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Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
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5
llizzie · 10/04/2025 22:47

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 10/04/2025 22:38

If he can’t jet go, HE can leave! Don’t leave your house.

I am inclined to agree with you. It would be a very dangerous step for the OP to take if there is a possibility of a divorce.

If she moves out because the in laws want in, she could register her reason legally to ensure she can return if she leaves with the children to prevent an argument.

That would be for a solicitor to advise.

If it were me, I would tell them the mortgage lender and the house insurers will not give permission, whether she has applied or not.

I have been long time disabled, and had to seek the approval of the mortgage lender and the house insurers to have someone stay. I have heard of other householders having to get rid of lodgers because they did not first seek permission.

If she does that, they can look it up if they don't believe her.

LAMPS1 · 10/04/2025 22:47

This is the time to hold your nerve OP, so that you can remain clear thinking.
You know that you have done nothing wrong. And that they have shamefully done all they can to come to between the two of you today instead of retreating and doing a bit of self reflection after being called out on their conduct.

Stay calm, repeat your boundaries, don’t give an inch. He’s either all in with you or he’s out and it’s over. There’s no compromise from your end. So it’s all or nothing. Time for him to reveal himself once and for all.
Give him his bit of time and space. His head must be spinning from their arm-twisting and brain-washing today.
Let’s hope he wakes up tomorrow and knows exactly what he must do to earn back your trust. He has an awful lot to lose if he regresses back to trying to earn their love and respect instead. And he will be very disappointed further down the line when he realises all he’s lost.,
Best of luck OP.

Hdjdb42 · 10/04/2025 22:46

I'm saddened by your update. Your husband is blaming you for his family's toxic reaction. He ought to be supporting you and speaking from the same page. The fact he didn't consult with you in the first place speaks volumes. Why would he side with his family against you? When he knows he's risking losing you and his children! It's bizarre to say in the very least!

MrsAga · 10/04/2025 22:43

I think I’d be tempted to tell him that while he’s away thinking, you’ll be starting to get things valued & get advice on what you would each walk away with after a divorce. He will then need to choose if he takes his half & shares it with his family that treat him so appallingly growing up or if he’d rather stay & pool his resources with the family he has now. But you have no intention of ever sharing your half with them (after they stomped all over your very generous offer) & going forward he’ll only see his family away from your home. You cannot let his family and their toxic ways have any influence over your DC.
He’s a fool to be sucked back in. But you can’t stop that, you cannot only control what contribution you make (this should be zero from now on, totally withdraw the 6 month offer)
Good luck. Toxic families are awful & continue their damage well into adulthood.

llizzie · 10/04/2025 22:40

Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 21:43

Well true to form they have been at it again. Tried to call hubby today and couldn't get hold of him which was odd. Come home to him arriving not long afterwards and I could sense the tension. So after asking how his day was and trying to figure out what on earth is wrong he has had further conversations today with his mother and sister. I don't know exactly what has been said but it's all my fault and I have over thought the situation. The things we said I apparently should have said sooner. I pointed out I would have had I actually been involved in any of it but I wasn't consulted in the first place. Sounds like they have been spending the day spewing Thier poison and he has lapped it up. I just calmly pointed out that setting rules for someone who wants to come and live with us is quite normal and I don't feel anything said was unfair. He is basically now siding with them. We have not spoken since. I literally can't look at him my anger is bubbling. Apparently he is staying away for a few days

You can get out of it, you know, if you have a mortgage. You have to get permission of the mortgage lender if you want a lodger. Also, you have to get the permission of your house insurers as well.

If you do not tell them, the mortgage lender can foreclose and the house insurers will not pay out if she has an accident while on your property. You would have to inform them. It is the law. They may let you, but it would be in your interests if you say they declined, or that your insurance will go up considerably if she is expecting to have a horse on the premises.

It is especially important if she plans to run any sort of horse business on your premises. You would have to seek the permission of your LA about that. You should also consult the Deeds of your house, and see if there are any conditions in them.

I know someone disagrees with me that you can be faced with a court order application for a lodger if they refuse to leave when their time is up, but that is what was in the search I made.

Missj25 · 10/04/2025 22:40

Dinosweetpea · 06/04/2025 22:29

Don't let the sister move in. This has absolute disaster written all over it.
Noone will be enjoying your dream home if you get divorced....
Time to put your foot down.

Edited

I agree completely..
OP , you’ve been so calm , clearly you’re a very nice person 🙂..
I would have flipped out by now , that’s being honest ..
Don’t leave his sister move in , whatever you do !
It will be said short term , bla bla 🙄, but it will be a lot longer, that’s how these things always pan out ..
This is you , your husband & children’s home & ye need to be left be without all his family all the time ..
It’s a tricky one though, when your husband not on the same page ..
Hope things work out without getting too stressful..
Definitely don’t leave her move in though
Best of luck 🤞

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 10/04/2025 22:38

If he can’t jet go, HE can leave! Don’t leave your house.

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 22:30

Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 22:25

Do you know what I think I am done. I just cannot even be bothered to defend myself. They will continue to drip poison. I have always stood back and not gotten involved and just watched the carnage unfold. Pick the pieces up and help him move forward for them to then worm Thier way back in. They are truly horrible people. He has a decision to make really because after this I don't ever want to see or speak to them again. It's not fair on our kids and it's not healthy. I am going to let him leave and not contact him. I need some space to figure out what is best for me and my kids. If he can't let go I will have to leave. My son is just about to do his gcse's. My daughter needs alot of support and providing a happy stable environment is my priority not this shit show

Your husband needs to give his head a wobble, he is too easily swayed

Original poster
Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 22:25

Do you know what I think I am done. I just cannot even be bothered to defend myself. They will continue to drip poison. I have always stood back and not gotten involved and just watched the carnage unfold. Pick the pieces up and help him move forward for them to then worm Thier way back in. They are truly horrible people. He has a decision to make really because after this I don't ever want to see or speak to them again. It's not fair on our kids and it's not healthy. I am going to let him leave and not contact him. I need some space to figure out what is best for me and my kids. If he can't let go I will have to leave. My son is just about to do his gcse's. My daughter needs alot of support and providing a happy stable environment is my priority not this shit show

OP posts:
comealongdobbeh · 10/04/2025 22:23

His relationship with them is toxic and he needs therapy to figure it out. Seriously.

AngelicKaty · 10/04/2025 22:20

@Sp3849 What a terribly disappointing development OP - no wonder you're angry. So you go from a position where your DH sees everything clearly and presents a united front with you to his family, laying out the ground rules for his DSis moving to your property, to then succumbing to their manipulation AGAIN! He needs to remember - it's your home too and without your agreement for his DSis to move in, she can't.
Maybe you need to ask him if he's happy for the toxic family who hasn't given a damn about him his entire life, to destroy the happy family he's made with you? He seems to have forgotten (again) how much he has to lose - I hope you're able to remind him. Good luck OP. 🤗

Silvers11 · 10/04/2025 22:19

@Sp3849 I am so, so sorry to read this. Does he understand that if the Sister moves in, you will move out and instigate divorce proceedings - and the dream house will need to be sold anyway?

You will have no choice if this goes ahead and it is a hill I too, would die on.

rainingsnoring · 10/04/2025 22:11

Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 21:43

Well true to form they have been at it again. Tried to call hubby today and couldn't get hold of him which was odd. Come home to him arriving not long afterwards and I could sense the tension. So after asking how his day was and trying to figure out what on earth is wrong he has had further conversations today with his mother and sister. I don't know exactly what has been said but it's all my fault and I have over thought the situation. The things we said I apparently should have said sooner. I pointed out I would have had I actually been involved in any of it but I wasn't consulted in the first place. Sounds like they have been spending the day spewing Thier poison and he has lapped it up. I just calmly pointed out that setting rules for someone who wants to come and live with us is quite normal and I don't feel anything said was unfair. He is basically now siding with them. We have not spoken since. I literally can't look at him my anger is bubbling. Apparently he is staying away for a few days

Your poor thing. They have been dripping their poison in his ear. I can see that he has been damaged by them but he needs to learn to the advice of his wife and put his family first. I'm not surprised that you are absolutely mad @Sp3849. You need to continue to give him the same ultimatum. If he puts his vile family first, your marriage will end in divorce and the 'dream house' will be no more anyway.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 10/04/2025 22:04

Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 21:43

Well true to form they have been at it again. Tried to call hubby today and couldn't get hold of him which was odd. Come home to him arriving not long afterwards and I could sense the tension. So after asking how his day was and trying to figure out what on earth is wrong he has had further conversations today with his mother and sister. I don't know exactly what has been said but it's all my fault and I have over thought the situation. The things we said I apparently should have said sooner. I pointed out I would have had I actually been involved in any of it but I wasn't consulted in the first place. Sounds like they have been spending the day spewing Thier poison and he has lapped it up. I just calmly pointed out that setting rules for someone who wants to come and live with us is quite normal and I don't feel anything said was unfair. He is basically now siding with them. We have not spoken since. I literally can't look at him my anger is bubbling. Apparently he is staying away for a few days

He is utterly pathetic, and they are utter poison. Jesus fucking Christ. How can you stand it, OP? You poor thing.

GenerousGardener · 10/04/2025 22:03

All the while he’s ’staying away’ he’s open to even more manipulation by his toxic family.

StartupRepair · 10/04/2025 22:03

They are not going to go down without a fight. This must show you that no boundary or agreement about the living situation will hold
If the sister moves in you will be hosting and supporting the entire family for life.

RunningJo · 10/04/2025 21:58

So sorry to read this. What a nightmare these people are, and clearly very good at manipulating your DH.
Stay strong, repeat the ground rules to him, and don’t back down.

TwinklySquid · 10/04/2025 21:58

Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 21:43

Well true to form they have been at it again. Tried to call hubby today and couldn't get hold of him which was odd. Come home to him arriving not long afterwards and I could sense the tension. So after asking how his day was and trying to figure out what on earth is wrong he has had further conversations today with his mother and sister. I don't know exactly what has been said but it's all my fault and I have over thought the situation. The things we said I apparently should have said sooner. I pointed out I would have had I actually been involved in any of it but I wasn't consulted in the first place. Sounds like they have been spending the day spewing Thier poison and he has lapped it up. I just calmly pointed out that setting rules for someone who wants to come and live with us is quite normal and I don't feel anything said was unfair. He is basically now siding with them. We have not spoken since. I literally can't look at him my anger is bubbling. Apparently he is staying away for a few days

I know it’s super sad and frustrating that you’ve moved in to a home you’ve wanted for ages but I fear this isn’t going to have a happy ending.

If he lets the sister move in, with her conditions, you are going to be miserable.

I don’t like giving ultimatums to people but in this case, if you don’t, you’ll end up in a position you will regret. He either is 100% a team with you- with no outside interference from outside parties- or this is it. You end the marriage.

unbelieveable22 · 10/04/2025 21:58

So sorry @Sp3849 That is his perogative and choice to stay away for a few days but he needs to think very carefully. How dare he put the wants of those who have abused him all his life ahead of you and his children. He has no respect for you or your concerns.

I think you mentioned earlier having the proposed caravan linked up to electricity and water. Have you checked out the legality of such a move? Likewise as someone else mentioned does your mortgage provider agree (if you have one.)

shewasasaint · 10/04/2025 21:52

I’m so sorry for OP. What an awful situation.

Notsosure1 · 10/04/2025 21:47

They have really damaged your husband, sorry OP

Notsosure1 · 10/04/2025 21:46

Bloody hell

Original poster
Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 21:43

Well true to form they have been at it again. Tried to call hubby today and couldn't get hold of him which was odd. Come home to him arriving not long afterwards and I could sense the tension. So after asking how his day was and trying to figure out what on earth is wrong he has had further conversations today with his mother and sister. I don't know exactly what has been said but it's all my fault and I have over thought the situation. The things we said I apparently should have said sooner. I pointed out I would have had I actually been involved in any of it but I wasn't consulted in the first place. Sounds like they have been spending the day spewing Thier poison and he has lapped it up. I just calmly pointed out that setting rules for someone who wants to come and live with us is quite normal and I don't feel anything said was unfair. He is basically now siding with them. We have not spoken since. I literally can't look at him my anger is bubbling. Apparently he is staying away for a few days

OP posts:
RadFs · 10/04/2025 20:11

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

@Sp3849 Result!!!

diddl · 10/04/2025 16:03

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

I'm just putting Op's latest update here.

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