Husband not thinking

I wouldn’t mind the making plans without consulting me because DH and I operate like that. I also wouldn’t mind him forgetting about the date, provided he did then change the plans. I would very much mind him making you the scapegoat though. Why can’t he just explain the real reason to them? Surely they’d understand?

This. Kindly, yabu.

Sorry for your loss X

I think your biggest problem is communicating with each other about what is important. If you had actually said to him "please do not arrange anything on xyz date/weekend because of this" then when he had the invitation for Sunday lunch at his parents he could have then told them sorry but it's the Anniversary or whatever. If he had accepted the invite knowing what the date was, then he would be being unreasonble but as he wasn't aware (spur of the moment decisions happen) then he is not as he has said he will cancel. Explaining to his parents why you now can't go is not making you the 'fall guy' it's being honest 🤷‍♀️
On the other hand, as you did not actually have any plans, would it have been that bad to have gone for lunch at your In-Laws?
I think you are making a mountain out of a mole-hill but given the circumstances I can understand why.

In my opinion, I think the 2 separate issues are that he forgot about an important date in your life (however, he did rectify this and so he is NTA, even though it would have been nice for him to have remembered) but the other issue is that he seems to continuously make plans without checking in with you first.. I think YANBU to be irritated by this - you are partners and should be jointly making decisions on what to do during weekends / holidays etc.

My husband is really good, supportive and thoughtful but many years ago it was coming up to my dads first anniversary and I said I was not looking forward to it and I wasn’t sure how I’d be on the day itself. I said I thought I’d take a days leave. I was gobsmacked when he said that he didn’t see the need as there was no actual difference to the day , it would be the same tomorrow as it was today. In theory that maybe the case but feelings aren’t theory are they. Obviously I “ told him about himself “ and put him straight. When his mum died a few years later, he got it .

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Your DP should ask you before accepting an invitation, but the fact that he immediately changed plans shows he does care about your wishes. I think you're really upset about your Dad understandably, which is clouding your judgement. People show support in different ways, and not everyone remembers dates. My DH loved his mum but cannot even remember what year she died, never mind the date. I have the dates and all the events of my mum's final week engraved on my brain, even though she died nearly 40 years ago. It doesn't mean I loved mine more.

DH, DC and I all use a shared calendar on our phones for all events, appointments, tickets etc (DC only when wanting lifts!) - easy to check at all times. That said both of us would normally say “yes looks ok but I’ll just check with DH/DW and confirm”. Sorry for your loss but like some others I really would not expect DH to remember anniversaries of loss, I have these in my personal section of the calendar. Works for us xx

Sorry I think you’re overreacting here OP.

YNBU I agree it often feels like women seem to be the calendar keepers, are expected to remember dates etc- even if they put them on a calendar for everyone to see.
We've had a few double bookings where he has agreed to things without checking our other responsibilities or commitments.
Even with a shared calendar hanging in the kitchen that I remind my partner to check for himself he would default to asking me. I would ask him if he checked the calendar... nope. Like I have all the details in my head 🤷‍♀️
I understand how you are feeling, like his PA and it's just another mental load for you that he doesn't consider.
By saying that to his mum, it makes you look a certain way. He should be apologising to you for not being more sensitive to the anniversary and letting his mum know you can't attend as it is the anniversary and he'd forgotten.
While you might be a bit more sensitive atm, I agree it can feel like we are expected to remember things that they aren't and if it makes you feel a certain way you should talk to him about it and put things in place to try to preempt/avoid it in future. The fact he is ready to do what you want and understands it's important to you is a good start. Have a chat about the importance of family time for you too.
Sorry about your loss.

This.

He is going to rectify it though. He’s said he will, the problem is you aren’t happy with how he’s going to do it. I think you can’t have it all ways. Either he fixes the mistake he made however he chooses to or you fix it the way you want it fixed.

iME women are more sentimental and remember dates that men wouldn’t.

I would say YABU - as soon as he knew he said he’d cancel those plans. I think if I asked DH when my dads anniversary was he would still get it wrong but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

I don’t know that I would necessarily always remember the dates of my in laws’ passing, or expect OH to remember mine. And people can forget to check calendars before committing to plans. We are all human. And he’s changed the plans without issue.
I won’t say Yabu because I know this is a vulnerable time and having lost my own mother only seven weeks ago I know I can feel extra sensitive about anything relating to her.
Obviously if he has form for this you need to chat about it but I wouldn’t assume he’s being deliberately ignorant.

I’m a person that doesn’t do dates - I miss my mum all the time, the actual anniversary is no different. I would probably not remember the dates when people died - maybe your DH doesn’t

Honestly my husband never remembered his parents birthday's when they were alive. I always reminded him about Mothers day/Father's Day and pretty much organise all our social life but we are all different, he just doesn't walk round with these dates in his head. But he's a good man, a great husband and father to our children, works hard and we are his world so if a few diary clashes are the price I have to pay I will live with that.( He says yes to everything because he never knows what's going on).

If he’s happy to just change plans with family no fuss then I don’t see issue. I have also lost my parents and I don’t expect my husband to know the exact dates off the cuff, I know if I asked him the dates and he had to think about it he would remember but if someone said ‘do you wanna do this on this date’ he’d probably say yes without putting 2 and 2 together

I think you're confusing your husband for a woman if you're expecting that kind of thing from him!
It's something I would do, but it wouldn't cross my husbands mind for a second!

FFS! He's happy to change plans - where's the problem?

While I get he should be checking with you for a multitude of reasons, I think, op, you are being unreasonable about your dad’s anniversary shaping your entire year.

Do you have dc? I ask as I couldn’t imagine having to work their lives around anniversaries. Gently, that’s neither healthy nor fair. I lost my dad 5 years ago. I miss him every single day. I don’t need a diary date to remind me to miss him. I always feel blue on the day itself but my life, nor that of my family, does not stop. It can’t. He wouldn’t want that at all.

On the one hand you complain that it’s women who always have to organise a diary … then get annoyed when he arranges something.

My husband doesn’t even know the anniversary of my dad’s death, or when his bithday was. The last thing my Dad would have wanted was for any of us to “stop all the clocks” once a year.

If you can't go to something he's said yes to, would he go by himself? Or does he expect you to share the effort of socialising

My suggestion. Have a conversation where you say to him: don't say yes to anything before talking to me first. I will do the same for you (as you've said you do). Then, if this happens again, ALWAYS be busy if he agrees to something without asking. You may also want to cheerfully suggest he can go alone, but you're not available, and he'll need to tell whoever, make apologies etc. The penny may drop when action consistently backs up the message.

I think it’s worth recognising that people deal with anniversary dates in lots of different ways, I personally wouldn’t dream of writing down the anniversary of anyone’s death, if I remember I remember but I actually actively try not to (even with my mum).