Stepdaughter and holiday

Yeah I think it's one thing for him to put his DD feelings first and holiday with her rather than expecting her to go on family holidays with OP and her DD. But quite another to then insist she joins his and OP's couple's holiday without OP's DD.

Sounds like OP is already compromising enough by never having the family holidays she wants to have. If he is not going to make that happen surely he should at least go on holiday with his wife occasionally.

Sorry - quotation fail - was trying unsuccessfully to quote @RawBloomers . Sorry!

His life is built around her and her DD to the disadvantage of the DSD was what should have been highlighted…..

^His life is built around her and her DD to the disadvantage of the DSD*

It didn’t read like that to me; it struck me that he was very much “Mum’s husband” to the OP’s DD rather than a (step)father figure and that his life was based very firmly around seeing his own DD. Nothing wrong with that, but then they aren’t a blended family and then perfectly understandable if the OP doesn’t want to holiday with his child when she knows full well he won’t go with just her and hers…..

Not really... He doesn't go on holiday with OP and DD. He holidays separately with his DD instead. This trip is a chance for OP to actually holiday with her husband, who refuses to holiday with OP and DD when DSD refuses to go, so he goes away with her instead

I think this is definitely a DH problem.

Well, obviously, he can if OP lets him. I’m saying I think she should let him. His life is built around her and her DD to the disadvantage of the DSD and this is not an unreasonable way for her to reciprocate a tiny amount.

How much time does your step daughter get to spend with her father without your daughter there? Because that time matters.

If you WANTED your stepdaughter to come along on this trip, I'd say it's perfectly reasonable for her to be invited even if your daughter can't come and wrong to disinvite SD BECAUSE D won't be going, especially as D will have another holiday.

However, you DON'T want SD to come, so she isn't invited.

Ignore the comments from SD's mother - they make no sense (13 isn't old enough to babysit, and SD is avoiding D anyway so would make a horribly inept babysitter!) but more importantly, it's none of her business and she has no say.

You could try telling SD that D is coming after all and the two will be sharing a room as there's no other space, and see if SD backs out.😁

If it's your work trip he can't just decide his kid comes along too!

Do you need suggestions for special things to do with your DD … that you won’t do with SD?
Start a new chat with the destination & time of year.
On the SD holiday, make time for yourself & do family things you want to do … that aren’t special for SD.

be selfish.

If it’s your work trip, I’d say either he comes alone or he shouldn’t bother!

It’s a bit weird he wants to bring his DD on your couple’s holiday….

I agree you have a DH problem.

I'd take my daughter along as well. Pull her out of school. At 11 it's not the end of the world.

OP has said that the stepdaughter does go away alone with both her mother and her father.
I can understand what she doesn't want to share a room at her father's house if she isn't used to sharing but I don't see any reason to feel sorry for her

It’s her own work trip so she can’t really drop out.
I’d tell him he was no longer welcome.

I think you need to separate issues for simplicity. You want a couple holiday , your DH doesn’t want it (because when he wants to take SD with him it’s not a couple holiday anymore). So don’t do couple holiday with him - go on your own if it’s a work trip for you. Put it this way and stick to it.

Not sharing a room is a different issue. I would be more understanding about it. They are not sisters and some people are less inclined to share a room. But I would address this and the trip separately.

I mean ops dh has shown time and time again he doesn’t mind op and her daughter being the other so I’m not sure why she’s shocked he would turn a couples trip into with his daughter.

But really it’s up to DH to ensure he spends more time with his daughter then, isn’t it?

IMO it’s hugely unreasonable to expect the OP to invite DSD on their adults only addition to a work trip, but leave DD at home because DSD doesn’t want anything to do with her!

Your only option is to cancel the trip. Just have your work time and maybe a few days afterwards alone.
Tell your husband directly that you have no interest in spending your holiday with him and his daughter, just as he has no interest in spending his holiday with you and your daughter.

Agreed. But it appears we are in the minority.

I guess her dad had better get a job where he goes on work trips like this, then. When he does, he can choose to take his daughter. He can't piggyback on his wife's work trip to play bountiful dad.

By pointing out that she and DD spend lots of time with DH whereas DSD doesn’t, and that DD is also going to the States with OP this year.

Tell your husband that if she comes you aren't going to stay with them and stick by it. It's absolutely disgusting how he's willing to bend the rules for his daughter but not yours

This.
And why do some adults find it so difficult to say NO to their children from time to time??

It’s a work trip. My OH would not dream of inviting SS along to that if my own DD hadn’t been invited.

This is all shades of messed up.

You are allowed adult time OP but the dynamics between the two girls needs to be addressed this is a mess.

The SD has been invited on all holidays that you’ve been on as a family, up to her whether she chooses to come. She has dad and daughter holidays and you’re having a mother daughter holiday. This is an adults only no kids holiday so like your daughter your SD is not invited.