Stepdaughter and holiday

Where did I say OP should prioritise DSD over her DD?what makes you think I think that OP shouldn’t prioritise DD?

in fact, I do believe I said earlier that I would have been gone cos I wouldn’t put my child through this, i.e I would prioritise them over my marriage.

DSD isn’t the issue here, it sounds like DH won’t go away without his DD. Which is his prerogative.

TBH it doesn’t sound like he wants to spend time with OP

If DH prioritises DSD over OP and her DD then why does OP need to prioritise her DSD over her own daughter?

Surely each parent has the right to prioritise their own child? Ergo, DSD goes on holiday with her dad and OP says no to DSD joining her work trip when her own DD can’t join.

Sums it up

It's the OP business trip and she is inviting her DP along. It wasn't for him to extend an invite to his DC.

Are you saying that the DSD cannot be resentful that dad lives with another woman and child because her parents never did?

TBF I don’t think the DSD sounds jealous or resentful, DH clearly priorities her over them anyway only OP and DD seem unhappy with the arrangements.

If you read the thread you would know that the dh was never with dsds mum.

Not sure you actually watched Grange Hill! 😂

Op, channel your inner Zammo and just say no. It's a work trip not a family holiday.

From what OP has said (and other threads) she barely sees DSD, DH sees her in the week, has her at MIL house and extended family functions often exclude OP and/or DD.

It’s very sad but this DH doesn’t seem vested in the marriage, is this why you wanted a couples hol? A kind of 1 off?

It sounds like for DH if his DD doesn’t go on hol, neither does he so this won’t work.

I don’t really get why so many are focused on DSD, this is a marriage issue. It sounds like DH avoids hols with OP.
cos the natural answer to ‘we are going to x’ was oh it’s for DW work trip no kids can come.

And that’s after you ask why he even told her in the first place, maybe he actually invited DSD.

It’s a strange set up and if OP I’d be out of there for my DD sake

“”I have to go on the trip in October for work and want a couple’s holiday afterwards, just the two of us. I have told my DH this but he is delighted his child wants to come.“”

so it’s your work trip ? Then no she can’t come and neither can your husband. Easy. You have dh problem, he needs to learn to say no.

kind of the point I’m trying to make, the focus seems on behaviour and the inconvenience of it rather than an effort to understand these kids feelings

A million percent this. It's so simple and primal but everybody claims to not understand how important it is to a child when their dad lives full-time with kids that aren't related to them.

Here we go again…

Our chat the other evening got me thinking quite hard about the definition, and meaning, of family- and how different that is for different people!

You’ve spent quite a lot of this thread popping up to remind us all that universally stepfamilies aren’t families.

I liked this definition I found:

networks of people who share their lives over long periods of time, bound by ties of marriage, blood, law, or commitment, legal or otherwise, who consider themselves as family, and who share a significant history and anticipated future of functioning as a family.

It covers the right to decline family, but also validates the commitment / marriage / historical / legal aspect of family.

How is the OP the one with an attitude when she’s being guilt tripped into letting her DSD tag along on her business trip even though her own dd isn’t coming?

If DSD is so indifferent to OP, she shouldn’t be tagging along on her step-mother’s trip and should go on the numerous holidays she already goes on with her mum and dad.

An attitude when both their DDs are around. Because she’s clearly pissed off that SD isn’t making enough effort with her DD and that would be obvious. She has nothing negative to say about her otherwise

Think that’s very childish and mean

This is absolutely genius, definitely do this!!

Even if you have no intention of your daughter coming, would it be worthwhile mentioning to your DSD that if she comes then your DD will also be coming (which may put her off).

If OP has an attitude, why is he tagging along on her business trip?

Agreed. DSD gets plenty of holidays with both her mum and her dad.

OP’s DH is being a knob by ignoring OP’s wishes and telling DSD she can come, especially as it’s OP’s business trip.

Basically SD can opt out of her dad's plans such as family holidays because she has another parent who lives separately. She can just opt in when it's something she really wants to do, whereas children without that setup generally have to rub along with whatever their parents have planned, which is probably what OP'S DD has to do. The fact she can opt out and opt in in that way in general doesn't mean she should be able to invite herself along on OP's holiday. She already has the option to go or not go on family holidays, and holiday with her dad alone.

Maybe he does that because of OPs attitude. We can’t really know and OP is hardly going to admit that if it’s true

That's different. That's their parents, their family. Not someone else's parent, unrelated people.

You know, biological siblings also don't choose each other and generally just have to go along with family plans that their parents arrange.

Sounds like OP is forcing this and punishing SD as she doesn’t want to hang out in a 3 that doesn’t include her own child

But from what the OP has said, the DH is never prepared to holiday in a 3 that doesn’t include his own child. So, on that basis, this arrangement is really unfair to the OP’s DD. Not to mention the OP, whose trip it is!