Page 5 | Stepdaughter and holiday

Tinogirl · 2025-04-07T12:11:10+00:00

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them. She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so. She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family. My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us. This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays. Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case. Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

Flutterbyby · 07/04/2025 23:26

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 22:44

We almost agree. 😂

As you’ve just pointed out they are related by their parents marriage! That IS the definition of a step - sibling. It’s not the same as a biological sibling, but they do now have parents that are married, meaning they are step-siblings?

I also agree you can’t MAKE them care about one another, or value that in any way if they don’t want to. You can’t insist biological siblings care about one another either?! (Although granted it’s often easier!)

My husbands MIL is still my MIL? I might not like her, but it doesn’t change the fact that she exists as part of the family tree when you write it all down!

Anyway, I fear we are driving this thread wildly off course!

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We don't. You seem to think step sibling means something ..it doesn't. It's not a sibling.

Your husband's mil is your mother, btw.

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 23:09

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 22:34

That would be pretty bitchy given the dynamic between the girls.

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You’re entitled to your opinion but it wouldn’t be malicious in any way to me!

For me, the whole family goes and tries to get along, which it seems is not possible. Or they continue with their separate holidays with their children / do an adults only holiday. It’s a trip to America, not a lunch out - I think it would be very unfair to the child left behind for both adults to take one of the children and not invite both.

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 22:44

Flutterbyby · 07/04/2025 22:32

They aren't siblings at all. They're related by their parents marriage, you can't make them care about each other.

Too many parents just expect their kids to fall in line and blend, and why should they?

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We almost agree. 😂

As you’ve just pointed out they are related by their parents marriage! That IS the definition of a step - sibling. It’s not the same as a biological sibling, but they do now have parents that are married, meaning they are step-siblings?

I also agree you can’t MAKE them care about one another, or value that in any way if they don’t want to. You can’t insist biological siblings care about one another either?! (Although granted it’s often easier!)

My husbands MIL is still my MIL? I might not like her, but it doesn’t change the fact that she exists as part of the family tree when you write it all down!

Anyway, I fear we are driving this thread wildly off course!

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 22:34

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 20:50

I agree it’s perfectly reasonable to expect OP to spend time with him and his DD sometimes. Asides from the fact it’s her work trip… a holiday to America is a huge exciting, expensive experience, it’s a bit different to an afternoon out isn’t it. In my opinion, if both of the adults are present, all of the children or none of the children should be invited. OP would be failing her own daughter by not inviting her - school or not! 🤷🏻‍♀️

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That would be pretty bitchy given the dynamic between the girls.

Flutterbyby · 07/04/2025 22:32

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 21:27

They aren’t full siblings by blood, no. I don’t share blood with my dads brothers wife, but she’s still my auntie?!

They ARE step-siblings, their parents are married now. One or both children may not like it, can’t help not liking it, asserts their right to reject it. But it doesn’t make it any less true!

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They aren't siblings at all. They're related by their parents marriage, you can't make them care about each other.

Too many parents just expect their kids to fall in line and blend, and why should they?

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 22:30

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2025 20:28

^His life is built around her and her DD to the disadvantage of the DSD*

It didn’t read like that to me; it struck me that he was very much “Mum’s husband” to the OP’s DD rather than a (step)father figure and that his life was based very firmly around seeing his own DD. Nothing wrong with that, but then they aren’t a blended family and then perfectly understandable if the OP doesn’t want to holiday with his child when she knows full well he won’t go with just her and hers…..

I didn’t mean he took on the father role for OP’s DD, but that his home life is with OP and her DD. He chose to move in with a family his own DD does not feel comfortable with to the extent that she won’t visit. A meal once a week, a bit of driving around, a monthly stay at his parents, and holidays when his DW goes off with her own DD. But day in day out he’s in a house with OP and her DD. That’s not a life built around his DD. It’s a life built around OP that he tries to fit his DD into a bit.

He may not go on holiday with her, but he spends quite a lot of time without his DD and with OP and her DD. Yet OP won’t spend a few days with her DH and his DD on one occasion, because she wants a couple’s holiday (which isn’t a bad thing in itself, but seems somewhat selfish in this instance given the amount of time her DH spends apart from his DD so that he can be with OP).

UnicornBubble · 07/04/2025 21:59

Totally reasonable for you to want a couple’s trip. Tell hubby he can take her there on his next trip with her.
What is SD like when it’s just you and her dad with her? Are you likely to be ‘left out’ of your own trip plans?

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 21:27

Flutterbyby · 07/04/2025 21:19

They're not though. They're not related. Adults decide to get married and then decide their children are now family...those children don't have to agree. You can't force children to accept relationships that they don't want.

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They aren’t full siblings by blood, no. I don’t share blood with my dads brothers wife, but she’s still my auntie?!

They ARE step-siblings, their parents are married now. One or both children may not like it, can’t help not liking it, asserts their right to reject it. But it doesn’t make it any less true!

TooMuchRedMaybe · 07/04/2025 21:20

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 20:39

I don't really get how a child gets to decide to go on a couple's holiday having refused to go on family holidays and been taken on holidays by her dad instead?

I don't think there's any harm in saying this is a break just for adults. Otherwise you might end up with this happening every year - OP holidays with DD, DH holidays with DSD but then DSD also decides she wants to come on any holiday DH & OP arrange without DD?

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I don't think she has decided, presumably her dad asked her and she said yes otherwise she wouldn't even know about it.

Outofthepan · 07/04/2025 21:20

YANBU

You are entitled to an adult holiday, it’s good for your relationship.

Id be very pissed if if I were you and would not go along with this

Flutterbyby · 07/04/2025 21:19

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 16:43

She’s not a random 11 year old now though is she because her dad HAS married this child’s mum and now the two girls ARE part of the same family, whether blood related or not. IMO it’s pretty rude to not give the relationship any sort of chance if there’s no bigger story here...

Anyway I voted YANBU to want to have a holiday with your husband without any children.

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They're not though. They're not related. Adults decide to get married and then decide their children are now family...those children don't have to agree. You can't force children to accept relationships that they don't want.

harriethoyle · 07/04/2025 21:16

@GailPlattsDeadHusband i don’t recognise your username but I absolutely love it 🤣

GailPlattsDeadHusband · 07/04/2025 21:16

I recognise your user name, from your previous threads. I think the issues with your step daughter are a lot more complex than what you have presented here.

HonoriaBulstrode · 07/04/2025 21:06

There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his wife should spend a tiny amount of time with him and his DD.

The only person preventing that is DSD herself. She rarely stays at OP's home and refuses to go on holiday with OP. If DH thinks his wife and daughter ought to spend time together, he needs to address that.

There'd be absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his DD should spend a tiny amunt of time with OP at her home, would there?

thing47 · 07/04/2025 20:59

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 07/04/2025 20:40

If it’s a work trip how is it affected?

are they funding it?

when I used to go away with work they were happy for partners to go as no extra costs re. Hotel rooms. Children were a no though as it’s work, so a distraction, and family rooms cost more than a double.

There’s often social events which are fine for partners but not children.

id simply say no, it’s work, it’s me and a partner only. If he won’t come without Sd he doesn’t come.

he can take her at some other point. They don’t have to go on your work trip.

This. A million times over.

'i'm on a work trip, darling. Your daughter can't come, it's not appropriate.' The end.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 07/04/2025 20:59

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2025 20:55

why would an 11 year old be in school but not the 13 year old?

My DDs go to different schools and the holidays aren’t always aligned. Could be a case of that? Or DSD is in a private school with longer holidays and DD isn’t?

Duh just reread o/p and she says sd has longer holidays.

WimpoleHat · 07/04/2025 20:55

why would an 11 year old be in school but not the 13 year old?

My DDs go to different schools and the holidays aren’t always aligned. Could be a case of that? Or DSD is in a private school with longer holidays and DD isn’t?

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 07/04/2025 20:52

Doesn’t the stepdaughter have school?

why would an 11 year old be in school but not the 13 year old?

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 20:50

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 20:34

They aren’t leaving DD at home because DSD doesn’t want anything to do with her, they are leaving DD at home because she has school.

DSD doesn’t like DD. That’s not her fault. It’s not some awful character flaw that OP has a right to think badly of her about. She didn’t get to look around at all the kids to find the one she liked most and then insist her dad made a life with the kid’s mother.

DH spends virtually all his life with OP and her DD. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his wife should spend a tiny amount of time with him and his DD.

There’s also nothing unreasonable about a childfree couple’s holiday, but there isn’t nearly as much flexibility to do this with DSD as there will be to arrange a couple holiday at some point in the future, hence my suggestion that on this occasion the DSD should be prioritised.

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I agree it’s perfectly reasonable to expect OP to spend time with him and his DD sometimes. Asides from the fact it’s her work trip… a holiday to America is a huge exciting, expensive experience, it’s a bit different to an afternoon out isn’t it. In my opinion, if both of the adults are present, all of the children or none of the children should be invited. OP would be failing her own daughter by not inviting her - school or not! 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsPeterHarris · 07/04/2025 20:47

Snorlaxo · 07/04/2025 14:32

The problem is your husband.

SD is a teen so will obviously try and negotiate the best deal for herself which is obviously holidays without your dd. She does this because she knows what her dad is like (easily manipulated ) so will be thinking why not?

Yanbu to want a child free holiday. Uninvite your h if he can’t say no to his daughter.

This! You have a DH problem. Uninvite him and enjoy some alone time at the end of your work trip.

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 20:43

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 20:36

In the sense that he was a git and a pretty awful father for marrying into a family where his DD didn’t get on with the other child - I very much agree.

I don’t know why a woman would want to go on holiday with a man like that, let alone marry him and have him around her own DD 24/7.

Edited (pressed post too soon): but she apparently feels that isn’t a terrible character flaw. She is happy to have him with her and her DD and away from his own DD most of the time. Giving up a few days couples holiday is a relatively tiny sacrifice in comparison.

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Yeah it doesn't sound great, does it.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 07/04/2025 20:40

If it’s a work trip how is it affected?

are they funding it?

when I used to go away with work they were happy for partners to go as no extra costs re. Hotel rooms. Children were a no though as it’s work, so a distraction, and family rooms cost more than a double.

There’s often social events which are fine for partners but not children.

id simply say no, it’s work, it’s me and a partner only. If he won’t come without Sd he doesn’t come.

he can take her at some other point. They don’t have to go on your work trip.

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 20:39

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 20:34

They aren’t leaving DD at home because DSD doesn’t want anything to do with her, they are leaving DD at home because she has school.

DSD doesn’t like DD. That’s not her fault. It’s not some awful character flaw that OP has a right to think badly of her about. She didn’t get to look around at all the kids to find the one she liked most and then insist her dad made a life with the kid’s mother.

DH spends virtually all his life with OP and her DD. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his wife should spend a tiny amount of time with him and his DD.

There’s also nothing unreasonable about a childfree couple’s holiday, but there isn’t nearly as much flexibility to do this with DSD as there will be to arrange a couple holiday at some point in the future, hence my suggestion that on this occasion the DSD should be prioritised.

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I don't really get how a child gets to decide to go on a couple's holiday having refused to go on family holidays and been taken on holidays by her dad instead?

I don't think there's any harm in saying this is a break just for adults. Otherwise you might end up with this happening every year - OP holidays with DD, DH holidays with DSD but then DSD also decides she wants to come on any holiday DH & OP arrange without DD?

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 20:36

Curlycurio · 07/04/2025 20:27

Not really... He doesn't go on holiday with OP and DD. He holidays separately with his DD instead. This trip is a chance for OP to actually holiday with her husband, who refuses to holiday with OP and DD when DSD refuses to go, so he goes away with her instead

I think this is definitely a DH problem.

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In the sense that he was a git and a pretty awful father for marrying into a family where his DD didn’t get on with the other child - I very much agree.

I don’t know why a woman would want to go on holiday with a man like that, let alone marry him and have him around her own DD 24/7.

Edited (pressed post too soon): but she apparently feels that isn’t a terrible character flaw. She is happy to have him with her and her DD and away from his own DD most of the time. Giving up a few days couples holiday is a relatively tiny sacrifice in comparison.

RawBloomers · 07/04/2025 20:34

steelingmyself · 07/04/2025 19:19

But really it’s up to DH to ensure he spends more time with his daughter then, isn’t it?

IMO it’s hugely unreasonable to expect the OP to invite DSD on their adults only addition to a work trip, but leave DD at home because DSD doesn’t want anything to do with her!

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They aren’t leaving DD at home because DSD doesn’t want anything to do with her, they are leaving DD at home because she has school.

DSD doesn’t like DD. That’s not her fault. It’s not some awful character flaw that OP has a right to think badly of her about. She didn’t get to look around at all the kids to find the one she liked most and then insist her dad made a life with the kid’s mother.

DH spends virtually all his life with OP and her DD. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about him thinking his wife should spend a tiny amount of time with him and his DD.

There’s also nothing unreasonable about a childfree couple’s holiday, but there isn’t nearly as much flexibility to do this with DSD as there will be to arrange a couple holiday at some point in the future, hence my suggestion that on this occasion the DSD should be prioritised.