To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

I did this to my mum when I was about 13. I didn’t make awful comments about her weight but I made equally awful comments about her in front of my maternal extended family. My grandfather was appalled and I did apologise. I was exceptionally angry as a child and was put in situations that were beyond my control. On reflection, I behaved this way because I was angry at her for not protecting me. Hurt people hurt others. I would suggest you are probably her safe person and there is more to your DD’s outbursts about your appearance. I know it’s hard not to have an emotional response but I doubt very much your appearance is at the heart of this situation.

I think we should be dividing the issues.

Point 1.Regardless of the size/shape of the OP and unless its in an appropriate circumstance, eg health matters Its not good manners to comment on people's size or appearance or anything really unless its an appropriate compliment. Regardless of ANYTHING its not good manners to make such comments rudely. Regardless of ANYTHING its not good manners to make such comments as a joke unless you are sure that the person commented on will find the joke funny.

Point 2. Children are not born knowing what is societally appropriate and must learn it. Their prime teachers should be their parents or their parental substitutes. Children are always learning and if we don't teach them the right things (or even if we do but not successfully) you can be sure they will learn the wrong ones. You can also be sure that they will be exposed to the wrong ones!

Point 3. Difficult as it may be there will be times when parents have to set aside or control their feelings in order to parent properly. Sanctions and responses need to be applied calmly and appropriately. That doesn't mean never showing anger or displeasure but it does mean being proportionate. Also anger and sanctions without getting to the root origin of the behaviour, especially if its come out of the blue, is just putting a plaster on it. also.....

Point 4. Its the responsibility of both parents to parent to the benefit of the child and in support of each other and a parent supporting such behaviour in a child, eg by finding it funny and showing it or defending the is doing the child no favours and putting their relationship at risk.

Point 5. I think that people are getting sidetracked by what they think the OP should be doing about her body. Nothing excuses or explains bad manners. If the OP had bad scarring and the child's rudeness had been about that, would those "lose weight" "kick up the bum" posters be saying "oh take responsibility, get plastic surgery" ?

I'm sorry your DD said this to you, it was very cruel and not something a DD should ever say to their mother. You DH should also have defended you and reprimanted your DD and she definitely needed to face consequences - no outing/ phone taken away (if she has one) no screen time etc.
However,playing slight devil's advocate here, as a family do you have the sort of banter-ish relationship between each other and she was going too far? Did she not understand that you can tease each other a bit but not actually insult or be rude (or if someone says they're uncomfortable you need to stop?).
We do tease each other in our family, DS is very tall and he gets a lot of comments on that from people (he's an adult now but he's always been exceptionally tall compared to us), conversely I get called 'petite' cos even though I'm not quite that short, I'm short compared to DH, DD and DS! It's light teasing and we all take it in good faith. However, if someone was to call another family member ugly or fat then that would not be tolerated.

My little boy tried to say unkind things about his dad's (my hubbys) belly, and I replied... I BEG YOUR PARDON? He giggled then backed down when he realised i wouldnt stand for it. We have a 'rules of the house' sign up, and it has rules on it like no unkind words, no fighting, no shouting etc.
I'm sorry this happened.
I would be gripping the husband for laughing it off. He should have backed you up. You are supposed to be a team. What a prick.
I bought a laminated page of house rules (from Etsy I think?) and we all follow here.
Unkind words amd other rules broken then result in loss of privileges.
My God if I spoke to my mother like that, I would be grounded in my room with a diet of dry bread and water and no TV (I'm old) and that was a light punishment, as my parents were old school 😫

I'm sorry your little girl believes that it is only roasting or banter. I see that as wanker little witch behaviour and it needs to be nipped in the bud now before high school.
Hugs to you xx

I agree with you, the parents should be stepping up in this case

Please don't let it put you off. Mine were well mannered, loving and considerate, at that age, as they are as adults. However, you have to put a lot of work in, with expectations, boundaries and family bonding. What has happened here is that something has gone very wrong in the family dynamic, and with the expectations of the 10 year old.

the responsibility lies purely with her parents teaching her how rude it is to comment on someone's appearance. It's basic decent manners.

It wouldn't be any more ok to go around calling someone skinny/string bean/ugly, taking the piss out of their clothes, hair, religion, sexuality, height, or anything else about them.

The weight of people or her mum is entirely irrelevant. The fact that escapes your notice is astonishing.

The amount of fat people in the comments ready to crucify a child, instead of aiming responsibility and agency for their eating behaviours is astonishing.

I have a 10 year old.
She tells me she loves my tummy and i'm the cuddliest. which is lovely but not really... i do need to lose it a bit, but at the same time my eldest when I call myself fat tells me to not be mean to myself.

I was called fat by my parents all my life but I seem to have done something right with the kids... although i was a bit pissed off when one of them said dad was smarter (and the other tried to say he was start in different ways) but that's because he likes to loudly pontificate and monologue so it looks smart (for a kid)

I would tell your daughter how much she hurt you and you shouldn't comment on things people can't change easily.

Gosh, stories like this are why I’m wary of having kids. I cannot imagine sacrificing 10 years of my life loving, caring and looking after another human being for them to turn around and say such hurtful, cruel things.

Sending lots of support OP 💐

Agree with PP regarding really praising your little one for showing such kindness! And the 10 year old really needs a sharp wake up call in terms of what is an acceptable and appropriate way to speak to others.

I would come down like a tonne of bricks on a 10 year old who spoke like that about me or anyone else. I’d be furious and make it clear to them that they’re being a little brat who will end up with no friends if they don’t learn to empathise with others and ‘read the room’. Also she needs an actual punishment which is something social-life related (eg she can’t go to a friends party) until she learns how to act nicely with others.

I’m concerned the OP is unable to discipline her DD because her self esteem is too low and so she feels she deserves the “roasting”. This is very sad and the OP will end up with a very difficult teenager on her hands.

I have a ten year old too, and I’m so fortunate that she’s an insightful and inherently caring kid. Not perfect by any means but I can’t imagine her ever saying something like this as she would understand it to be hurtful and cruel.

OTOH I also have a ND seventeen year old who is frequently rude and routinely mocks or takes down others. She can be pretty brutal and hurtful! She told me at the weekend being autistic means she always feels out of place. It made me think about her behaviour towards others in a different way, as coming from a place of discomfort rather than cruelty. No amount of reasoning, correction or chastisement has made a blind bit of difference to this over the years, if anything it’s just made our relationship fragile which is really sad as she sees it as being constantly criticised. I do worry about her friendships as they tend to be transient, often coming to an abrupt end as she moves on to the next person or group.

Not suggesting OP’s DD is ND, just adding our experience of kids saying hurtful things - in our case there is more at play obviously.

I’m overweight and neither of my kids have ever mocked me over my weight, in fact my ten year old is at pains to tell me I look nice if she senses I’m unsure about an outfit or trying to dress up for something!

I couldn’t agree more that OP has a DH problem, it’s awful to hear he laughed at this.

Both parents condoned it. As FuckityFux said
I can’t believe that your main response to your daughter’s appalling behaviour was to order some new clothes
As if the daughter had made a valid point.

Such a good point about rewarding the youngest child for their kindness ❤

It might be helpful to humanise her mum though! So many children and partners don't see mums as human beings.

She needs to be told you have to be very clever when you “Roast” someone as they have to enjoy the humour as well.

Telling someone who is fat that they are fat is just stating the obvious. It’s not funny or clever

Hurting someone’s feelings by stating the obvious is just being a bully.

Wow this is hurtful, you can’t let her continue with this. I remember I went through a phase of being quite mean but it was a reflection of how I felt about myself. Is she being bullied at school, is she feeling fat and ugly herself? She’s hearing insults from somewhere, do you insult others or insult yourself in front of her. It’s easy to get into the habit of saying ‘Don’t take a photo of mummy, she looks fat today’ ‘do I look stupid in these clothes?’

She may also be going through a phase of where she finds you embarrassing. It’s normal but also she cannot be unkind like this and I would try get to the bottom of it.

@PigglyWigglyOhYeah spot on!
That's the crux of it. The 10 year old girl has too much power and she bloody loves it.

I can’t believe that your main response to your daughter’s appalling behaviour was to order some new clothes? 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s clear that you have very low self esteem right now but you need to focus on your daughter’s behaviour and work out how to help her change. Stop wallowing in self pity about your body shape and focus on teaching your daughter (and husband) to have respect for you and others. You can still look at losing weight/buying new clothes but that’s a secondary issue that isn’t anything to do with them.

I hope you gave her immediate consequences for her deliberately hurtful and unnecessary comments? An immediate Tech ban and a discussion about why she thinks it’s cool to be mean and why that’s completely unacceptable behaviour. Not going out for a trip because you feel embarrassed about your looks will reinforce her view that judging people by their appearance is ok. You have to help her understand why that’s entirely superficial and wrong.

I’m obese but I wouldn’t expect my DC to comment on my shape or size because they know it’s incredibly rude and they don’t judge others by their clothes or body shape.

Tell her it's a cruel thing to do as it's being incredibly mean on purpose. And normally people put themselves up for it, and you haven't. If it was me, I would do a rendition on HER. Ooo Polly, do you get all your clothes from Tesco because it's the only place I can roll to? But then, I'm a cow like that

Absolutely not ok.

And I’d be making her holiday boring and refusing to take her anywhere saying if she can’t be seen with you in public then she can stay home.

The the younger one(s) out to great places.

She needs to learn NOW that this behaviour is not ok.

And you need to ignore her comments and be going out and about.

Given that her husband laughed along with a 10 year old child insulting his wife means he’s signalling to her thinks it’s acceptable so it’s not so far beyond a possibility that she could have picked it up from him! It’s one thing that a child of that age has said it, but the fact her DH didn’t immediately nip it in the bud is appalling! I’d be more annoyed at him in this scenario.

I’m saying the consequence isn’t that her tech gets taken or some other zero sum ‘punishment’. That isn’t how you teach empathy.
she needs to feel really bad that she hurt her mum, but she won’t feel it if she doesn’t have it modelled.
so, I’d be willing to bet that the op is actually modelling shame. If my child spoke to me like that I would be hurt and angry and I would tell them off (I’m certainly NOT suggesting that this kid isn't told off) but I would then behave as if they were right and I deserved to be shamed like the OP has. I think she needs to be honest that her DD isn’t operating in a vacuum and she has responded by giving her a lot of power. Kids don’t want that. They don’t need that. She needs to be taught how to behave.

This is why I come down hard when I hear my younger pupils ‘roasting’ each other or engaging in ‘banter’. They lack the maturity, humour, subtlety and skill and it descends into a round of insults. Along with people who are ‘just telling the truth’, this really is a form of bullying dressed up as something innocent.

At home, I’d speak to your daughter about your expectations as to how people should be treated. If she can’t meet these, there need to be consequences for just her.

I’d also speak to school about this as it’s going to get them into hot water when (not if) someone takes it the wrong way.

Remember, you’re the parent here: your daughter doesn’t have a right to make you feel this way.

I would like to volunteer to join in with painting myself bright blue, wearing a top hat and going to Sainsbury’s, can we buy the cream cake whilst we’re there…now that does sound d like a fun day out 🤣🤣🤣