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Original poster

Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

295 replies

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:29

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

OP posts:
EdgyGreyUser · 08/04/2025 20:26

Alicejuniper · 08/04/2025 19:26

Oh is not refusing. Where have I said that?? He has said he will. He is actually being incredibly kind and nice about it. He will do what he has to do.

Show quote history

It was the way I had read it.

PassingStranger · 08/04/2025 19:54

Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 19:37

You're asking him to look after his own children because of a potential emergency situation. Would he be as difficult if you were asking because of a house fire, or a death in the family? He's seeing this through an entirely different lens - you need to correct his vision.

Probably the new partner has told him this.

EilishMcCandlish · 08/04/2025 19:49

Because this is about releasing the new partner to be with the OP.

So a 'stepparent' here has greater obligation to look after these children than their own father does. Yet all over the stepparenting boards, women are told to butt out, not your kids, not your problem.

This smacks to me of a man who is punishing his ex for having the temerity to move on quickly from what sounds like a pretty unpleasant marriage. If he had been any kind of decent father/co-parent, he would have ensured that both of them were able to live close together so he could properly co-parent. Instead of leaving her in a position where she was financially hamstrung into having to move away.

The ex sounds like an arse.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 08/04/2025 19:26

EdgyGreyUser · 08/04/2025 19:23

I understood that her other half is refusing to looked her kids whilst she in labour.

Show quote history

Oh is not refusing. Where have I said that?? He has said he will. He is actually being incredibly kind and nice about it. He will do what he has to do.

OP posts:
EdgyGreyUser · 08/04/2025 19:23

QuirkInTheMatrix · 07/04/2025 19:33

ask him what on earth he means by it’s not his responsibility as it’s not his kid. You’re asking him to look after his own kids not the new baby! Point out the older kids aren’t OH’s kids so why should he look after them? Would your ex prefer the kids are left home alone? If you were rushed into hospital really poorly for non pregnancy reasons would he refuse to look after his kids because it wasn’t his weekend? Idiot.

I understood that her other half is refusing to looked her kids whilst she in labour.

Whyamiherenow · 08/04/2025 19:00

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to ask ex h to look after his children (I presume they are his children you are referring to) while you go to hospital with your partner to have another baby. I know it isn’t the same but when I was pregnant with my son, my husbands ex wife offered to come and collect their daughter if I went in to labour during her time with us. She lives around an hour away from us. But we had another back up plan etc. as husbands mum and my parents all live in the same village as us. It was unnecessary in the end but I thought it was lovely and it showed she was putting the needs of her daughter first in everything.

BigFatLiar · 08/04/2025 18:34

Does your ex have support at his end eg parents, who could help him. If so perhaps he could take the children the weekend before and keep them till after you're out of hospital.

saffy2 · 08/04/2025 17:44

My ex husband was my back up childcare in labour. And we don’t even have that great a relationship. It didn’t end up happening because my mother in law took him so it was fine. But I think it’s a bit horrible to say no personally. I’d do
it for
him too, especially if it was my kid!!

CarpetKnees · 08/04/2025 17:33

Miaowzabella · 08/04/2025 17:07

How is it 'not his responsibility' to look after his own children when their other parent is not available? It's not as if he actually did a 50/50 share of parenting most of the time!

Because this is about releasing the new partner to be with the OP.

Which, if I were the OP, I would also 100% want my partner there.
But it seems to have come as a surprise to the OP when it was suggested that someone from the new partner's family might be asked to help out, or one of his friends.

If the OP is rushed in, in an emergency, before the date of her arranged C section, then the best option is surely going to be someone who can get there in under the 2 hours + that both her Mum and ex would take.

In such emergency circumstances, I think I would help out any neighbour or fellow school Mum, as would most normal people, until the OP's Mum was able to get there. The OP has 3 months (hopefully) to chat to people she knows and sound out who might be willing to be on standby in case of emergency. So she doesn't have to rely on someone traveling so far, to be able to get there. Nothing to do with whatever the relationship is.

Miaowzabella · 08/04/2025 17:07

How is it 'not his responsibility' to look after his own children when their other parent is not available? It's not as if he actually did a 50/50 share of parenting most of the time!

Lollypop701 · 08/04/2025 16:35

i can’t believe that asking the dad to have his kids whilst you are having a baby is wrong… they are his children and his responsibility too.

you moved 2 hours away to house your kids in a decent home and area. No tilts not perfect but needs must.

what would have been the opinion if the new baby dad wasn’t around and your mum couldn’t come? It’s ok for the kids to go into care? What about if mum is seriously ill? I really don’t get the vitriol

it wasn’t an affair, the marriage ended and imo your ex has no reason to not have his children when mum can’t be there… it’s just spiteful to stop you new partner being with you for support

Gogogo12345 · 08/04/2025 12:20

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 23:04

Or.... rather than moving your dc 2hrs to your new partners....you consider them first?

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So where was she supposed to take them as she couldn't afford to live near their dad?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/04/2025 09:27

Hire a local babysitter to do a few short jobs minding the children.

Ask on your local fb page, someone will help, obviously ask around about the person you're choosing.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 08/04/2025 09:24

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 09:15

Is there any chance that as your due date gets closer you could basically all camp out at mums? Because if it’s going to be such an experience you won’t be out the next day either by the sounds of it.

Each hospital has its own policy on visiting hours for partners.

though that would put you two hours away from your chosen hospital. Hmm.

It is this whole two hour thing really. Either of your people are two hours away.

Edited

No i am likely to be in a for a few days. I was in for nearly a week all in all with my last baby. Oh will be the one looking after the kids when my mum leaves or if I go into labour before cs date while I am in hospital that was always the plan. Ex was never going to be bothered unless emergency

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicejuniper · 08/04/2025 09:21

Elunajeya · 08/04/2025 09:14

They were not ‘aloud’ for some of the time, no.

sorry for the misspelling. My brain is all over the place.

from what I remember it was always policy that the6 were there at the birth just not afterwards and sometimes not during early labour.

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 09:15

Is there any chance that as your due date gets closer you could basically all camp out at mums? Because if it’s going to be such an experience you won’t be out the next day either by the sounds of it.

Each hospital has its own policy on visiting hours for partners.

though that would put you two hours away from your chosen hospital. Hmm.

It is this whole two hour thing really. Either of your people are two hours away.

Elunajeya · 08/04/2025 09:14

They were not ‘aloud’ for some of the time, no.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 08/04/2025 09:12

Elunajeya · 08/04/2025 09:06

Although this is something we may have to do I am curious how many women would actually be ok with there oh not being able to be at the birth of their child and potentially not see them for hours after they are born?

I had to do it in lockdown as did many others.

You’ll be fine.

did you have a severe pph and potentially a hysterectomy? This is what very much could happen to me. Saying I’ll be fine so casually when you have zero knowledge of what my birth is likely to look that. It is incredibly scary especially as the longer I have been pregnant the more info I have gotten about the birth the more quite worried I have been.

and also as far as I am aware fathers were aloud at the birth and for a few hours afterwards

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 08/04/2025 09:09

This kid may not be his.

But the others are. The ones you’re asking him to parent.

Ask him if he’s saying the kids should stay with a step parent instead of their biological parent then?

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 09:08

I think it’s life for many not first time mums who don’t have a local support system as well as military wives or women who have husbands that just work far away or have to travel for work.

Men in the delivery room wasn’t even a thing at one point. During a c section there really isn’t much he can do either and if they end up having to put you under he won’t be in the room either.

Elunajeya · 08/04/2025 09:06

Although this is something we may have to do I am curious how many women would actually be ok with there oh not being able to be at the birth of their child and potentially not see them for hours after they are born?

I had to do it in lockdown as did many others.

You’ll be fine.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 08/04/2025 09:05

SpainToday · 08/04/2025 08:56

Absolutely

Show quote history

Although this is something we may have to do I am curious how many women would actually be ok with there oh not being able to be at the birth of their child and potentially not see them for hours after they are born? I can’t imagine many people would be thrilled with it.

also I am likely to have a pph with this pregnancy have been told that my likelihood of needing a transfusion is incredibly high so the thought of potentially being completely on my own with a new baby isn’t exactly the best thing. If it has to happen it has to happen but I honestly don’t think anyone can say that oh should be default childcare

OP posts:
SpainToday · 08/04/2025 08:56

yossell · 07/04/2025 22:46

But you have childcare covered - your oh can do it. In effect, you're asking him to do a favour for your oh who would like to attend the birth.

Yeah, I can see his point...

Absolutely

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 08/04/2025 08:32

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 08:18

You say temp accommodation wouldn’t have been a good thing to do however what if this relationship breaks down. Now two hours away three children and then you still need temporary accommodation before getting council help?

I know council houses can be like rocking horse shit but you’d of been right at the top of the list, homeless two young children and unless in my sleepy haze I read it wrong previously someone has a disability/medical issue?

Where’s currently you are once again beholden to a home on being with a man.

In the place we just recently moved into I could afford it on my own which is something that was importnat to me. I am obviously hoping that eventually I will have more of a support network the longer I am here.

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 08:26

And by 2 hours away I mean from what seems your only support / family of your mum and sibling.