To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

CF the lot of them.

You've worked bloody hard to get tgat house, now your in-laws are taking the piss

I would read the riot act to all of them, including your husband.

Do you know what I think I am done.

I appreciate that he's doing this because he's desperate for their love and approval and that's overriding any consideration for you. But he needs to wake up. Because if he doesn't no-one would blame you for instigating a split.

And if you did, a sixth sense tells me that he would very soon realise what he's lost. You love(d) him, while he has to beg for crumbs from his parents. You helped him deal with the family shit, he'll have to do it on his own. But it would be too late. If he's decided that what they want they're going to get, with no thought for you and actually blaming you for it, then he's going to have to live with the consequences of that decision.

And just to add.
your dh has well and truely lost the plot.
Tough love op.
Hold your nerve
(get him to therapy asap - he’s so very far into the FOG)

This. I am so sorry @Sp3849 I felt awful for you both to start, but now I am appalled by him.
Is he actually going down this manipulative path of 'ha! Well I'm moving out and won't come back till you do what we want!! Sis (and likely parents!) will have to be welcomed to join us, or I'm not coming back! What an absolute arse. Agree with pp to use this time to check your insurance, mortgage stuff and speak with a solicitor. That level of emotionally fuckery would be it for me as a wife. But to do that to your children? End game.

That’s appalling.
Thank goodness for kind people.

You have got to be kidding.
my God -
how dare they?
of Course they blame you - manipulate people always do.
staying away for a few days ?
your dh is staying away from you?
his lovely wife and children?
and wonderful new house/ home?
where is he staying?
not with his user family?
Have I got this right?
he needs serious help if a validation from this poisonous family is more important than all he now has.
well op - LET HIM.
he needs to miss you and his good life to appreciate what he has …. He needs to see their vileness for himself - and then he can heal - and tell them to do one - and laugh in their face.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though your husband keeps getting sucked into the fog. Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
Fear of their behaviour
Obligation to be there for his biological family
Guilt about setting boundaries.

My husband was the exact same two years ago. And I hit a point one day where I just couldn't do it anymore. I recognised he was stuck in the fog, even though he could acknowledge their toxic behaviour to me. But I also recognised that as an adult with full capacity, his stance of constantly entertaining and enabling the drama was a choice. His choice to prioritise their manipulation was a choice.

Like you, I have a daughter with a learning disability and I wasn't about to let her grow up being dragged into the fog as well.

I gave my husband an ultimatum. Therapy or Divorce. DH chose therapy and I put our marriage on "probation" and said one more issue and I'm done. He did therapy weekly for almost a year and it changed our lives and marriage for the better. He's actually on month 5 of having no contact with his sister because she crossed some major lines. He's refusing to have contact until she acknowledges how foul she was. Two years ago DH would have brushed it under the carpet and blamed me for annoying SIL.

You have to prioritise yourself and your children because your DH clearly isn't able to right now.

It will help him resist his family I think if you refuse to leave op. If you leave the house they are winning and will be reinvigorated to chase him to go back to the sil moving in plan.

@BakelikeBertha "If you are 'Tenants in Common', then he can't unilaterally decide to move his sister in without your consent, however, it might be more difficult if you are 'Joint Tenants', so I'd check that out with your solicitor over the next few days too." It's actually the other way around for co-owners i.e. a tenant in common can unilaterally take in a lodger, but a joint tenant can't.

The RSPCA are worse than useless when it comes to horse welfare cases I’m afraid. Just a mile from my house there was an awful welfare case for years, short story there was a herd of abandoned horses in a Greater London field which had a stream for water supply and riddled with ragwort in the summer. Only for the kindness of a local group who put water buckets and a bit of hay more would have died.
They were left to inter breed and stallions fighting, escaping meagre fencing onto a busy road resulting in some fatalities.
Finally after years of pressure World Horse Welfare rescued 14, 1 didn’t make it after being treated at RVC

I am SO sorry that your husband has been so easily swayed into siding with his family against you OP, you must be devastated, especially after we all thought you both putting your foot down had done the trick.

In your shoes, I would take advantage of the days he's away to contact a solicitor and find out where you stand legally, so that if you do decide to end your marriage you go about it the right way, and don't make any mistakes which could prove costly in any way. As everyone else has stated, you SHOULD NOT move out of the house, and unfortunately he is legally allowed to move back in, but I would check, or you probably already know, having bought your house only relatively recently, whether you are 'Tenants in Common', or 'Joint Tenants'. If you are 'Tenants in Common', then he can't unilaterally decide to move his sister in without your consent, however, it might be more difficult if you are 'Joint Tenants', so I'd check that out with your solicitor over the next few days too.

I too have lived under the dominance of in-laws, and know how manipulative they can be OP, so I'm wishing you all the very best in sorting this out, and sending you strength, as it sounds like what you have to do over the next little while is going to take courage, and all the time with your children in the background to worry about.

I think it’s probably for the best to have some space to think everything through.

You're getting a lot of advice to issue ultimatums and threats of divorce. Which, whilst I can see it’s tempting due to your husband back tracking and seemingly irrationally supporting his sister and mum over you in the moment, I’m not sure it’s in your interests long term.

You have children, a history and otherwise must be happy enough given your recent move together and no sign of wanting a separation before this issue.

Take a deep breath. Your husband is being emotionally torn in two and he’s struggling to make a view of his own. He’s aired your views and now he’s airing their views - his views seem to be harder for him to grasp and uphold, although I’m sure in time he’ll see what you can see. Mixing family with money or living arrangements rarely ends well.

I would be hesitant to talk about divorce etc because ultimately, you can’t take those kind of conversations back. Once something’s said, it can’t be unsaid, and if you love each other and value your relationship, then I don’t think it’s going to help matters. Of course that doesn’t mean you have to bend on your decision to not have SIL stay at your house, it just means you may need time to decompress and allow your rational self to talk over the situation with your husband. That it’s your home and you just don’t feel comfortable with how it’s all panning out, and that you need space away from them to realign. No threats to the marriage, no words of harm or hate to his family. Just calm conclusions that it can’t happen so what next.

Best of luck. Try not to let this blow up around you. It’s a fight, we all have them, but you can move past it so long as he comes to his senses, which I’m confident he will.

And so what part of "You don’t need a court order to evict your lodger" don't you understand? (BTW, I was a volunteer CA Adviser for 10 years.)

1. www.citizensadvice.org.uk › housing › lodging-andIf you want your lodger to move out - Citizens Advice
3. You don’t need a court order to evict your lodger, but you can get one if they’re refusing to move out. This would let you use an enforcement officer to make your lodger leave. You’ll have to pay the court costs upfront, so you should decide if getting a court order is right for you.

First, look into the cost of boarding an extra horse on the premises. How much is the horse and rider insurance you already have? It will more than double with another horse. Also does your house insurers know that you have a horse on the property, now and store grain and feed like pony nuts?

The fact that you have stabling and field, does not mean they do not need to be informed. The same with the mortgage lender. It is the lender's property as well as yours, and you have to keep them informed of changes, in case of damages to the property, which so long as you have a mortgage, they share ownership with you. If you do not have a mortgage, get one, or tell SIL they and the insurers won't give permission.

I wonder why you have not considered this?

You could nullify your house insurers if you do not inform them that there is another person on the property and another horse. You will have no liability insurance if they don't know and your SIL has introduced another horse on the premises. Can you afford not to be insured, if your children have accidents?

Have you considered that?

Have you checked with the RSPCA as to whether the property is suitable for her horse as an addition to your own? They are very hot on things like that.

Am so sorry to read your update. I understand your concerns about your children but your DP reneging on the agreement between the two of you seems to be the last straw,
Can only suggest that you do not contact him until he returns home. In the meantime write a comprehensive, factual, and unemotional list of all the problems and pitfalls re his sister moving in, the lack of privacy, the finances, the legalities and insurance required for horses, etc. Hand him the list and go through it together. And then hit him with how would he feel if he were to lose his wife, children and home because that is where this is heading. The only problem with this is that he is so easily swayed that I wouldn't be able to trust him again.
Alternatively, just tell him when he gets back that you have consulted a solicitor regarding potential divorce proceedings and what happens next depends on his decision.

@llizzie "I know someone disagrees with me that you can be faced with a court order application for a lodger if they refuse to leave when their time is up, but that is what was in the search I made." This is incorrect. Under UK housing law, a lodger is an "Excluded Occupier" who has no rights other than to receive "reasonable notice" to leave (which could be as little as a week, but could be as long as a month if they pay their rent monthly). OP would not be required to follow a formal eviction notice and would not have to go to court to evict a lodger.

Sadly because he is desperate to feel loved by them and will take any crap as long as he can feel needed/not experience their anger/cutting him off. I don’t think @Sp3849 can do anything to make him see sense - he has to go through this to the end, however it works out. He may see sense or he may not. I think Op has to step back as she is doing. OP I would be done with his family too -
and I agree with others that if you can, you should stay/buy him out somehow or come to agreement that you/kids stay put until they’re older and then you sell up and he gets his share, or if you can make it work, buy him out later. Sorry it has come to this @Sp3849 .

Get legal advice.
Go nowhere.
He is toxic OP.
How easily he abandoned you.
Keep the doors looked and a key in them.
Don't you leave.
HE has left.
Get advice from Women's aid.
They are trying to force you out.
The house will be sold.
No one is moving in while its sold.
Dont allow them to bully you.
He is a weasel and a snake.
At least you know.
Let him move out while the house is dold.
I am so sorry.

They are all being completely unreasonable,do not for one moment think otherwise. Of course you don’t allow someone to move into your house without rules and boundaries especially this family whose behaviour has already been appalling.
Hang in there OP you are absolutely and unquestionably in the right.

When we had stabling and a field my daughter had her pony. Then she allowed her friend to put her pony in the field with ours. When he was tied to the big iron gate a hornet stung him, and he took off round the field dragging the big heavy gate with him.

Well they had horse and rider insurance like us, so the lacerated legs could be treated by the vet, but we were not set up for other horses through the insurance, so had to get the industrial blacksmith to mend the iron gate and put it back on it's hinges ourselves.

If the op's SIL moves in without the mortgage lender or house insurer's permission, any amount of things could go wrong. We never thought in a million years that a pony could pull a heavy gate off it's hinges and drag it round the field.

I’m astounded that he can’t see the obvious manipulation here but it’s clear they have got to him. The fact they have is very concerning. If it were me I would absolutely not relent and live that nightmare. They are highly toxic people.

I totally understand how difficult this situation is for you however they (including your H) are now trying to bully you into something that quite frankly would be intolerable. When he is faced with the prospect of losing the house anyway he may see sense.

If you can find the strength to start the process of divorcing him making sure he understands you are serious. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s begging forgiveness when they inevitably drop him like a hot potato as he is of no value to them without the house.

You are in the power seat here it’s half your house. He is sadly nothing more than collateral damage in their attempt to have what’s yours. I really hope you stay strong and wish you lots of strength and happiness for the future.

@Sp3849 If the worst comes to the worst DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. He will then have the family move in and it could prevent the sale of your home for a long time. At least see a lawyer before you do anything.

I see where you’re coming from, op, but don’t leave the house. Ask him to leave.

Don't go anywhere op.
Don't move out.
Don't allow any of them to move in.

If he wants to choose his toxic family, over his currently lovely family and home HE can move out, whilst divorce proceedings and settlements are all decided.

I'm sorry. You must feel gutted that they've poisoned him against you today. 😢