Are you friends with your DCs partners parents?

We got married a long time ago without telling anyone first, to avoid the big day with difficult families on both sides. They’ve still never met. 😆

I wasn’t meaning you tbh OP, I meant the PPs who are actively avoiding their in laws and even think it’s an invasion of privacy to have a relationship with them 😳😳

I really like both my children's partners parents.
I too am alone and we have limited family here. I don't love big gatherings either, but we do all meet for kids birthdays and some holidays.

OP, you'll have to find a comfortable compromise. I'm sure there is some middle ground with the parents? Perhaps a lunch out with the kids, or an afternoon doing something fun?
The more you can find a common space, the easier it will be for you in the future.

Do you get on with your son's girlfriend?

I think society doesn't cope well with single, middle aged women. It sucks, it's unfair, but sadly I do think that is just the way it is

DH and I knew DS ex GF parents, the Mum and I went to lunch a few times. We each hosted BBQ in the summer. We were at the point where we were all going to meet up this summer in our respective motorhomes and caravans for a weekend at a campsite. Her Mum and I were not similar in many respects but both chatty and got on very well.

Me too. I understand of course there are always scenarios where two sets of parents don't get on or it's not appropriate for them to meet up etc etc.

What I find weird like you is, if there are no specific circumstances, this whole attitude of not seeing any reason to be friends, not seeing any point of making an effort and seeing making friends with your child's in-laws as some sort of burden and massive hassle. Yes of course some people might not get on but to just dismiss it offhand I find really particular especially when children are involved.

I have lovely photos and memories of my son sitting with both his grandmother's at a recent mother's day lunch and him walking ahead holding both their hands and I felt lucky to have that joint family relationship. My dad has also been recently for a major operation due to cancer and my in-laws have been so supportive to my mum, sending cards, texts and care packages. I think everyone would be missing out if one set had just decided to not bother making an effort or there was no need to be friends with each other. And I hope it's the same for us when our son is older.

I wouldn’t worry. Mn is full of people who struggle with relationships. whose main ambition is never to open their doors or get off the sofa, who regard the school run as some kind of torture, and regard friends as sources of ‘drama’. It’s not representative.

I was for 10yrs from when they met at 16 but they've split up now and I've not kept in touch.

I really hope my boys meet people with sociable parents - I don’t get the weird attitudes of some of the people on this thread 😄

My parents are friends with my in laws and my sisters in laws and our parents socialise together. I think it’s nice.

DM and DMIL have an independent relationship via WhatsApp where they gossip disapprovingly about us 😂. DF and DFIL get on when they see each other but don't actively stay in contact. They generally all see one another at Christmas and DM and DMIL will see each other a few times in between as SIL and I arrange days out to do mum friendly things like Chelsea flower show and invite them.

I'm lucky in that my in-laws and parents get on very well together, particularly our mums. They give each other cards and presents and we all spend joint mothers day/fathers day/dc birthday* *and Christmas's together. Both sets of parents do a day childcare for us each and it's handy if they need to swap a day, they will just arrange it themselves with me the last to know!

My MIL also gets on very well with her other sons daughters family too and so do I! In fact when my BIL and SIL got married, my SILs dad mentioned me and my husband in his father of the bride speech that we were now part of the family too! I get on very well with my SILs sister, brother and her brothers wife and we are also in a group chat and I have her cousin on Facebook too!

I appreciate it's maybe not the normal for most people but I grew up with both sets of families knowing each other and getting on so for me I'm glad it's worked out well for me and my husbands family too.

My brother has a girlfriend who he has been with for about 8 years. Despite the fact he's close with my parents and sees them every week, they've not seem his girlfriend in about 2 years (no idea why) and my parents have never met her parents but that's just how it is for them.

Nearly 20 years together and our parents have met probably less than five times.

However if you want to be buddies and they want to be buddies you just need to try and find a way that fits you both. Maybe group meal out rather than a party, lunch trips.

Friendly not friends.

I've just been to stay with my son's in-laws in foreign land for six weeks! They are really lovely and want to see me as an extension of their family and that is what I want from them as well. I don't want there to be a difference between us, I don't want them to be invited to things and not me or vice versa. I don't want the relationship my mum had with my mother-in-law where it was very stiff and stilted. I want us to be friends as they are their family of the woman my son loves and any grandchildren they have.

My son's girlfriend has lived with us for a year. Her mum lives about 15 mins walk away
She and I bumped into each other outside my house, said hello, exchanged a pleasantry or two and that was that.

OP - i hate big loud gatherings and swerve them. I know people love them but they make me feel uncomfortable and stressed yet there is always an assumption that I'm grumpy and ungrateful. I don't invite people to come and sit in a library.

DD lives 10mins down the road from her partner's family, every weekend they have a big family dinner. I live two hours away and when I come to stay her PIL always invite me. For Christmas they gave me a very expensive bottle of gin, which was very lovely but unexpected. It didnt even occur to me to buy her PIL a present.

My PIL lived abroad so only met my parents a handful of times (generally special occassions).

DS's wife's mother sent me a FB request before they were engaged. I asked DS to explain that my FB had about 14 friends, some of whom I went to school with and was a largely private group. I compromised and invited her to LinkedIn.

Good grief, is there any wonder some of these kids are desperate to be embraced and welcomed by other families?! 🤣

Never read anything like it.

My in laws and parents get on well and are in each other’s company via us a few times a year, but they don’t socialise together away from us or anything. Relatives of my in laws became best pals with their son’s wife’s parents and they socialised together all the time for years. Then when the son and wife had a bitter divorce it was horrendous for them and they basically lost a whole circle of pals. Better to keep a friendly distance in my view.

Why don’t you just say you’re not for the party life, but you’d love to go for lunch/brunch/out for a roast with them one weekend?

I understand you feel like your son has dropped you, but if it’s just been the two of you for a long time, perhaps he’s just excited and embracing the feel of a busy and sociable family. If they all love him too, and want to be around him and include him, you can’t really hold that against him, surely?

Perhaps you’re not a drinker or a party person, but presumably these people also eat and exercise, so you could suggest a nice walk and lunch at a cafe or something.

I think you’re unfairly framing this as being “dropped” by your son, when by your own admission, you’re introverted and prefer not to do stuff. He just wants to be embraced and included by his partners family, and they seem to want to do that!

Can you maybe arrange a meet up for a coffee just with the wife and say you really appreciate their friendship, but that you suffer from social anxiety and you find big gatherings very stressful? Maybe invite them on their own, or just with your kids, for a meal out, at a quiet restaurant you are familiar with? That way it's clear you're not being deliberately antisocial, that you do want a relationship, but it has to suit your needs too.

Assorted relationships with DSs’ in-laws. (Or out-laws as no marriages).

DS1 has a son who is half Brazilian and though we rarely see the Brazilian grandparents we keep in touch and are very fond of their extended family.

DS2 has been with his delightful partner for about six years, She has no kids of her own but is adored by DS2’s other children. Her family are part of the large Italian community in our town and we see her parents fairly frequently and we are invited to big Italian “do’s”.

DS2’s three children are more complicated.

His eldest son was born when he was 20. The mum had no wish to prolong the relationship so we did not meet this grandson until he was 19. He introduced himself to his dad, who brought him to meet us and he has been a very close and much loved member of the family ever since.

Unfortunately his mum has absolutely no desire to have any dealings with us or his father. Fair enough. But we are very friendly with his grandad, father of his mum. The mum now has two daughters. She and her husband did a fantastic job bringing up our eldest grandson, we are so lucky. We have never met the little girls.

Finally DS2 also has two younger children who are half Saint Helenian (a very remote island in the Atlantic) and we are very fond of their other grandparents who live locally and the kids dote on their big half brother.

So we have quite a diverse selection of in-laws and now we also have DGS’s Cypriot girlfriend in the mix. Thank God everyone likes each other, hence we regularly take any of them who want to come on family holidays and they pile in here for family meals.

We are indeed very lucky.