Stepdaughter and holiday

Sperm donors don’t have relationships with their offspring’s . I can’t grasp why everyone is attacking OP and asking her silly stuff that is irrelevant

So he was just a sperm donor?

You seem very afraid of going against your husband's wishes. That enables him to always give into his daughter's demands. It almost seems like you are a newish girlfriend, not his wife.

so it’s dad’s fault no matter the circumstance? And he has to go above and beyond to make it up to the child?

where’s the mothers responsibility to make it up to a child if she caused the split?

if this is the child’s thinking someone needs to sit down with her and explain exactly who caused the split.

it’s not fair to let a child believe her dad has chosen to abandon her when he hasn’t.

no wonder so many dads struggle to maintain a relationship when children are conditioned to believe dad always left them.

change the child’s perspective. Don’t just pander to some implication that dads always choose to leave their children.

Off course it matters !! My partners ex wife left him by someone she was having an affair with . She was and still is a very selfish woman who dragged 2 boys ( 8 and 12) one day without previous telling them and took them to live with a stranger . Why should he get the blame here ? 5 years after he came to live with me and he is a wonderful step dad to my children ,he is still a wonderful dad to his bio son and previous step son that treats him as a dad , why should he be punished and not allowed to get together with someone again ?
You don’t know OPs husbands reason to separate , you don’t know if he had a choice in his daughter living with him or not

Ok so after I read your update your stepdaughter is a lot like my hubbys step son from a ex relationship , who only tags along if the holiday destination is good or interesting for her . It actually upsets my partner a lot that he is this way as it seems he only uses us for his own benefit instead of actually wanting to spend time with us as a family .
Im unable to say no too but in a way I think it’s a terrible thing to do since we are teaching them using others as he it’s convenient is fine

So you are just caving?

Kids are not invited on this trip. End of.

This really isn’t a hard one.

Call her bluff and announce that your daughter is now going to be on the trip after all?

It doesn't matter whether it was his choice to leave or not. From the child's perspective he left her, and now he lives with another girl and she gets him.wvery day of the week, while his own daughter doesn't.

Ira not difficult to see the problem.

Projection much?

how do you know it was his choice to leave? It may have been her mum’s.

men don’t actually get much of a choice sometimes- if she had an affair it’s still him who leaves to to our societal expectation that children remain with mum.

We don't really know the backstory to know what has happened as far as whether SD lived with DH previously

Why wouldn't the SD be resentful and unhappy?

Her father leaves her and goes to live with another woman and her daughter. He chooses to live with a young girl who is not his daughter, while choosing not to live with his actual daughter.
In what planet would you not be unhappy and resentful if you were his daughter?

Quite a few people talking about how they should put DSD first.

Sorry, but OP's daughter should come first for OP and it would be pretty mean to intentionally organise a family holiday that excludes her. That would be hurtful, especially when DD may well know that DSD refuses any holidays that do include her.

I remember some of OP's previous threads and it sounds like DSD has a larger family and generally a lot more family support and opportunities than DD has. I reckon this has in part been made worse by the separate holidaying where DP's family join him.

It is clear SD and DH are not bothered about actually creating a blended family including DD, so taking DSD away without DD would just make no sense and be pretty cruel to DD.

This is all really sad and sounds like two young girls need supporting better.
what have the discussions been like with your SD as to why shoe resents your DD, how does your DD feel?
how well connected with SD are you?
sounds like nobody knows what the rules of engagement in this family are which will breed resentment and insecurity.
have a serious chat with with your H about what this family actually looks like and how you both want it to function. Either some huge effort needs putting in to understanding where both kids are at and work on those issues or you take the route that you parent very separately, no shared holidays.

This sounds like a blended family that doesn’t work for at least one of the kids.

I agree with you here. Step siblings definitely don't have to mean anything. It exists as a term of course but it doesn't mean sibling.

My mum met a new partner when me, my siblings and his kids were all late teens/early 20s. None of us view each other as step siblings. We have never lived together under one roof (neither have these two girls) and other than the odd dinner with our parents we don't see or speak to each other. I feel as connected to them as I do to my neighbour or the postman.

@bigvig she can’t back out 😀 It’s her work trip!! She will be going regardless.

She kindly offered to share her room with her DH and to stay on a few days so they could have a nice couples break. DH doesn’t want/appreciate this, and has invited his DD along.

OP is perfectly within her rights to rescind her invitation to DH, and absolutely within her rights to say she wanted some couple time, so neither DD nor DSD invited.

At this point, I don’t think it’s salvageable and she should just enjoy her business trip alone. DH has ruined the vibe by trying to shoe horn DSD into it.

I would back out OP. Let them go together. The holiday will be miserable if it's the three of you. The problem is obviously your DH- not the SD. She just needs clear boundaries and to be taught some basic manners.

OR since the girl is off school she comes along and the grown up step mum plans a separate holiday when kids in school

his daughter comes first, just like your daughter should come first. plan a holiday alone when both girls are at school and stop competing with you step daughter!! PS she doesn’t have to get along with your daughter.

Hahaha yes my apologies - of course my husbands MIL is my mother! 😂 It’s getting late and I’m bowing out after that clanger - I’m sure you understand what I was getting at…😂😂

We disagree that the term step sibling has no meaning. It might hold no value to you but it is a recognised term.