To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

Your daughter was very mean. She is on the way to becoming a bully.
Your husband is the only one who should pull her up - pointing out that she hurt another person by saying something mean.
He should ban her from watching any screens for the rest of the weekend. Next time your younger daughter gets a new dress or pair of jeans, the older DD should miss out.
Every time she is mean there should be a consequence.

Adressing how you feel.
You owe it to yourself to lose weight.
You are not doomed to be forever large and wearing clothes that do not inspire you.

Join a gym, without speaking about it with mean DD1, and dedicate yourself to attending twice per week and walking locally the other days.

Change your eating habits by not buying sugar nor anything sweet.

Eat twice as many vegetables and cut away visible fat from your meat. Drink more water.

Over the course of one year you might drop a couple of sizes and have more energy. You might also enjoy joining a group with a local dietition. You might enjoy the emotional support.

You need to reframe this OP. Your rude DD didn’t miss out because you were sad - it needs to be framed as a direct consequence of her actions.

”I’m not happy spending my leisure time with someone who’s being so rude to me” - that’s the line to take.

You need zero tolerance with ANY so-called roasting. And you need to have words with your DH - he’s encouraged this by laughing along. Not funny and not acceptable.

Your DD is still a child so this needs to be nipped in the bud now.

BTW, I love leggings and a tunic. Comfy and smart. Don’t ever compare yourself to others. Comparison is the thief of joy.

As I’ve said earlier in this thread, I don’t do punishments per se, but I do follow natural consequences. So you’d need to consider what those consequences are. It might be that you feel she’s being unduly influenced by what she sees online, so no internet access for a month. Or any fun trips that she’d like, you only take your younger child because if someone is spiteful and mean, why would you want to spend time with them?! Actions have consequences and she needs to learn this.

You can tell her you’re hurt while holding your head high. She might be very upset but she needs to learn that you don’t get to treat people like shit and get away with it.

The important thing is that you go on to give her an easy way to move past this so the situation doesn’t escalate and/or turn into a battle of wills. Once the natural consequences/punishment has played out, you talk to her and say it’s done now, you’re drawing a line under it, so no need for it to be mentioned again…..but you won’t accept any repeat of the behaviour. No exceptions. And just in case this occurs, that also means your DH doesn’t “roast” her as a joke (just in case that goes on!)

You need to take a strong line here OP, don’t let your own self-esteem issues cloud what’s going on. Good luck 💐

Just shows you how much expectations around children's behaviour have slipped over time.
My parents would have wiped the floor with me, if I said anything like that.

You have a DH problem too.

It is entirely her fault.

Very rude. I would have gone out with your youngest and left her behind with your DH.

How awful, if I were you I would keep the clothes as you brought them primarily for yourself. Wide leg trousers look great with heels, think you could try this too. It makes me look taller and helps with the extra weight I’ve gained in peri. Your post is so sad, start to take care of yourself for you! Going the gym or a class to help you lose weight. Good luck x

This is NOT the result of gentle parenting.

I’ve followed the principles of gentle parenting and hell would freeze over before either of my 15yr olds would speak to me like this.

I treat my DC with respect but I expect them to respect me in return. And they absolutely do. They’ve never thrown a strop at me and I can remember one occasion - and one occasion only - when DS took a slight tone with me, and he immediately apologised when I said “excuse me?”

Don’t mix up gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting has boundaries and expectations that are clearly communicated. Permissive parenting does not.

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling this low. But please try to channel your sadness into some sort of productive anger.

As parents, we are responsible for the children we are sending out into the world. If she is prepared to say this to you (and she is testing the waters here) then you can bet she is/will be saying this to other children who will be having their confidence broken even worse than yours, as an adult, has been. This is unacceptable behaviour and you must stamp it out now, along with your husband.

She needs humbling. First in a lecture about unkind words and rudeness, then in more practical lessons about what it means to be a good person (litter picking, making food for the homeless, charity fundraising etc).

Do not sit back and watch a bully being created.

Your husband needs to read him the riot act. The first time he came out with that misogynistic crap should have been the last.

Oh love, I’m so sorry this happened. It’s completely understandable you feel hurt - she was unnecessarily cruel and is old enough to know better. I think (hard as it may be) that you might need to find your anger - her seeing you upset obviously hasn’t gotten through, and so if she’s going to act like a bully, she needs consequences for behaving like one. Take away electronics, cancel special treats, hang outs with friends, whatever needs to be done to send the message that bullying anyone (but especially her own Mum!) will absolutely not be tolerated in your household. Over here we have a firm rule that no one ever comments on someone’s appearance - ever - unless it’s to say something kind about it. I would also be having a serious conversation with your husband about his initial encouragement/minimizing of the behavior and the importance of him and you now being an absolutely united front against this continuing, otherwise bigger conversations will need to be had there too.

And then once all of that is handled, I’d look at ways to improve her empathy (and hugely reward your little one for how kind they were to you when you were sad), whether that be through volunteering or conversations or random acts of kindness. I also wonder if she’s commenting on your appearance because she’s starting to worry about hers, although obviously that doesn’t make it okay. For what it’s worth, I bet you look beautiful in your old clothes and those new ones, and if you feel good in them, that’s all that matters. Don’t let a 10 year old who has seriously misfired with her humor/behavior take that joy from you. But please don’t hide away - the world is better for you being in it

You had a child with an unpleasant man and now you have an unpleasant child. No surprises there. I would be looking to minimise the time he spends with the younger one so they don't go the same way. Every other weekend sounds about right to me.

Keep the new clothes and wear them.

Tell your DD she is being a brat and why is 'fat' an insult?

Then tell her the reason you are fat is that you have grown and given birth to children and that happens.

And tell your DH he is also being a brat, he does not have the excise of being 10.

Yes this, no play dates no parties no social events, I’d be clear as your parents we need to keep you away from people who act like this. Up till now I’d have thought you understand it’s wrong but now we see that you don’t, so it’s really important we stop you from hanging out with them. If you want to take up a new sport etc we are ok with that.

She should definitely miss out!! Take your ds out, and tell her you choose not to do nice things for someone who says horrible things to you, she can stay home. Honestly I’d bring back chocolate or similar for everyone else- basically she’s grounded. and tell her you love her and you hope she learns how to treat people before her friends all do the same. Your dh should get absolute strips torn off him for having laughed and tell him it’s on him to he extremely supportive or he’s clearly part of the problem.

Literally tell her that you cried. Make her see and understand what she caused.

In a way that's irrelevant and the wrong message. If the OP looked like Waynetta Slob after a hard night out on the tiles and was as thick skinned as Waynetta Slob it wouldn't actually make any difference. No body should be saying what she said about anyone.

Hi @iCantStopppEatinggg I think this will be something that when she is older she will look back on and feel terrible about. Whilst she is old enough to know better, it does sound like her daddy hasn’t taught her well. I would punish her and say well if this is what you’re picking up at school from these friends of yours, you’re not seeing them socially for a month and no playdates etc etc and then once the dust has settled I would sit down with her and show how upset you were. Literally tell her that you cried. Make her see and understand what she caused. Best wishes

Really feel for you OP what a difficult situation. It sounds as if your daughter was enjoying making her Dad laugh and neither of them were thinking about what she was actually saying and it's impact on you.
The situation should have been stopped as soon as it started but that didn't happen.
I wouldn't have thought this was an isolated incident and perhaps this sort of disrespectful behaviour has been on the increase.
It sounds as if you need to sit your daughter down and give her a talk about what is acceptable and what isn't and to put boundaries into place.
This sort of behaviour cannot and should not be tolerated, you are the parent and she is the child. You and your husband set the tone in terms of what will and will not be tolerated. Your daughter is 10, she is old enough to understand actions have consequences.
You need to tell her how hurt you are and what your expectations are going forward.
Always remember what you will tolerate will continue.
Good luck with sorting this out OP.

Second this. Not normal 10 year old - or even any year old - behaviour.

OP, I have 3 daughters, two of whom are teens. God knows, they are not perfect. But not once have they ever spoken to me like this. I’m plump but they have sensitivity.
How does it even come to this?

I agree. I'd barely be alive if I spoke to my mother that way at 10 and i'm not even that old.I'm only late thirties. It wasn't as if I was raised in the fifties.

Gentle parenting folks, this is what it does.

My 10 yr old says things like this to me occasionally, trying to 'roast' me, saying things like you're so fat or you eat so much. The thing is, I'm slim and I buy myself loads of new clothes every month.

His comments don't upset me because it makes me worry how I look. His comments upset me because I'm horrified he's being influenced by misogynistic things he hears in the playground or from YouTube videos. It's most certainly not coming from my husband. I tell him we don't use the word fat, and we don't try to insult people by commenting on things about their appearance.

OP I’m so so sorry.
I don’t have any DC, but I do know how it feels to have my insecurities pointed out. It must have been 100 times worse because it’s your own child and she’s being so mean.
She needs to learn right now that this is unacceptable behaviour and it needs to stop right now.

It is totally reasonable to be upset by your daughter's behaviour here. She is absolutely old enough to know better. I'd have been really upset if either of my DC had ever said anything like this.

However I don't think you should allow this to stop you from going out. I had some CBT therapy many years ago, for among other things social anxiety and the therapist told me that most people are so busy worrying about themselves that they have little time to be judging other people or what they look like.

Put on your nice new clothes and get out and enjoy the lovely weather. It's not fair on your littler child to be stuck indoors - she's done nothing wrong. Fake it until you make it! Pretend you are feeling good about yourself and you might just start to feel better. Hiding away indoors will not help with how you feel. However if there is someone you can leave the older one with I'd do so. I think at the very least having her forfeit some outings seems like a reasonable repercussions for her vile behaviour.

Going forward you have 2 options, either embrace the way you look and decide that it and you are fine, or do something to change it. Best of luck x

Can't you keep the clothes and get a refund on your DD instead!?*
(*I am only half joking... 🤔)

It's no excuse her being 10. I once made a very mild joke about the names of parents' of a friend of my son's when he was that age. I got such a ticking off from him "how would you like it if someone made fun of your name?"

All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”

That isn’t roasting, that’s her being a nasty bully. Your DH laughing at that is horrific. I’d have left and gone home and let DH deal with the fall out.