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Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
llizzie · 12/04/2025 00:07

Snapncrackle · 12/04/2025 00:05

you can post as many links as you like to CAB
the point is lodgers have almost zero rights In a home where the landlord lives

what’s the chances of a lodger never leaving the house 😂
it would take me 5 mins if thst to change the barrel on a door and that would be done the moment they walk out of the property to go to work or to go to the shops

and all of what you posted is “ can “ may “
it even says you don’t need a court order but may like to get one so why would I get one if I am quite prepared to change the lock and force them to leave

unlike a lot of people Im not a pushover

as soon as the lodger is out of the house the lock would be changed and they wouldn’t be getting back in

Show quote history

What should I check before getting a lodger?
Before getting a lodger, you should check if you have a legal right to do so. It will depend on whether you rent or own your home. You must make sure your home is safe and secure, and that your lodger won’t be injured because of the condition of your home.
Getting a lodger - Citizens Advice
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/lodging-and-subletting/lodging-subletting/landlords-of-lodgers/taking-in-a-lodger-what-you-need-to-think-about-first/

Getting a lodger

What to think about before taking in a lodger and becoming a resident landlord.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/lodging-and-subletting/lodging-subletting/landlords-of-lodgers/taking-in-a-lodger-what-you-need-to-think-about-first/

Snapncrackle · 12/04/2025 00:05

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:51

If your lodger refuses to move out
If you’ve given them the right notice, they usually have no legal right to be in the property any more.
If you share living space with your lodger

You can usually take action to make your lodger move out, as long as you don’t threaten or harass them. For example, you could change the locks while they’re out.
If you plan to take this type of action, you should get advice from a solicitor first - if you don’t follow the correct process to make your lodger leave, you might be doing something illegal.
You don’t need a court order to evict your lodger, but you can get one if they’re refusing to move out. This would let you use an enforcement officer to make your lodger leave.
You’ll have to pay the court costs upfront, so you should decide if getting a court order is right for you.
If you only share spaces like corridors or stairs with your lodger
Your lodger has to move out if:

  • you’ve given them the right notice
  • you have a court order to evict them
If they don’t move out by the date on the court order, you need to get a warrant from the court. The warrant lets you use an enforcement officer to make your lodger leave. You’ll have to pay the court costs upfront, but you can ask the court to make the lodger pay the costs back to you.

That is from the CAB

Show quote history

you can post as many links as you like to CAB
the point is lodgers have almost zero rights In a home where the landlord lives

what’s the chances of a lodger never leaving the house 😂
it would take me 5 mins if thst to change the barrel on a door and that would be done the moment they walk out of the property to go to work or to go to the shops

and all of what you posted is “ can “ may “
it even says you don’t need a court order but may like to get one so why would I get one if I am quite prepared to change the lock and force them to leave

unlike a lot of people Im not a pushover

as soon as the lodger is out of the house the lock would be changed and they wouldn’t be getting back in

llizzie · 12/04/2025 00:01

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

Is your SIL on any benefits? She may lose some of them if she moves into your home. Can you afford to keep her?

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:51

Snapncrackle · 11/04/2025 16:10

ah and AI is always right God if people use AI to quote the law we are all done for

you’re obviously a very “ law abiding person “😂

my son threw out his lodger last year 😂
the guy was a bully and a prick and was trying to take over the house even to the point of locking the main door leaving his key in so no one could get in and refusing to put the alarm on when he left .

Basically my son said it wasn’t working out and he needs to leave by the end of the week
if he didn’t the locks would be changed and his stuff would be outside in the garage and his dad would be up to “ help him leave “ 😂

He Left that day

a lodger has very little if any rights if living with the owner in the owners house

he’s a “ permitted “ occupier
permitted by the house owner
look up the word permitted

basically you need to not give a shit and not take any shit and have a big dad who also doesn’t give a shit

Edited
Show quote history

If your lodger refuses to move out
If you’ve given them the right notice, they usually have no legal right to be in the property any more.
If you share living space with your lodger

You can usually take action to make your lodger move out, as long as you don’t threaten or harass them. For example, you could change the locks while they’re out.
If you plan to take this type of action, you should get advice from a solicitor first - if you don’t follow the correct process to make your lodger leave, you might be doing something illegal.
You don’t need a court order to evict your lodger, but you can get one if they’re refusing to move out. This would let you use an enforcement officer to make your lodger leave.
You’ll have to pay the court costs upfront, so you should decide if getting a court order is right for you.
If you only share spaces like corridors or stairs with your lodger
Your lodger has to move out if:

  • you’ve given them the right notice
  • you have a court order to evict them
If they don’t move out by the date on the court order, you need to get a warrant from the court. The warrant lets you use an enforcement officer to make your lodger leave. You’ll have to pay the court costs upfront, but you can ask the court to make the lodger pay the costs back to you.

That is from the CAB

Finding free or affordable legal help

Find out how to get legal help if you're on a low income, including advice from a law centre or legal aid solicitor, and trial or tribunal representation by a pro bono barrister.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:44

Snapncrackle · 11/04/2025 23:34

If I had a lodger I would change the locks and put there stuff outside and they wouldn’t be getting back in

or I would get my husband to tell them to fuck off and leave - and they would leave I have no doubt

trust me they absolutely would not be living in MY HOUSE if I didn’t want them there any more

you might be a walkover and follow rules that don’t actually apply to anyone who is a lodger

but I’m not and I know that a lodger is only a permitted guest as such and you can get them out as soon as you want

Show quote history

You have a husband who would support you. The problem the OP has is that her DH refuses to support her view.

As if that isn't bad enough for the OP, posters on here are disagreeing with suggestions she could use to support her opposition to the SIL moving in, and whilst posters get a great deal of satisfaction out of insulting other posters, it does not help the OP.

I would say that anyone who argues against good and legal suggestions on this thread is a friend of the SIL and her family, and definitely not on the side of the OP, desperately seeking help.

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:40

AngelicKaty · 10/04/2025 23:33

@llizzie "I know someone disagrees with me that you can be faced with a court order application for a lodger if they refuse to leave when their time is up, but that is what was in the search I made." This is incorrect. Under UK housing law, a lodger is an "Excluded Occupier" who has no rights other than to receive "reasonable notice" to leave (which could be as little as a week, but could be as long as a month if they pay their rent monthly). OP would not be required to follow a formal eviction notice and would not have to go to court to evict a lodger.

Did your solicitor tell you that?

Every post I have made on this and other threads, you have pulled apart without any evidence to back up what you are saying.

That, is insulting to me, because there is no reason why you should do this. I think perhaps you could be the SIL or related to them, because only someone who was in favour of her moving in to the property and causing a serious mental breakdown of the OP would be so vehemently against my suggestions which would enable her to use to oppose what the SIL is determined to do.

I think what you are doing to me is despicable, but it is even worse to the OP, because by arguing against every suggestion which would give her the right to oppose the SIL moving in is stopping her from going forward.

You should apologise, not just to me, but to the OP who is in a very bad place at the moment.

  • While social media provides a platform for all users to freely express themselves, cases of offensive language are not rare and can severely impact user experience and even the civility of a community [4]. When such offence is intentional or targeted, it is further considered abuse[5].
Snapncrackle · 11/04/2025 23:34

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:21

Are you on the side of the OP's in-laws?

I am telling her of the difficulty if she allows her SIL and horse to move in, and the consequences she might find from the information on the internet. It isn't just Ai, it is what is on legal sites as well.

You are so determined to discredit everything I say, that you have missed the point with your argument. As I said, I copy and paste from the internet, and it is not all under the Ai heading. What do you think Ai is? Do you think someone sits in an office and makes it up?

If you weren't so determined to insult me, you would realise that any suggestion which she has which will arm her with the confidence to stand up to her in-laws is good, and as soon as you starting pulling it apart, she has lost.

I have applied recently to have my care stay in when I need them. All the information that I have posted on here is the experience I had to go through to get the permission, and the warning, that I might have difficulty if they don't want to go.

And I got permission only so long as no money changes hands other than the £25 an hour I pay.

I will ask you again: what would you do if you had a lodger who refused to leave?

Show quote history

If I had a lodger I would change the locks and put there stuff outside and they wouldn’t be getting back in

or I would get my husband to tell them to fuck off and leave - and they would leave I have no doubt

trust me they absolutely would not be living in MY HOUSE if I didn’t want them there any more

you might be a walkover and follow rules that don’t actually apply to anyone who is a lodger

but I’m not and I know that a lodger is only a permitted guest as such and you can get them out as soon as you want

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:32

Snapncrackle · 11/04/2025 16:10

ah and AI is always right God if people use AI to quote the law we are all done for

you’re obviously a very “ law abiding person “😂

my son threw out his lodger last year 😂
the guy was a bully and a prick and was trying to take over the house even to the point of locking the main door leaving his key in so no one could get in and refusing to put the alarm on when he left .

Basically my son said it wasn’t working out and he needs to leave by the end of the week
if he didn’t the locks would be changed and his stuff would be outside in the garage and his dad would be up to “ help him leave “ 😂

He Left that day

a lodger has very little if any rights if living with the owner in the owners house

he’s a “ permitted “ occupier
permitted by the house owner
look up the word permitted

basically you need to not give a shit and not take any shit and have a big dad who also doesn’t give a shit

Edited
Show quote history
  • While social media provides a platform for all users to freely express themselves, cases of offensive language are not rare and can severely impact user experience and even the civility of a community [4]. When such offence is intentional or targeted, it is further considered abuse[5].
Eastertidings · 11/04/2025 23:23

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/04/2025 09:16

They pulled her out of school at 9 as they were worried about the worldly influence

That's an incredibly unusual thing to do, @Sp3849 - are his parents by any chance members of the traveller community?

"Worldly influence" makes me think Brethren religious cult sect actually.

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:21

Snapncrackle · 11/04/2025 16:10

ah and AI is always right God if people use AI to quote the law we are all done for

you’re obviously a very “ law abiding person “😂

my son threw out his lodger last year 😂
the guy was a bully and a prick and was trying to take over the house even to the point of locking the main door leaving his key in so no one could get in and refusing to put the alarm on when he left .

Basically my son said it wasn’t working out and he needs to leave by the end of the week
if he didn’t the locks would be changed and his stuff would be outside in the garage and his dad would be up to “ help him leave “ 😂

He Left that day

a lodger has very little if any rights if living with the owner in the owners house

he’s a “ permitted “ occupier
permitted by the house owner
look up the word permitted

basically you need to not give a shit and not take any shit and have a big dad who also doesn’t give a shit

Edited
Show quote history

Are you on the side of the OP's in-laws?

I am telling her of the difficulty if she allows her SIL and horse to move in, and the consequences she might find from the information on the internet. It isn't just Ai, it is what is on legal sites as well.

You are so determined to discredit everything I say, that you have missed the point with your argument. As I said, I copy and paste from the internet, and it is not all under the Ai heading. What do you think Ai is? Do you think someone sits in an office and makes it up?

If you weren't so determined to insult me, you would realise that any suggestion which she has which will arm her with the confidence to stand up to her in-laws is good, and as soon as you starting pulling it apart, she has lost.

I have applied recently to have my care stay in when I need them. All the information that I have posted on here is the experience I had to go through to get the permission, and the warning, that I might have difficulty if they don't want to go.

And I got permission only so long as no money changes hands other than the £25 an hour I pay.

I will ask you again: what would you do if you had a lodger who refused to leave?

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

llizzie · 11/04/2025 23:11

AngelicKaty · 11/04/2025 17:00

I'll say it again, as a matter of FACT, not pedantry: a home owner does not need a court order to remove a lodger (excluded occupier) from their property. They simply have to give reasonable notice (as I've previously explained to you), pack up their lodger's belongings (if they won't do it themselves) and escort them out. If the lodger causes a breach of the peace (or threatens to) the home owner can call the police to attend. This is what I would do (and what I have advised former CA clients to do).
Applying for a court order that isn't needed is both costly and time-consuming (EAs typically have a six-week lead time from instruction and this would be on top of the time taken to get a court order from a judge).
On your separate note, of course a mortgaged home owner should notify their lender and their insurer if they are considering taking in a lodger before doing so, to ensure they are not breaching their contracts with them.

Show quote history

I think you should stop arguing the toss because it can only hurt the OP.

I believe you are taking the side of the OP's SIL. It is the only reason I can think of for you continuing to rubbish every bit of information I pick up on my computer. You might think you are rubbishing me: I don't care, but you are making life very difficult for the OP who is at her wit's end.

It makes no difference, and sadly, you are not helping the OP. Perhaps you don't want to help her? I made a suggestion that it could be very difficult if she was forced by her husband and in-laws to take in his sister and horse, and gave her a reason not to do so because of the difficulty she could end up in.

Then YOU come along (and are you on the in-laws side?) and tell her not to worry because llizzie is wrong and your SIL can come and stay with you and you won't have any problem in law getting rid of her if she doesn't move..

llizzie · 11/04/2025 22:51

AngelicKaty · 10/04/2025 23:33

@llizzie "I know someone disagrees with me that you can be faced with a court order application for a lodger if they refuse to leave when their time is up, but that is what was in the search I made." This is incorrect. Under UK housing law, a lodger is an "Excluded Occupier" who has no rights other than to receive "reasonable notice" to leave (which could be as little as a week, but could be as long as a month if they pay their rent monthly). OP would not be required to follow a formal eviction notice and would not have to go to court to evict a lodger.

I suggest you explore the subject a bit more.

llizzie · 11/04/2025 22:48

Missj25 · 10/04/2025 22:40

I agree completely..
OP , you’ve been so calm , clearly you’re a very nice person 🙂..
I would have flipped out by now , that’s being honest ..
Don’t leave his sister move in , whatever you do !
It will be said short term , bla bla 🙄, but it will be a lot longer, that’s how these things always pan out ..
This is you , your husband & children’s home & ye need to be left be without all his family all the time ..
It’s a tricky one though, when your husband not on the same page ..
Hope things work out without getting too stressful..
Definitely don’t leave her move in though
Best of luck 🤞

Show quote history

Do you think the OP will succeed in not allowing her and her horse in?

llizzie · 11/04/2025 22:46

Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 22:25

Do you know what I think I am done. I just cannot even be bothered to defend myself. They will continue to drip poison. I have always stood back and not gotten involved and just watched the carnage unfold. Pick the pieces up and help him move forward for them to then worm Thier way back in. They are truly horrible people. He has a decision to make really because after this I don't ever want to see or speak to them again. It's not fair on our kids and it's not healthy. I am going to let him leave and not contact him. I need some space to figure out what is best for me and my kids. If he can't let go I will have to leave. My son is just about to do his gcse's. My daughter needs alot of support and providing a happy stable environment is my priority not this shit show

Have you considered going to a marriage guidance counsellor and explaining the situation?

They may have experience of other people being in the same mess as you and would be better placed to give you advice. They may even be able to refer you and your in-laws to mediation to sort the problem out diplomatically and make it clear to them that they are in danger of breaking up your marriage.

Perhaps the CAB could also help with mediation?

You have to try the suggestions on here. Reading them is not enough.

HAB75 · 11/04/2025 22:45

Sp3849 · 10/04/2025 22:25

Do you know what I think I am done. I just cannot even be bothered to defend myself. They will continue to drip poison. I have always stood back and not gotten involved and just watched the carnage unfold. Pick the pieces up and help him move forward for them to then worm Thier way back in. They are truly horrible people. He has a decision to make really because after this I don't ever want to see or speak to them again. It's not fair on our kids and it's not healthy. I am going to let him leave and not contact him. I need some space to figure out what is best for me and my kids. If he can't let go I will have to leave. My son is just about to do his gcse's. My daughter needs alot of support and providing a happy stable environment is my priority not this shit show

I most want to say that it is a shock when you see for the first time that your DH can be manipulated, especially if you yourself aren't the same. I have been through that revelation. But I've read your posts carefully and this sounds like your DH is subject to the Stockholm Syndrome. People returning to their abusers is the closest thing I can think of, and far more complex than a normal family spat. I think you should start there and read on. This is not a simple manipulation, and his mother knows which buttons to press because she installed them.

Doubledenim305 · 11/04/2025 21:51

Streaaa · 11/04/2025 19:14

I also believe the ferocious effort your inlaws are making to ensure his sister moves in, is indicative of just how important this in to their long term plans.

These are plans that they have hatched up and your stupid husband is not party to.

They are vicious because you have tried to thwart their plans.

They have suckered your husband in.

You really need to be very suspicious and clever because they mean you harm.

They clearly couldn't care less about you or your children.
Its all about getting what they want.
Your home for their daughter to live long-term free of charge.
Unbelievable.

Spot on!

godmum56 · 11/04/2025 21:03

SpainToday · 11/04/2025 20:58

I know plenty of people keep mentioning therapy, but we read (on MN) about plenty of men who just can’t stand up to their female relatives - do all these men need therapy, or just need to grow a pair?

Its the old Jesuit saying "give me a child until they are six and they will be mine for life"

SpainToday · 11/04/2025 20:58

I know plenty of people keep mentioning therapy, but we read (on MN) about plenty of men who just can’t stand up to their female relatives - do all these men need therapy, or just need to grow a pair?

OldCottageGreenhouse · 11/04/2025 20:57

So he’s admitted to them that it was “you” who didn’t want her living in the house etc! Certainly sounds like it

Gcsunnyside23 · 11/04/2025 20:47

Id tell him to go live with them then if he wants but she's not coming to live with you. He's being so unreasonable and needs therapy unfortunately, his family have done a right number

CaptainFuture · 11/04/2025 19:53

I feel for the sister having a mother like that. I’d consider helping her with the caravan in a planned way to help her get away from her overbearing parents and get some independence, as well as to support your daughter.

Hell no!! PLEASE don't buy into the "you need to be the saviour and carer for this adult woman" !!!
You do that and you'll have her and the in-laws living with you.... how incapable is she actually? She can drive can't she? So has managed lessons/practical test/theory....wouldn't be sucked into the poor her.... what a victim'

PotatoLove · 11/04/2025 19:30

After reading your updates I'd say if he allows them to manipulate him knowing how it's affecting your marriage, I don't hold you responsible for cutting them all off.

Streaaa · 11/04/2025 19:14

I also believe the ferocious effort your inlaws are making to ensure his sister moves in, is indicative of just how important this in to their long term plans.

These are plans that they have hatched up and your stupid husband is not party to.

They are vicious because you have tried to thwart their plans.

They have suckered your husband in.

You really need to be very suspicious and clever because they mean you harm.

They clearly couldn't care less about you or your children.
Its all about getting what they want.
Your home for their daughter to live long-term free of charge.
Unbelievable.

Sunbeds · 11/04/2025 19:14

I think he’ll see things more clearly at a distance and realise that his future is with you and your children. Well, I hope he does. You all have everything you wanted after this move. I can’t imagine why he would throw it away. Common sense says he’ll contact you more determined than ever to be with you and resist his mother etc.

Try not to contact him. Leave it for as long as you possibly can. You both need that space.
Your thoughts will settle down too. Right now you don’t want him because it brings back all the arguments and you’re probably enjoying the peace. That’s why you shouldn’t speak for a week, two weeks, maybe longer.
But gradually the mists will clear and you will know what you want.
A house is just a house. Even if it’s big and grand etc. It’s not a home unless the family is happy and relaxed. It’s not worth it if you’re arguing. Better in a smaller one on your own with your children.
But sometimes MN is too keen to split marriages up.
Take your time.