To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

What a nightmare for you. Your poor DH still chasing their love and attention after all this time. Would he consider counselling? Sounds like he has a lot to unpack. You telling him his family treat him badly is creating a them V you situation. If he could work out for himself that they are treating him badly what would be better.

I'm sorry he's being like this OP.

This has very little to do with the DH's wishes. He is being manipulated by his toxic family.

Agree here to..

After the way his family have behaved over the years, then the OP and her DH offering to let the sister move a caravan onto the grounds, yet still the family show their true colours by pushing and pushing wanting more and more..

OP I'd say now has the decision to make as to whether she can actually trust her DH's word after his change of heart so quickly.

The idea of your SIL moving in is nothing to do with the SIL it's about breaking up your marriage because with you there he won't be fully under control of them. It's working isn't it.

It's incredibly hard for you and your children. If he cannot see the damage they are doing there's not much you can do for him.

I hope you get legal advice on what would happen in the worst case scenario that he turns up and moves SIL in while you are out for example. The other PP advice on getting finances sorted in case of a marriage break up is good too.

So sorry for you all OP I hope he comes to his senses soon.

As he seemed to get it in earlier post you say he told them how unreasonable this is and he layed down rules...since then they have obviously got at him and it sounds like he is now stuck inbetween his blood family and you, if you force things and he falls out with them completely then you'll forever be the "bad guy"
If you allow her and her horse and dog to move in you'll be stuck with her lazy arse in your house and parents visiting every weekend they want. It sounds like he knows its not a good idea but he has committed, what if you checkout the law on mortgages and insurance when it comes to all this? If you can prove it would affect those things then it's out of your hands it's just not possible to put her and horse up as it would affect them....tell hubby to tell them this. It sounds like dh is torn and knows that if he doesn't put her up then he will lose contact but he needs to see that they only want contact now that they can get something out of it, which is offloading 30 yr old still dependant daughter, that's not true family.

I accept this may happen.

We all deal with things in different ways. I’d want to support the sister and I’m capable of setting clear boundaries and following through if they’re disrespected. There would be no battle. There’d be a tenancy agreement, with clear clauses, and a possession notice if it’s breached. Or persistently breached.

Some people aren’t so good at setting or enforcing boundaries. So, their boundary is a ‘no’ from the off. That’s fine too.

Only OP and her DH know what’s best for them.

Toxic in laws are the worst and he is so desperate for their approval. Hopefully a few days with them and he’ll see what he’s losing and cut them out and come back. But if not it sadly does sound like it’s you or them. My DH was the same and chose me and were VLC with his and it still hurts him and he lashes out at times as he just wants their live and they can’t give it

He needs to choose if it’s worth losing his wife, children and home. All to please his manipulative parents, who’ve proved they don’t really care.

Yep - should be a simple decision .....

Would be dreadful if they divorced and their dream, hard-worked-for home, bought to give their daughter a future, was lost.

That’d mean the parents are still controlling him and damaging his life. If OP stands firm, it’s entirely down to him. He needs to choose if it’s worth losing his wife, children and home. All to please his manipulative parents, who’ve proved they don’t really care.

@EdithBond as nice as it sounds the reality will be very different. OPs husband is being manipulated by his parents and sister by the sound of it. If he was able to hold a clear boundary it would be different but he is unable to at present and if his sister moves in it will be a second person that OP will effectively need to battle with and it would be incredibly difficult to get her out especially if her husband disagrees. It is really sad that her life has been messed up by her parents but right now OP needs to look after her children and herself. I think her in-laws want her SIL there to offload the caring to OP and herself DH long term.

I think that ship had sailed now. The OP can't trust the ILs to act in good faith whatever they agree to.

It depends how the sister feels and what she wants in life.

If she was taken out of school at 9 to keep her away from “worldly influences”, it sounds like she’s had a pretty messed up life and OP says she’s not at all confident. I’d want to help her create a life for herself. But with very clear boundaries that if she starts acting entitled, disrespectful or manipulative, she has to go. And the parents stay away, other than odd occasions.

Gosh OP I really feel for you.
His family are riding rough shod over both of your feelings.

But as said hold your nerve, let your DH move out where he can be away from you and the DC and be left with just his mother/sister in his ear. You stay put and, hopefully it won't come it it, but only move if the worst happens and you decide to take the divorce route, wait until the house is sold.

Worse case is it'll be stated that it's half DH's house so he/ his family feel they have a right to stay, debatable none the less...again hopefully that won't happen.

He really shouldn't be forced to have his wife feeling uncomfortable in her own home, but that's exactly what is going on, he seems desperate to have his parents in his life, even unkind one's but needs to realise what he stands to lose.

In the back of my mind I can't help but think as close as they may be his parents are trying to off load their daughter onto you/your DH as they've equally had enough of her and see your new place the perfect spot for her to be where they can visit but then return to the peace and quiet of their own home.

Stay true, and don't get into a conversation with your DH if he wants to discuss his family moving in, you've said all you have to say and he knows your stance on the subject.

Your interests only lie with where you, your DH and your own DC go from here.

I would keep it fairly simple for him. Explain to him that, as his wife, you chose him. You made a conscious decision to do so. His family did not choose him, he was given to them and vice versa. The same goes for your own children. You are the only one in his life who actually chose to be with him, because you wanted to. It might just give him a little bit of clarity until he can figure it out for himself and see he is being manipulated.

@Puzzledandpissedoff IMHO it doesn’t matter what community they’re part of.

They’re selfish, overbearing and manipulative. And appear to want control over their children, whether as children as adults.

It may be because their parents and grandparents were like that to them (learned behaviour). All the more reason to break the cycle.

@EdithBond as much as it sounds a caring idea to give the SIL a caravan and space to get some independence I don’t think it will work out that way. OP will effectively have two people in her home who will be pushing against her and who will be manipulated by their parents and creating a wedge between her and her husband.

It’s an awful position to be in OP, and through no fault of your own. I second the PP in making g your son’s GCSEs a priority. Push out the time for making any decision, play for time but get your ducks in a row if you need to separate.

They pulled her out of school at 9 as they were worried about the worldly influence

That's an incredibly unusual thing to do, @Sp3849 - are his parents by any chance members of the traveller community?

@Sp3849 You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

I thought it was all resolved when he called them. But it sounds like his mother is extremely manipulative and doesn’t respect boundaries.

It’s your home. You’ve both worked hard for it. Apparently, with no help, support or even interest from his parents. So, why would they expect your help in the form of hosting them and their daughter? He’s not their parent. He has no responsibility towards them.

Try not to be too harsh on your DP. It’s so hard when being emotionally blackmailed by parents, when all you want is a loving, close family. However, he needs to understand he now has his own loving, close family, which he’s made a success of. A solid relationship with you, who’s never let him down. Two wonderful kids. And a beautiful home, which gives your daughter a chance of a future she’ll enjoy.

Neither of you should risk losing all that as a result of the entitled, disrespectful and manipulative intervention of his awful parents. That would mean you’ve both allowed them to damage your kids’ lives too. You both need to stand firm to protect and prioritise your own family. A few counselling sessions may help.

I hope your DP sees sense about setting boundaries with his mother. Your boundaries weren’t at all unreasonable. You’d offered to let them stay every 6 weeks FFS! He’s a father himself now and needs to break the cycle and put his kids ahead of his mother.

I feel for the sister having a mother like that. I’d consider helping her with the caravan in a planned way to help her get away from her overbearing parents and get some independence, as well as to support your daughter. After all, sounds like your DP had to do that if he was in a hostel at 17. But I’d be keeping the parents very much at arms length. They have no respect for you.

I've no idea if that would play out or not - I'm just wondering what would happen if push came to shove?

Has any of OP's comments made you think SIL, supported by parents, wouldn't do that? You can just imagine it – OP trying to say no, DH saying she needs to come inside, vulnerable DD upset because of doorstep row. Plus clearly the family thinks the DH's wishes do override OP's.

I am so sorry to read your update and I do feel for you, dealing with manipulative people is a living nightmare. The fact that they are up for a fight and have regrouped to come back for another go shows how important this scheme is to your in laws. And how enraged they are at the prospect of not getting their way. Also, being challenged and shown up has obviously not gone down well.
They have targeted the weak link, which is your poor damaged DH. It sounds like he feels confused and trapped between you all and needs the space to see if he can access his own thoughts and feelings. To do that, he needs to block communication with his parents too. Not just shut himself off from you. He is permitting them to triangulate and position you as the bad one that is stopping everyone else being happy. It is a horrible thing to do to you. They have possibly damaged him so badly in his upbringing that he finds it difficult to identify exactly what his own feelings are and to trust in them. This is what having them in his life does to him and you can clearly see that.
Just because they want what is yours doesn’t mean they can have it. At some level he will hopefully appreciate that for him to unilaterally decide to have SIL live in your home would be wrong. He can blame you (if he must) for not wanting her there and making everything feel difficult and not speaking up sooner but that is as far as it goes. It is understandable given how it came about why you didn’t speak up sooner though. You aren’t at fault in any way.

I understand that you feel like giving up and want to say that you aren’t alone. Many of us have had to stand our ground like this and I know from personal experience how miserable and painful it can be. It can feel as though it just isn’t worth the battle, however, toxic manipulative people don’t always get to have their way, although of course they don’t actually change. My totally non confrontational DH had to learn to stand up to his toxic relative and they fought back in a vicious way. I too was positioned as the baddie. He has minimal contact now as do I. You might find the Out of the Fog website and forum interesting to look at. They have a section regarding ILs and personality disorders which I found incredibly helpful. Forewarned is fore armed when it comes to recognising patterns.
My heart goes out to you as it feels like this is a turning point in your marriage. Creating your dream home has drawn his family in like bees to a honeypot. I truly hope that your DH comes through for you in the end. Do access whatever support you can as you will undoubtedly need to offload to sensible people who aren’t directly involved. I concur with pps in saying that you definitely don’t need to leave your home. It is the rightful place for you and your children to be living and that is indisputable at the moment.

I think your marriage might be over after this, because they are clearly going to override your wishes and have the sister move in regardless of how you feel.

But what would happen if the SIL turns up with her suitcase, and the OP stands at the door and says "no, you're not coming in?" It would be quite difficult to override the OP, and 99% of people would not try to move into a house when one of the owners had told her not to?

One other thing...your son is about to do his GCSEs (which start in just over a week) and your DH decides to leave the house and his own little family in a huff because you won't be bullied into doing what his parents want. What does your DS know or think about this? Is he worried or stressed by his dad's behaviour with these relatives that he hasnt known much of for long as they only recently paid attention? Did your DH give this any consideration at this hugely important time for your DS?

Your DH's priorities and judgement in deciding to leave is completely skewed. Presumably he is damaged by his parents treatment of him as a child but he was raised by these people and will have some of their traits potentially. Self focus being one (I hesitate to use the word selfish). Thinking about his own position and needs in this rather than his DSs.

I can’t believe how they have got into his head .What vile people .