To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

He's already chosen them, OP – by moving out for a few days presumably to stay with them. He should be at home with you, putting on a united front. Instead, he's listening to them say that you are the root of all their troubles and, what's worse, he is believing it. He's showing you he believes it.

I think your marriage might be over after this, because they are clearly going to override your wishes and have the sister move in regardless of how you feel. I'd spend the few days that he's away sulking getting your ducks in a row - sort out all the paperwork for the house and starting seeing if there's a way that he leaves for good and you and your DC stay in the house.

I'm going to repeat..This 👆

A loving family does not destructively insert itself into someone's marriage for their own benefit. They seem the type of people that would be highly satisfied if the OPs DH sided with them at the expense of the OP. This seems to be what they have persuaded the DH to do and therefore there are consequences.

Obviously they will walk away from the DH if he loses the house. Which is the course they may have set him on by their forceful and outrageous interference.

I also just want to say I really feel for you OP. I'm finding your thread stressful and I'm just a random on MN! You've said and done the right thing though particularly for the long term, and most of us on this thread agree. Not often you read a thread where there's pretty much no argument for the other side.

@Sp3849 i would do absolutely nothing. I'd carry on my day and look after my children.
If your husband wants to buy you out it's a no (I did ask up thread if his parents were wealthy because those sort of people use money to gain advantage). You found the perfect house for them and they want it.

I agree your husband needs therapy. I don't talk to my sister as she was physically violent to me as a child and later gave my home address to my stalker (I have a restraining order). It saddens me especially as we lost our younger brother but she's horrible. Therapy showed me three people bullied me in my childhood. I sort my mother's approval up to the day she died.

We bought a very large country house and my parents, younger brother and my husbands best friend moved in at various times. They all wanted what we had. It cost a fortune. It was a way to get me to care for my parents into old age. That might be you PILS MO.

Your husband has a family, his DC and you. I think you need the infamous big girl pants. Repeat 'they're not moving in. We have two children, one SEN and enough to do. We're not a kubutz!'
Sometimes I feel a longing that comes from toxic families, it's seeking approval and it's heartbreaking but as adults we have to move on.
Everyone will tell you live close to the sea and you'll be a holiday park!
You've said your piece, concentrate on the DC as the will have heard snipits of this row (mine use to polish the bannisters). Look into therapy locally, I had six months £50 a session. Worth every penny.
Check your insurance re horses (I use the nfu). Also look for the chicken clause if you want to keep them. I grew up on farms some exclude fowl.
Good luck today. X

I'm so sorry OP! What awful people!

I guess you do need to consider if you want to continue living like this op?

I think to update from my pp it would still be end game for me. I could never trust him again to put us as his family first, and would be living on my nerves wondering when the next stealth move in would happen. How could they even come over for meal/short visit without you thinking, 'this is it, this is the time they come and refuse to leave'?

The mother is now flexing her power over, she is using everything in her arsenal to ensure she gets what she wants. If she moves the sister in you will never be rid of any of them. This was her plan. I suspect she was very angry and resentful that you moved away whatever she said at the time.

Im really sorry. I mean I was reading your posts thinking OH things are looking up NOW THIS!!!!! what the heck. He needs to pull his head out of his butt.

I agree, because this is very much a campaign now. Not just a minor disagreement. Op will need to cover her back and be aware of all eventualities.

Maybe he will come to his senses op, and there will be room for some heartfelt discussion and honesty, but right now he is lost to them.

Whatever happens you can not have that family near you or your dc again. They are dangerously toxic.

I do wonder if the DH will issue an ultimatum - sister moves in or we’re done (whilst forgetting this would mean him and the sister would ultimately lose the house)

As someone said upthread , this is turning into one big game of chicken.

I'm sadden but not surprized by your update Op. He might think again if you talk divorce but it would suit his family for you to split, they'll just use him as they see fit and he won't have you to try and open his eyes. Legal advice asap, you need to know where you stand because they'll try to take everything

In the OP’s shoes, I would be tempted to contact the in-laws myself, and calmly state that you don’t want anyone else living with you. As a 50% stakeholder in their house, the OP has every right to do this, so far it seems that her DH and his family are forgetting she exists, and has rights.

This will undoubtedly cause the most enormous row, but it beats the alternatives

This is absolutely a game of chicken.
His mother thinking she will stand the OP down and move her daughter in.

Clearly the OP's marriage is over.
She now needs to be clever.
Call Women's aid for advice AND 101 to check that his family CANNOT move into her home while the house is being sold.

This is what they may try to do.
But domestic abuse charities should be her first point of call.
Then legal advice.
What an awful weasel he is.
It takes a real snake to turn on his wife like this.

The OP wrote his parents are vile?
The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

While he is gone it is crucial OP gets organised, gets advice and change the locks as she "lost" her key!

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he cames back and trys to TELL her that his sister is moving in.

Thats why she needs domestic abuse charity advice now like Women's aid.

He wants to move out, let him.

He wants to side with his toxic family, let him.

Focus on what you can control. Your life, your children, your priorities.

If he can’t prioritise his children then he fucks off. Stay put.

I would recommend getting some legal advice simply so you are prepared and feel more confident about what the future might hold if he doesn’t wise up.

The mother has calculated that op will cave in before that happens…

And surely he must realise that if he ruins things with his wife, he’ll lose the house in the process?

Your husband is under their control. Very similar to those in a cult. The same brain washing takes place.

His family have abused him, controlled him and continue to manipulate him so he becomes confused, it is very disorienting. He needs urgent professional help.

Your dh doesn’t know this is happening, because he doesn’t recognise it as abuse and manipulation. He will live in fear that they will abandon him, he is very, very damaged op. Perhaps you didn’t understand the extent of it, or the impact it would eventually have when you met him.

Stand firm on this op, or your life as you know it will be over. Everything you have said is entirely reasonable and fair, but he won’t be able to see it that way for now.

You did the right thing moving so far away, it was the best chance you had as a family but it’s now under threat, it is being directly challenged, and he seems unwilling and unable to defend you or your life together. Do you have real life support? Close friends? I think you need some help and support in real life op, what you are uncovering now is huge.

The plaster has been ripped off, and now you can see the gaping wound it must feel very frightening to be in this position.

First things first. Prioritising the children with their revision. Keep everything calm and quiet. Nothing will happen immediately anyway,

Secondly, take a long hard look at your finances, get everything in order op. Take legal advice so you are aware of your position. Ensure you have copies of all paperwork and passports etc are safe.

Maje a plan B based on the worst case scenario. What does that look like?

You need to tell him clearly and directly. This IS a dealbreaker. If he chooses his mother over you, then that is his choice to make, hut you will no longer tolerate being bulled by her or be forced into any living arrangements that will be severely detrimental to your children. He needs to know he could lose everything.

I am so sorry it has come to this.
I would add that he isn’t welcome back until he has booked a professional therapist. It’s absolutely toxic.

This.

You don’t force yourself into someone else’s home/marriage just because you fancy living there and want somewhere for your horse, FFS!

And all the advice about permission from mortgage companies etc is neither here nor there because the OP simply doesn’t want it to happen, whether the bank allows it or not.

Leave him to stew OP, and do not leave the house. They sound like awful people, they are quite content to destroy their son’s marriage to get their choice of housing.

I’m sorry OP. Their emotionally abusive parenting has reared its head once again and your husband is responding with a trauma response. His sister is part of this toxic family system. They got him on the phone alone, I’m sure they went in very hard. Amazing despite everything they are still pushing! Classic tactic to persecute you, make him feel he’s with them (something I’ve no doubt they know he craved since a child). He’s not seeing the wood for the trees right now. Their manipulation will be very convincing.

You sound amazing and together though and you’ve build what sounds like a beautiful life together (without them!) I agree with some other posters about you not leaving the home. I wonder if writing him a letter is a good idea. Maybe he needs to be reminded of the journey you have been on together, the hurts you’ve weathered over the years from them, the dream you’ve built. How much you want to protect that.

Hopefully he will see sense and get some therapy to unpack their behaviour. A good therapist will see exactly what’s going on very quickly.

it must be very hurtful for you to hear where he’s at right now. Keep your boundaries and your knowing that it isn’t you. Stand firm and yes, I agree, there’s zero need for you to have a relationship with these people, or have them near your kids going forward.

Really hope you both come together and find your way through this.

I’ve just read your thread. When dh stood up to his family I thought brilliant, and have now seen the update. I am so sorry, but I think you are right. This is never going to go away if his family can just blame you and get away with it. Good luck x

Well, perhaps when he comes back he should find the doors bolted. Have the discussion about how things will need to be if you're going to let him back in somewhere else.

Point out that if you divorce, the house (with all the equine facilities) will have to be sold anyway, so there'll be nowhere for his sister. He can live somewhere else (and support / house her if he chooses), or he can live with you - he can't do both. Not even the caravan on the land (you'll still be paying for her utilities and her horse, and she'll be tapping on your door whenever it's cold or whatever).

Tell him from now on, his relationship with his parents and sister is his business, but if he sees them, it'll be somewhere off your property and not with you - you don't want to see them or hear from them again.

The parents have created a 30yo who can't or won't take responsibility for herself, and now they're getting on a bit they've realized it's not a bed of roses and they're trying to push her off on DH and you. Then what happens as you and he both get older? What if he's less lucky with his health or whatever? Then YOU become "carer" (to this woman who doesn't actually need one). It'll never end. Stand firm.

OP do NOT leave your home!

That's their plan. They couldn't take you home with you in it. So they've cooked up a plan to get rid of you and still get what they want in the end.

@Sp3849 ok while he is away for a few days, most likely staying with them, take this opportunity to get all your ducks sorted, bank accounts, shares, stocks. birth marriage certs. passports. get them all into your safe place perhaps in a safe deposit box. you are going to have your work cut out now that his parents have got in his ear! put all his stuff into black bin bags and make a sofa up for him to sleep on downstairs in the tiniest room available. this is the only way that he will understand how serious you are being!! you and your dh are married but he is making no effort to keep you happy. he is only making the effort to keep his family happy. he cannot see that they are just using him at all. the family who have spent many years dismissing him!!

Are you seriously supporting such blatant cee- effery?
So what if these are family members? It doesn't sound like they've been very good to the OP, her husband & kids in the past - and now they're taking a MASSIVE liberty!
Just because you're closely related to someone doesn't automatically make them the most important person in your life. In fact if as a healthy adult your only social focus is mummy, daddy and siblings then there's something peculiar about you.

Oh OP I'm so sorry for you. If he's prioritising his family of origin over the family he's created, you're fucked. He shouldn't be doing that but he has free will and realistically all you can do is save yourself. Only he can save himself, if he wants to. ☹️

You might want to join the stately homes thread too.

Lizzie give it a rest FFS, you're being ridiculous, even your own link copy/paste backs up everyone else's knowledge that you don't need a court order to evict a lodger. Not even if they refused to leave. Can means if you want to, if you want a show of force by bailiffs turning up to escort them out. Or you can just wait for them to go out, which they'll have to at some point, and prevent re-entry. You can call police if they try to force entry or act in an abusive manner.