To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

Natural consequences.

I would just say in a calm way.

I am so sorry you feel that way. Life is going to be really hard for you with that kind of attitude.

She is old enough to understand that she will have hurt your feelings but I wouldn't make it about that. Why give her the power. Just give her the parental disapproval.

If she protests just say X (her name), you can't/ do not go round telling people they are fat / ugly etc.

As for you OP. Her comments say everything about her and nothing about you. Don't tie your opinion of yourself to other people's opinion of you.

I would take younger child out, If elder wants to come, say NO, "I don't want to go out with you, the bully, the name caller, the sniggering loud mouth.
I'll take Milly, she still loves me enough to be kind & care."

or, "No, you hurt me, I don't want to be around you right now You had better be careful little madame, no one will want to spend time with you if you make a habit of belittling people for your own pleasure.
Let's see what I could say about you.....Spotty? Braces train tracks? rubbish at sport, other, I could go on.
It may be true, but if you don't want to hurt people you don't make hurtful disparaging remarks about their size, their clothes, their race, their religion, their color, their friends/parents...."
You can stay at home & think about how your actions that made me cry

PS I'm fat as fuck and have always treated the word "fat" as just a descriptor around my boys - but they would never, ever - and I say this with certainty - say something so cruel to me. And my husband would never, ever let them get away with it if they did.

Christ, I would have descended like the Wrath of God if either of our DDs had ever intentionally insulted me like that. I would not have been tearful or playing the victim, or buying new clothes in the hope of 'pleasing' my 10 year old.

Children can only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

So, there needs to real anger and condemnation from you and your DH about her rudeness. Then there needs to be harsh sanctions. Followed by making it very clear that if she ever disrespects you in such a way again she'll be entering Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. There are two separate issues going on here. Obviously your having self esteem and confidence issues which aren’t easy to fix but maybe you need ti carve out some time for yourself and work on it.

the other issue which I do think you need to try and separate your personal hurt feelings from (although I appreciate that’s difficult when your feeling vulnerable) is your daughters ridiculously selfish and hurtful behaviour. I would be coming down on this like a tonne of bricks. Removal of privileges immediately. Make it absolutely crystal clear you will not tolerate her talking to you or anyone else, be it siblings, teachers or friends in this way. She’s showing you she has no respect for you and as she approaches the teen years this will only get worse. Time to take control back before she casts herself as a bully in secondary school.

How you didn't give her a proper bollocking for being so unkind I don't know. How your husband didn't...well I do know. He laughed along. She hasn't learned the mean words from him maybe, but she's definitely learned that being mean makes her dad laugh, and that's why she's doing it.

Someone else said this:“what did you just say to me?? How dare you speak to me like that. Apologise right now.” which I agree with. She doesn't get a pass because she's 10, because she was "only" roasting you, because you're normally soft on her, or because her dad lets her get away with it. She gets told off and starts to learn that being purposely mean is not a "joke" if not everyone is laughing. And sometimes, even when everyone is laughing, it still isn't a joke.

A natural consequence btw would be to rearrange the day out with your youngest and leave her at home with dad. But it's a bit late if you haven't already addressed this sternly, and it really sounds like you haven't.

Mean girls thrive on their appearances to their peers... take away her 'cool' items (I don't know what that is for your DD but usually brands or 'in fashion' clothing and accessories) until she behaves nicer.

At 10 she's not a tiny child 🙄. She should have learned by now that being nasty isn't clever.

A sit down, a few choice words in her shell like backed up with consequences if there's a repeat performance.

I would not tolerate this. I would explain why it’s not accrptable. If it was repeated there would be immediate consequences. Such as, if we were watching a film at home, she would have to leave the room till she apologized. Out at dinner, she would get no pudding etc.

i’m quite an easy going parent in some ways, but I absolutely expect my children to treat me with respect and decency and show a basic level of appreciation of me as their Mother.

Children need to learn to be well socialized to have good Relationships in their life, and one of the key ways to learn that is how they treat me.

10 is not a tiny child.

Why was your husband laughing about this and encouraging her? Even if he is giving the benefit of the doubt to her "just being honest" shtick, and even if he doesn't fully realize how much it hurt you, why didn't he parent his child? What happens when she says the same stuff to her teacher, or her friend's mum, or your MIL? Would he intercede and counsel/discipline her if she said this to someone else? If so, why are you the one exception that it's OK and encouraged/funny to abuse? Either way, he sounds like a shite parent as well as an unsupportive partner.

I don't buy the "just being honest" excuse at all - yes, she could say you're heavy or overweight if you are, and she can say this or that outfit makes you look heavier or is less flattering, but she told you you'll never be pretty and will always look fat and ugly? That's meanness/cruelty.

Yep as others have said have said the first time she said anything like that to me in public we’d all have left the restaurant, she’d have been in her room, no devices until she apologised.

If my partner had laughed I’d have dropped him off at the premier inn on the way home. I’m sure you look lovely but even if you’re the size of a mammoth that’s completely unacceptable.

Roasting is banned at my kids’ schools and we do not put up with it at home.

She’ll be starting her periods in a couple of years - let’s hope she doesn’t get spots/greasy hair/bloating!

There are two issues here. Your DDs behaviour and your reaction to it. She wanted a rise out of you, don't give it to her. It seems like you are believing what she said, this will only empower her but also teach her to take what others say to heart. For all you know someone may have said similar to her. So first thing you should do is rise above it and tell her you don't care if she thinks you are fat because you love yourself and that's all that matters.

I'm not sure if punishment by taking tech off her is the right option. I would go somewhere she normally would enjoy without her and when she questions it tell her you don't want to spend time with her because she said something mean and no-one wants to spend time with mean people. Tell her she is only making a fool of herself by saying those things.

In a day or two when all calms down I'd have a serious sit down with her about her motives and what else is going on with her. She is far too old to act like that but also very young and still vulnerable so there is something else at play here.

I'd have gone to London with the youngest and left her at home.

Not a single treat until she apologises and means it. Withdraw any privileges. You need to nip this in the bud right now!! Your H is a horrible prick.

You need to stamp on this behaviour immediately. Who are her friends in school, are they the sort that are going to turn into bullies? You need to punish her and your damned husband needs to step up.

Oh op! I know it’s hard not to take it personally but you mustn’t… she’s just ten! But old enough to know better, that’s for sure! That was nasty cruel behaviour by your dd, I hope you came down on her hard!
If it were me, I’d have taken your youngest out for the day and left eldest dd home with dh! Don’t feel guilty, she can’t treat people in that way! I’d also have a serious chat with dh, if he can’t help but laugh at those comments then I can see where she might get it from! It’s not funny, he should have your back!
Honestly, I’d leave them both home and spend time with your youngest out for the day! Don’t punish your youngest with no outing for something eldest dd did!!
Keep the clothes if you feel good in them! I bet you looked lovely!

I would sit her down and talk to her about there being consequences to the things she says.

1. You do not speak to your mother disrespectfully ever - it is unpleasant and hurtful and the consequences for this will be - whatever suitable punishment you feel - ie loss of screen time for x amount of time - not allowed to go somewhere - loss of pocket money etc
2. Speaking to anyone that way is not acceptable and if you find out she has been doing it there will be consequences
3. She is old enough to learn some age appropriate lessons about the impact of words on people https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-sz-002&ei=UTF-8&hsimp=yhs-002&hspart=sz&param1=359405026&gdpr=1&p=impact+of+words+video+for+age+10&type=type80260-2621657754#id=1&vid=85e1c62369bd397220399fa13f839dc5&action=click videos like this might help
4. Do you do discuss yourself in disparaging terms in front of her? Do not put yourself down.
5. Your husband joining in and laughing is absolutely appalling and you need to consider what the fuck you are doing with this twat. He should have instantly put a stop to it let alone join and not let her argue back.

No. Many of them haven't been taught to be positive, respectful human beings. For some it's about power and being dominant. A smaller sub group display narcissist tendencies.

This is happening because you allow it to. You have no boundaries or consequences.

You can play the victim and feel as low as you want, but that isn’t going to help.

You are reacting the wrong way. You are acting by hurt and like a victim and wanting to hide yourself away. Instead, you should be dealing with your bullying daughter. I’m a gentle parent and I don’t do punishing my kids but for something like this? It needs stopped immediately. She must never treat you this way again. This isn’t talking to her gently. Time to get a little mean.

You need to be much firmer with her. This appalling behaviour is not on. She is being extremely rude and hurtful and, if she carries on like this, will soon be getting into a lot of trouble. She knows your sensitive buttons and how to press them for maximum impact. You need to punish her very harshly if she says anything like this again. No gentle reproof - confiscation of treats and activities she enjoys.

What happens in the future if she herself becomes bigger, maybe after having children, or maybe when she’s a lot older? To be honest she might not even need to put on weight, just notice that there are some women who are thinner than her. Someone has told her that fat is ugly, and it’s not being challenged anywhere near hard enough. How she thinks she can talk to you now might be the way she talks to other girls now, but it will also be how she talks to herself in her head for the rest of her life. Bullies absolutely hate themselves - it’s why they do it.

you are seriously stopping family outings and fun because a tiny child said you were fat!!
deal with your husband first - he need to back you up then
deal with her rudeness
then if you still avoid social stuff talk to your gp