Husband not thinking

He’s not the only one. I’ve now managed to deal with this, but it took a while and a couple of ‘explosions’ to drive the message home. Now he never says yes to PIL without checking with me.

You need to insist on this and he needs to know how upset you are. Basically you’ve got to train him.

Did you consult him before making plans for the anniversary and check he was happy to go because from what you’ve written it sounds like you made plans for the 2 of you and then he made different plans for the 2 of you but you’re annoyed he made plans without consulting despite doing the same?

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, actually. The date was written on the calendar. It's hardly asking a lot to expect an adult to check the family calendar for a clash before accepting an invitation. And I think it's a shitty response to say he 'can' cancel if you want him to and, as if that's not thoughtless enough, he'll then tell his parents it's your fault he can't make it. Not looking at the calendar could be an oversight (but I get the feeling it's not), but a normal partner would say sorry and immediately rearrange dinner with their parents.

Ask him to ask you before confirming plans and you do same. Surely that’s normal?

Yes, this really. I have lost my mum and my dad now, I really don’t expect my partner to remember the dates related to these things. I don’t remember his either tbh (both his parents are dead too). However if it matters to you that he remembers then he should know this and make more of an effort. Hope you are ok.

But you don't have to call them and you're not the bad guy, he will call them and he will take responsibility for not checking your plans. You didn't have any plans, but he should have asked you still and then you would have reminded him about the date.

I think a simple 'no dates in the diary unless they're checked first' would be a good rule for you both.

I have to admit I put things in our joint diary without checking first, because I know I always know if we're busy or not, but if my DH minded I wouldn't do it.

no i totally get it. It is exhausting, and it is irritating that you will either have to do it yourself or you're made out to be the bad guy.
My suggestion was for this time: call them, cancel and tell them why and daft of your DH to have missed it etc. Then tell them to reschedule with him.

And then have The Discussion with him about checking the joint calender and that in future you won't be attending double bookings. (but again: if you don't tell people yourself why you aren't there, you run the risk of them thinking badly of you)

Agree that if it has always been like this, he has fallen into bad ways. Would it be worth telling him why it makes you feel taken for granted/ignored? And point out that if he now says to his mum that you're cancelling in favour of your mum how bad that paints you?

Also i meant to say: I'm really sorry for your loss. My own dad died suddenly more than a decade ago and i have had to prioritise my mum a lot. (but then: my DH lost his parents 40 years or more ago, and he totally gets it)

well if you're going to have that attitude, you're possibly going to look like the "bad guy" here and i thought you wanted to avoid that?

There is a conversation to be had with your DH about this. And you could always take the "nuclear" option of carrying on with your plans and let him make (up) excuses as to why you're not with him.

You are not unreasonable to feel like you do or to expect your DH to consult you before accepting an invitation.

why don't you cancel for both of you, since you get on so well, and say "oh sorry, he overlooked that i wrote in the calendar that we'll be with my mum, what with it being the anniversary and all. How about xx date instead?"

That way you aren't the fall guy?

I think you're being unreasonable expecting him to remember the dates of your dad's birthday and anniversary, especially when you say he died several years ago.

Are these religious obligations you've taken on? Even if not, write them in the family calendar. Did you remind him at some point recently that you would be doing this? Clear communication is key.

Since he's willing to cancel, he's not being unreasonable. But, he also needs to be clear in his communication. He can tell his parents he has to check the calendar to see if you guys have something going on and he should be asking you before accepting.

I am going against the grain here I think he is unreasonable, whilst I would not expect my DH to remember significant dates (both my parents have died) he wouldn’t ever make plans for both of us without checking to make sure we were free.

I also think your DH has sort of made you a scapegoat- ‘I will tell my parents YOU have made other plans.’. He needs to rebalance his expectations here relationships do change when you loose a parent.

He didn’t “override” you, he isn’t expecting you to “drop everything to accommodate everyone else”, you are winding yourself up with this type of commentary.

He has quite reasonably and understandably said he will cancel the plans with his parents.

That’s fair enough, I didn’t realise you all saw them often. You aren’t being unreasonable to want some time alone as a family. I’m very sorry about your dad x

Forcefully, I think YABU. He's immediately changed his plans when you pointed out his oversight and not only that, he's going to tell a white lie to keep his family happy. I think you need to realise that actually he's reacted in the perfect way and clearly supports you.

I honestly wouldn't expect my spouse to remember the anniversary of my mum or dad's death or birthdays. I really think that's a bit over the top (sorry couldn't think of a more suitable phrase). Does he override all your decisions OP? Do you have to share a lot of social activities with your in laws?

I'm sorry you've lost your dad; it must be really hard for you.

However, I don't mean to be unfeeling here, but I think YABU. He didn't realise about the date and as soon as he was made aware, he told his mum you had other plans. There's no problem here. I appreciate you think you should have been consulted anyway, but presumably since he had no issue just calling his mum and saying 'Sorry, we've actually got other plans I'd forgotten about' he could/would have also cancelled if you'd said you didn't want to go.

It would be a problem if he'd said 'No, I've told my mum we're seeing them now and she'll kick off if I say we can't come'. But that isn't what's happened; he understood and cancelled.

Also, and I say this gently - I honestly wouldn't expect someone to remember the anniversary of their partner's parents' deaths. I don't think my DP could tell you the anniversary of his own dad's death. It doesn't mean he didn't love his dad - it's simply that a lot of people just don't have any family tradition of marking those dates. Of course it's a huge thing for you and I completely understand why you're emotional but I don't think you can expect the exact date to be uppermost in your husband's mind all the time.