This may be long, but I’ll try and keep it short.
I have spent this morning extremely distressed, I’m questioning everything including my worth. I feel like a waste of space, from what he had said. I’m too upset to see the situation for what it is.
BF and I had been a bit on and off, but decided to make this official and things had been pretty much smooth sailing from then. We had one argument, that was resolved after we both agreed it was a misunderstanding.
We’ve had very minor disagreements, but no arguments aside from that until yesterday.
He makes significantly more than me, this around 5x more. We don’t live together. He tends to pay for meals out etc. and likes to treat me with things like flowers, but I have never asked for him to pay for anything. I do also pay for myself for other things too.
When we were shopping he had separated our things and said ‘I’ll put your things separately’ referring to the ingredients for our dinner that I was going to cook. He usually eats the majority of our meals (understandably), so I was slightly irritated by this and told him that, but it wasn’t a big deal.
The next day, he made a lemon drizzle cake with my son (he paid for the ingredients) and said he was going to take it home, since he had paid for it and had baked it. I had pointed out this feels like a bit of a double standard, a bit irritating but again not a big deal. He says that he pays for a lot of things for me, I agreed. He then said he spends about £200 per month on me, for which I categorically disagreed. He said he wasn’t going to buy me anything again.
A few minutes later I asked how long until the cake was done, he told me and I said ok when it’s finished you can leave. I was upset and didn’t want him there.
I heard a bang as he left, and I thought he had thrown my son’s car seat into the house, I text him to say it was childish but he says he didn’t throw it and I believe him.
He sent me a text saying that until I apologise, not to contact him. I said I won’t be contacting him then as I don’t feel the needs to apologise, he said ok. I took this as things ending. I then said something along the lines of ‘enjoy fucking the ladies in Thailand’ (I’m not proud of this) as he’s going there this week. I have been feeling stressed about him going as he went last year, and we weren’t together but still somewhat involved and he slept with many people and lied to me about having feeling for another woman. He was well within his rights to do so, as he was single, but it was a point of vulnerability for me. I feel bad that I even said it, and have apologised more than once.
He said he wasn’t ending things, and then ignored me for six hours while he was with friends, I was really upset by this.
He reached out today via text and said he wanted an apology for kicking him out, I said I wasn’t sorry so I wasn’t going to apologise. I said I didn’t feel I’d kicked him out, just asked him to leave as I felt upset and like the day was ruined.
We have previously agreed that we should tackle things head on, so I wasn’t wrong to ask him to leave but I think because I was so upset from the events of the past 12ish hours I couldn’t see it for what it was. I didn’t feel sorry because I was upset and angry.
He then ended things with me, as he feels I am a poor communicator, I am deliberately difficult and speak to him disrespectfully. He feels I have grossly disrespected him.
Things between us had been really lovely until this, so I was taken aback that he’d ended it.
During these exchanges I haven’t been nasty, raised my voice, sworn etc.
He has now said I am a vile person, I am toxic, I am like a dark cloud of sadness, I’m incapable of being happy, and I am not capable of a healthy relationship because of my ‘parents’ fucked up relationship’ growing up. He has told me to fuck off multiple times, that I’m manipulative.
I’ve told him how hurtful I have found his words, and that I really don’t feel them to be true. I am happy, and lots of people comment on my positivity.
He said “You think your actions have nothing to do with how I’ve been?” when referring to how he has spoken to me.
I really just need a fresh pair of eyes please. I acknowledge I have contributed to this, I should have behaved in a better way. It was a blip, but I didn’t see it as a massive deal.
I am genuinely sorry for how I’ve behaved, and I am trying and want to be a good partner. I feel really guilty that I’ve upset him and pushed him to this point.