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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband says I can't have a pottery wheel even though my neighbour has offered to let me keep it in her studio

458 replies

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 12:59

I don't ask for much but really fancy a second hand pottery wheel. My husband says it's a waste of money and that I won't use it much. I feel really sad as I have fancied one for years. My neighbour has even offered to put it in her shed/studio as we don't have room for it. AIBU?

OP posts:
itsnotagameshow · 07/04/2025 14:07

noidea69 · 07/04/2025 13:58

100% this, is you are husband basing his actions on the person your are, rather than the person you would like yourself to be.

Show quote history

But why would it matter if OP tries it, then doesn't use it as much (or at all)? She is a grown women, allowed to try stuff and live her life. She could always sell it on. How controlling it would be for a partner to say no, you won't use it enough, she's not their child.

CockSpadget · 07/04/2025 14:06

I’m fuming on your behalf! He is your husband, not your manager. Get the wheel OP, I really hope it hasn’t sold.

Shetlands · 07/04/2025 14:06

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 14:01

Hmm...he said that we don't have room for it and he thinks I won't use it much and I should just stick to painting. When I told him our neighbour offered to let me keep one at hers (we discussed this about two years ago) he stormed out of the house. I think that I should be allowed to buy it with my own money and use it as often or as little as I choose.

I suspect there's more tension in your marriage than just this pottery wheel. What do you mean by 'allowed'? Does he have the final say in everything? Have you ever done anything against his wishes before or do you always defer to his opinion?

Doggymummar · 07/04/2025 14:06

Do you have a kiln?

AthWat · 07/04/2025 14:05

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 14:01

Hmm...he said that we don't have room for it and he thinks I won't use it much and I should just stick to painting. When I told him our neighbour offered to let me keep one at hers (we discussed this about two years ago) he stormed out of the house. I think that I should be allowed to buy it with my own money and use it as often or as little as I choose.

That sounds far more like "shouldn't" than "can't". An opinion he is perfectly within his rights to express, as long as he accepts your decision to buy it, if you do.

100percenthagitude · 07/04/2025 14:05

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 13:56

I really don't know. He said the only way I can have one is if we move house, but I don't really want to move, and am happy to pop round to my lovely neighbour's studio to use it. I am finding this forum really helpful. Thanks, it is good to hear different viewpoints.

I'd be moving into neighbour's studio to get aware from arsehole husband

londongirl12 · 07/04/2025 14:04

You don’t need his permission. He gets his guitars, you get your pottery wheel. Don't ask, just tell him.

Original poster
Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 14:03

Thank you. I think I am just going to get it (if it hasn't sold already!)

OP posts:
almostbloody50 · 07/04/2025 14:03

Tell him to piss off.

SunnyWarrington · 07/04/2025 14:02

So, as an artist selling your work, you are presumably a sole trader, and a pottery wheel is a legitimate business expense. As would be the clay, and the firing costs.
If he won't help you move it, hire someone locally to do so (also a business expense)
If you already have established channels for selling your work, I presume you'll have outlets for the pots also. Tell him you're going to be the next Picasso (not he attitude to women, just the pots) and crack on!
Good Luck!

StrangerThings1 · 07/04/2025 14:02

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 12:59

I don't ask for much but really fancy a second hand pottery wheel. My husband says it's a waste of money and that I won't use it much. I feel really sad as I have fancied one for years. My neighbour has even offered to put it in her shed/studio as we don't have room for it. AIBU?

Buy it, I think you would love it, and anyway even if you don’t you can sell it on
Your husband has his hobbies, you are entitled to yours
You shouldn’t really need his permission for this

Lurkingandlearning · 07/04/2025 14:02

I can see how he might have an opinion on something you want to buy with your money in a conversational way. But why on earth does he get to veto purchases you want to make with your own money? Or put another way, why is he controlling your spending?

Please buy it and make beautiful things.

Youbutterbelieve · 07/04/2025 14:01

Init4thecatz · 07/04/2025 13:02

This is the tricky thing about 'hobbies' in relationships. You want to be supportive, but if your partner tends to have a short attention span, you know it will just end up being wasted money.

So I guess those are my questions. Have you tried other things that got used once, or are now in storage? Do you have a habit of 'fads'? How expensive is the wheel, and is money tight?

Yeah we have this issue in our house. DH goes all in on a hobby only to abandon it weeks later!

thepariscrimefiles · 07/04/2025 14:01

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 13:56

I really don't know. He said the only way I can have one is if we move house, but I don't really want to move, and am happy to pop round to my lovely neighbour's studio to use it. I am finding this forum really helpful. Thanks, it is good to hear different viewpoints.

Does he need all his guitars? Do you control what he buys? He is being awful and you should ignore him and buy the pottery wheel. I'm sure you can find someone to help you install it even if he isn't willing to help.

As you already make money from your art and you are obviously artistic and creative, you may very well make money from your pottery once you are more experienced.

Startrekkeruniverse · 07/04/2025 14:01

Simple solution: “Dave, I’ve bought that pottery wheel. I’m off to use it now so see you in a couple of hours”.

Original poster
Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 14:01

Hmm...he said that we don't have room for it and he thinks I won't use it much and I should just stick to painting. When I told him our neighbour offered to let me keep one at hers (we discussed this about two years ago) he stormed out of the house. I think that I should be allowed to buy it with my own money and use it as often or as little as I choose.

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 07/04/2025 14:00

There is a thing people say on here: "When someone tells you who they are - listen."

AthWat · 07/04/2025 13:59

noidea69 · 07/04/2025 13:58

100% this, is you are husband basing his actions on the person your are, rather than the person you would like yourself to be.

Show quote history

It's immaterial. That's very good grounds for arguing she shouldn't buy it; still gives absolutely no justification for saying "can't".

Shetlands · 07/04/2025 13:59

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 13:57

This is my gut feeling, that I shouldn't need his permission. I'm stunned tbh.

Of COURSE you don't need his permission. Why on earth would you think otherwise? What else do you need his permission for?

noidea69 · 07/04/2025 13:58

LillyPJ · 07/04/2025 13:37

Do you have a history of buying things and then not using them? Perhaps you'd husband knows something we don't.

100% this, is you are husband basing his actions on the person your are, rather than the person you would like yourself to be.

AthWat · 07/04/2025 13:58

Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 13:57

This is my gut feeling, that I shouldn't need his permission. I'm stunned tbh.

What were his actual words? "You can't have one"? If so what did you say to that, and has he said anything like that before?

SheridansPortSalut · 07/04/2025 13:57

He doesn't get to tell you you can't have it. He does get to have an opinion, which you can tell him is duly noted.

Original poster
Observermum1 · 07/04/2025 13:57

This is my gut feeling, that I shouldn't need his permission. I'm stunned tbh.

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 07/04/2025 13:57

Well, it doesn't sound like thinking is something he does that often. Perhaps you should assume he doesn't really NEED his brain and do away with him for the life insurance.

In seriousness, I'd ask him who exactly he thought he was dictating to. He doesn't get to veto anything he isn't paying for.

AthWat · 07/04/2025 13:57

Whether he is right or wrong about it being a waste of money isn't the point.

If he says you can't have one, then your relationship is seriously flawed. It's not his place to tell you what you can or can't do, nor yours to tell him.

Is this what he has said, or are you just using "he said I can't have one" to mean he is arguing that you shouldn't get one?