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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

447 replies

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 13:51

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

OP posts:
NImumconfused · 07/04/2025 15:22

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:02

Absolutely - I’d hope he’s also showing up with all those things. But the difference is in who’s initiating. If someone asks me out, chooses the venue, and sets up the plan, then yes - I think it’s thoughtful for them to offer to pay.

It’s not that I think my presence alone earns me a free dinner - it’s that when someone takes the lead in asking someone out, it’s just part of the dynamic to follow through. It’s not about entitlement - it’s about consistency and intentionality.

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But you've said you don't ask men out, so you're expecting them to do the work of initiating and inviting, and therefore paying, every time. Which sounds entitled to me.

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 15:21

A PP said you should only pay for what you consume Glad to hear it As a teetotaller i wouldnt be paying for someones alcohol

bettermumthanyou · 07/04/2025 15:20

BlondeMummyto1 · 07/04/2025 13:54

I mean… I’d always offer to split it too but it gives the impression that maybe he isn’t that into you.

Agree with ☝️

The more into you the man is, the more inclined he will be to offer to pay… and actually I think it’s a useful gauge if you’re unsure how strong a connection he feels from the date.

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 15:18

TruthOrNo · 07/04/2025 15:05

I think that's a bit optimistic, multiple dates a week. Unless they're brad pitt

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Because they are hoping to get their leg over

Whyherewego · 07/04/2025 15:18

I personally always offer to pay half as I don't want to be beholden to anyone

Swiftie1878 · 07/04/2025 15:17

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:15

Yes - I do. When someone invites you out and then shrinks back from the basic follow-through of offering to cover it, it does feel transactional. Not because I expected a free meal but because it suggested a lack of effort, interest, or follow-through.

I’m not expecting a grand gesture - just consistency between the energy of asking someone out and how you show up on the date. That’s not a wind-up. That’s a standard.

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It’s VERY old fashioned. Be careful what you wish for.

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 15:17

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:05

I have and that’s exactly the point - it wasn’t about who paid, it was about what that moment reflected. I wasn’t upset over the money itself but how it was handled. When someone invites you out and then treats the date like a transaction, it signals a lack of intentionality. That’s what left a bad taste - not the card machine.

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It’s always “not about who paid” when they haven’t paid for you though. If it wasn’t about who paid and was about generosity and intention you could have offered too!

Winifredtabago · 07/04/2025 15:16

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:13

I can see why it might come across that way but I’ve been clear from the start: I prefer traditional dating dynamics where the man takes the lead and yes, that includes paying when he’s the one doing the asking.

I’m not pretending I’d do it differently - I’ve said I haven’t asked men out and I probably wouldn’t. That doesn’t make the principle any less valid. It’s not about getting a “free ride,” it’s about dating in a way that feels aligned with what I value and what’s worked for me in the past.

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Well so far the vote is roughly 60 40 that you are being unreasonable, but that's not far off 50/50 so if it's how you wish to date then carry on. Not sure why you need to ask the question if you feel comfortable with that type of dating.

Original poster
ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:15

natura · 07/04/2025 15:09

This is starting to feel like a wind-up.

You think HE was the one treating the date like a transaction?

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Yes - I do. When someone invites you out and then shrinks back from the basic follow-through of offering to cover it, it does feel transactional. Not because I expected a free meal but because it suggested a lack of effort, interest, or follow-through.

I’m not expecting a grand gesture - just consistency between the energy of asking someone out and how you show up on the date. That’s not a wind-up. That’s a standard.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:13

Instinct1 · 07/04/2025 15:07

You keep repeating it's not about being the man, it's about being the person who does the asking out, however, you've said yourself that you haven't asked men out, and seem to suggest that wouldn't be something you would consider. So perhaps your assertion that whoever offers the invitation should pay is influenced by the fact you will never be the one paying, so it's a good set up for you?

I can see why it might come across that way but I’ve been clear from the start: I prefer traditional dating dynamics where the man takes the lead and yes, that includes paying when he’s the one doing the asking.

I’m not pretending I’d do it differently - I’ve said I haven’t asked men out and I probably wouldn’t. That doesn’t make the principle any less valid. It’s not about getting a “free ride,” it’s about dating in a way that feels aligned with what I value and what’s worked for me in the past.

OP posts:
Coali · 07/04/2025 15:10

BatchCookBabe · 07/04/2025 14:56

Yeah, you are describing most men. As I said, these tight fisted 'split the bill' men only believe in equality when it comes to women paying for themselves. The split the bill men NEVER extend that 'equality' into pulling their weight around the house, or 'helping' with childcare. The mean, tight arsed miserly with money men are ALWAYS bone idle when it comes to housework, and will avoid looking after their children like the plague!

Ask me on a date, and make me pay for myself, you won't be seeing me again chum!

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That’s pretty much the opposite experience I have had. The ones that have splashed the cash on the first date have tended to be quite sexist. My friends and I were speaking about this recently, we all have husbands who we split the bill with (mostly drinks, a few people had gone out for dinner), and we all have really decent partners. They do their share and more of housework and childcare, treat their partners with respect and love. Not sure if it’s more common for my generation (we are all 80s born).

natura · 07/04/2025 15:09

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:05

I have and that’s exactly the point - it wasn’t about who paid, it was about what that moment reflected. I wasn’t upset over the money itself but how it was handled. When someone invites you out and then treats the date like a transaction, it signals a lack of intentionality. That’s what left a bad taste - not the card machine.

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This is starting to feel like a wind-up.

You think HE was the one treating the date like a transaction?

Instinct1 · 07/04/2025 15:07

You keep repeating it's not about being the man, it's about being the person who does the asking out, however, you've said yourself that you haven't asked men out, and seem to suggest that wouldn't be something you would consider. So perhaps your assertion that whoever offers the invitation should pay is influenced by the fact you will never be the one paying, so it's a good set up for you?

Original poster
ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:05

natura · 07/04/2025 14:56

@ThisSnappyNewt "meaningful connection isn’t built off who tapped the card"...

You've read your OP, right?

I have and that’s exactly the point - it wasn’t about who paid, it was about what that moment reflected. I wasn’t upset over the money itself but how it was handled. When someone invites you out and then treats the date like a transaction, it signals a lack of intentionality. That’s what left a bad taste - not the card machine.

OP posts:
TruthOrNo · 07/04/2025 15:05

Lurkingandlearning · 07/04/2025 15:03

The thing is, men who are going on first dates are probably going on lots of first dates. Maybe multiple dates in a week. Picking up the tab for each of those complete strangers’ night out would cost a fortune.

I think that's a bit optimistic, multiple dates a week. Unless they're brad pitt

Lurkingandlearning · 07/04/2025 15:03

The thing is, men who are going on first dates are probably going on lots of first dates. Maybe multiple dates in a week. Picking up the tab for each of those complete strangers’ night out would cost a fortune.

Original poster
ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:02

NImumconfused · 07/04/2025 14:55

But surely the man can be doing all that too, there's nothing sex-specific in that? If he's present, engaged, well dressed, brings energy and interest etc, etc, why would you also assume he should pay?

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Absolutely - I’d hope he’s also showing up with all those things. But the difference is in who’s initiating. If someone asks me out, chooses the venue, and sets up the plan, then yes - I think it’s thoughtful for them to offer to pay.

It’s not that I think my presence alone earns me a free dinner - it’s that when someone takes the lead in asking someone out, it’s just part of the dynamic to follow through. It’s not about entitlement - it’s about consistency and intentionality.

OP posts:
BatchCookBabe · 07/04/2025 14:59

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 14:52

Gold diggers today are setting their sights really low arent they A free carbonara is all they can aspire to apparently Must be the COL crisis eh!!!! 🙄

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Pretty much what I said. A woman who is asked out on a date by a basic man who is taking her to Wetherspoons or Nandos is NOT what golddiggers aspire to! 😂

And as I said, golddiggers go for proper wealthy men, not £29K a year Nigel who takes his calculator out to make sure he only pays for what HE has. 😆

Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 14:58

natura · 07/04/2025 14:56

@ThisSnappyNewt "meaningful connection isn’t built off who tapped the card"...

You've read your OP, right?

Bravo, honestly.

natura · 07/04/2025 14:56

@ThisSnappyNewt "meaningful connection isn’t built off who tapped the card"...

You've read your OP, right?

BatchCookBabe · 07/04/2025 14:56

x2boys · 07/04/2025 14:46

Agree some people only want equaliity when it suits them

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Yeah, you are describing most men. As I said, these tight fisted 'split the bill' men only believe in equality when it comes to women paying for themselves. The split the bill men NEVER extend that 'equality' into pulling their weight around the house, or 'helping' with childcare. The mean, tight arsed miserly with money men are ALWAYS bone idle when it comes to housework, and will avoid looking after their children like the plague!

Ask me on a date, and make me pay for myself, you won't be seeing me again chum!

NImumconfused · 07/04/2025 14:55

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 14:38

Being present, engaged, warm, open, and intentional is effort - especially on a first date. I show up looking nice, I hold conversation, I’m respectful of someone’s time, and I bring genuine interest and energy to the table.

It’s funny how effort is always reduced to paying the bill but meaningful connection isn’t built off who tapped the card. I just believe if you’re the one initiating and setting the tone, making that gesture is part of showing intentionality. That doesn’t mean I don’t bring anything - just that I bring something different and it’s no less valuable.

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But surely the man can be doing all that too, there's nothing sex-specific in that? If he's present, engaged, well dressed, brings energy and interest etc, etc, why would you also assume he should pay?

Cosyblankets · 07/04/2025 14:55

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 14:11

That’s fair but I didn’t go into the date planning not to see him again. I went in open-minded. It was how things unfolded - especially the way he handled the bill - that made me realise we probably weren’t a match. So no, I wasn’t expecting a free meal but I do pay attention to how people show up and that moment showed me a lot.

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How else would you describe it. You said part way through you weren't feeling it. You wanted him to pay anyway. How is that anything other than a free meal.
Yes it's nice if they offer but if you're not feeling it that's definitely a 50 50 bill

ImmortalSnowman · 07/04/2025 14:55

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 14:52

Gold diggers today are setting their sights really low arent they A free carbonara is all they can aspire to apparently Must be the COL crisis eh!!!! 🙄

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OK freeloader then.

Gold digger was a response to the bitching he was mean for not paying for her dinner when by her own admission the date didn't go well. Maybe he would have paid IF he wanted to see her again.

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 14:54

x2boys · 07/04/2025 14:46

Agree some people only want equaliity when it suits them

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Like the men who want 50/50 when it suits them financially like splitting the cost on dates and getting their partners to pay for all of their own maternity leave. But 50/50 on housework and childcare is yet to happen according to statistics