To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

Just from my own school experience around 10/11 was the absolute worst time for meanness - still young enough to lack tact/maturity/real introspection on how hurtful words can be without guidance, but too old to excuse it on the basis of not meaning it/too young to understand etc. And unfortunately in my experience it was mostly the girls that were starting to be nastier around this age.

I think you need to really explain to her how her words make you feel. I'm sure your DD isn't bad deep down - I still wince when I remember (and I'm 40!) saying something mean to my mum about her being stupid/boring at this age. She really laid it out to me how much I'd hurt her, my dad (who at that age was a bit of a hero to me) had strong words with me as well and I was honestly devastated and never ever repeated it. It's really important for you and DH to present a united front and be very clear that this is not acceptable and is not the behaviour you expect from her. You don't want this to develop into bullying behaviour. Good luck OP, and I'm sure you look great in your new clothes!

Wow I gasped in disgust at this. My 10yr old DD showers me with compliments and becomes tearful if I criticise myself. I’ve never ever heard her say a bad word about anyone. But even if she wasn’t like that, she wouldn’t dare…..! Not because she’s afraid of me, but because she knows that there will be consequences and I will follow through with them.

This is learnt behaviour, OP. At this age, they’re like giant sponges. They observe behaviours & attitudes and mimic them. She is being taught by somebody how to be a bully and a bloody nasty one at that.
You need to nip this in the bud and look at everybody she is spending time with and how they behave. If it’s one of her friends, stop her seeing them. One thing you need to do regardless though, is give her a real consequence for what she said to you. Whether your DH approves or not. Don’t let her get away with this, be consistent.

Take away her phone/PC/games console for a couple of days with the expectation that she writes you a letter of apology where she states she will never use such horrible and personal insults again. Nip this in the bud quickly. You do not want her starting secondary school with this mentality as it will just escalate big time! Keep the letter and use it as a reminder if she ever needs one again. Keep the phone confiscation to a few days maximum (unless she continues this) as for her age group, she would really struggle but you don’t want to isolate her from friends for too long with it being school holidays. I hope you get to see some remorse from her asap!!

I might lose it a bit, tbh. Angrily, What did you say to me? How dare you be so mean and rude! We don't speak like that in our family.
Then send her to her room and tell her to stay there and think about her behaviour and come out when she's ready to apologize. When she does, I wouldn't let her off the hook. I'd reinforce how awful the words were, they hurt and how disappointed I am that my own daughter would be mean to me. I would also ask who she has learned it from at school, that the behaviour is very mean and that people won't want to associate with her if she continues.
I'd also try and determine if there are some issues that beed to be dealt with causing the behaviour.

My initial thought @iCantStopppEatinggg was that she needs to be roasted right back, not about her looks but about her personality and the way she makes other people feel.

And then I thought - maybe she already has been?
Maybe this behaviour is a consequence of having been ‘roasted’ herself and she doesn’t know how to handle it except to join in. ‘If you can’t beat them join them’ approach.

It’s often said that bullies become bullies because somebody has hurt them and the only way they know to protect themselves is to pretend it’s funny and to do it to others.

Maybe you and/or your DH can sit her down at a time when she’s feeling mellow and learn a bit more about the ‘roasting’ that has been going on in school and what her experiences of it have been?

Tell her that you know that she is a sweet kind girl deep inside and tell her how proud of her you were X years ago when she did Y or Z (think of examples that show her in her very best light). Tell her that you will always love her for who you know she is inside, and can she help you understand where the meanness has come from?

Do not do this FFS!!
Shockingly bad advice!

I’d be mean girl back and say “ well sorry to be the one to tell you love but you look just like me when I was 10, you’ve got my genes, so there’s something for you to look forward to” and I’d flounce out.

My nephew does this to my brother in law and I think it’s shocking. BIL is very slightly overweight but very hard on himself so nephew may have learnt it from BIL himself. However most shocking to me is that no one on DHs side of the family tells him off or corrects him - they sometimes join in/laugh too and MIL regularly brings up BILs weight as a topic of conversation when all family are present. I hate it.

Your ten year old is old enough to know better and was incredibly unpleasant and is heading towards being an unpleasant adult if she’s it’s not made absolutely clear to her, consistently and clearly that this is not how we treat people.
No way would o accept that behaviour from my children.
your husband sounds like a vile, pathetic excuse for a husband. Who the fuck laughs along with someone insulting their wife. Who emcourages their young child to be cruel and rude. They sound like a pair of bullies with no consideration or kindness in their bodies. Protect your youngest from becoming the same as them.

I agree. Your husband needs to back you on this, not laugh while she abuses you. True she’s only 10, but such persistent rudeness is appalling, totally unacceptable. Also she’s at risk of becoming deeply unpopular — despite the superficial power of bullying.

But your husband is part of the problem. If I heard someone, even a child, abusing someone I love, I would be furious. His laughter was encouraging her.

As for your weight, please don’t let her hurtful behaviour spoil your pleasure in some new clothes. Being abused can really hit your self-confidence. I’m sure you look much nicer than you think. Anyway, most people don’t notice other people unless they are doing or wearing something bizarre!

She is 10, she knows full well the impact of these sorts of comments! I would have been coming down on her like a ton of bricks!

i'd like to add the point, knowing how feral teenagers are, if you don't nip this in the bud swiftly she is going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at school and end up getting the crap beaten out of her for it, and make herself a target for bullying.

you NEED to handle this.

I’ve heard that term roasting from my 11 year old daughter. There is one girl in her class who is particularly known for doing it to everyone - it’s nothing other than bullying!

I cannot imagine any of my three children or my two stepchildren ever thinking of saying something like this to me. I have been overweight ever since I had children and I know how hurtful this must have been.

I agree with PP’s that the devices need to be removed, you need to look carefully at what she has been seeing online and if you give them back then you need to install software to limit access and monitor what is being viewed closely.

I also agree that you should speak to her teacher, as if anything like this is going on at school it is bullying and it has to stop.

Your ‘D’H is a disgrace and a serious conversation needs to be had, he has to have your back in this and going forward as DD becomes a teenager.

Keep your lovely new things and go out for some special treats over the holidays with your youngest.

That was unacceptably rude and mean of her, OP. It is worse that your DH laughed along and didn't immediately tell her off. I think that's worth a separate conversation with him about the need to respect and support each other.

I do think you should keep and enjoy your new clothes. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

My boys roast each other and my husband and I about being fat eg your so fat......jokes.
I ask them not to and explain it's not funny/could be unkind. However, they would never say anything personal or actually unkind/specific regarding my appearance.
She has obviously seen that it is upsetting you to make comments about your appearance and for some reason is choosing to use this power against you. She probably doesn't understand the societal complexities around woman and their weight.
I would try my best to detach from the comments and rather than laying on thick how she is hurting your feelings, calmly explain to her that making comments about anyone's weight/appearance is extremely rude, very unkind and will not be tolerated. It is essential your husband is on board and not laughing at any comments regarding people's appearance.

Well isn’t she a shitbag. What a horrible child. Why don’t you actually say that to her. She’s 10 and bold enough to intentionally and maliciously hurt you so why don’t you tell her she is horrible. I really hope that you have punished her.

Sounds like she already is!

You handle it by punishing her. Does she have a phone? An iPad for entertainment? A tv in ber room?

DH needs to stop encouraging her - he needs to apologise profusely to you for joining in the 'fun' she had at your expense. It would be a very good idea for DH to apologise at the dinner table while you're all sitting there eating, and you and he can tell her off together. She needs to be cut down to size.
Would he be willing to participate in a set piece like this?

You will need to explain to him that it is never, ever ok to comment on a woman's shape or size, and it is never OK to encourage a child to believe such comment is acceptable or funny, either giving or receiving. If your H won't do a set piece apology to you, you need to address the whole family over the dinner table, and tell them what was unacceptable and why, and that you expect a sincere apology from both H and D. Then get up and leave the table and do not do a single thing for either of them until you get an apology.

For your part, you need to put an end to the wallowing and the angst. Take time to go shopping and try on clothes. Buy clothes you like. If DD pipes up with a rude comment, tell her you don't remember asking for her opinion. If she compliments you, thank her. If she or anyone else in the family speaks to you like that again, get up and leave - leave the cinema, cafe, restaurant, church, theatre, pool, zoo, whatever. Do not sit there while others insult you.

Sit down with DD and explain that roasting is separated from bullying by a very fine line and can only be done when both parties are in the mood, and fornthe record, you are not in the mood, ever. Tell her if she ever speaks to you like that again, she will be punished, and if you ever hear of her crossing the line into bullying another student, she will also be punished.

Is she getting this from stuff online or pals at school - they may have started noticing and commenting on adults.
im not sure why you are so distressed as she is only 10 and being silly and rude. Go out with your younger child as part punishment.
How delightful are she and DH to look at?
Youre giving her power she doesn’t have.

@FleurDeFleur
Yes, on another thread.

It really is shocking. I can't think of any child I've known that would behave like this to their own mother.

You should have told them loudly that actually you were embarrassed about being seen out in public, not because of weight, but because of dd and dh ugly behaviour. I'd have walked out and not spoken to, helped or even acknowledged their existence until I got a grovelling apology.

You should take your younger dd out and spoil her and yourself.

Is that what's happening? Has the OP said this?

Firstly, I’d start with your husband and tell him that if ever supports that sort of shit again he will be looking after brat daughter by himself in the future. He needs to be on side. If not, end the marriage now.

Then the daughter would be told that engaging like a bitch (yes I’d use the word) isn’t something I’m ever going to tolerate so all privileges revoked including all screens, lifts, treats etc.

Lastly, I’d put myself first all the time from now on. You aren’t just mum and wife you’re a person so start treating that person well. But more clothes, get the haircut and colour, go out with friends.

Make husband and Bitch daughter realise you matter as much as them (probably more as I expect you hold the family together) and they need to stop taking you for granted and treating you like dirt.

This behaviour deserves full nuclear but also for you to prioritise yourself.

I’m sending hugs as you sound like you need them.