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Original poster

Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

295 replies

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:29

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:25

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:18

But you still choose to have a baby in a new relationship and to put that on your existing children. The fact that it was an accident doesn't make it better! It's all pretty crap tbh

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Yeah it is and it looks like oh may just miss the birth of what will likely be his only child which is what is just gonna have to happen and is just life.

I accept that this is not the best situation and it’s just gonna be something we will have to play by ear.

i will look into babysitters but have never had my kids watched by someone I don’t know.

OP posts:
orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 20:21

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:14

Because men are not robots and they have feelings too no matter how much we like to hate them generally speaking.

I wouldn’t be making an ex’s life easy after he shacked up with a new women hours away. On his time would be his bloody problem.

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I don’t hate men. I don’t hate my ex who very happily watched OUR child while I went and had my baby and even brought a gift to the hospital for her.

It’s sad when grown adults can’t put their feelings to one side for their own dc. Luckily it seems that op has a good oh who will step in and look after them when their dad won’t, even if it means him missing the birth of his own dc.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:21

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:17

How old are the other children who now barely get to see their other parent…

They saw their dad the exact same amount they do now then when we lived closer. Which was his choice.

OP posts:
ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:19

I don't understand why you can't find a babysitter before then?

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:18

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:16

I understand the emotions. The pregnancy was not planned. I hoped it woildnt come down to it and baby stays put to my csection
date which he probably will. This really was a last case thing if we really needed someone else to do it and my family couldn’t

But you still choose to have a baby in a new relationship and to put that on your existing children. The fact that it was an accident doesn't make it better! It's all pretty crap tbh

McGregor33 · 07/04/2025 20:17

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:05

there was no affair.

once everything was settled financially (I continued to live in the family home which was rented for a bit) i could not afford to where I was. It is probably one of the most expensive places in the country. We would have probably ended up having to go into emergency housing so us moving down here made sense. I do understand where people are coming from though with the travel though.

i can see I am being very unreasonable and oh can just be childcare if my mum can’t do it. I genuinely feel bad if I was being insensitive. I just thought as it was his child and j am so fair with him and would come get the kids In a heartbeat if he needed to.

I wouldn’t say your unreasonable, I took our children when ex’s partner was in labour, I also took her oldest child. They’re my children too and even although it was his weekend with them, I wouldn’t like either of them to miss out on the birth of their child. I don’t like my ex husband but his now ex partner has always been amazing. I live just under an hour and a half’s drive away as well.

Your not asking him to take on any of your other children, your asking him to help with his children. He really does need to remember that.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:17

How old are the other children who now barely get to see their other parent…

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:16

I understand the emotions. The pregnancy was not planned. I hoped it woildnt come down to it and baby stays put to my csection
date which he probably will. This really was a last case thing if we really needed someone else to do it and my family couldn’t

OP posts:
ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:15

orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 20:11

He wouldn’t be the one in surgery would he? She can’t physically look after her other dc while she’s in the middle of a Caesarian section ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you’d been admitted to hospital in an emergency situation would he be doing this? No. It’s because it’s a new baby with a new man and he’s being awkward. Who else should be looking after HIS kids in this situation?

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If he was having surgery on his day it would still be for him to organize it. Because it's his day.

The fact that she's having a child that she chose to have in a new relationship with a man she moved in too soon, two hours away from him is not his emergency to solve.

She's got three months to find a babysitter.

CaramelGhost · 07/04/2025 20:14

I think he's being a nob.

The reality is, if the primary care giver is in hospital for whatever reason, OF COURSE the other parent should step up if needed.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:14

orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 20:11

He wouldn’t be the one in surgery would he? She can’t physically look after her other dc while she’s in the middle of a Caesarian section ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you’d been admitted to hospital in an emergency situation would he be doing this? No. It’s because it’s a new baby with a new man and he’s being awkward. Who else should be looking after HIS kids in this situation?

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Because men are not robots and they have feelings too no matter how much we like to hate them generally speaking.

I wouldn’t be making an ex’s life easy after he shacked up with a new women hours away. On his time would be his bloody problem.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:13

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2025 20:06

This isn’t really an unexpected emergency, it’s you deciding to have a baby. You are also 2 hours away which hardly makes it easy for him to be emergency care.

have you also hinted that you expect him to do more in terms of travel during your recovery or while the baby is small?

Oh will continue to do the majority of the travel when it comes to the kids contact which he has been doing since I came down here. He down a four hour round around trip on the way there and then we meet half way on the way back. We would do the exact same thing when baby is born

OP posts:
orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 20:11

PeloMom · 07/04/2025 19:36

Why? Would op be UR if he was having a baby with a new wife and she was expected to use emergency leave to accommodate and said no?

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He wouldn’t be the one in surgery would he? She can’t physically look after her other dc while she’s in the middle of a Caesarian section ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you’d been admitted to hospital in an emergency situation would he be doing this? No. It’s because it’s a new baby with a new man and he’s being awkward. Who else should be looking after HIS kids in this situation?

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:10

pikkumyy77 · 07/04/2025 20:08

Its not fine if he declines.

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It is fine though. You feel it's not..but he has no obligation.

pikkumyy77 · 07/04/2025 20:08

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 19:34

It’s fine for you to ask him, but equally fine if he declines

Its not fine if he declines.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:08

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/04/2025 20:06

Your ex won't agree to look after his own kids while you, their only other parent, is incapacitated?
I mean well done you for making him an ex. Don't give him a choice. This is something he needs to do as their parent. Otherwise he is expecting your mother or their stepfather to cover for him.

It doesn't matter what the reason is - you needing surgery, having had an accident, giving birth. If you can't care for his kids temporarily it is his job to do so.

It’s though choice though isn’t it. Not a proper emergency and let’s face it emotions do impact how we react.

If his children truely needed him it sounds like he would be there but this is someone he loved who moved his children hours away to play families with a friend! Having a baby. He doesn’t owe her that favour of leaving work paid or unpaid because she’s having a new baby.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/04/2025 20:07

Did you move with your new oh or move to your new oh?

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:07

Whoarethoseguys · 07/04/2025 20:05

That isn't the same though.
It's physically impossible for the OP to look after the children when she is having a baby. If she can't look after them the responsibility falls on the father.
In the situation you describe I think the children would be better with the mother if the fathers ex was having a baby but if the mother said no the father would physically be able to care for them.
In OPs situation the mother can't care for them so their father should, they are not the responsibility of the OPs new partner.

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If they're having a child together he should be prepared to pick up the slack when he needs to. Especially if she's moved a four hour return trip away to be closer to him.

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2025 20:06

This isn’t really an unexpected emergency, it’s you deciding to have a baby. You are also 2 hours away which hardly makes it easy for him to be emergency care.

have you also hinted that you expect him to do more in terms of travel during your recovery or while the baby is small?

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/04/2025 20:06

Your ex won't agree to look after his own kids while you, their only other parent, is incapacitated?
I mean well done you for making him an ex. Don't give him a choice. This is something he needs to do as their parent. Otherwise he is expecting your mother or their stepfather to cover for him.

It doesn't matter what the reason is - you needing surgery, having had an accident, giving birth. If you can't care for his kids temporarily it is his job to do so.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:05

there was no affair.

once everything was settled financially (I continued to live in the family home which was rented for a bit) i could not afford to where I was. It is probably one of the most expensive places in the country. We would have probably ended up having to go into emergency housing so us moving down here made sense. I do understand where people are coming from though with the travel though.

i can see I am being very unreasonable and oh can just be childcare if my mum can’t do it. I genuinely feel bad if I was being insensitive. I just thought as it was his child and j am so fair with him and would come get the kids In a heartbeat if he needed to.

OP posts:
Whoarethoseguys · 07/04/2025 20:05

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 19:41

To be fair if the ex’s new girlfriend was having a baby OP would be told not to bend over backwards to accommodate him and that he needed to figure out childcare on his own time.

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That isn't the same though.
It's physically impossible for the OP to look after the children when she is having a baby. If she can't look after them the responsibility falls on the father.
In the situation you describe I think the children would be better with the mother if the fathers ex was having a baby but if the mother said no the father would physically be able to care for them.
In OPs situation the mother can't care for them so their father should, they are not the responsibility of the OPs new partner.

Penguinmouse · 07/04/2025 20:05

BigFatLiar · 07/04/2025 19:45

What's wrong with your current partner looking after them?

Well presumably her current partner wants to be there when his child is born…

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:05

Soone · 07/04/2025 20:01

What about if he had known the new wife for 20 years and they got pregnant within a year of getting together?

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Having the baby within a year! Not even just pregnant. I'd feel pretty strongly that if they're ready for a new kid they better be able to take care of the ones they already have on their days. Especially if it meant driving fours hours to accommodate because they'd chosen to move away.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 20:04

Do you mean you moved? If so I think you’re asking an awful lot. If you did move and took his kids two hours away from him, presumably to be with your very new man, you clearly don’t value his role as their dad and aren’t in a position to be asking him favours.

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