upbringing emotional support or money wise and we also have a teenage son so both of them also now have a brother, again I am tearing up how emotional they both were 😫.

We are running everything at his own pace, but we have arranged to take him clothes shopping/ trainer shopping on Sat as he isn't in the best of attire (as in fitting clothes/ worn out shoes). We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

He has stated his mother wants no contact with us but he has told her he has found us and is meeting up.

He is extremely grateful about it all, I have said to husband lets take it all slowly with getting him stuff as I don't want his mum to think we are basically shitting all over her previous efforts raising him alone, but husband is saying he has 17 years of child maintenance to make up for and she might be happy we are now there to help.

I've told him we need to build a solid relationship with him first and then treat him as we do our other child but to be honest I have no idea how to navigate it.

But yeah....I now have another child that no one knew existed!

OP posts:
angielizzy1 · 08/04/2025 13:28

viques · 08/04/2025 10:58

I would hold back on the driving licence/ passport thing. There are other ways to get him ID if that is what they are for. A driving licence and passport indicate other things like driving lessons and holidays, it doesn’t sound as though his mum is in a position to provide those and unless you are willing to fund them I wouldn’t raise them as a possibility.

As others have said concentrate on building a relationship. A similar thing happened to friends of mine, he had a short lived fling at university and didn’t realise a child was the result until twenty plus plus years later. They had no other children, and it all worked out surprisingly well, a ready made set of grandchildren came with the unexpected adult /child. I think the difference was the offspring ( seems silly to call them a child) was a confident adult with their own established strong relationship and a successful professional career , so they could concentrated on building their own emotional relationship.

In the UK, if you want a bank account there are no other forms of id acceptable except driving licence and passport as soon as you are 18. My daughter is unable to get a driving license for medical reasons and we had to get her a passport in order to open a bank account. Several banks told her she should get a provisional license even if she didn't intend to drive but sadly it was not possible for her. She has proof of age ID which is called something like citizenship card but that doesn't allow them to get a bank account

BexAubs20 · 08/04/2025 13:14

Wow! Crazy that the mum has let him get to this age without trying to find out who his father is! It sounds like you and your husband would have provided a nice life for him too if you had of known. Very sad but hopefully a happy ending! I think communication is key here but if mum doesn’t want to talk to you then what can you do? I’d say let your husband do what makes him and his son happy and you and mum stay out of it. If she pipes up she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on because she had a “list” of potentional dads (not shaming here btw) but she could have given that list sooner and she’s deliberately kept his dad out of his life then when he’s found him his self she’s giving no support or assistance in nurturing the relationship or communicating with you soooo

CheekySnake · 08/04/2025 13:09

I am with the posters who have said to slow down on the shopping, and stop the fixation on his trainers. No driving licence or driving lessons. That isn't how you build a relationship, assuming that's what you want long term. Your priority shouldn't be his footwear. It's the least important thing. And TBH, it makes it about money, and nothing sours a fragile relationship quite like money.

A bomb has just gone off in your family, whether it feels positive at the moment or not. I would be proceeding slowly and carefully, probably with professional help (as someone else has said). There is so much to unpack here. You are all strangers to each other. He needs some time alone with your DH first, maybe coffee or a meal out or a walk, and this becoming a regular but low pressure thing. It might take 6 months before he's ready to build some sort of relationship with the rest of you. That's OK. You've got time.

(For background - I had a sibling I knew nothing about show up when I was a similar age to your DS from the sounds of it. It is amazing at first and you have all these hopes and expectations which TBH exist only in your head. It can go south v, v quickly).

SheridansPortSalut · 08/04/2025 13:09

There's a lot of "we" and "us" in your post. It's wonderful that you are approaching things as a team but be prepared to take a step back so that father and son can develop their own relationship. I'm actually surprised that you were at their first meeting. It's all happening very fast.

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 08/04/2025 13:08

Having grown up with slightly similar situation, I think the main thing is to realise that the DSS might have a few issues crop up around abandonment, feeling that he needs to be perfect, or pushing boundaries to test the bond and you should be prepared for that. Lots of time spent together and not backing away the moment he’s not this perfect boy - he’s only 17 after all! Just being prepared that it may be rocky waters but if you can navigate that and show that your love won’t go away and that he is a real son in terms of unconditional love, then everything will turn out okay.

pinkstripeycat · 08/04/2025 13:05

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 10:51

It is more so the young man has no form of ID. Can't open his own bank account or anything of the sort x

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You don’t need a passport or a drivers licence to open a bank account. You do need a birthday certificate for a passport and you can open a bank account with a birth certificate. He should have been able to do this already.

My kids only got passports aged 15 & 16 but have had bank accounts since they were born and all I used was their birthday cert 😊

ClearPinkPlum · 08/04/2025 13:03

Don’t go throwing money at him, you will resent it when he expects it.

ClearPinkPlum · 08/04/2025 13:02

I would also say don’t get over excited about this yet.

They may make a claim for back dated child support, all kinds of things can happen

Good luck, but also be careful.

Rarely will a long lost or unknown child suddenly arrive without some upset.

pinkstripeycat · 08/04/2025 12:59

redphonecase · 08/04/2025 10:03

We also planned to get him a passport and provisional license (we haven't mentioned this to him yet).

You're presumably not going to do that without (a) checking with his mum first and (b) planning to pay for driving lessons?

It’s not possible for OP and DH to apply for a passport without the mother’s input anyway. The driving licence has nothing to do with her once the child is 17. It’s his own business.

Myonlysunshine123 · 08/04/2025 12:58

Ah I've teared up a bit at this, he sounds like he does want time rather than things. You all sound lovely and welcoming but the mum has also done her best I hope so she'd have saved etc to buy him those worn out shoes.

Whooowhooohoo · 08/04/2025 12:44

Bio mum … jeez. The “maintenance” not being paid is on her, no idea why she was needing to be stoic and not involving dad even if it was 3 men possible.

IMO- you DH needs to build relationship with son. He does not need to build with bio mum. There is no point now. She will be a waste of emotional energy now, maybe later, but defo not now.

He needs to have his NI number I think to get the driver id. Its all on gov.uk

DuskyPink1984 · 08/04/2025 12:42

Gosh, this is so lovely and put a bit of a tear in my eye. You sound like amazing people! Wishing you all every happiness.

LateMumma · 08/04/2025 12:39

This is such a lovely post. I’m sitting in my work canteen with tears in my eyes! Best of everything to you all

spinningplates2024 · 08/04/2025 12:37

I think modelling imperfect aspects of your own relationships and letting him know it’s not that he is accepted depending on him being good enough. You haven’t said that at all but I think that fear is likely there.

anyolddinosaur · 08/04/2025 12:35

You are in a "honeymoon" phase. Later you may find he's not as lovely a young man as you think - or maybe that he is. Either way take it slowly, you musnt spoil the relationship with his mother.

The insurance costs for a car for a new young driver are very high, Are you going to buy him a car and fund the running costs too? Is he planning on university - if so no immediate need to learn to drive and he can get an identity document in other ways. https://www.pass-scheme.org.uk/ If he isnt planning on uni then write that letter to the mother, mention you are thinking that a driving license is a big asset when seeking work.

Your husband should be looking to support him in education or finding work, you dont need to rush into more then that.

AliceMcK · 08/04/2025 12:30

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 11:18

I've spoken to husband after reading all these posts and suggested we bring it up to do it not as a 'you're this new child thing' but as a WTF we are all navigating this new thing together lets get some help doing it thing, just as we would learning a new job. x

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I think this is quite sensible. Having an independent body who has experience of this I think is very important to make sure emotions and feelings are channeled in a healthy way for you all. Joint family sessions and one in one for all 4 of you so you can all be heard and work together.

Fioratourer · 08/04/2025 12:24

I’d tread carefully it’s exciting and lovely but you don’t know each other and that could change quickly. I would be cautious with finances as you won’t want demands if it went the wrong way. Hoping it’s all positive and stays lovely! I would be wary of treading on his mums toes financially too. She hopefully has done her best with what she had.

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 12:23

CurlsLDN · 08/04/2025 09:16

I’d focus less on giving ‘stuff’ and more on giving time. If the son and dad both want it, they can just spend time together, with and without the rest of your family, just getting to know eachother

I would not be throwing money at him for silly stuff, if your husband feels like he owes him years and years of child maintenance fine ( and good) but I would only be putting it towards something like education etc etc that is actually going to improve the boys long term circumstances.
Give him lots of time and love though, jeepers what an emotional upheaval !

BeMoreAmandaland · 08/04/2025 12:14

How wonderful for you all 😊

I'm prepared to be an outlier here and am possibly projecting having been through a number of "highly emotional" family situations but your emphasis on the first meeting being "HIGHLY emotional" does make me wary...I'm not entirely sure I can vocalise why.

I think just be wary of the strong emotions flowing for everyone, I agree your new step son might need professional support navigating this time as a pp alluded to re.adopted children. And you and your husband might too.

High emotions mask a lot of things and it's easy to get swept up but underneath, as others have more eloquently said, there can be a lot of mixed feelings.

bringonthecrumpets · 08/04/2025 12:06

Navigating a very similar situation right now - just a bit behind you. Found out ex dp has a young adult son who has found dad / me on Facebook and is now in touch with my dc. Planning to meet for the first time next month. No desire to meet the father though which is understandable in my opinion. So we will focus on building sibling relationships for the moment.

RunningJo · 08/04/2025 11:58

Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 11:54

I am very conscious of this also. Whatever reasons she had for not getting in contact etc are her reasons and whilst unfair to my husband I am of the view of it obviously wasn't meant to be until now. I have no idea about the woman she was a quick fling, my husband doesn't even really remember her so we aren't going to comment on her choices, just focus on the present situation. I have suggested we offer child maintenance after this initial shopping trip (we aren't going to go crazy) just provide the basics (some nicer trainers) definitely though, we are a trainer family 🤐. Don't want it to come across as a one up when that's just who we are.

Edited
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Sounds a perfect way to deal with it, OP

MaggieBsBoat · 08/04/2025 11:58

Oh my goodness. I’m crying on the bus reading your thread @Larrythelobster87

Original poster
Larrythelobster87 · 08/04/2025 11:54

RunningJo · 08/04/2025 11:48

I was thinking something along these lines too, and agree that she may appreciate some correspondence. She has clearly given her blessing to find his Dad and is likely very relieved that it is turning out so well. But on the flip side, it may also be a little bittersweet for her when he comes home with his new clothes and trainers full of excitement for his new family and would possibly welcome knowing what the plans are for him.

OP the more I read this thread the more it makes me smile as to how well it has worked out, I am sure you will navigate it all brilliantly

Show quote history

I am very conscious of this also. Whatever reasons she had for not getting in contact etc are her reasons and whilst unfair to my husband I am of the view of it obviously wasn't meant to be until now. I have no idea about the woman she was a quick fling, my husband doesn't even really remember her so we aren't going to comment on her choices, just focus on the present situation. I have suggested we offer child maintenance after this initial shopping trip (we aren't going to go crazy) just provide the basics (some nicer trainers) definitely though, we are a trainer family 🤐. Don't want it to come across as a one up when that's just who we are.

OP posts:
Chungai · 08/04/2025 11:54

user1492757084 · 08/04/2025 11:46

Buying him stuff also comes across as judgemental of people (including him and his mother) who are poorer and who have fewer material possessions.
I would dress in the same clothes and have your son not be covered in brand names and new runners.

Having good manners means making people feel comfortable and of equal value.

Put your efforts into doing things together, listening to new SS life experiences and making food together etc.

It is so lovely that you, DH and your son are all on the same page as to welcoming the new family member.

Agree, I think that while he's not had an easy childhood his mum has clearly done a good job of bringing him up as a decent human by herself.

I'd be respectful of that and not go all Disney dad. Spend time with him, go for walks, invite him over for tea, I'd leave the gifts and trips out for a bit.

RunningJo · 08/04/2025 11:48

Throwitaway12345 · 08/04/2025 11:32

Personally, if I was your husband, I'd be sending a letter to his son's mother. Nothing judgemental, no blame, just simply thank you for raising such a wonderful young man, and that he will always be greatful. Happy to be in his life, and the doors always open to her too sort of thing. Then ask her bank details for setting up child support until son turns 18/leaves education. This letter is where he can say he's intending to get a provisional/driving lessons sorted for his son, to keep her in the loop. If he gets no response that's fine, but I think it would be important. Contact between parents certainly isn't necessary at this age, but certainly regarding a passport I think his mother might be concerned this means you are about to whisk him away or something.

I was thinking something along these lines too, and agree that she may appreciate some correspondence. She has clearly given her blessing to find his Dad and is likely very relieved that it is turning out so well. But on the flip side, it may also be a little bittersweet for her when he comes home with his new clothes and trainers full of excitement for his new family and would possibly welcome knowing what the plans are for him.

OP the more I read this thread the more it makes me smile as to how well it has worked out, I am sure you will navigate it all brilliantly

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