To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

One other thing...your son is about to do his GCSEs (which start in just over a week) and your DH decides to leave the house and his own little family in a huff because you won't be bullied into doing what his parents want. What does your DS know or think about this? Is he worried or stressed by his dad's behaviour with these relatives that he hasnt known much of for long as they only recently paid attention? Did your DH give this any consideration at this hugely important time for your DS?
Your DH's priorities and judgement in deciding to leave is completely skewed. Presumably he is damaged by his parents treatment of him as a child but he was raised by these people and will have some of their traits potentially. Self focus being one (I hesitate to use the word selfish). Thinking about his own position and needs in this rather than his DSs.

^ This. Such a shame OP, I really thought you and DH had sorted it but honestly, how could he walk out on DS at this time? Definitely don't leave the house, just carry as normal (as possible), the ball is in your DH's court but I think you have now got to spell it out, it is his wife and kids or his obnoxious family, I don't think there's any other option.

They basically tried to make out they were thinking of my daughter and how beneficial it would be for her having her auntie there to help her. With us both working. She could tutor her privately and take her to competitions and she could collect her from school and take her to the beach. My husband just said as lovely as that sounded if she wants to do those things in her spare time ofcourse she can we have always wanted for them to be involved in our children's lives but she doesn't need to live with us to do that.

She has never ever bothered with her. We lived close by and she never even had the time to visit

I just wanted to pull out this text from OP about the sister in law. If she has never bothered with your DD before it is very unlikely she will do so in future. SIL may even believe herself that she will do these things. But I doubt she will in reality.

So if you do let SIL stay in any form I think you need to be realistic that it is for SIL's benefit not your DD's.

I read your update though. I would say don't do anything rash but stay strong. These are your boundaries for your house and that is that. They are very reasonable boundaries and your previous offer to your SIL was actually very kind.

They are going to further indoctrinate him OP. I’m sorry but this is your life unless he chooses otherwise.
there is no going back only going toward and whether he is in your forward is determined by how he behaves now.

I would not contact him then when he contacts you, either he will have become hell bent on doing what his family want or side with you. If he sides with them then you’ll have no choice but to turn the conversation around to how you will be moving forward no longer as a couple. He can then create a home for himself where he can live with his sister

this reality may shock him into reality. Even then I wouldn’t be sure I’d want him though

Exactly this. I'm really hoping this is another temporary aberration on OP's DH's part and that OP can help him recognise his family's manipulation again, but heavens above, this must be so ruddy exhausting for OP. 😪

Indeed. It makes me wonder why I 'wasted' my time training for 9 months in order to volunteer for 10 years at CA (whilst receiving ongoing training during all that time, including in housing law) only to have someone argue "but AI says ...". Sigh. 🙄

I'm so sorry, OP. I was delighted to read your husband stood up to his CF outrageous family. What a horrible disapointment for you to find him backpedalling and blaming YOU for causing this toxicity that is entirely his family's fault.

I'll say it again, as a matter of FACT, not pedantry: a home owner does not need a court order to remove a lodger (excluded occupier) from their property. They simply have to give reasonable notice (as I've previously explained to you), pack up their lodger's belongings (if they won't do it themselves) and escort them out. If the lodger causes a breach of the peace (or threatens to) the home owner can call the police to attend. This is what I would do (and what I have advised former CA clients to do).
Applying for a court order that isn't needed is both costly and time-consuming (EAs typically have a six-week lead time from instruction and this would be on top of the time taken to get a court order from a judge).
On your separate note, of course a mortgaged home owner should notify their lender and their insurer if they are considering taking in a lodger before doing so, to ensure they are not breaching their contracts with them.

JFC! So all this chaos is going on around a teen just about to start GCSES. What was your husband thinking! And you stay put, let him stew on it. Monumental asshat. Big lesson OP, get boundaries in place and stick to them.

ah and AI is always right God if people use AI to quote the law we are all done for

you’re obviously a very “ law abiding person “😂

my son threw out his lodger last year 😂
the guy was a bully and a prick and was trying to take over the house even to the point of locking the main door leaving his key in so no one could get in and refusing to put the alarm on when he left .

Basically my son said it wasn’t working out and he needs to leave by the end of the week
if he didn’t the locks would be changed and his stuff would be outside in the garage and his dad would be up to “ help him leave “ 😂

He Left that day

a lodger has very little if any rights if living with the owner in the owners house

he’s a “ permitted “ occupier
permitted by the house owner
look up the word permitted

basically you need to not give a shit and not take any shit and have a big dad who also doesn’t give a shit

True but there comes a point where a partner has to accept that they can do no more and they and their children are entitled to defend themselves and their lives. The abused person has to want to change and its sounds like this bloke doesn't. Continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result........

There is a fine old yorkshire saying.. its time your husband shit or get off the pot! He is choosing to be a victim to the detriment of Op and his own children. If he intends to live like that then its his choice that he will lose everything.

OP I am sorry to hear this but not surprised. You can't change locks but you can keep everything locked and padlock gates while this is getting sorted. Have you got cameras? Is there someone who could come and stay with you?

The person doing this happens to be a man, would I say the same if they were a woman, yes I definitely would. Don't like what I say, fine I don't ask for your agreement and happy to be challenged without the suggestions of things that were never said nor implied.

My relatives could teach emotional blackmail at PhD level. You have to let go of the abused child in you at some point and decide to protect what you want to protect. OPs DH has come to a point where he has to make a decision, it can only come from him everyone else has been clear. There is no decision anyone here can make in which they "win". But it is not about winning is it, it is about making the best choice out of a bad lot and hopefully for those who need them the most.

There is nothing about the sex of the people that matters here, it's not about him or her being something, it's about more than the individual because everything is at stake right now.

If you think that is a man hating statement that says way more about you than it ever will about me.

@Sp3849 you have absolutely done the right thing. He needs to think hard about what he wants, he should be prioritising his family that isn’t treating him like shit, instead of his family that uses him and does treat him like shit.
i know people in similar situations who have the maturity and confidence to call a spade a spade and value the family they have- he’s not the partner for you if he is unable to do that, there’s no reason why you should be subject also to these assholes whims. If you don’t draw a line now, this will just continue for the rest of your lives and impact your children as well.

I think the difference here is that he is putting his old abusive family ahead of his own little family he has created and has the most responsibility for. He has his own kids who should be the most important thing in his life and yet he has walked away from them. His parents didn't put him first when he was a child. He's doing the same to his own kids.

Not everyone can, no. When you are being subjected to emotional abuse by your entire family and have been for years you are not able to exercise independent choice freely in the same way you would without that influence. You wouldn’t tell a woman who kept returning to an abuser that was emotionally blackmailing her that its her own fault for going back because she always has a choice even in a situation like this, but sadly the hatred of men on MN is such that it doesn’t work the other way round. Hard for some on here to accept but it isn’t just women who keep letting their abusers back into their lives through emotional turmoil.

So sorry for this situation. What a spineless and easily manipulated man. You should be his main priority - you and your children. His family comes second to everything and he needs to stand beside you and support you.

I've just literally read through this thread this afternoon and I'm so sorry you are going through this horrendously difficult situation.
You don't deserve any of this on your plate.
My initial reaction to your post is to protect your mental health and say no to your sister in law moving in and no to the rest of his family.
An awful awful situation.

I feel so sorry for what you are going through. I just hope that your DH comes to his senses. I had a disfunctional family and suffered rejection from my Dad for years. I lost my Mum early. It took years of therapy and self reflection to see the damage that it did to my self esteem and even today I have some issues because of all the trauma. I wish you the very best in dealing with everything being thrown at you. Keep your level head and take advice on the way forward. Can you get family or friends to support you?

@Sp3849 really saddened to read your update! You must be feeling shit. I think I'd be telling him he better tell his sister to find somewhere else as due to your boundaries and thoughts and feelings being dismissed, the house will need to be sold as you can't see a way to live together anymore. Unfortunately I don't think you'll look at your husband in the same way again 😥 I really feel for you 💐

Because the Ai I copied before was saying that if the lodger refused to move out it would need a court order to get them out.

This is the same, in effect, because I am sure you know, if you were not being so precise and pedantic, that if a lodger refuses to move out - that is when a pre-arranged date is set in stone - the only way you can get them out is with a court order.

What else is there to do? If the lodger refuses to move out and the householder does not move immediately, at a later date the court will just say that they let the situation exist, and in all probability that lodger will stay until the bitter end.

How does that play out with a householder with a mortgage, without the lender's permission or the house insurance sayso?

What would you do?

How dare your husband do this to you and your children?
What ever way you look at it from this action it proves he is far too damaged and unstable to be relied upon to be a decent husband.I am so so sorry Op your heart must be breaking from what he has just done. My advice is let go of what you thought you had and knew regarding Dh and open your eyes..then protect you and your children.

@2JFDIYOLO

I agree with a lot of what you say here.

OP I for one believe that there comes a time where we have to walk away and I think that time for your DH to do so is now...hopefully you'll do it together as a couple....and stay that way.

I equally believe your DH should also know that you don't walk away from people to teach them a lesson, you walk away because you've finally learn yours.

He now needs to live his dreams where the two of you have chosen to do so as a family unit of his wife and DC.

Took me many a year, but it was something I needed to do with family to live my own life.

It’s a well known, well trodden cycle of abuse. There is no way to win apart from stepping away. Ops dh will be up to his eyes in guilt and shame.

That is to assume you have no choice.

You always have a choice in situations like these even if the consequences are very difficult to even consider let alone live with. A PP called the OPs ILs his blood relatives ... well so are his children. They are not at an age where they will fully understand why he makes the choices he does but from the SIL moving in to a potential (and I hope it doesn't come to that) split of his family, DH is not the most affected by the situation.

The OP and her family are in a complete shitstorm and yes it is difficult but there is always a choice in matters like these however difficult OPs DH doesn't perhaps realise that he is not the only one who loses in this, his children and his DW does too. He can choose to have power over the situation and make the decisions for the people who need him most not those who treat him like shit.

You can absolutely choose not to be emotionally blackmailed even by people whose love you crave. He's never ever going to receive what he wants whatever he does, whatever he gives. He desperately needs to learn that to put his life back on track.