Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

It’s more that actions have consequences. She has made it pretty much impossible for her children’s dad to be emergency childcare. This is mainly by moving so far away but also by souring their relationship by jumping straight into the next relationship and starting a new family. Doing that is a statement too. Maybe it is punishing but it’s also a natural consequence.

Your comment rather proves my point. Posters (and the ex) on behalf of the ex see this as an opportunity for OP to be punished by the consequences of what you all represent as her infidelity to her ex’s fatherly rights to both divorce and unhouse her and also receive her permanent support facilitating his contact with the children.

It’s not even a question of “supportive” or not supportive.” This is a total red herring. He isn’t asked to “support “ her but his own children. Whether she moved away right away, got pregnant now or in ten years after the split, really doesn’t affect the ex’s position as a father towards his children.

The children’s main parent, with whom they live more or less full time, is having a potential life threatening surgery followed by a debilitated recovery. What parent wouldn’t want to be there for their children? If the resident parent father asked the ex wife “can you cover for me while I have major abdominal surgery so the kids don’t freak out” would we all say “fuck no let the OW handle the kids—you made your bed?” I wouldn’t.

It’s not a hatred for women with second families but in less than year OP has broken up with her children’s dad, moved 2 hours away with their kids (one is even a toddler) to live with her new boyfriend and is now pregnant with the new boyfriend. If I was the ex and parent of those children I wouldn’t be particularly supportive either and I don’t blame him for not dropping everything so that his ex wife’s new boyfriend don’t miss the birth. It’s all so very messy and I can see why emotions could get in the way of logic.

His mum being the emergency makes much more sense as she’s closer you’ve shaved a whole hour of the wait should you need it.

Absolutely not your ex's responsibility. Of course he is their Father and should have them more than EOWE but from the sounds of it, you've moved his children 2 hours away from him and now you expect him to drop everything to help you when you go into labour.

Even though it's his own child he needs to parent?

I am sorry for the oddly cruel and dismissive replies here. An odd mix of be-a-superwoman misogyny, anti second step parent sentiment, and that weird mumsnet hate for women who have second relationships (and new families) while having minor children. I am so glad you have found a good solution with your new mother in law.

Brilliant news! I hope you can relax a bit now you know you've got a good back up.
I hope it all goes well, good luck.

I really just don’t get EX-DH point, it’s HIS children that you are asking for help and HIS children that will be impacted by any emergency arrangements. I have been in this situation in reverse as the step-mum and wouldn’t hesitate to make sure the children were put first.

I wonder if you need to replay this to him along lines of….

1. I am asking for your help to support your children should an emergency situation a rise and I am incapacitated.
2. the alternative is that your children may need to be looked after by a stranger should my DM to be able to arrive on time - all of this at as time when they will already feel worried and concerned.
3. if the ask was the other way around, I would do this in a heartbeat as my children’s welfare are my number 1 concern - not trying to get one over on my ex.

I hope your arrangements go to plan, you have a safe birth and you can store this one away when he’s after any favour. It’s clear why he’s the Ex!

I agree. I can see why the ex doesn’t feel inclined to fall in with all this. 🤷‍♀️

It doesn't matter whether you are being unreasonable or not because he has said no.

Do you have any friends you can ask?

I’m not saying you that you have explicitly restricted his access, but de facto your actions have had the same effect.

My ex wife did a very similar thing, moved two hours away to be with her new partner, the result of which was that I could no longer see my daughter during the week, as I work an hour in the opposite direction (and I also have a new family where I am). And we do exactly the same or similar things you do, school holidays are a 50:50 split and we regularly swap weekends to accommodate the other’s plans.

I went from seeing my daughter 12 days a month to 4 (which btw greatly upset her). If she’d made the same request you did, I would have told her to jog on, I would have helped if she’d stayed nearer, and part of the reduction in cost of of moving away was the risk she has no free emergency childcare nearby and would have to pay for it if needed.

Did you leave him for the new partner you have known for decades?

If you did, very insensitive to ask.

If not, he is being unreasonable, they’re his children.

i absolutely hate this attitude that some divorced parents have. “Oh it’s not my daaaaay to have the kids!” Why aren’t you fighting to have them with you as much as you can? Why don’t you want to spend additional time with them??

Its clear from MN that a lot of separated parents actually fight to have the children as little as they can?

i absolutely hate this attitude that some divorced parents have. “Oh it’s not my daaaaay to have the kids!” Why aren’t you fighting to have them with you as much as you can? Why don’t you want to spend additional time with them??

I think OP is a bit of a CF in this scenario but at the same time I don’t really understand why the dad isn’t desperate to have the kids. Damn right I’d be taking my kids rather than letting some stepparent effort do it instead.

Lots of separated couples need their heads banging together when it comes to this issue. I know a woman who wouldn’t collect her poorly child from school because “it’s his day, not mine” (he was at work and uncontactable). His new girlfriend stepped in and did it instead. Yeah. Great. Well done both parents.

Well his hardly going to be much use a two hour drive away in an actual emergency. You’ve got to call, then they have to say leave work, then start the 2 hour journey. Same with her mum tbh.

If you end up in an emergency C-section it’s going to be done before either arrive.

Why are people saying the father shouldn’t be asked to look after his own children?

You have said your partner isn’t close to his family but surely he has someone who would help.
You can’t expect your mum to rely on public transport. Your ex might be at work and need to sort things out before leaving work ( that’s if he is willing to travel and help you and it sounds like he isn’t). Surely the best scenario is either your partner looks after your DCs or he finds someone to help.

‘Not his kid’ 😂 Has he forgotten about the two who are his kids??!! Maybe put it to him that his children will have no-one to look after them when you’re in hospital so he needs to step up?

Unfortunately though, it sounds as though he’s not going to be reliable and you may have to plan for the worst. Is there a friend locally/not so locally who could help in an emergency if your mum can’t?

No, your OH should not have to miss the birth, your ex deadbeat selfish father should step up and parent his children.

YABU.

Presumably you moved 2 hours away from him restricting his access to his kids and now because of that you find yourself without support. You should sort out your own childcare and not expect him to backstop you.

Or to put another way, you can’t have your cake and eat it.

I think yabu to expect your ex to be able to cover - if he can the. That would be helpful but you need someone reliable close by who can be flexible.
The alternative is you go to hospital on your own; could your mum use a taxi to allow your partner to attend?
If you know you’re having a c-section then maybe it will become elective and you can organise cover ahead of time.