To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

She's a bit of a bully, isn't she? I guess there will be no treats for her for the foreseeable then will there? Mum needs to spend all her money on healthy food, a gym membership and a new wardrobe.

And if you like the new clothes and feel good in them, keep them. If not, send them back and wear what you do like.

I would tell the little madam until she can behave, apologise and actually show some remorse the holiday activities are cancelled. Arrange for your husband who doesn’t seem much better to watch her and take your youngest out. I would also be telling her that I would be speaking to the school about her vile behaviour.

This. All hell would have broken loose if I had dared ever speak to my mother like that!

Little madam! She needs taking down several pegs.

She is plenty old enough to learn that you can be kind without lying, and that somebody’s size and weight never need to be mentioned. Continuing to do so after it has made you upset is not just unkind, it is cruel.

You need to explain this properly to your DH and get him fully on board.

You - both of you - need to explain to your daughter just how unacceptable this is and how unhappy she has made you.

She needs to apologize properly. If I were your DH, I would get her to write a list/make a card of all the things she loves about you.

Yes, she's 10...old enough to know better. She's well aware that shs being cruel and a bully.

Keep the clothes and discipline your daughter.

Haven’t RTFT but also have a yr 5 DD, the ‘roasting’ thing is some godawful American internet shite that she has also picked up from school. If she’s anything like my DD, yours doesn’t understand what ‘roasting actually is and has mistaken it for being mean. We had to have a very frank chat about the difference and how it’s only funny if the receiver finds it funny, otherwise it’s bullying. DD is very literal and blunt, so finds this sort of stuff hard to navigate.
I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel so low.

I think the best punishments are when actions have consequences. So, removing WiFi / sending to bed early feels a bit pointless and random. But "you said X, so it dented my confidence and I didn't feel up to going out. That's why you missed out on London" is exactly what I would have done

I'd take a long hard look at your husband too. Cruel that he laughed. Total lack of respect right there

I'd suggest another chat with your daughter. Best frame it as what you DO want her to do eg keep her unkind views to herself, rather than telling her "don't do X"

Do you think she has somehow picked up how you feel about yourself, and now verbalising it as a way to understand it? Kids do find it difficult when the adults in their lives have low confidence because it forces them to be the confident one to compensate, and they aren’t equipped for it yet. If you had laughed and said “Yup, I’m fat and fabulous! Just more of me to love!” I wonder how she would have responded?

I won’t post what I would have said back to her, because I’ll be accused of bullying a 10 year old, but suffice to say if you start a “roast” with me, you had better be able to take a double portion yourself… Sending a big hug x

You are allowed (and should) tell her how much she has hurt you. She is young but she needs to learn that words can be extremely hurtful and particularly comments about someone’s appearance. It is not ok.

Please OP you need to show her every action has a consequence and you cannot go around speaking like that. The worst thing is that she spoke about you her Mother in such a way. You really need to teach her about kindness because if you don’t now come down hard on her she will get worse and it won’t be long before she starts targeting her siblings. Girls who think they can get away speaking like this are the worst.

I am shocked for you my children would never speak to me like that, if I mention anything about my weight they go and get their Dad to tell Mummy she looks beautiful and my children are adults. They would probably lose their temper if they ever heard anyone make a comment about me and I am not big just a size 14 in a body that is dealing with a chronic condition.

The way she spoke about you is so disrespectful and to do it in a public place……sounds like she was trying to shame you.

OP, you wear what you are comfortable wearing don’t worry about others opinions. You want to wear wide legged trousers wear them and own that!

You really need to have a serious talk with your daughter & have a serious talk with your husband also. Why didn’t he stop her at the meal? Good luck OP

Oh God this thread brings back memories. I did similar things to your daughter at her age. Felt really mature.

I can tell you exactly what my mum said to me because it's ingrained in my memory. It wasn't nice but it stuck.

She just stared me dead in the eyes and said "Is it really that funny or are you just turning into a mean bitch" then she told me "bitchy little bullies say things like that and it's up to you if you want to grow up into a bitchy little bully like all of your friends but the thing about bitchy little bullies is that you'll become their victim eventually and then it won't be so funny will it? Make better choices"

Funnily enough I did not want to be a bitchy, catty, arrogant little bully.

I don't know if I'd use those exact words with my kid but I'd definitely find a way to show strength and remind your daughter that "roasting" is just a word people use to justify bullying if I were in your shoes.

I assume she has a mobile phone? That would be taken off her for a week if she was one of mine.

Stop feeling down - start feeling angry. How dare she. She’s a bully. She needs immediate punishment - removal of screen time, story time, whatever. And you take the other child to London at the weekend while your dh looks after her. Frankly you should have taken her home immediately she started - no restaurant, no cinema. She needs a ton of bricks on her, not a weak wet response.

Don’t punish your youngest because if the nasty comments from a 10 year old

I would sit your dh down and tell him how hurt you were at his behaviour when she started. It’s not a laughing matter it’s nasty behaviour that if not stopped will result in your child being thought of as a bully and does he actually want that? He owes you an apology and an assurance it won’t happen again

he needs to have another conversation with her with you there telling her her behaviour is not on?”, that it’s not accepting be do rude to anyone least of all to you who cooks cleans and take her places and she owes you a apology and is not to do it again

in the meantime don’t stop taking your youngest out take them and leave the 10 year old at home with her dad

And keep your clothes if you like them

You are almost certainly right. But her daughter will need to prove to her that she is mature and empathetic, and 10 not 4. Because she's behaving like she's 4. So you treat her like she's 4.

My inside voice would want to kick her arse into next week. My parenting voice would be more balanced.

The things you mentioned with the paper and toothpaste were what I was thinking of too.

My DD would have had a severe talking to and a pretty severe consequence for this. You could try to get her to understand how words are hurtful and how they make role feel. I don’t have any helpful resources but I’m sure if you looked up videos etc you could find something suitable, I know I’ve seen cartoon strip like resources that illustrate what happens when someone is continually put down.

If you feel good in your new clothes then wear them! I know it’s easy to say but a 10 year old does not get to dictate how you feel.

I haven't read all the replies but her behaviour was unacceptable. I remember watching a video years ago about once you say hurtful words it can't be undone
It was demonstrated with a fresh bit of paper, then crumpled up and when they tried to straighten it out the crumples remain because you can't undo it
I also saw it done with toothpaste and how you can't get it back in the tube

Would something like that help her see that once she says these hurtful things they remain with the person?

Sorry she's being rude to you xx

My main focus would be a conversation of what is acceptable to say to anyone. Your dh should have backed you up in the first place. I would be honest I feel x about how I look. I’d have a conversation about being kind and what is and isn’t ok. You say your consequence was not going to London as you didn’t feel up to it but what was her consequence that doesn’t involve you or your other child.

What is ‘roasting’? (I have no kids at school to ask!)

I really disagree that she doesn’t have the maturity to know her words are hurtful. She’s 10 not 4.

I think you need to speak to her school teacher after the holiday because this bullying behaviour is obviously going on in school. Whether she's a perpetrator or a victim there remains to be determined. They need to learn the difference between light hearted banter and upsetting someone, and to stop if in any doubt.

This is a behaviour issue not a you issue. I'm so sorry you felt you had to get clothes because of a rude little girl, but I hope you enjoy your new things anyway.
The best time to apply a consequence would have been right then. Husband should have taken her home and left you to enjoy your meal in peace. Or none of you get dessert if you were going to before. Failing that, and I can't imagine my DH failing me in that, I think I would have left myself and gone to get my own treat in peace.

I suggest over the holiday you find the time to take little one out for a treat just the two of you as you didn't get to enjoy the previous one. Husband can stay at home and show 10 yr old how to weed the garden or something suitably dull. And have some conversations with her about how hurtful her behaviour was, find out who's doing it to who at school.

If she hasn't heard these comments from your husband then surely it is someone in her circle of friends - either way, it is cruel, disrespectful and judgmental. Perhaps the child needs a lesson in discretion, respect, and reminding of who is the parent.

It is entirely her fault. You had a lovely treat and she ruined it and hurt you by being offensive, rude and disrespectful.
How on earth would she even think that's remotely ok? What are relationships like at home, how do you speak to each other?
She's 10 and old enough to know better.
What a horrible thing to do.