Met Step Son for the first time!

Our story is very similar, and I referred to it on the current ‘getting on with in-laws’ thread. Adding a bit more detail here.

DS2 had a son when he was 20 and GF slightly younger. Neither of them wanted DS to be part of the child’s life which meant neither were included. I found this hard; I used to walk in town looking at boys wondering if they could be my grandson. But DH and I felt we had to respect the wishes of DS and his GF.

When this DGS was 19 his mum pointed out to him that our DS was playing in a local pub and could be his father. DGS sent pals to the pub with a note to give to DS saying ‘I think you are my father, would you like to meet?

They did so the next day then DS asked if he could bring DGS to meet us.

Of course we were thrilled!

DGS has been a much loved part of our family ever since. DS has two younger kids, so he told them that they were going to meet their half brother. They took this perfectly calmly, apparently lots of kids at school have half brothers. They adore him and he them, he is a great model and example for them.

DGS is a clever hardworking young man who, over the 13 years he has been part of the family has had good well paid jobs and has bought a house with his GF, who has a professional job of her own.

Sadly his mum still does not want to have any contact with us, but that is her choice and she is entitled to it. She is happily married with two young daughters. However, which may seem a little strange, we are very friendly with her dad. DGS’s mum and stepdad did a brilliant job raising him, we are very grateful and impressed.

DGS gets on very well with his dad’s partner, and even with his former partner, mother of his two other children.

We never felt the need to buy DGS any clothes or similar but we have always included him on family holidays to the Caribbean and skiing, Christmas and birthday celebrations etc.

We are incredibly lucky that events which at first were shocking and upsetting turned out so happily.

I hope everything works out just as well for Larrythelobster8

Imagine how great Christmas is going to be, has he ever had a proper family Christmas? Or even small things like an advent calendar?

Whilst not having the childhood he would have had with your DH in it, it sounds like his Mum has brought up a lovely young man with lots of emotional intelligence. That’s not easy to do as a single parent in todays world.
Could you maybe ask SS what his mum likes and maybe fund something for SS to do with Mum alone as a thank you for supporting SS in finding his Father. Even dinner out or even just a bunch of flowers may make a difference to both of them in processing the impact of your lovely family coming into their lives.
It can’t have been easy for her on her own or an easy decision to support him looking for his DF, but she is clearly putting her son first now.
As others have said, it’s a marathon not a sprint, and some small gestures can make a lifetime of difference.

Your DH would be unwise to set himself up as Lord Bountiful, for a number of reasons. He may feel he has things to make up for, but trying to do it all at once, and only ‘seeing’ his newly discovered son, can easily backfire.

It would also be wise to pay attention to your own children, and the impact of all this on them. This isn’t all just about your DH and stepchild. Your children’s feelings may be complicated, positive and negative, and they need support too. Don’t shut them down if they express anything other than positivity and enthusiasm, allow them time, and a forum, in which to process.

Well done to you and your husband for welcoming him. You are good people.

You hear so many stories which unfortunately are not like this where the child is basically told by their biological parent (and family) they are not interested. The child ends up regretting they made contact. In your case he is a lucky young man to meet lovely people. Best of luck to you all OP.

This is such a refreshing thread OP. You all seem to be handling this so well. Kudos to you for your acceptance and level headedness in what must be a mind blowing situation. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Ah this is lovely :)

Wow — what a huge, emotional shift for your family, and you're navigating it with so much compassion and thoughtfulness. Honestly, you're doing better than you probably even realise.
First off, it’s completely normal to feel unsure right now. You’ve had a life-changing moment dropped into your lap, and it’s a lot to process — emotionally, logistically, relationally. But the way you’ve both approached this already shows how grounded and emotionally intelligent you are. You’re not just reacting, you’re thinking it through, and that’s everything.
Your husband stepping up, not denying or deflecting, and you standing right beside him? That’s massive. It sounds like you’re handling this with empathy not just toward this young man, but toward each other, and even toward his mother — and that says a lot.
You're absolutely right to want to take things slowly. Relationships take time to build — especially one as loaded as this. Yes, your husband may feel guilt, and a natural urge to "make up for lost time," but you’re wise to pace it. Offering emotional security and consistency is worth far more in the long run than buying everything all at once. He doesn’t need to be compensated; he needs to feel seen, accepted, and loved. The rest can follow.
About the mum — it’s thoughtful that you’re considering her feelings, and your instinct is a good one. Even if she doesn’t want contact, she’s still part of this boy’s story, and a bit of quiet respect for what she’s done so far will probably go a long way (even if it’s not acknowledged).
As for the passport, license, etc. — such amazing gestures — but maybe wait a little, as you said, until the relationship feels more secure. You’ll get a better sense from him what he wants and needs too.
You’ve also just opened your hearts and your family to a new person, which takes incredible courage. Don’t feel pressure to get everything perfect — there’s no script for this. Just keep doing what you’re already doing: communicating openly, showing care, listening, checking in with each other and with him.
Also — you might find a family counsellor or therapist helpful down the line. Not because there’s anything wrong, but just to have support while you all navigate this new chapter together.
And finally — that moment between the two brothers? That gave me chills. What a powerful beginning.
You’ve got this. One step, one conversation, one weekend at a time. 💛

I love that you are respectful of his mum and her choices too - especially if it was a quick fling thing.

I have no idea how this will pan out for you all but I know you’ll do whatever is best and this young man is lucky to have another family who care about him as well as being respectful to the only other family he’s known.

I’ve really nothing to add as I have zero experience but you and your husband sound like wonderful people and I think this young lad is lucky to have you in his life.

Give him time with his dad and siblings not lots of stuff . By all means gift him stuff but not in huge amounts . Because as you say might upset his mum and because it might create a dependency or expectative of material stuff . In time if issues appear then your husband won’t know if contact is for stuff or a true relationship .
Follow what this boy wants contact wise , but don’t hound him with contact either .
Good luck and have some time yourself to come to terms with this . It’s a massive change for everyone , this kid , your kid , your husband and you .

OP - amazing job! Your attitude and outlook on having a bonus son are so awesome and refreshing. Do whatever makes you happy and I am so heartwarmed there are people like you in the world who embrace these kinds of new situations. I wish you and your family all the very best.

can I defo come back to the house and hang out with you guys after.

This brought a tear to my eye! The wee soul😭

You sound like a great family and I'm so happy for this boy that that's the case. It would have been so awful for him to be rejected.

Did you mean to sound like such a dick?

Aww OP. I was in a very similar situation.

I received a message via Facebook one day from a young man (20 at the time) stating he thought my then husband was his father.

One look at his pic and I knew he was. We had two young children together and in the message his son said he wasn’t expecting anything but he’d seen we’d had children and that they’d be his half siblings.

I was delighted as my then husband was estranged from his own family and I was just thrilled my kids would have someone else on their dad’s side to get to have a relationship with.

Then-husband and I met the young man together and he was just lovely.

His mum had actually told him that his dad was dead but over the years, due to things his other family members said, he began to think it wasn’t true.

He had a hard upbringing with a toxic mother and just wanted answers. She eventually gave him his name and he did some digging and found me.

Loooonnngg story short DNA test was done and parentage was confirmed.

Then-husband and I are now divorced and my ‘step son’ (don’t call him that as me and his dad aren’t together) have a very good relationship and he has no relationship with his dad due to his dad’s similar toxicty to his mother.

She knew her son had found us and like your young man’s mum said she didn’t want any involvement. In the few years my ex and his son had some sort of relationship, he and the boy’s mum had no contact at all.

I guess through all my (very outing) rambling what I’m trying to say is my ex-husband’s son was lovely then and is still lovely now so I’m hoping for the same for you ❤️

I’m so lucky he and his wife and new baby are in mine and my children’s lives ❤️

Good luck, it could be so amazing for you all.

Not quite true. My husband doesn't have either a driving license or a passport so has a citizen card and was able to open two bank accounts with high street banks with no problem using the citizen card.

The step son can apply for it himself from the age of 16. All he needs is his birth certificate and his mothers birth certificate. If for any reason he didn't have access to these they can both be ordered online for a small fee. OP and her husband could give him the money to do this and guide him through the process without any input from the bio mother if necessary.

I think it's lovely too!

My DS has not met his dad or grandparents but met with his auntie when he was 15.
They are now quite close and he really enjoys seeing the other side of his family - they are very different to mine!

I would personally just be open with him, make sure he knows you’re there and ready to build that relationship with him. Tell him that you’re willing to help with anything he needs and give HIM the choice as to whether he wants to talk to you about it/ask for those things.

I wouldn’t rush in, just let him know that you’re ready when he is and let him take the lead.

Fab idea

For much later, it may be sensible for him to track down his Child Trust Fund - there are so many in this age group who had no idea that they had a CFT set up for them by the gov.

https://www.gov.uk/child-trust-funds

I think before you spend anymore money have a career discussion with him am see what you can do to support him. He might be some guidance finding an apprenticeship or funding for a tutor. Not many teenagers will want to be pinned down but if you carry on buying him stuff it will make it look too easy for him and working might fall by the wayside.

i also agree that some counselling is needed and this is the honeymoon period. I hope every thing turns out well for you though.

That is the case when you are younger and a birth certificate is fine(usually plus parents ID) my daughter couldn't get a bank account without getting a passport when she is 18. We tried lots of banks and they all said she needed a driving license or passport despite her having childrens accounts. She also really struggled to be able to claim those childrens accounts in her own name due to no suitable ID.

I find it less surprising @Larrythelobster87 was at the first meeting given that there was very limited history with her DH and the lad's mum.

But I agree, the "we" and "us" is wonderful and the team work is heartening.

Expect twosteps forward, three steps back, I'd say. Your are all going to get ALL the emotions at some point. Definitely family counselling a good idea.

The best of love and luck x

Wrong thread