Met Step Son for the first time!

@Larrythelobster87 how are things going with your DSS? I hope its all going well. Did his DM ever contact you?

What a beautiful post to read this morning.
OP your family sound like a great bunch of people and I wish you all the best for the future

Because you replied to my post 🫤

And yet you quoted my post?

All four of you sound absolutely lovely. 🥰

She had 17 years to contact the men.

You and DH sound amazing. Just take it really slow and steady. Get to know one another and don't go in buying too much gently does it

I can't add anything helpful in navigating life with your stepson - way outside my experience, but I just wanted to say I think you and your family sound wonderful and grounded. I hope your stepson (who seems a lovely young man) goes on to enrich your lives the way you have his. I am touched that you are thinking of his mother too, and I wish all of you a very happy future.

What a lovely thread. I really hope you give us an update after the weekend

But my reply was because of this post

Vatsallfolks · Today 13:33

In my mind the one who REALLY needs the financial support is the single mother who bought him up for 17 years on her own

That is why I said, what the fuck. But I still think she should have tried to find out.

But anyway enough of the derail .

its so nice to hear everyone is approaching this with optimism. Just please take it slow.
buying lots and lots can lead to a reverse situation where the lad can feel resentful of everything he didn’t have growing up. I’ve seen this happen. It starts out gleefully but morphs into resentment. I’m not saying this always happens but it can

also put your youngest son at the TOP of your priority. The natural reaction would be to prioritise your SS but reminder he has had time to process this and he is older. Your young son may end up feeling very much like he is being expected to take second place she suddenly has a sibling and dynamic not expected thrust suddenly upon him. He must be your priority.

whatever you do , don’t EVER start saying ‘your brother needs this more than you’ or ‘we need ti think about what your brother wants’ or ‘no you can’t have this or go there as we need to buy your brother XXXX instead’

and your DH will naturally be feeling a LOT of confused emotions. But he must be the adult here and manage himself and again prioritise your younger son in the integration of his new half brother.
You are strangers still to each other. Take things slowly. Much slower than you have been
your DH has not let the lad down. He didn’t know he existed. He has no guilt to feel. Love does not grow overnight.

You all sound so lovely, what a beautiful family x

I’ve never suggested she ‘deserved’ a lump sum of money, or that it was ‘easier’ for the 17 year old to approach potential fathers than an accidentally pregnant woman not sure who it was who impregnated her. I’m saying it’s not as though she knew who it was and ‘prevented’ her child from having a relationship with him, and that the whole thing was clearly a bit of a mess.

I agree with this. Don’t go too fast. Allow time for “normal” to develop.

The problem sounds like she didn't know who the father was, possibly one of 3, she only got herself to blame for not getting CM, poor kid.

She doesn't deserve a lump sum of money. It isn't a ABBA musical it is the kids real life. She should have tried to find out.

Why do you think it was easier for the 17 year old to approach random men then it was for the mother to approach men she knew?

If, as the OP says, she gave her son a list of names of potential fathers, she clearly didn’t know who her child’s father was, they were all short term things (like the OP’s DH) or ONS, and when she found she was pregnant (and who knows how far along she was?), or had a small baby, she probably didn’t feel like trying to contact a list of random flings, saying ‘I may have had your baby. Fancy doing a DNA test?’

I mean, cute in a dopey ABBA musical, but difficult to navigate in RL.

What the fuck?

She stopped her son from having a relationship with his dad and the dad with his son.

Had the mother shared this information sooner the child would have grown up with a father and she would have got matintance.

OP this is so heartwarming ❤️ I can’t offer any advice on how to navigate the situation but it’s so lovely that he has been welcomed with open arms by everyone

In my mind the one who REALLY needs the financial support is the single mother who bought him up for 17 years on her own. A one off lump sum with no strings attached in lieu of CM (not the whole amount as she should of claimed to start with) would be lovely and allow her to spoil her son for once - not just the new rich shiny dad family .. I don’t mean that meanly OP you sound amazing and welcoming - I just know teenagers (I had 7 !) and money can be important .

How lovely OP.

Just a little warning from someone who invited & added someone to their family in a son like role (not entirely the same). One of the things you have to learn to navigate is conflict, especially when it starts on such a high. Every family has conflict (which may in your eyes be a mild difference of opinion) but that can be very difficult for someone without a secure base to navigate and negotiate. He may panic every time you disagree, he may feel unable to disagree etc and that can lead to issues (unnecessary lying or gaslighting for example). There is a big power differential & his experiences so far may mean he doesn’t know how to trust others.

Once the excitement has settled I would consider getting therapy, either separately, or family therapy or both. There will also be an impact on the other children - even if the experience is 95% positive.

I am delighted for you all - just reflecting a bit on what happened in our situation about a year in and wondering how it could have been avoided. The person we took in came with trauma and that lack of secure base meant we had different assumptions. Therapy has helped. I wouldn’t change any of the decisions I made, and we navigated, but I was a bit naive/lacked understanding about the impact his past had on his relationship with our family.

Having said that I am super delighted for him and all of you. Enjoy the celebrations. It sounds like he hit the jackpot with your family.

That’s amazing!

Building a relationship is obviously the most important thing.
Personally I wouldn’t give a teenager much money because it’s not good for them.
I would however buy him things he needs if he wants that. Things like driving lessons would probably be way out of his reach. You should check with his mum first though really.

Lovely 😊 you sound like a wonderful family , good luck 🍀
Heart-warming story.
Enjoy making memories.

You are right to think buying things is inappropriate. It smacks of trying to salve one’s conscience with mere ‘stuff’ and what’s more it could look insensitive to his mums previous best efforts. What you should do instead is give him a large cash sum to put in a savings account. At his age it will soon prove helpful in probably quite big life improvements. Maybe funding some study, driving lessons and a car or getting his own place at some point. There’s a huge amount of financial and emotional ‘making up’ to do of course but I think just ‘buying stuff’ is a bit piecemeal and almost patronising to his mother in the circumstances. A much bigger and more relevant investment in terms of his future is what’s called for.
Enjoy your new enhanced family Op. He sounds like an absolutely lovely young man. It’s especially life enhancing for his younger half brother I’m sure. What lad doesn’t want a kind and enthusiastic big brother!

I’ve been in this situation. DH had a surprise daughter come into our lives at a similar age.
Everything went really fast at the start, she was keen to get to know her dad and the extended family, but after a few months she seemed to lose interest.

She’s a lovely woman, and we see her a few times a year, but the relationship is not what my husband hoped for. Sadly 16 missed years can’t be undone.

Hopefully this doesn’t happen for you OP, but just try to slow down and not get carried away with what might be - in your OP you said YOU have another child, and while it’s lovely if you do feel like that, you don’t.
Your husband needs to get to know his child with AND without the rest of you.
Adding him to the group chat seems very premature.
It’s a lot of pressure for a young person (or anyone!) to suddenly have a whole other family and their dynamics to think about. There are five people involved with complex feelings. Rushing things could make things much harder in the long run.