Met Step Son for the first time!

There is so much family relationship shit on MN. It’s lovely to have a good news story. One. Step son who isn’t an ogre. Two. A DH/DD stepping up, no questions asked. Three a SM (that’s you btw), being open and welcoming and not making it about you. But if a teary one this in a good way.

Ah this is lovely. What a brave young boy he is to reach out like that. Hope it works out for you all ❤️

Can't lie this thread is making me tear up its so lovely. We often hear so many stories about dead beat or absent dads my own dcs father stopped seeing him and here you are with your wonderful husband embracing this kid. All of use deprived of a relationship for years. Its heartwarming and I wish you all the very best. I think as its all very new and exciting I dont blame your husband wanting to go out and take him shopping etc by the sounds of things the kid has had it tough he wants his 2 kids the same but I understand also how it could seem to the child's mother also. Anyway so lovely to hear a positive outcome for once

@Larrythelobster87 definitely don’t go mad buying stuff. Everyone needs to make a relationship first, not have the money aspect in there muddying the waters. And yes, his poor Mum could feel understandable resentment at the ‘Disney Dad’ turning up - even though your DH just wants to make up for lost time. It is great that he does, but take things slow. His son could just be out for what he can get - equally he may not be. This will take slow and careful navigation and requires good boundaries - especially, too, to protect your other son. Best of luck!

While this is lovely and I can only imagines the maelstrom of emotions for all parties, I think the help of a specialist counsellor would be enormously beneficial to all of you and how to navigate this life changing situation.

Rather than going OTT on material things, for now, money would be best invested in counselling for all of you.

An abundance of gifts/cash/shopping trips just smacks of guilt. And sending the wrong signal entirely for all parties concerned. I understand that it’s from a place of kindness but my priority would be the wellbeing of the son you have brought up all this time. When the novelty wears off, which it inevitably will, how is he going to feel about extravagant shopping trips and grand gestures?

You ALL need to navigate this slowly, carefully and have very clear boundaries.

This is amazing!!! Congratulations!!!

I love this for all of you. 💝

My siblings and I were separated in care and I didn’t meet them until my 20’s.

You are doing an amazing job.

You are a wonderful family and hope everything will work out for all of you in the future.

OP has been more than respectful. In fact she has been bloody amazing.

How many wives of father's of children they didn't know they had would be this accommodating and compassionate when the child appeared? Not too many I would suggest. OP deserves nothing but praise.

It’s his biological father he needs to build a relationship with before anyone else. You aren’t his step anything, he already has a mother , he doesn’t need another. You are his father’s wife, that’s all. Have some respect for your husband and his newly found child and, at least for a while, leave them to get to know one another without you

That's a lot to take in op but it sounds like you've all been handling it really well all things considered and fair play to you.

I think others are right to consider that it's a marathon not a sprint and there could be real highs and lows ahead while you and he and his mum navigate things.

I think a letter to his mum that she's not obligated to respond to is a good idea just to reassure her of your intentions and to credit the work she's done this far. I think your dh should be looking at how much he should be spending a month in child maintenance and start paying her for that and maybe in a little while you can work out an agreement in terms of what other things your dh would like to cover. I think it's probably wise to try and agree a boundary with this initially so she doesn't feel stepped over or like your dh is buying SS affections - obviously you know this isn't the case but she doesn't know you and may be more cautious.

I would actually offer to pay for counselling for your SS given this is maybe a lot for him to process so he has a neutral place to talk about his feelings on this as talking to you or his mum might be complicated and it's unlikely friends will really 'get it'. Then I'd leave it to him and his counsellor to suggest family sessions when he's ready but I think that would be for further down the road so you're not tempted to get too deep and intense too quickly incase that becomes overwhelming. Possibly for your dh too as there may come a point where this is a lot for him as well.

I would actually also reach out an offer to meet his mum if she wants to (or at least let her know you're open to it so there's no pressure) incase there comes a point where she does have questions or need to clarify things.

I would maybe try to arrange something consistent with Ss eg could you agree a night where he comes for dinner and maybe one day at the weekend like a Saturday you go out as a family so he has a bit of structure to it. It'll then be up to you to be super, super consistent with it and make sure you follow through. Obviously he's really relieved right now that things have gone well but there might be a part of him that's scared dh and you will change your minds so having a plan like that might reassure him. It also might help pace it out a bit.

I think it sounds like your ds is a very resilient and caring young person and I think it'll be important for him to have some planned in time 1-1 or 2-1 with you and your dh as well where you aren't talking about SS and can just focus on him so he doesn't feel abandoned or like he can't talk to you about his feelings because he knows he should be supportive.

@luddite26 is right on the money when they say about not allowing anyone to make out that SS is 'lucky' in any way for finding you and it will be really important to reflect on how you and others act around him. He should be no more grateful to you both than any other child should be to their parent and often we don't really expect that from our children because we recognise that it's our job as parents to take care of them and this can affect self worth. Some people will be tactless in this respect- pull them on it every single time and stand up for him publicly when you need to.

My daughter tried to use hers only last year and no one would accept it. She did just about manage to claim her existing junior ISA (previously her child trust fund but we transferred it) with her citizenship card, the paperwork from her ISA, a bank statement from her junior bank account at a different bank and her college ID but only after she explained she couldn't get a provisional license. She couldn't change her junior bank account to a student account though, We ended up having to get a a passport purely to get a bank account.

Does your stepson’s Mum have other children?

When I first met my dad age 28 people loved to insinuate I was there for the money. I never was.
He didn't actually buy me anything and I had been living independently since the age of 15. I felt rubbish that people thought I was there for the money. I just wanted to see what he looked like.
I'm all for helping him with clothes and making up to him and spending time really enjoying becoming a family.

But don't let other people make out he's fallen on his feet or he's lucky yo be getting a pair of trainers off you etc.
He's not lucky he's an illegitimate child and that can come with lifelong feelings of you never measuring up to others.
Your post sounds lovely but if anybody starts saying what a lucky lad he is for having some new shoes please nip it in the bud. Kids don't turn up with their hands out begging they just want to see who they are part of.💐

Sorry to hear that. Not everyone is like OP and her family unfortunately.

Nice update OP. Taking things slowly, or more chilled, sounds great.

Yes. And adding to what you say about taking care with building the brother relationship….They will have very different backgrounds. Possibly your DS is more sheltered and younger too…. Even if SS is a lovely boy, the exhilaration of having a brother/ trying to impress/bond could lead to some crazy stuff….

Tbh we only have his word that he's told his mum. He's said she doesn't want anything to do with it apparently. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't told her.

I was thinking about his mum. People are talking about Christmas etc but he may feel very conflicted. I know she doesn’t want anything to do with you but perhaps you can write to her in a very neutral way too. I think reflecting on the fact that she has done everything for him (not dwelling on the not being informed bit as I can imagine how it would be difficult to have to approach several people to figure that out - not making an excuse but not useful right now). Just acknowledging her how she has been his parent etc and how you want to support and validate her role and if there comes a time to have any interaction you would welcome that. I’d get a good systemic/family therapist even for you as a couple to start with just to keep thinking about things as they present.

This made me tear up. He sounds lovely and you are all going to enjoy getting to know one another. Good luck x

This all sounds amazing but a word of caution - do not let your own son get sidelined - he still needs time and love and attention too. I'm sure you are bearing this in mind but it's very easy to get swept up in the initial emotion of all this but you need to keep grounded for your son

Oh, I think I didn't explain well!

We don't do 'first born' stuff in my family either! I don't even know what that would be tbh 😂but I was very surprised how much it knocked me to not be something that I'd never really realised I was, just was by default. I'm very close to DPs and usually can talk about anything, but this was just next level awkward.

I was the only daughter, and now I'm not. I was the oldest, and now I'm not. I was the mother of my DPs first and only grandchild, DGMs first and only great grandchild, and now I'm not.

And I told my DPs that it was all great, and of course I was excited to meet her, and all the things you're supposed to say. And it was true, but also they were all excited and I really didn't feel like I could burst that bubble and say 'actually, this is weird and while it's a good thing, it's also making me feel a bit crap, and I can't explain why'

You sound like such a lovely lady.Lucky young man.

I so rarely post on MN, but have to in this case - I keep welling up too. You sound like Buddy's step-mum in Elf - she was totally made up when she found out about Buddy (luckily your DH not like Buddy's dad!)
Poor new SS and poor DH - they must feel robbed of all those formative years. Second what other people have said about his bravery.

Hope it all works out brilliantly for you all

Perhaps this has been mentioned, but does your husband’s son have any siblings, step or half? His family dynamic could play a big part going forward.

This is so lovely. My father always knew about me but signed me away as soon as he could and paid pennies for as short as he could. He told me he'd call the police if I rang him again after two calls so to read a father is being a father is wonderful.