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Original poster

Stepdaughter and holiday

234 replies

Tinogirl · 07/04/2025 13:11

My stepdaughter has no interest in having a relationship with my daughter. There is 18 months between them.

She rarely stays with us so my husband takes her for a meal in the week and collects her from events/hobbies etc. He also stays with her at MiL’s every month or so.

She has been on holiday with us twice in 7 years on both occasions to The States. On the second occasion she refused to share a room with my daughter. When we go on holiday as a family husband will then take her on a separate holiday, on occasion they are joined by their extended family.

My daughter and I sometimes go away with my mother and sometimes we are joined by one of my brothers and his family, my husband doesn’t ever want to join us.

This year my daughter and I are going to see cousin in The States on our own and my husband and I are going away again to The States on our own. This is being tacked onto a work trip. Stepdaughter wants to come on this trip. I have said no but husband says she can come. It will be a rare opportunity for us to be together and the dynamic will change if she is there. I would also then feel guilty about my daughter. Husband argues that my daughter will be at school but stepdaughter has longer holidays.

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

Step-daughter has many holidays and enjoys quite a privileged life with her mother.

OP posts:
AnotherNaCha · 09/04/2025 09:57

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 09/04/2025 09:42

from a child psychology perspective this trip is in a location she wants to go to. That is why she’s invited herself.

she gets holidays with her father. She turns some of them downs. If it’s a holiday with her father she wants, she can go on holiday with her father.

she doesn’t get to go on someone else’s work trip because she fancies a trip there.

Show quote history

I think it’s because it’s without the daughter so she doesn’t have to deal with the dynamics that aren’t comfortable. Why is fair enough! Step children shouldn’t have any obligation to enjoy spending time with step siblings. They’ve been thrown together beyond their control and it’s completely normal if they don’t like hanging out together. Sounds like OP is forcing this and punishing SD as she doesn’t want to hang out in a 3 that doesn’t include her own child

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 09/04/2025 09:42

AnotherNaCha · 09/04/2025 00:13

May be controversial but why doesn’t your SD want to be friends with yours? From a child psychology perspective with blended families, sounds like it could be because your daughter is clearly favoured over her, thus these feelings emerging.
Let her go. She’s a child wanting a holiday with her father. You’ll have him all to yourself soon enough

from a child psychology perspective this trip is in a location she wants to go to. That is why she’s invited herself.

she gets holidays with her father. She turns some of them downs. If it’s a holiday with her father she wants, she can go on holiday with her father.

she doesn’t get to go on someone else’s work trip because she fancies a trip there.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 09/04/2025 09:31

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It’s a fucking work trip.

she has to work, not piss around catering for a child.

funny how no one seems to think the child has an issue only seeing her mum part time. Only dad. Maybe she’s pissed off at mums new husband as well getting to see her mum more than she does.

2024riot · 09/04/2025 08:54

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Are you always quite so insufferable ?

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2025 00:45

By amazing I mean such longer holidays

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2025 00:44

sds mother needs to be told that in a healthy relationship the adults spend time together, and it’s a joke to think her dd would babysit yours when her dd has barely got the manners to say hello.
a trip to the us is a big deal, it’s not a conference in Brighton. I wouldn’t be taking sd and not my dd. For MY work trip! If she has such amazing holidays he can spend some of them with her. Modelling kind behaviour perhaps.

Pippyls67 · 09/04/2025 00:22

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Isxmasoveryet · 09/04/2025 00:18

So it ok to reject Ur daughter for whatever reason I n ended a husband and your kids feelings are surplus to that I mean step daughter doesn't like her n has made it clear you made it clear this is acceptable as has new husband everyone dances to stepdaughter tune n Ur kid just has to accept it n keep quiet u not got a husband problem it a u problem in my book Ur poor kid

AnotherNaCha · 09/04/2025 00:13

May be controversial but why doesn’t your SD want to be friends with yours? From a child psychology perspective with blended families, sounds like it could be because your daughter is clearly favoured over her, thus these feelings emerging.
Let her go. She’s a child wanting a holiday with her father. You’ll have him all to yourself soon enough

Crazyworldmum · 09/04/2025 00:09

Flutterbyby · 08/04/2025 17:20

These posts about blame are so missing the point. It does not matter who left who or whether they ever lived together at all its irrelevant. That's about the adults and their choices.

Stop being so selfish and try and see it from a young child's point of view: my dad lives full time with that girl and not with me. She gets my dad, and I don't.

Show quote history

And as adults it’s our job as parents to change that mindset so that children don’t think that way and can see logic and not only superficial feelings . Every child is affected the moment another one changes med into okay being a new sibling a new step child or any other way dobro e cones to one of your parents households but explaining and making them understand why it happens and that it doesn’t change the live or attention you will give them it’s the parents job .

Codlingmoths · 08/04/2025 23:10

I think I wouldn’t go. You’ve always invited sd on your family holidays, you cant invite your dd on this one. I’d say I’ve been thinking about this and it wasn’t a family holiday and doesn’t meet the family holiday category, where we always invite both girls. I won’t be going anymore. I’ll take a few days after my trip to see x but then I’ll come back. It’s a shame, I was looking forward to a holiday with you. But that’s not what you’ve decided.

nomas · 08/04/2025 23:00

Stepdaughter’s mother has said that if she can’t go with us just because my daughter isn’t there it will look as if we only invite her to be a babysitter for my daughter. That has never been the case.

You are allowed to have a trip with your husband without dsd.

And it sounds like dsd’s mum is the one whispering poison into her dd’s ears. What 13yo dsd babysits her 11yo dss?!

nomas · 08/04/2025 22:54

Tinogirl · 08/04/2025 16:18

Watermill

Looks like it.

I am hoping something better comes along for her between now and then.

Why though?

I would just leave them to it. You are worth more than being step-dd’s lackey.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 08/04/2025 22:28

Just say no OP. Either he comes for the couples trip as planned or not at all.

Missingpop · 08/04/2025 22:19

She sounds a proper spoilt little brag that has daddy wrapped around her finger; & he’s being spineless for not making a stand years ago he’s still listening to his ex wife & she’s using the brat to play the fiddle to keep daddy dancing to her tune. Tell him to either man up & stand up to his brat or he can go on the second trip alone with said brat

Vaxtable · 08/04/2025 22:11

Tinogirl · 08/04/2025 18:52

It’s indifference rather than hatred.

My husband knows I am disappointed but he is just so delighted she wants to come.

Personally I would be coming home after the work trip and he can go on holiday with his daughter on his own

whatever people on here say and the SD and her father the fact remains op wanted to spend alone time with her partner, and why not, parents often go away on their own or isn’t that allowed with step children are involved?

the SD gets time on holiday with her father as it is,

ButterCrackers · 08/04/2025 22:10

Go on your work trip by yourself. Enjoy some days before or afterwards by yourself. Let your dh go on holiday elsewhere with his dd.

Vaxtable · 08/04/2025 22:08

Nevermindkitten · 08/04/2025 21:43

I can see it is a bit annoying that SD is picking and choosing what she wants, but she is 13. I also appreciate that you might have wanted a couples holiday.

However, as a child of divorced parents who always had a room at her dad's and felt very welcome there, I would ask you to think of this from your SD perspective. It sounds like for whatever reason she cannot even stay the night at your house (has to go to MILs). Now your DH wants to welcome her onto a trip and you do not. How would you feel in your SDs place? This is not about whether she also gets lots of lovely holidays with her mother, but about her spending time with her dad and your DH spending time with her. How would you feel if you DH excluded your DD from a trip?

Obviously there are other factors, but I really would consider taking her and then having a couples weekend away separately if possible.

What about the op and her husband spending quality time together, or is that not allowed in your world?

edited to add the partner already takes her away sepertagely as she doesn’t want to be part of his new family

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:08

Well her dh is telling her loud and clear his daughters want for a holiday with him comes first over her want to an end of work holiday with him alone.

Vaxtable · 08/04/2025 22:07

Flutterbyby · 08/04/2025 17:20

These posts about blame are so missing the point. It does not matter who left who or whether they ever lived together at all its irrelevant. That's about the adults and their choices.

Stop being so selfish and try and see it from a young child's point of view: my dad lives full time with that girl and not with me. She gets my dad, and I don't.

Show quote history

But the point is she the op wants an adult only holiday! And why not, just because he has a daughter, who he already sees and takes on holiday doesn’t mean she should come on a holiday that was originally for two adults to spend quality time together

Curlycurio · 08/04/2025 21:51

Nevermindkitten · 08/04/2025 21:43

I can see it is a bit annoying that SD is picking and choosing what she wants, but she is 13. I also appreciate that you might have wanted a couples holiday.

However, as a child of divorced parents who always had a room at her dad's and felt very welcome there, I would ask you to think of this from your SD perspective. It sounds like for whatever reason she cannot even stay the night at your house (has to go to MILs). Now your DH wants to welcome her onto a trip and you do not. How would you feel in your SDs place? This is not about whether she also gets lots of lovely holidays with her mother, but about her spending time with her dad and your DH spending time with her. How would you feel if you DH excluded your DD from a trip?

Obviously there are other factors, but I really would consider taking her and then having a couples weekend away separately if possible.

But DSD gets holidays with her dad and gets invited on family holidays though.

I think she wants to go to the states without DD, and DH hasn't said not this time as I'm joining OP at the end of her work trip, not a family holiday.

ButterCrackers · 08/04/2025 21:45

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 08/04/2025 21:43

Second post from the o/p

I have to go on the trip in October for work and want a couple’s holiday afterwards, just the two of us

Show quote history

Ok.
Then it’s outrageous.

Nevermindkitten · 08/04/2025 21:43

I can see it is a bit annoying that SD is picking and choosing what she wants, but she is 13. I also appreciate that you might have wanted a couples holiday.

However, as a child of divorced parents who always had a room at her dad's and felt very welcome there, I would ask you to think of this from your SD perspective. It sounds like for whatever reason she cannot even stay the night at your house (has to go to MILs). Now your DH wants to welcome her onto a trip and you do not. How would you feel in your SDs place? This is not about whether she also gets lots of lovely holidays with her mother, but about her spending time with her dad and your DH spending time with her. How would you feel if you DH excluded your DD from a trip?

Obviously there are other factors, but I really would consider taking her and then having a couples weekend away separately if possible.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 08/04/2025 21:43

ButterCrackers · 08/04/2025 21:37

I read it that it was the dh who would be working because it’s asked that his daughter comes along.
if it’s the op working then it’s even more outrageous that the ex of her dh would want the dd/dsd to tag along on the work trip of her ex dh partner.

Show quote history

Second post from the o/p

I have to go on the trip in October for work and want a couple’s holiday afterwards, just the two of us

Outofthepan · 08/04/2025 21:39

I think the op is on a work trip and tacked the holiday with her DP onto the end