To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

@Sp3849

I would simply say "Fine, you stay away and 'think'. Because I will be thinking, too".

You need to speak to a solicitor, find out what divorce may mean to you wrt the property and assets. Forewarned is forearmed.

You may not want to hear this - but I feel sorry for both your husband (and the emotionally abused child and hounded out teen that's still in there) and his sister, isolated from her peers and her personal development stunted.

This is his parents' fault, not his or his sister's. They are both victims in need of help.

Are you going to fight?

I'd be telling him ...

'I love you, I love our relationship, our marriage, our family and our home.' (And despite how he may behave while under the influence, and how you might understandably feel about his behaviour, if you want to save it all, keep this messaging strong)

'But because of their behaviour, all this is currently under threat. This threat to our family, our world, is coming from them, not from me.'

'I understand how much you desperately want and crave their approval and their love. But sadly they've proved all your life they can't give that to you. And anything they do offer you comes with massive strings attached. It's conditional - you do this, you give this, and we might give you some of what you want and never got as a child'.

'I can see this because I'm not the one suffering from what they're doing to you. I'm not being directly targeted as you are. But I am suffering from what they are doing to us. To our family.'

Conditional on staying together - 'you must seek out and attend therapy to help you come to terms with your childhood and see it for what it was, and your parents for what they are.'

Especially when it's pretty much his whole family that OP fears may well end up moving in at some point along the way...

They're pretty pushy now, even after they've being told and agreed, by DH that plans had to have boundries in place and time limits.
God forbid the day they refuse to go home after a weekend stay.

I hope though he sees sense for your sake and your DC

I couldn’t stay with someone like your husband OP

Your marriage is over

it’s no longer a marriage

what an idiot he is to be manipulated like this

get a lawyer

put the house up for sale

fuck ‘em all

I don't think many people on here want the OP to split up with her DH. I think people just realise that being supported by your DH is fairly fundamental to a marriage.

Urgh, OP your update is RUBBISH. He's a fool.

I hope he comes round, as there is only one way this will work - and that is by your rules only. He must stand his ground for his family. I hope he comes round.

My parents are very like your in-laws, OP. I only broke free when I recognised the pattern, but until that happened, my husband suffered very much as you are (right down to the horse, although this one was pregnant!).

Do you think there is any hope that you can reach him, and persuade him to go to some sort of counselling together? If it helps, the pattern with my parents was as follows;

-They largely ignored me. This could go on for years.
-Suddenly, they were very interested in me. They bought me gifts or gave me cash. I became hopeful of a meaningful relationship with them.
-They asked for/demanded a huge and unreasonable favour. For example, giving up a field of our farm for my sister's horse, stabling it, growing the hay for it, and doing all of its care including around foaling. Paying for everything, of course. Although that was arguably better than working in their business for years for free, which I also did. I agree because I desperately want them to like me.
-I get resentful of the imposition, but soldier on because they have convinced me that I am the only thing standing between them and disaster.
-They spend huge amounts of money on something frivolous (a huge holiday for them and my sisters but not me, a new car for my sister, you get the picture). All the while they expect me to facilitate their choices by doing all their grunt work.
-I get fed up, challenge them about their behaviour, and they treat this as a personal and undeserved attack. There is huge drama and they stop all contact with me.
-The cycle starts again.

Your husband needs help to see his pattern. You might not be the person to do that, but I hope he can be persuaded to seek help, either with you or alone.

His family have really shown their true colours and it is sad your DH is now siding with them. The FOG is real with him. You need to get legal advice and think through your options to move forward for you and your DC.

Oh man, this has given me a headache! Stay strong, OP, your husband is a wet lettuce and if you don’t put your foot down, your life will no longer be your own and your kids will suffer.

It’s not about being willing. That’s not how emotional blackmail works.

I’m angry for you however it’s is clear his family are extremely dysfunctional and manipulative and he is a part of their dysfunction. The desperation to be wanted and loved by them will be a strong emotional pull but he also loves and wants you which puts him in a no win position. I can’t help but feel a little for him as he is trapped and no matter what he decides, someone he loves (no matter how skewed that might be) is going to be hurt. In that respect he will feel torn. You’ve made it clear this will end your marriage, make it crystal clear again but I wouldn’t expect someone who is locked in a dysfunctional family dynamic to be able to choose sides which is effectively what is happening here because he wants to do right by both of you equally and he can’t. They are even getting to him behind your back now turning the screws and emotionally abusing him with guilt and making you the bad guy. My mother was married to a man with a similar messed up family dynamic where he was trapped by the dysfunction of his parents and siblings. His older brother moved as far away as possible and stayed low contact as a result. I feel for you both as there will be no real winners here. He loses whatever he decides. He either loses you who he loves and wants approval of, or he loses his messed up family who he loves in his own messed up way and wants the approval of. Either way he loses.

No you are not being unreasonable. Static caravan fine, but no you can't have her moving in, her not being able to afford a caravan is her problem not yours.
Tell your husband and his family you don't want to have them visit more than one weekend in four (or whatever you are comfortable with). I understand you husband wanting to be closer to his family, and I can even understand his "forgetting" how they have treated him and your family in the past, but you have to find a balance.
Your husband obviously realises he has made a mistake, but is unable to admit it, I'm afraid you are gong to have to step up and be the bad guy- his sister can't move in and expect you to bankroll her, her horse and the family dog-what next?
You have to say the sister can't move in, and the family only visits a reasonable proportion of weekends , or it with so seriously affect your relationship he will have to choose between his sister and parents or you and your daughter.
You can't carry on like this, it has to stop.

I don’t think anyone wants the couple to split, but want the ils and sister to stay away.
and that if they railroad their way into op’s house the marriage is as good as over.
let’s hope dh comes round and gets therapy to get him out the FOG.

You don’t move out, see a solicitor and take it from there.
He’s gone for a few days, if he won’t see sense, he can stay wherever he is now until the divorce and the house is sold.
What an idiot he is, I could never trust him again.

Agree.
This has been my thought for a while.
This does make things a bit clearer because it’s a completely different culture.
They genuinely think differently and so what seems rational to them and seems miles apart to the average Mumsneter.
Getting angry won’t help.
it’s maybe a case of ‘No’ because I say so. ‘That doesn’t work for me’
You won’t ever to be to reason with them. They just run on a different wavelength.
This would make a lot of sense regarding the situation.

Can you afford to buy him out of the home?

It sounds like his family think if they can get rid of you then they can all move in.

I'd urge you to speak to your husband about family therapy but I would also be speaking to a solicitor. The home belongs to you and your family, not his poisonous family.

And I'd like to add my siblings and I had a very toxic upbringing and it left deep scars but not one of us would walk out on children over the relatives.

I understand what you are saying, it's heartbreaking but we also have to remember he is an adult, he knows what his family are like and yet he is still willing to crash his own children's lives at an important stage.

At some point you have to shed off the issues of our own and put the most important people first and those people are his children, however hard he finds it.

Yes he needs help and I truly hope he gets it, but flouncing on a DC doing GCSEs soon and another with needs is not looking out for anyone but himself.

I don't know how far into the future he has looked.
I suspect that the OP spelt in out for him in their first talk.
Either way he is not a "bad" man or a "weak" man or any other of the names that he has been called on here.
He is a victim of abusive parents, and possibly an abusive sister.

I appear to be one of the few on here that hopes that this is not the end of what seems to be a loving relationship with children that have been planned for (future wise) and supported.

But in the end whatever happens the DH is a victim of his parents abuse, and this should not be forgotten.

I am also going to point out that divorce may end up with both the OP and her DH loosing what they have worked for as they have only just bought the property and unless I have missed it didn't pay cash.

Try not to be too harsh on your DP. It’s so hard when being emotionally blackmailed by parents, when all you want is a loving, close family. However, he needs to understand he now has his own loving, close family, which he’s made a success of. A solid relationship with you, who’s never let him down. Two wonderful kids. And a beautiful home, which gives your daughter a chance of a future she’ll enjoy.

Exactly this, the hoards who have turned on the husband have little understanding of how people like this work and how because of his appalling childhood he is less able to resist them. I wonder if there is a third party, close family friend of both maybe, who could talk to him less dispassionately than the OP who is obviously under a lot of stress.

The PILs are also looking to the far future, once they're gone their son will be stuck with his sister forever if this happens, wherever he's living post-divorce. I wonder if that's occurred to him at all?

Just wanted to echo what pp's have said.
It must be very difficult for you to stand your ground in the face of such opposition.
I'm sorry this has happened it sounds like the wonderful new life that you had forged is being threatened. You must be at your wits end. I hope you have real life support from people who can see how unreasonable they are being. Stay strong!

I thought the same.

That, or some weird religious group. Plymouth Brethren? Amish?

Satanists? 😀

Please tell us, OP. It would contextualise your situation.