Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

Agree three as well.

i will look into babysitters but have never had my kids watched by someone I don’t know.

I always find this such a bizarre statement. You do realise that all of us who use babysitters (either paid childcare or swapped favours) don't leave our dc with people we don't know ???

Is there a reason that no-one from your partner's side of the family couldn't help you if the situation arises ? I presume, as you have known him for two decades, you will know his family, and you will have joint, long standing friends.

I don't understand why it is a binary choice between your mother or your ex.

Honestly reading more of the responses. I think it’s crazy to not have your partner there when having the baby. I couldn’t even imagine this!! and so he can watch your ex husbands kids because it’s not your ex husbands weekend. Craziness. X

You could use that logic for any time the OP wanted him to look after them outside of their arrangement though

I agree that he's clearly pissed off at your new relationship (and if there was overlap this will be x100) and is making things difficult out of spite. That's not great of him, but humans are a spiteful race

I think it’s a shame that coparents can’t help one another out in situations like this. His children are going to have a half sibling - their mum is in hospital having a baby. You’d think he would do this for you and for them. I hope you get something sorted. And I don’t think it’s bad of you to ask. I think it’s a shame he isn’t willing to help, you may not be in a relationship but surely his children are the main concern and when their mother is in hospital having a baby you’d think he’s step in. Also you’d think he’d jump at getting to see them some extra days! . X

Does your partner have any family?

It doesn’t sound as if ex or mum are a good idea with massive distances and convoluted travel involved. Can you ask a local friend instead?

Are we really suggesting that women are unreasonable for not feeling a-ok to go into major surgery and the birth of their child alone here? I'm really shocked at how many are so quick to minimise ops feelings and the fact her oh could miss the birth of his child. God forbid but if op is unwell during/ after the section her partner should be there to care for the baby.

Because op is getting an unfair flaming here including people accusing her of having had an affair and leaping rapidly into bed with a new man and denying her kids access to their dad and moving so far away to be mean and what about the poor ex husbands feelings.

Op I think you are being reasonable to ask him to look after his kids in this scenario. If you had caused the breakup or had an affair I'd probably be inclined to say that was CF territory to ask, but if he's essentially ended your marriage and left you no choice but to move in order to house yourself and your kids then I don't think he gets to cry victim when you eventually move on with your life and he should (as should you) be prioritising what is best for the kids. And what's best is that they stay with a caregiver who you both know is safe and who they are comfortable with. It does seem like he's throwing his toys out purely because this is to do with your new life without him.

However, he's clearly choosing to be difficult so I'd be looking into other paid options and building up to that by having whoever you employ to be around your kids and make sure everyone is happy well in advance of the birth. If you have 3 months then that's a good amount of time to find someone and do the prep work. Then at least you'll have the local childcare lined up for future.

I'm sure he's an absolute arsehole, but he's not the one asking for a favour unfortunately.

You're asking him to look after his own children. Not unreasonable. In fact when my ex's partner had pregnancy complications in the night they dropped both our daughter and her daughter (not his child) off at my house because I was the closest, until grandma could make it the next day. It was an emergency and priority is always the children.

@Alicejuniper i don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He is their father. If one parent can’t look after them then the other one should. Also if I were him, I’d personally want the kids with me so I could make sure they felt happy and loved, and weren’t having any insecurities about the new baby.

my job as a parent is to support the emotional well-being of my kids. Not stick blindly to some childcare rota. Also it’s heartless to expect someone to miss the birth of their own child to look after his children.

id find another way. Your OH needs to be there. Start using childminders now so you find one you like.

Elcs is extremely safe, and while nothing is without risk you may as well say that a parent needs to look after the child everytime the other one does anything with any risk. Skiing, sky diving, riding a motor bike.

I think it's an unreasonable request given the distance and he will likely be working.

Why haven't you lined up alternative local child care as backup in case your mom is watching other kids?

But his children are his responsibility. Ultimately, if your health means you’re unable to look after them and require emergency health treatment - the question you’ve asked is would he step up as their dad. His answer is no.
Personally I would hear him when he speaks. No point holding out for a yes if he’s going to be unreliable on the day.

He barely sees his children as it is. You'd think he would be happy to spend more time with them, but he'd rather have another man look after HIS children just so the OP doesn't have his support giving birth and the new partner can't see his child being born. That is the highest level of pettiness.

If it doesn’t matter, why mention it?

I don't want to be depressing or fatalistic, but any surgery comes with potential complications. I'd like to think that most parents would want their children with them if there's any chance that their other parent could be iller than expected or need additional care. It's a worrying time for children when their primary carer is incapacitated and being with a parent should be the default if at all possible.

@Alicejuniper

you are not being unreasonable!!

As a parent, you will be physically unable to look after your child, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't ask that child's other parent.

If at all possible the child's other parent should be willing to look after their own child when you are unable to.

Your new partner shouldn't have to miss the birth of his child to look after another man's child because the other man is throwing a strop.

It is somewhat complicated by you moving away, but that's not his main issue is it? He would be saying the same if you were living next door. There's a reason he's an ex!!

It would be nice if he was willing to do this for you but he doesn't have to and tbh your split seems messy so I'm not sure what you expected.

If he was the one that moved 2hrs away with a long term friend turned new partner and had a surprise baby on the way and asked his ex wife to cover for this labour people would be slating him for asking and expect him to find his own back up childcare.

How old are your children? You have three months to figure and find another solution, can you ask their schools for any recommendations of local childminders or babysitters?

Had you just shacked up with one of your old friends and moved him in with your kids too? Very kind of him if so.