To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

My heart breaks for you op. It's bad enough thinking negatively about yourself (I do too, very much) but to hear it come from someone you love and from your child is just awful.

If she feels that she can get away with it with you then she'll do it to others too.

Maybe a chat with the school to see if they've noticed any issues or they can fill you in on trends in the class and playground that they could help address.

I'm not one for coming down hard on children, I have three almost grown ups and thankfully I've never had to, but her behaviour is really unacceptable and there has to be something done to address it.

Please take care of yourself

It’s not roasting, it’s nasty, bullying behaviour for which she may get a five knuckle sandwich one day if she picks on the wrong person! She’s a nasty little devil. I’d take your youngest somewhere they’d love and your DD would hate. No pad, no phone, no socials, no pocket money.

I’m sure you looked lovely in your new clothes, go for a night out with the girls and let your hair down. If you are truly unhappy with your weight would you try the mounjaro jabs? Eat healthier, bit of exercise.. It has to be for you though, not your gobby child.

I think her father should take this on. One of his jobs is to model how couples back each other up. So far he is failing to do that.

Thanks for this. What a horrible situation. It's a bit clearer now. This child isn't being mean or unkind; she actually thinks it's fine to be a vicious bully to her own mother.
They've been to the cinema, they're having a meal and she starts with the verbal abuse. The husband laughs.
This whole family dynamic needs a huge overhaul.

Sorry, but a fucking 10-year-old absolutely knows that she’s being cruel by saying things like this and she needs consequences. DH saying ‘Now now, that isn’t very nice, Mummy might get upset’ isn’t going to cut it - she knows full well it’s not nice and she knows you’re upset. She needs a hell of a telling off and proper consequences. She’s a bully. If she was treating another kid at school like this, she’d be in a lot of trouble.

My niece is 10. She compliments and bigs up everyone, especially the women in her life. Your daughter needs to be taught some manners. Sounds like child-to-parent abuse and needs stopped. Your husband sounds like a disgrace for laughing. They don’t deserve you.

I’m certain she is a bully at school too.

not a good idea...that models approval. Like smacking achild because they hit you.

Did you say anything to her in the moment? Like what was your response when she said it? It sounds like she just totally got away with it and you showed her she was right by going out and buying new clothes.

I’d come down on this like a tonne of bricks. Tell her if you hear her ‘roasting’ anyone, including you, again she’ll have her devices taken away, grounded for a couple of weeks so she misses something important to her, and if she does any clubs she’s stopping them for a month - and then follow through on it. You need to give your dick head husband a good talking to as well. He’s only encouraging this mean girl bully behaviour.

I would just take the well behaved one and make it very clear why. Every time, consistently.

A consequence should not be one that affects others.
If she has a phone or iPad etc take them away for a day
If she has an arranged visit with friends cancel it

What treats do you allow, they could be taken away.

or similar

OP I also have a 10 year old daughter and she's mentioned that people 'roast' each other at school but she's never said anything like that to me or her dad it's just too personal. She does come out with 'Your mum's so fat...' jokes but then I say oh I'm telling nanny you said that and she says it's not real though! But they are the generic jokes like your mum's so ugly, your mum's so stupid, it's not intended to be an insult more of what phrases her and her 8 year old brother can they say to sound the funniest but they wouldn't dare say it to anyone and actually mean it. You need to sit her down and tell her how it's not nice to talk about people's bodies like that and when she's older she might have something about her body she doesn't like and how would it feel if someone kept mentioning it? That ought to shut her up.

You should have still done something out, just not with her. Even if she’s doing it because she’s learning it elsewhere, it’s absolutely not acceptable to talk like that to your parents (or anyone, really).

Having said that, there might be a reason this is getting under your skin this badly. Not even the best leggings in the world can resist 5 years straight of wear. My weight yo-yos a lot and I used to put off shopping until my inevitably “I’ll fit in again” but truly, you feel so much better if your clothes fit you well, at any weight. If you don’t want to spend too much maybe try Vinted.

As an additional point though @iCantStopppEatinggg, your self esteem seems to be absolute rock bottom. Are you getting help for it? Primarily for your own wellbeing, and also because it seems your girl can sense this vulnerability in you and maybe at one level wants / needs to hear you say “It doesn’t matter what size or shape people are and I don’t give a damn what you or anyone else things of my looks”

Model a different kind of power.

Yes, come down on her hard. She needs to realise the impact of her words on you and anyone else she may chose to belittle or bully.
And your DH needs to understand he must have your back.
But your reaction sounds like you're not happy with your body/appearance either, in which case you should take steps to get healthy and lose weight- for YOU!

im not blaming you op, but your reaction isn’t right.

your dd behaved appallingly and your husband laughing with her is utterly unacceptable.

and you have responded by buying new clothes?

your self esteem has probably been absolutely smashed to pieces by your vile husband. If you got rid of him, you’d probably find your self esteem gets better.

youve asked what would other mums do, but it’s difficult because I would hope that there’s very very few children who would dare speak to their mother like that, and I hope even fewer husbands who wouldn’t have full on supported you in response.

the pair of them sound utterly vile and I have no advice for how to get out of this now.

He has laughed at her when she’s said it, so authorised her to do it all the more as she thinks she is funny, I would be having stern words with husband then daughter with husband

I think there are 2 things going on here.

Your own lack if self worth and desire to change. Look into dieting and exercise regimes. Fast 800 is very good as is taking up couch 2 5k.

You shouldn't have to change because of what a 10yo says but could use this as the motivation you need.

Secondly she needs a proper punishment for her rudeness and disrespect. I suggest removing gaming/Netflix/phone privileges for the duration of the holidays and expecting never to hear her talking to you like this again.

Based on your post I just had a talk with my 11yo to explain they needed to be very careful with "roasting" friends and it can't be an excuse to say nasty things as a "joke". If only one of you is laughing its not funny.

OP, it's time to switch out of wet lettuce mode.
This needs an assertive response. Not one ounce of weakness, upset or vulnerability. I can sense you're at risk of ongoing belittling by your husband in tandem with your own kid.

Something like this to daughter -
I've thought about what you said. That is so nasty, such an unacceptable way to talk to me. That is never to happen again, whatever your thoughts on my appearance. Do you understand? I want a genuine, believable apology from you. Think about this and come find me when you are prepared to apologise and make me feel confident you won't ever speak to me like that again.'

There would be a consequence here for me. You can do something nice with the other child and don't invite her. I'd say, I feel so uncomfortable about your nasty disrespectful behaviour towards me that I don't particularly want to spend this activity with you right now.

That links the consequence to the behaviour then. She's absolutely old enough to know.

It is absolutely disgraceful your husband laughed. Is he a gaslighter? Does he say things like ' it's just a joke', ' it's just banter ' ' you're too sensitive:.

Anyone who says shit like this is someone to be very cautious of. I spent years dealing with ' banter ' from certain family. I'm now no contact with the main one. After much therapy it helped me realise they are certainly narcissistic and employ minimisation, mocking and gaslighting.

I'd have a very assertive word with your husband about this. It is beyond disgusting.

It doesn't matter if you're the size of a bloody elephant. It's about respect.

I agree
and I’d worry if she is or will become a school bully because the way she’s talking to you is exactly that.

As another poster asked.
When she says these things whats her punishment!

You’re an adult a parent, you step up and be one even if that’s pushing your feelings of not wanting to leave the house away. She’s 10 FFS are you really going to let a 10yo bully you into not leaving the house?

You talk to her, you don’t care if she’s says she’s not going to lie, it’s not about lying, it’s about having manners, being kind and respectful as a parent it’s your job to teach her this and certainly not act all hurt by her comments. Yes she will be learning this at school and just because the kids are “roasting” each other dose not make it right. It would 100% not be allowed in my 10yo DDs school.

i have 3 girls, none of them would ever dream of saying this to me, I’m overweight, managed to drop from a size 22 to a 16, but I don’t talk about it to my DDs. They know I have health issues which increased my weight, they don’t care, I’m their mum they love me and the younger ones tell me I’m beautiful, the older one use to but she’s more reserved hitting puberty.

The older one heard me talking to friends the other day and I talked about how my mum from the age of 9 would tell me how fat I was, my dd was indignant and got angry I was body shamed as a child, her words! She also said NO INE SHOULD EVER BE BODY SHAMED! Your dd needs to learn this.

i would not hold back, I’d say how would you like me telling you your ugly, your a mean girl, your stupid for not getting something right. I’d absolutely shame her to understand it’s not ok. You obviously tell her you don’t feel that way but what if you did, would it be ok to say it whether she liked it or not. I’d also be talking to the school, find out this “roasting” business as to me it sounds like another word for bullying.

But seriously, grow up and stop being put down by a 10yo!

Also I think a lot of mums go through the weight gain not buying them selves anything and living out of leggings and baggy tops phase, I know I did for a good 5 or so years. You now know it’s time for a change, wear what you like and ignore any comments by people, especially children on how you look.

And stop punishing your younger child, take them out while your dd stays home, take her phone as punishment for being rude, stop playmates or treats, but don’t let your other child miss out.

You have a big issue here my kids say the exact opposite even if they are lying. She wouldn’t be going anywhere all holidays if she’d called me fat. But more so why are you listening to her? You shouldn’t have gone and got new clothes because a ten year old told you to that should have been for you not her to decide. Bloody awful behaviour from your daughter. I have never forgotten the lad at my primary who called my mum fat, she didn’t react at all but I often think of the embarrassment that she must have felt.

A week I don't think so. I would be upset to start but I would be so angry. There would be no easter eggs, no birthday plans. Being left out of things and taking younger DC out. She has to get how horrible and nasty she has been and DH has got to come down on her like a ton of bricks too and back you up.

@iCantStopppEatinggg has a pattern in her previous threads

A mum who dismisses her feelings, a DH who invalidates her. Friends who take the piss, workmen who do a bad job. Nieces who hate her and a sister who tried it on with her DH.

It feels like she hates her life and her lifestyle So many feelings and so much negativity. It's out of control.

There's no doubt that this 10 year old madam has been as rude as fuck but it's only a part of the issue which I think is about the op taking steps to regain control of her life and start to love and respect herself. And ditching the deadwood which mostly has always read like her DH.

The rest will follow.